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First time for everything - 10/14/2007 8:09:28 PM

kittyinpink

Posts: 83
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline

I am very new to the BDSM lifestyle (in that I have no real experience), but have been trying to learn as much as possible.

I've been invited by a couple to visit a local dungeon with them and am very excited! I'm not planning on playing at all the first time. However, part of me wonders if I will really bennefit from being there since I haven't actually done anything yet.

So to streamline this post: Is it still good for me to go even if I have no experience? And for the future, would it be better for me not to play until I've had some experience with someone privately?

On a sidenote, some things I've been told for my first visit is to not touch anyone, to not play, and to expect other females to hate me (I guess since I'm 20).

< Message edited by kittyinpink -- 10/14/2007 8:11:08 PM >

_____________________________

He knew he should leave
That this could only turn cold
She was a bad bad girl
So he told her so

http://youralice.livejournal.com/

Post #: 1

RE: First time for everything - 10/14/2007 8:15:48 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

Go and have fun. I don't understand why people would tell you that other females will hate you because of your age though. I think that whole "older women are jealous of the younger ones" is a myth. While I'm really glad that I was 20 once and had a great time being 20, there isn't enough money in the world to pay me to do it again....lol.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to kittyinpink)

Post #: 2

RE: First time for everything - 10/14/2007 8:21:10 PM

MichiganHeadmast

Posts: 726
Joined: 8/13/2006
Status: offline

Go. You'll be with someone you know, and can do what you want or not do anything but watch. And don't worry about what anyone else thinks (except to show common courtesy, of course).

(in reply to kittyinpink)

Post #: 3

RE: First time for everything - 10/14/2007 8:33:34 PM

probablyknowme

Posts: 1875
Joined: 9/19/2007
Status: offline

Oh, go by all means go....it will be an experience you will never forget. If I had one thing to say about it, it would be to remember, there are no victims here, only volunteers, so don't let yourself get scared at what you see. And if it makes you too uncomfortable, go find the social area (I'm sure the place you're going to has one). There shouldn't be any play there, and it is a good place to be when you are overwhelmed.

Have fun,
kat

_____________________________

The human mind is like a TV set. When it goes blank, it's a good idea to turn off the sound.
-Anon.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/NewcomersOK/

(in reply to MichiganHeadmast)

Post #: 4

RE: First time for everything - 10/14/2007 8:36:49 PM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

To play or not to play depends on how comfortable you are with the couple, not how many times you have been to the dungeon. They probably mean don't expect to play, but I sense that you really want to.

(in reply to MichiganHeadmast)

Post #: 5

RE: First time for everything - 10/14/2007 8:42:12 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: probablyknowme
If I had one thing to say about it, it would be to remember, there are no victims here, only volunteers

LOL, there must be an echo in here.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to probablyknowme)

Post #: 6

RE: First time for everything - 10/14/2007 8:57:32 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

Apart from the expecting no one to like you because you're 20 (believe me, no one will care one way or the other. Why would they?), it's a great idea, IF you are into it. Don't feel pressured to go, to play, not play, whatever.

Remember that people who go to clubs usually have some experience. You may find things a little scary, as you have no experience, and a responsible D isn't going to jump right in with the hard core stuff with a newbie, in a club or in private. What you see in the club isn't necessarily going to be what will be expected of you in you're first private forays into the world of BDSM.

Go, look, have fun, and don't freak out!!!

< Message edited by MissMagnolia -- 10/14/2007 8:58:28 PM >

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 7

RE: First time for everything - 10/14/2007 8:57:59 PM

Damocles809

Posts: 532
Joined: 7/12/2006
Status: offline

Expect many of the guys who can't have you to hate you too.

But go anyways, what's the worst that could happen?

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 8

RE: First time for everything - 10/14/2007 8:58:39 PM

GoddessMine

Posts: 250
Joined: 9/27/2007
Status: offline

Bring a vanilla friend who's interested in the bdsm lifestyle with you.

Love,
GM

_____________________________

Pleasure of the Text? Pleasure of the Goddess, more like it.

(in reply to MissMagnolia)

Post #: 9

RE: First time for everything - 10/14/2007 9:03:59 PM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

It's best to do what you feel ready for. It's important to be at the right place at the right time with the right person. Go with your gut and know when you are ready to take another step.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to kittyinpink)

Post #: 10

RE: First time for everything - 10/14/2007 9:24:43 PM

kittyinpink

Posts: 83
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessMine

Bring a vanilla friend who's interested in the bdsm lifestyle with you.

