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RE: Guilt - 10/6/2007 3:13:27 PM

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

I have survivor guilt at being the stronger of the two. And now I feel I cannot talk to her of my happiness. My joy and excitement about my sexuality....well what can I talk to her about when there is the threat that she may not walk?

you guilt is rooted in your love for you sister.... I wonder... don't you think your sister loves you as much as you love her. don't you think that she would be happy for you.

If you want to deal with this... there is a step you need to take... Share your guilt with your sister... give her the opportunity to show you that she loves you as much as you love her..... stop being a martyr!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

RE: Guilt - 10/6/2007 3:36:28 PM

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

Prinnie:

I wouldn't recommend talking to your sister about your guilt.

You manufactured it, she didn't foist it upon you. She has enough to deal with without needing to address your guilt.

You will erase your own guilt when you see that it isn't reasonable or justifiable to sustain it.

Were you to go to her with your guilt, how would you explain it without sounding like you've gone through hell trying to help her. On top of her own feelings of disappointment that she didn't have a better life, she'd have the knowledge that her burden has caused you to go through hell trying to help her.

How does that help her, and how does that help you to help her?

I don't think it appropriate to help someone (for years) and then make a spectacle of how much one feels guilty for being healthier than the one helped.

Your guilt is of your own creation, and you have the power to stop it and grow past the need for it. You don't need to involve your sister, who had nothing to do with the guilt.

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

For those interested: pics and poetry have been added to my profile.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

RE: Guilt - 10/6/2007 4:17:49 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Bobkgin

Prinnie:

I wouldn't recommend talking to your sister about your guilt.

You manufactured it, she didn't foist it upon you. She has enough to deal with without needing to address your guilt.

You will erase your own guilt when you see that it isn't reasonable or justifiable to sustain it.

Were you to go to her with your guilt, how would you explain it without sounding like you've gone through hell trying to help her. On top of her own feelings of disappointment that she didn't have a better life, she'd have the knowledge that her burden has caused you to go through hell trying to help her.

How does that help her, and how does that help you to help her?

I don't think it appropriate to help someone (for years) and then make a spectacle of how much one feels guilty for being healthier than the one helped.

Your guilt is of your own creation, and you have the power to stop it and grow past the need for it. You don't need to involve your sister, who had nothing to do with the guilt.

I wouldn't recommend it, either. There can be a time and place and this probably isn't it.

agirl

(in reply to Bobkgin)

RE: Guilt - 10/6/2007 5:21:31 PM

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Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty

..i am ready to heal....

edited to add: this was a FR to whoever needs it...btw

I love the new pic btw

(in reply to chellekitty)

RE: Guilt - 10/6/2007 5:26:14 PM

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Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Bobkgin

I don't think it appropriate to help someone (for years) and then make a spectacle of how much one feels guilty for being healthier than the one helped.

Your guilt is of your own creation, and you have the power to stop it and grow past the need for it. You don't need to involve your sister, who had nothing to do with the guilt.

I didn't go to her with my guilt.
What I did was i went to her and asked her for help. help to pay for a broken window. she paid for a glazier to come out and fix it. I need the day off work next week to take her to hospital. She said she would pay me my missing wages....as truly I cannot afford to have the day off.
she had the money to pay for the window and hereby we all win.....
she just needs to feel needed, she just needs to feel equal.
And reading your posts and others helped me iwth the breakthrough.
Thanks giving......
P xxx

(in reply to Bobkgin)

RE: Guilt - 10/6/2007 5:30:28 PM

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Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

If you want to deal with this... there is a step you need to take... Share your guilt with your sister... give her the opportunity to show you that she loves you as much as you love her..... stop being a martyr!

I didn't share my guilt with her but, as I have just replied to Bobk I did create a situation in which she could be my equal.
it was, in its own way, a power exchange. I took the courage to ask HER for something, which actually was cash i needed which i knew she had.
Funnily enough she said oh god just take my credit card.....I almost went to feel guilty about it but I stopped short.....maybe I can think of it as a HUGE turning point and ask for more of what i need.....

Thanks to you for your interest. Every bit of it has given me wings.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

RE: Guilt - 10/6/2007 5:32:57 PM

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Joined: 8/2/2006
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quote:

I took the courage to ask HER for something

I remember when I broke my arm and was on the receiving end of help from everyone, it meant the world when someone gave me the opportunity to be helpful.

_____________________________

No matter how cynical you become,
it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

(in reply to Prinsexx)

RE: Guilt - 10/6/2007 5:45:50 PM

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

she just needs to feel needed, she just needs to feel equal.

There can be no giving without someone to receive.

In your willingness to receive, she is able to give.

