RE: submissive paradox-controlling the "Dominant" (Full Version)

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Rover -> RE: submissive paradox-controlling the "Dominant" (10/31/2007 2:43:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

There's more to being a dominant than free coffee and blowjobs.


Yeah, you forgot commanding the television remote control, football, and giving a constant stream of orders to a lucky recipient.
 
John



MzMia -> RE: submissive paradox-controlling the "Dominant" (10/31/2007 8:15:19 PM)

What about fetching the beer and popcorn?



RRafe -> RE: submissive paradox-controlling the "Dominant" (10/31/2007 9:15:15 PM)

When we most fear losing that which we value-we die a little inside.
 
If one masters the art of living in the moment-rather than an unseen future-or an unchangeable past-one learns to live.



subtee -> RE: submissive paradox-controlling the "Dominant" (10/31/2007 9:27:32 PM)

Maybe I've had too much wine and I'll end up getting a little Tee sap on you all, but maybe too we could imagine that if she begins to lose her way, it's not because she's bad or wrong, but just that, well, she's lost her way a bit. Sometimes that manifests in foundering about until she can catch ahold of some kind of safety again. Maybe, although, misguided, she may founder enough that she tries, probably subconsciously, to control Him in such a way to feel okay again--maybe even for both of them.

I've not experienced this, but I do know we all get our paths convoluted sometimes. We're not bad people, so let's hold that assumption, since we really have to assume something.

Also, as foundering as I may get, I wouldn't dream of touching the remote, but I want to watch football too, okay? (I'm not a bad person! I just happen to like football!!)



applecandy -> RE: submissive paradox-controlling the "Dominant" (10/31/2007 9:29:09 PM)

Heh. True submission is so Zen. It's a safe place.

Thanks, RRafe, for reminding me of that with that little post.



MzMia -> RE: submissive paradox-controlling the "Dominant" (10/31/2007 9:33:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

When we most fear losing that which we value-we die a little inside.
 
If one masters the art of living in the moment-rather than an unseen future-or an unchangeable past-one learns to live.


Thank you for this post, and contributing to it.
This is one of the best topics I have seen on here in a long time.



RRafe -> RE: submissive paradox-controlling the "Dominant" (10/31/2007 9:38:09 PM)

Men,especially dominant men-have different ways of dealing with emotional stress than women. They often feel that they need to deal with issues like burn out on thier own.
 
And they may feel the need to withdraw for a time-to be able to think out how to deal with things-which a woman may feel as a rejection-expecially if she happens to be the one leading to those feelings. Resentment and nagging are not going to help this situation.
 
 A Dominant is not made of stone-and is going to need  to feel loved and respected enough-that his partner will grant those times to him-without malice or smothering. People need to be able to see beyonds themselves,and thier own needs to make a relationship work.
 
 To be able to make sacrifices for the relationship from time to time. Try to show that you can appreciate someone as a person-not just an expectation.
 
 Because that's what love is-acceptance.



adoracat -> RE: submissive paradox-controlling the "Dominant" (10/31/2007 10:38:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

If a sub really desires a place in which she can express her submission........How can she aid her partner in helping that to come to pass?

Without becoming the Dom herself?


i ask.  "Daddy, can we..?"  but then it is up to HIM to decide what we do or do not do.  he gives me the permission to ask, and i have the right to tell him where i am emotionally and physically, but its always Daddy who decides.

but that's our dynamic

kitten



BloodLuna -> RE: submissive paradox-controlling the "Dominant" (11/1/2007 6:50:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

Men,especially dominant men-have different ways of dealing with emotional stress than women. They often feel that they need to deal with issues like burn out on thier own.
 
And they may feel the need to withdraw for a time-to be able to think out how to deal with things-which a woman may feel as a rejection-expecially if she happens to be the one leading to those feelings. Resentment and nagging are not going to help this situation.
 
 A Dominant is not made of stone-and is going to need  to feel loved and respected enough-that his partner will grant those times to him-without malice or smothering. People need to be able to see beyonds themselves,and thier own needs to make a relationship work.
 
 To be able to make sacrifices for the relationship from time to time. Try to show that you can appreciate someone as a person-not just an expectation.
 
 Because that's what love is-acceptance.