Love,
GM

I am VERY lucky in that my roommate should be coming with me, since she has been intersted in the lifestyle for a long time (as have I).

I have tried to go through all the older threads to get a better feel for it.

Question I have that weren't addressed are:
1. How am I expected to address others? Am I supposed to say Master and Mistress even though it's my first time?
2. This is really girly, but what do I wear? LOL I don't own any leather (yet)... And we will be going to a munch beforehand

_____________________________

He knew he should leave
That this could only turn cold
She was a bad bad girl
So he told her so

http://youralice.livejournal.com/

(in reply to GoddessMine)

Post #: 11

RE: First time for everything - 10/14/2007 9:28:54 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

Wear whatever you would normally wear when going to dinner at whatever restaurant the munch will be at. No, you don't have to address everyone as Master or Mistress. I have been going to these things for many years and I don't ever do so. Just be polite and use good manners.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to kittyinpink)

Post #: 12

RE: First time for everything - 10/14/2007 9:29:01 PM

iammachine

Posts: 1549
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Is it still good for me to go even if I have no experience? And for the future, would it be better for me not to play until I've had some experience with someone privately?

I think being inexperienced is a great reason to go, to be honest. It's a good opportunity to see things first hand that you may have wondered about, or maybe not even thought of! You'll be in a fairly safe, monitored environment and have no obligation to play.

As for when to play, when you feel comfortable. I, personally, am more at ease in public at first than I am in private, since I *know* if someone steps too out of line in public, there are immediate repercussions (pissing off the DM isn't a good idea), or at the very least witnesses . Expecially given that I have a penchant for bondage, I absolutely refuse to play in private with anyone that I do not trust implicitly (and I generally top!).

Just be honest that you are a novice, and people should be fairly respectful of that. You might even land yourself a couple friends amongst more experienced players, that are willing to mentor you to a degree (when I say mentor, I just mean show you new things).

Public play does come with it's own set of hazards, however. Playing in public has the drawback of, well, being public. It's not an entirely controlled environment, and comes with its distractions. There might be a lot of noise and stuff going on around you, and even though there are general standards of etiquette, not everyone is aware of them. Some people might get too close, talk too loud, or otherwise be disruptive of your scene. Dungeons tend to have DMs to enforce "the rules" which is quite nice, a play party may or may not have an enforcer, and playing at a bar night or on the street (for example, I played with/bound a couple friends at Folsom SF, and demo semi regularly at a leather bar) can be outright annoying. Not everyone is aware of protocol, and crowd control can be a pain, but these are the occupational hazards of public play.

Overall, for me, I have fun and therefore find it to be rewarding. Do what resonates with you. :)

_____________________________

I still hear you scream... in every breath, every single motion

(in reply to kittyinpink)

Post #: 13

RE: First time for everything - 10/14/2007 9:44:36 PM

iammachine

Posts: 1549
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Question I have that weren't addressed are:
1. How am I expected to address others? Am I supposed to say Master and Mistress even though it's my first time?
2. This is really girly, but what do I wear? LOL I don't own any leather (yet)... And we will be going to a munch beforehand

If anyone demands that you address them by a title, and it doesn't jive with you, feel free to politely say so. Some people (such as myself) get their knickers in a bunch if you refer to them by an honorific, other people expect everyone to bow to their domliness. If someone is too overbearing, I like to say "Is that your protocol in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Which isn't very nice, but turnabout is fair, or at least entertaining, play at times.

As for what to wear, you might want to find out if there is a dress code. Since you are going to a munch before hand, you definitely want to wear "street safe" clothing to that. Scaring the locals is never a good thing. You might bring a shoulder bag with a change of clothes with you, or you should probably be okay dressed as you would be to go out to a fairly nice dinner (ie look cute, but not over the top!).

_____________________________

I still hear you scream... in every breath, every single motion

(in reply to kittyinpink)

Post #: 14

RE: First time for everything - 10/14/2007 9:45:16 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Older women being jealous of younger women is certainly NOT a myth in some of the places I've been- just like the vanilla world.