I'm happy for both of you, Prinnie. It sounds like the turning of a corner

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

For those interested: pics and poetry have been added to my profile.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

RE: Guilt - 10/6/2007 6:49:53 PM

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

If you want to deal with this... there is a step you need to take... Share your guilt with your sister... give her the opportunity to show you that she loves you as much as you love her..... stop being a martyr!

I didn't share my guilt with her but, as I have just replied to Bobk I did create a situation in which she could be my equal.
it was, in its own way, a power exchange. I took the courage to ask HER for something, which actually was cash i needed which i knew she had.
Funnily enough she said oh god just take my credit card.....I almost went to feel guilty about it but I stopped short.....maybe I can think of it as a HUGE turning point and ask for more of what i need.....

Thanks to you for your interest. Every bit of it has given me wings.

She loves you... and I would bet she feels guilty too. Guilty of being a burden to you. Guilty of preventing you from enjoying life.... because ... do you talk about what is making you happy..... no you probably spend you time talking of shallow stuff that doesn't mean anything to either of you... and when you wonder off and slip into talking about some happy memories it gets choked off when are reminded of the guilt you have. Then of course... you are also speaking about her issues and all what you need to do for her... yup bet that sure feeds her guilt too...

Honestly.. you not seeing the forest for the trees. Your love for each other is causing these misplaced guilt in both of you. You both need to absolve each other and yourselves of this misplaced negative emotions. Instead... both of you should embrace the love you have for each other.... she seeing your love demonstrated in all that you do for her in this time of need...and her demonstrating this love by rejoicing in the happiness in your life.

to open the door is rather simple...... Ask her Do you feel guilty or a burden? but lead up to how important it is to you to be their for her. But be ready to meet her half way. The guilt is a chain of you both and you both need to break free of it.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

RE: Guilt - 10/6/2007 10:16:33 PM

Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

If you want to deal with this... there is a step you need to take... Share your guilt with your sister... give her the opportunity to show you that she loves you as much as you love her..... stop being a martyr!

I didn't share my guilt with her but, as I have just replied to Bobk I did create a situation in which she could be my equal.
it was, in its own way, a power exchange. I took the courage to ask HER for something, which actually was cash i needed which i knew she had.
Funnily enough she said oh god just take my credit card.....I almost went to feel guilty about it but I stopped short.....maybe I can think of it as a HUGE turning point and ask for more of what i need.....

Thanks to you for your interest. Every bit of it has given me wings.

She loves you... and I would bet she feels guilty too. Guilty of being a burden to you. Guilty of preventing you from enjoying life.... because ... do you talk about what is making you happy..... no you probably spend you time talking of shallow stuff that doesn't mean anything to either of you... and when you wonder off and slip into talking about some happy memories it gets choked off when are reminded of the guilt you have. Then of course... you are also speaking about her issues and all what you need to do for her... yup bet that sure feeds her guilt too...

Honestly.. you not seeing the forest for the trees. Your love for each other is causing these misplaced guilt in both of you. You both need to absolve each other and yourselves of this misplaced negative emotions. Instead... both of you should embrace the love you have for each other.... she seeing your love demonstrated in all that you do for her in this time of need...and her demonstrating this love by rejoicing in the happiness in your life.

to open the door is rather simple...... Ask her Do you feel guilty or a burden? but lead up to how important it is to you to be their for her. But be ready to meet her half way. The guilt is a chain of you both and you both need to break free of it.

A lot of assumptions that will uncork a can of worms if incorrect.

And there are cultural considerations: the British stiff upper lip in the face of adversity (which Prinnie and her sister would have learned as I learned it: from parents who went through the Blitz).

Agirl got it right: that conversation may occur, but now, while Prinnie is in crisis and working her way through it, is not the time.

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

For those interested: pics and poetry have been added to my profile.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

RE: Guilt - 10/7/2007 5:25:22 AM

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Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

