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A concern regarding my domination - 10/12/2007 3:26:51 PM

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I have a concern regarding my domination. My sub and I are basically entering/starting a new relationship together. (YAY!) From the beginning it has been understood that we were both entering into a D/s relationship - something we both have been wanting. At the moment, we are taking things slow, just taking our time getting to know each other and whatnot with a few elements if D/s here and there. I have many things and elements I would like to introduce into the relationship eventually, but I am afraid that my actions may come across as me being seen as a “controlling bitch” rather than his Domme/Mistress. As you may have guessed, this is my first time in a 24/7 type of situation. If I was scening with someone, I wouldn't have this concern; but, seeing as how there is a different type of relationship involved I worry. (Maybe too much!) How should I proceed without becoming something other than a good Domme? Thank you all, -Miss Erica ^_^

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RE: A concern regarding my domination - 10/12/2007 3:29:08 PM

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Honestly I dont know what your specific concern or activity is, but the fact you are thinking about it and concerned about the effect on the sub speaks volumes. Just be who you are and communicate and I think you will be fine.
l

(in reply to BlackSakura)

RE: A concern regarding my domination - 10/12/2007 3:34:46 PM

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You can only be seen as a controlling bitch if you want to go from freedom to micromanaging him overnight.
He is entering the relationship with the same expectation as you are. He is giving you the control, and you are taking it. What you decide to do with that control, is up to you.
The adjustment to 24/7 is going to be big for you both. Dont expect to command everything you both do right away, thats a lot of responsability. Make sure you communicate openly, and let him know you will not be upset with him if he tells you he does not like something. You need to know the good and the bad, if you want to make sure things work out well. Just becasue he doesnt like it doesnt mean it will necessarily stop, but you will learn to read him. Introduce new elements slowly, gauge their effectiveness, get comfortable and happy with them, and then move to more. AS long as you are both moving at the same pace and communicating, you will not fall into the trap of coming off as overly demanding too soon.

Enjoy
DV

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(in reply to laurell3)

RE: A concern regarding my domination - 10/12/2007 7:12:56 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BlackSakura
How should I proceed without becoming something other than a good Domme?

Do you truly wish to dominate—to be lifted, served, obeyed and worshipped—or are you looking merely to top service the male you are with? These are certainly two distinct paths that diverge in the wood.

If it is the former, eschew the need for validation. Be who you are, and trust in the instinctual tools nature has given you as a Woman. And remember that a man who has never been flogged has never been taught —Menander of Athens

(in reply to BlackSakura)

RE: A concern regarding my domination - 10/12/2007 7:35:57 PM

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Talk to him and set up the boundaries and work within them. As time goes on I am sure some will change but the key is talking to him. I would go middle of the road and see how it goes, then after sometime talk about it see what he thinks. But it all comes down to this, you gotta be who you are..the Domme.

~Lashra

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“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to BlackSakura)

RE: A concern regarding my domination - 10/12/2007 11:08:56 PM

Laura

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Keep in mind, this is what he wants. Trust yourself and him. He can tell you what is on his mind, his thoughts. But you need to explore and find where you fit as far as crossing the line between Domming and bitching. You have to find that for yourself and know what feels right to you. If it only works for him, it's not Domming either.

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(in reply to Lashra)

RE: A concern regarding my domination - 10/13/2007 8:05:10 AM

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personally, I think that going right into 24/7 TPE is to fast. I know both of you really want it,(not saying you don't.) 24/7 requires alot of work, maintenance on both of your parts. What I would do is have 24/7 weekends. Where for a weekend he is completely under your control.

_____________________________

Our community maybe openminded as a whole, but it is still made up of individuals who bring in their own opinions,baggage and agendas!

Known as SwitchWitch in my local community,and on IRC Bondage.

I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

(in reply to Laura)

RE: A concern regarding my domination - 10/13/2007 9:35:50 AM

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I have been in various relationships with Dommes before and the one Mistress that succeded in making me a 24/7 slave took it slow. The ones that didn't work wanted to control everything i did and everyone i saw right off the bat. The one that worked out and lasted for years took control of me slowly. She did not want me going out at night woith my freinds, so she started by alloing me to go out once a week, then she gave me a curfew of 1 am, then slowly made my curfew earlier and earlier till i had to be home everyday by 9 pm. Anouther example was at the begining we both decided when we would see each other, but 3 months into the relationship, i could not make anyplans without asking her first. She never denied my permision to go to important events, but if i wanted to go golfing with guys from work, forget it. So my advise be as controling as you want, just take 100% control slowly.

(in reply to BlackSakura)

RE: A concern regarding my domination - 10/13/2007 10:31:33 AM

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Since you are grounding this, forming this as a Ds relationship, I think you need to do two things.

First have a contract that is as detailed as feasible. If you know what you want and how you want things done, lay that out in the contract, but upfront about it. If you are upfront and he can consent and sign or nor, how is that you being a controlling bitch?

Second set up a formal training period. This period will be where you teach him and he practices those things set in your contract. By the way, you are learning and practicing them as well. As any good teacher will say, you will train in steps, one thing, one ritual, one rule, one practice at a time building upon each other.