That being said, don't go EXPECTING it to happen. Just go without expectations, open yourself to the experience. It's all new and too big right now anyway and it will take at least three visits to really start getting a real perspective and understanding of what's going on.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to iammachine)

Post #: 15

RE: First time for everything - 10/14/2007 9:49:17 PM

glowworm

Posts: 14
Joined: 7/5/2007
Status: offline

Dress like you're going to a club or goth-style wear is perfectably acceptable. Some just wear T-shirts and jeans. If you do wind up playing and you feel skittish about being nude in front of others, wearing a thong or G-string is a good idea.

Local thift stores in my area often have leather...I have been able to buy leather pants for only $10. You don't have to spend lots of money to have great outfits. Besides, it's no fun to look like everyone else. Dress as your fantasy instead!

You may get asked to play on your first visit, but you are under absolutely no obligation to accept. In fact, I didn't play publically for the first 18 months after I joined my local dungeon, I was happy just to watch and learn. There are nasty predatory types who like to go after "fresh meat"....be cautious.   Use your powers of observation - who is respected, who are people going to for advice vs those who are hanging out by themselves, not socializing with the group. Most groups have orientation/mentoring programs.

Addressing a Top/Master/Mistress/Dom/Domme as Sir or Ma'am is appropriate, but calling someone Master or Mistress can be tricky.   Best advice is to watch what other people do...there are many unwritten social rules in this community, most are common sense however.   With subs/slaves, it is more complicated, some may have permission to speak freely, some may need permission, again watch what other people are doing.

Good luck, have fun, be safe!!!   Feel free to write to me if you have any questions....

glowworm

(in reply to kittyinpink)

Post #: 16

RE: First time for everything - 10/14/2007 9:52:02 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: glowworm
Addressing a Top/Master/Mistress/Dom/Domme as Sir or Ma'am is appropriate,

Except when it's not. And then- how exactly are you supposed to know who is what orientation? And what should she call a switch?

quote:

there are many unwritten social rules in this community, most are common sense however. With subs/slaves, it is more complicated, some may have permission to speak freely, some may need permission, again watch what other people are doing.

And ignore this whole paragraph.

Just use the same good manners you've always had and you'll be fine. You are NOT expected to know or agree to anyone else's "special protocol" until you are specifically asked and agree to it. It's THEIR job to inform you if THEY have any restrictions.

Just act like you would at a nilla party- except be quiet around other scenes and don't touch without asking.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to glowworm)

Post #: 17

RE: First time for everything - 10/14/2007 10:56:45 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

Ignore nothing. We all have our own idea's of what is correct and what isn't in any situation. It doesn't make any of us right or wrong. Take the responses given to the questions you asked and use what feels right to YOU, not everyone else.

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 18

RE: First time for everything - 10/14/2007 11:30:14 PM

Kellendra

Posts: 95
Joined: 4/17/2007
Status: offline

Wow, great post.
Thank you for asking such an excellant question.
Hope all goes well for you...and you have a great time.

(in reply to MissMagnolia)

Post #: 19

RE: First time for everything - 10/15/2007 1:08:15 AM

obis

Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline

Definitely go, it sounds like you're interested and looking forward to it. You'll learn a lot regardless of your previous experience. As others have said, do what you're comfortable with in terms of behavior and communication -- feel free to ignore anyone who expects you to do otherwise. Wear whatever you'd wear out to a club if you were going dancing, or feel free to dress down in jeans (this is Texas after all!).

The BIG thing I always tell newbies when they go to a club/dungeon the first time is that the people and activities you see there are not a representative sample of the community at large (ie, all the other folks you might be interested in having a relationship with someday). You're seeing the somewhat exhibitionist side of BDSM. That may be exactly what you want, or it may totally freak you out -- either way, you just need to know that there's no *expectation* that you have to fit into that mold or enjoy that kind of play in order to have your needs met. But it is perfectly cool to go and just watch to see what you DO like, just be respectful of people's space (which I assume you would be since you're bothering to ask about proper behavior in the first place, that's generally not something rude people do :P).

As for being hated for being 20, I'm sure you'll feel all tingly and get some attention, but that's more because you're a newbie than anything else. Assuming you have all the standard female equipment, it's a safe bet everyone's seen it before.

As for playing in the future, I personally think it's better to start playing in private, but that's because (in my experience) it's a lot more tempting for a new girl to want to "impress" this new group by getting in over her head. When it's one-on-one (or two-on-one) it seems to be less pressure. But of course you know yourself what will work best. Just give it thought.

(in reply to Kellendra)

Post #: 20

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