In reply to both Bobkgin and KnightofMists.
about opening the door between us....(aka about opening the door between any two people)...
yes there is a cultural thing here...it's like the air we breathe, it's like the water a fish swims in.....invisible, all pervasive, deemed necessary for live itself, can choke us or drown us if we do it wrong...and yes it's a class system which I have never experienced anywhere else in the world....oh I know I'll get a reaction from this....probably from any Brit d/s reading it and then not bothering to respond! BUT we do this; we eye eacj other up, we assess each other minutely, we catch every nuance of difference or similarity and usually on an accent, a type of drink, a casuall preference.....two world wars almost dissolved the internal war we fight daily between ourselves and even whn I have travlled and lived abroad....living in France, italy, Russia...that very moment a Brit meets a brit we do it al over again no matter what foreign context we find ourselves in....it's built on deference and even the bdsm scene here has ritualised and fetishised aspects to it known as @English'....but for sis and I, well it's too longa story, but we survived extreme deprivation and poverty as children and we have to a certain extent not risen above it, god forsake anything hierarchichal, but we are anacronisms...no one can place us not least because momm was extremely working class and 'crazy' but dad was aristocracy,,,she picked him up her her local pub when he was down and out abd grieving the death of his first wife....SO we are bobded with that terrible sense of being outsiders as well as the empathy of twinhood....we practice our professions very differently and we write at extreme ends of the market and thus we compete in a systematic way inn a culture where any fragment of individulaity is hard fought for...this is why on one level Brit pop and Brit art are SO much a statement of rights...however, and I agree Bob, even in the fight for individuality we culturally lean a way of defnending ourselves...which isn't for sis and I exactly a stiff upper lip but can look from the ouside like a cold cold heart......come here for a while and wa;k amongst the numbness and the non-expressions and then wonder why the Brits invented dogging in dark carparks as a way of getting their rocks off.......
demonstrative behaviour? expressing love? controlled anger? begging for foregiveness/ jumping for joy/ talking to strangers in the street? .....well i am the one out of the two of us who does that and I know I am 2% of the population only...as I am an extreme social extravert intutive...but sis? retiring, and a social recluse, private very private privat life and almostagrey uniformity of dressing that makes us look like polarities until you hear our voices.
Opening the door? Yep that's triggered a whole lotta stuuff man.....as I am almost guaranteed any solution I come up with will be totally contray to her world view....
aka opening the door in any relationship? Thoughts on cultural difference and guilt then as I would hate to upset any Brits......
PS Thankyou for the white light from whence it came....like the sunshine burining inside my head last night...I'm an empath after all......the shame of guilt has melted with the on-line but nevertheless very real love and support I have had here and in private emails.

Px

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 10/7/2007 5:26:37 AM >

(in reply to Bobkgin)

RE: Guilt - 10/7/2007 6:52:04 AM

Posts: 1792
Joined: 8/4/2007
Status: offline

Fast reply:

I knew you would find your way...and you are doing so. Both of you. Love and the nobility of the human spirit usually do.

-grace

(in reply to Prinsexx)

RE: Guilt - 10/7/2007 8:29:36 AM

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Joined: 8/17/2007
Status: offline

You should not feel guilt and I see no reason why you should not share your happiness with her.
I recently lost a dear friend after a year long and valiant battle. I was utterly powerless to stop the inevitable, he knew the truth of his situation and fought up to his last moments in this world. Our talks, memories, losses, victories and even silent hours by each others side drew us closer, his strength of will was a wonder to behold. We lent each other strength, learned from each other and became closer in months than we had been in years. I felt no guilt at being the one to live on but rather took lesson from him on how to live with the time I have left. Perhaps the worst thing I could have done would have been to treat him differently and not remain open and honest with him. His voice still echoes in my heart and will remain there always.

_____________________________

The number one job of the dominant is to continually seduce consent from the bottom. ~Joseph W. Bean~

(in reply to laurell3)

RE: Guilt - 10/7/2007 8:34:39 AM

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Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: amelliagrace

Fast reply:

I knew you would find your way...and you are doing so. Both of you. Love and the nobility of the human spirit usually do.

-grace

Especial thanks also to you ameliagrace, for your private emails,,,
amelelioration
and grace
shined through in abundance.
Thank you so much.
Prinnie x

(in reply to amelliagrace)

RE: Guilt - 10/7/2007 8:40:49 AM

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Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sundownhawk

You should not feel guilt and I see no reason why you should not share your happiness with her.

During 'ill' I think the qualities (positive and negative) of any relationship become exaggerated..
I have come to realise that my survivor guilt has more to do simply with the relationship we have together rather than her incapacity itself.
And yes I hear that the overrall view is to continue as normally as possible.
Many thanks to you.
And I hear how you choose too feel the positive echo of you friend rather than the grief.

(in reply to sundownhawk)

RE: Guilt - 10/7/2007 5:30:03 PM

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Joined: 3/23/2007
Status: offline

Prinsexx, you are a lovely lady. If you deny that in your life which gives you strength, you will not be what you need to be for your sister. Guilt is a terrible thing to bear. Like so many emotions, it saps that from you that makes you a strong, vibrant and loving person. Acknowledging what has been in our past and accepting that we can not go back and change it, is a part of our growth. But we can’t obsess on it.
You need all the joy and happiness in your life to keep you strong for your sister and for your life. All my best wishes.

_____________________________

I want to capture your mind, your spirit, your soul, your body, your devotion and your love. Then, will I give you my heart.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

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