It will likely take months. Enjoy the journey.

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(in reply to BlackSakura)

RE: A concern regarding my domination - 10/13/2007 12:38:07 PM

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One person's 'controlling bitch' is another's 'commanding beloved'.

Seriously. Part of it is matching your styles of doing d/s (iron fist? iron fist with velvet glove? velvet glove covering delicate hand which happens to hold leash attached to genitals?). Part of it is matching your speeds of acquiring/relinquishing authority. It's all quite subjective, and regular relationship rules apply far more than I thought when I got started with this. A "good domme" is what you want, and if having this relationship happen matters a lot to you, then being a "good domme" also must take into account what your SO wants.

(in reply to BlackSakura)

RE: A concern regarding my domination - 10/13/2007 1:02:25 PM

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Take things slow! Set up goals and rules together! As rules become routine and goals are met, increase on both. Make sure to keep an open line of communication. If a rule or goal is not working out, it may be time to change it or trash it all together. Make sure you make your partner know that they can come to you if something is not working. This should keep him believing in you as a loving Domme and not a Bithch.

(in reply to PairOfDimes)

RE: A concern regarding my domination - 10/13/2007 1:15:42 PM

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Does he keep a journal? If so, do You ever read it? Do You respond to it?

If not, perhaps it is something You could consider talking to him about. Some feel a journal is a very private thing, available for the Dominant to read if they so choose.

Within my relationship, I write in my journal Monday-Friday, Saturday I summarize the week past, my thoughts, feelings and include any comments/questions I have concerning the week or our relationship. Mistress reads my journal on Sunday and responds to what I have written. She also lists anything She wishes me to give special attention to in the upcomming week. I am free to write anything in my journal, am expected to include the "bad" as well as the happy points. It is a communication tool and my only "restriction" as to what I may write is.. it must remain respectful. No out and out rants about what a mean rotten *&%$! She is being LOL. Nope, that will earn a punishment every time. roflol...been there..done that! Now, if I disagree with something She did/said, thats fine; just do so in a respectful tone. (something I'm stilll working on) I can write in there if I wish She would do (insert activity of choice) more or really didn't like when She (____) giving Her insight into what I'm thinking/feeling/wanting on a weekly basis. No, this does not replace actually sitting down and TALKING, I believe it actually opens the lines of communications and we talk about more then we did before we started doing this.

With Your relationship being so new and this being Your first 24/7, communication is vital and this may give you both insight to the other by sharing things in writing that maybe you wouldn't feel real comfortable "saying" otherwise?

*braces for the attack of...... if you can write it, you should be able to just say it........* yea yea yea. Some of us are just wired different, personally this works very well within our relationship.

(in reply to BlackSakura)

RE: A concern regarding my domination - 10/13/2007 6:21:11 PM

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How do you proceed? You start by being YOURSELF. You first identify as a submissive then wonder why you feel uncomfortable in a Domme role. You need to understand that not all dommes are "controlling bitches". If that is the way you view them, then no wonder you are uncomfortable. Get your "mind right:" first :) No matter what- it's about mutual satisfaction and pleasing the other person.

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to BlackSakura)

RE: A concern regarding my domination - 10/13/2007 7:46:32 PM

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ee k.. I misread your OP/ I see you referred to your sub.. I read it that you were the sub. My mistake. However, the rest of my post to you stands :)

< Message edited by LotusSong -- 10/13/2007 7:47:33 PM >

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to LotusSong)

RE: A concern regarding my domination - 10/14/2007 4:31:01 AM

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quote:

kevinbd9 wrote: She did not want me going out at night woith my freinds,

Is it just me or does that set off alarm bells for anyone else?

(in reply to kevinbd9)

RE: A concern regarding my domination - 10/14/2007 5:01:56 AM

MsCfromMelbourne

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Joined: 2/15/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BlackSakura

I have many things and elements I would like to introduce into the relationship eventually, but I am afraid that my actions may come across as me being seen as a “controlling bitch” rather than his Domme/Mistress.

A few ideas:

1 Your partner is incredibly lucky that you have "many things and elements" you would like to do. A common complaint is that many women call themselves lifestyle Dominants but really don't bother to put in much effort after the first few weeks ........then wonder why their D/s relationships fizzle out so fast. Your enthusiasm makes you special.

2 in my experience, more male subs claim their D/s relationship failed because the Domina was not controlling enough than she was too controlling. Submissives really want rules, boundaries and a sense of ownership. They want to make you happy. If your request really is too much, he will tell you.

3 Negotiate it. There's nothing wrong with saying, for example, "I want you to XYZ. Is that OK with you?". Getting feedback and informed consent isn't weak - its smart Domination

4 It gets difficult for me to remember (and strictly enforce) all the rules of our contract (and they change as we go of course - no D/s relationship is static) so my sub's tasks is to keep a running list on our home computer.