RRafe.  Thank you SO much for mentioning this.  My Dom works 12 hours a week, plus taking care of my health which is sketchy at the moment.  Sometimes he needs to just spend a few hours (or days) vegging out on a video game.  I can sense when he becomes emotionally unavailable because he gets stressed and needs to recharge and I have a tendancy to get clingy and demanding at that exact moment because I FEEL him withdraw.  My resentment and nagging does serve to worsen his need for a break and he withdraws further.  No amount of resistance or demanding is going to change that, in fact it may worsen it.  I've learned to live with it, but it took alot of corner time and time outs for disrespect and a few serious talks about my own selfishness before I caught on.  I'm glad you brought that up!

Lady Luna



subtee -> RE: submissive paradox-controlling the "Dominant" (11/1/2007 8:39:07 AM)

Men and women are different, often, in the ways they handle difficulty or strain within a relationship. Thank god! I really, really like men for this as well as many other reasons. ~smiles~

I may suggest that this generalized difference could, in some cases, be further dichotomized within a D/s relationship. It's kinda set up that way, it seems to me. I also think it works, which is cool.

The kind of fear that I may feel from this:
quote:

And they may feel the need to withdraw for a time-to be able to think out how to deal with things-which a woman may feel as a rejection-expecially if she happens to be the one leading to those feelings. Resentment and nagging are not going to help this situation.
is not particularly productive (except in terms of learning to grow, but that's after); as you put it so very well:
quote:

When we most fear losing that which we value-we die a little inside.


You're right, neither the resentment sentiment nor the (perhaps) desperate resultant nagging are going to help. I can't imagine that most would like to engage in either, or to be seen as engaging in either. Not attractive, not fun.

So. I would just like to suggest that if she's struggling with this and foundering about, making mistakes as a result, she's not bad. She may be moving on the wrong path, but she's still determinedly moving on the path for the sole purpose of coming back to you.




chellekitty -> RE: submissive paradox-controlling the "Dominant" (11/1/2007 8:43:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe
Men,especially dominant men-have different ways of dealing with emotional stress than women. They often feel that they need to deal with issues like burn out on thier own.


crap...thats my problem...i have been identifying myself all wrong, i am not a female slave...i am a Dominant man [:D]



juliaoceania -> RE: submissive paradox-controlling the "Dominant" (11/2/2007 6:34:57 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

Why do you think this sort of thing happens?

What could possibly cause someone who claims submission,to want such control over the one he or she supposedly wishes to surrender to?


I am writing this as someone that has discovered that she has multiple motives for why she does a thing. In other words, I know that much of what I do is to try to control events, other people, or myself. Life is many times a control game. We go to work so we can control whether or not we get a paycheck. We give our kids rewards or punishments so we can control their behavior. We are nice to people so we can control their reactions to us.....

... and in my mind, especially in the past, I submitted because I wanted to control my Daddy's opinion of me, as well as other motivations. If there was not some control involved in the situation, I would not give a rat's ass how he felt about my submission, I would be submitting only for myself... and the very fact I DO care about what he thinks of me, and my submission is shaped by that, shows that I feel on some level I can control how he feels by what I do....

I have spent the last few months disengaging myself from the good opinions of others. I have basically decided that I was going to step back and watch the control games with my loved ones. I quit playing those control games with them, like guilt, withdrawl of approval, or asking their approval. I am free to be me, and I free them to be who they are as a result. This is because I do not desire to control anyone anymore. My familial relationships have gotten so much better since I quit caring what they think, but just loved them

I do not expect others to agree with what I have just written.. what I miss about this board is the divergent opinions contained in each thread. I do not know what my new worldview on control will do to our D/s dynamic, but this much I know from the last week, the other motivations to submit are much stronger than the desire to control his opinion of me and how he feels about me.

I am still formulating thoughts about this




MzMia -> RE: submissive paradox-controlling the "Dominant" (11/4/2007 10:20:57 AM)

Great post julia, but isn't it true that we all have multiple reasons for just about
everything we do in life?

I can understand why most reasonable people are not going to give up control of every aspect
of their life, but trying to manipulate and control your Dominant deliberately is a real form of manipulation.



ImpGrrl -> RE: submissive paradox-controlling the "Dominant" (11/4/2007 3:49:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

but who wants to be the slave of a slave?[&:]


Not sure if this was serious or not, but if so...some do.



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