5 Don't be afraid to change a rule if its not working. My big mistake in the past has been hanging on too long to a rule or protocol that does not serve us any more

6 Its very normal to worry about being "bitchy". Being controlling runs against all our socialisation as little girls to be "nice" and "unselfish" and to serve men with a smile! So don't do anything that feels really unnatural or makes you dislike yourself. Being a Dominant should make you feel good about yourself. Your male sub wouldn't want it any other way, believe me! A happy Domina makes a happy sub and a happy 24/7 home :)

7 It is not bitchy if you take the time to get consent. Its not bitchy if you listen to your sub's objections, weight them up, and then make decisions in the best interests of both of you and explain why. Abuse and force to get your own way without consent is bitchy. Big difference.

8 You have to love the person you become by being a Domina or D/s is not good for your soul.

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(in reply to BlackSakura)

RE: A concern regarding my domination - 10/14/2007 5:15:09 AM

MsCfromMelbourne

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quote:

ORIGINAL: beeble

quote:

kevinbd9 wrote: She did not want me going out at night woith my freinds,

Is it just me or does that set off alarm bells for anyone else?

No, not at all.

There are many reasons why a Domina might decide this is best for their D/s relationship.

He can go out with his friends during the day, but at night he serves her.

He can probably go out with his friends at night if she is invited to join them.

There's nothing more humilating than having a submissive who is ashamed to be seen with you in front of his friends and family. He may have his reasons (your age, your appearance, your kinkiness, his friend's religious beliefs) but it is still very hurtful

The sub in question might be "a hard dog to keep on the porch". He might need a stern Mistress and tight boundaries or he strays into self-destructive and stupid situations.

Remember, the sub could have objected to the control of his evening social life. If he didn't want to be controlled, he could go out with a nice vanilla lady who let him do whatever he liked. However, I suspect most wives prefer to control their husband's evening activites - the only difference is that in 24/7 D/s it is consensual, not begrudging.

< Message edited by MsCfromMelbourne -- 10/14/2007 5:24:08 AM >

_____________________________

<----- Corset, mask and collar designed and manufactured by metalsmith Karl H, chromed and lined in black suede. Masks and collars available from http://www.lucreziadesade.com.au/default.html. Corsets custom made only

(in reply to beeble)

RE: A concern regarding my domination - 10/14/2007 8:24:20 AM

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quote:

MsCfromMelbourne wrote: He can go out with his friends during the day, but at night he serves her.

That would seem not to be the case: ``i wanted to go golfing with guys from work, forget it.''

quote:

He can probably go out with his friends at night if she is invited to join them. There's nothing more humilating than having a submissive who is ashamed to be seen with you in front of his friends and family.

That would be a very humiliating situation for anyone, yes. But I question whether forbidding the sub from going out at all is a good way of dealing with that. In this scenario, it sounds like the Domme is looking for a relationship partner and the sub is looking for a sex/play/BDSM partner. That sounds like a recipe for a break-up, to me. Further, it sounds like a recipe for a break-up that leaves the sub completely sunk because he doesn't have any friends any more.

quote:

The sub in question might be "a hard dog to keep on the porch". He might need a stern Mistress and tight boundaries or he strays into self-destructive and stupid situations.

That sounds like using D/s to try to patch up a broken relationship.

quote:

Remember, the sub could have objected to the control of his evening social life. If he didn't want to be controlled, he could go out with a nice vanilla lady who let him
do whatever he liked.

The same is true of a husband objecting to his wife's control.

quote:

However, I suspect most wives prefer to control their husband's evening activites - the only difference is that in 24/7 D/s it is consensual, not begrudging.

The marriage was consensual, too. Neither marriage nor 24/7 D/s is a magic guarantee that everything that happens is freely consented to.

(in reply to MsCfromMelbourne)

RE: A concern regarding my domination - 10/14/2007 8:51:35 AM

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I'm glad I read this board! There has never been a time that I've wanted to have a 24/7 relationship. I've recently met a potential that could very well become an LTR.

We spend a lot of time talking, getting to know each other's wants and needs. One of the things he did share with me was meeting a "Domme" and during the first visit she came onto him like a "pure vanilla woman would". Meaning she started making out with him and that ruined it for him.

Reading these responses has helped Me put some things in perspectives. Good insight to all that answered it.

Mistress Faye

(in reply to BlackSakura)

RE: A concern regarding my domination - 10/15/2007 10:20:31 AM

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I wouldn't want to be unable to hang with my friends. Now if I were doing it alot, my duties were suffering as a result then yes I would need to be restricted. However, if a sub/slave wants a very strict dynamic, where he/she isn't allowed to see their friends much or at all, then so be it.

reminds me, one time I got an email from a slave who had no wish for any contact with friends and family, no 'offtime' that bothered me. I need my offtime, I need to see my family and friends. I need my hobbies. Needless to say, I refused. His thing, fine. It ain't mine

_____________________________

Our community maybe openminded as a whole, but it is still made up of individuals who bring in their own opinions,baggage and agendas!

Known as SwitchWitch in my local community,and on IRC Bondage.

I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

(in reply to MistressFaye1)

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