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A bit of advice....please! - 8/3/2005 7:46:43 PM

aching2pleaseher

Posts: 3
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

Hello! I am new, and my profile is awaiting approval. After 'filling it in' I am not so sure that I made it as enticing as possible. Let's be honest here, a sub male, married, newbie....that's not exactly the best category to be in when you're trying to find a true blue non-abusive Domme. I would greatly appreciate it if some of you kind, intelligent Mistresses would assist me in making myself competitively marketable. Any advice on how to meet the right domme in the real world would be fantastic! If you wish, you may email me also at [email protected]. Thank you for your time. Scott

RE: A bit of advice....please! - 8/3/2005 8:01:11 PM

Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline

Okay, Scott.... but remember, you asked for it!

(in reply to aching2pleaseher)

RE: A bit of advice....please! - 8/3/2005 8:15:40 PM

SadisticPrincess

Posts: 87
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline

Good of you to warn him, Chris.

Okay, Scott. I haven't checked your profile, but I'm feeling just goofy enough to ask this question: WHY ARE YOU NOT SERVING YOUR WIFE?

I suspect that the definition of "service" is in question here, and what is considered "submission" as well. Think about both of those words, and let us know why you feel that cheating on your spouse is a good thing.

:) ps---bonus points for honesty!

_____________________________

Ms Francine
Headmistress, Michigan Club Fem

(in reply to onceburned)

RE: A bit of advice....please! - 8/3/2005 9:53:29 PM

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: aching2pleaseher

Hello! I am new, and my profile is awaiting approval. After 'filling it in' I am not so sure that I made it as enticing as possible. Let's be honest here, a sub male, married, newbie....that's not exactly the best category to be in when you're trying to find a true blue non-abusive Domme. I would greatly appreciate it if some of you kind, intelligent Mistresses would assist me in making myself competitively marketable. Any advice on how to meet the right domme in the real world would be fantastic! If you wish, you may email me also at [email protected]. Thank you for your time. Scott

You will not be "competitively marketable" if you are married (especially if the wife is not ok with you seeing others). You will, in fact, be at the bottom of the food chain.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to aching2pleaseher)

RE: A bit of advice....please! - 8/7/2005 4:47:18 PM

aching2pleaseher

Posts: 3
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

Guess I should have clarified my situation. My wife is fully aware of what I do, and no, I am not cheating on her. I have asked that she let me serve her, but she too seems to be a submissive. This makes it a little awkward, as when comparing ourselves, she is more submissive than I. That being said, I really have no desire to be a Master (not now at least). I have a very strong personality, am very outgoing, and usually end up the leader of any group I join. While that is rewarding to me, I seek balance, and feel that serving a Mistress would help me to attain that balance, while hopefully providing a Mistress with a true submissive, ready to serve her every whim. I am a gentleman by nature, so what some Mistresses have told me is submissive, I consider common chivalry. I am not looking to please only in the bedroom either, and sex is not the focal point of my search. My wife and I have a very active sex life, and I have no complaints at all. Thank you very much for your input..and I do wish to hear more. Sincerely, Scott

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: A bit of advice....please! - 8/7/2005 5:50:31 PM

saret

Posts: 71
Joined: 4/27/2005
Status: offline

Hmm ... this is simply my observation, so please don't take it as insulting or attacking.

You, my dear, need to learn patience.

Most female dominants do not want to get involved with a married man, for the same reason they dont want to get involved with bi-curious girls with a boyfriend: 9 times out of 10, you are making Us into nothing more than an object, a whip-whiedling prop in your fantasy.
It sounds like you brought it up to your wife, and didn't want to spend the time and energy involved in helping her to find her confidence, and so are charging off to find a "true" Mistress (tm). One who will bark orders at you from the get-go.

So shell out the cash and go see a pro-dom.

Or ... you could do some soul-searching, and take a different look at what "pleasing" and "servitude" mean, and start with your wife again. Find out what she likes, and start giving her those things without being asked. Find out what she enjoys, and take her out to those things. Come home and and give her a footrub, every day. Always be polite, always ask her opinion on subjects, and if you are making a choice on something, wait until she can up her mind on the issue, and defer to her choice. Very slowly step back from the driving seat in the relationship, allowing her to build confidence in herself and her choices.

I started off as a submissive in the BDSM scene, and in real life was a very shy and indescicive person. It took me many years to build up enough confidence to be outgoing, to realize *gasp* I could actually ask for and get what I wanted, to allow myself to graciously accept respect without freaking out and thinking I didnt deserve it.
My sexual tastes also gradually morphed into more demanding, more domminant sides, and now I have almost no interest in being submissive anymore. I love being on top now, it thrills me like nothing else.

I agree 200% with SadisticPrincess about your wife -- you've sown that garden to grow for a lifetime, methinks you should tend to it before picking other people's flowers.

-S-

(in reply to aching2pleaseher)

RE: A bit of advice....please! - 8/7/2005 6:11:19 PM

Posts: 265
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: saret

I agree 200% with SadisticPrincess about your wife -- you've sown that garden to grow for a lifetime, methinks you should tend to it before picking other people's flowers.

-S-

I :heart: Saret :)

_____________________________

“The giant Grof was hit in one eye by a stone,
and that eye turned inward so that it looked into his mind and he died of what he saw there.”
From The Forgotten Beasts of Eld, by Patricia A. McKillip

(in reply to saret)

RE: A bit of advice....please! - 8/7/2005 6:18:55 PM

Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: saret
Always be polite, always ask her opinion on subjects, and if you are making a choice on something, wait until she can up her mind on the issue, and defer to her choice. Very slowly step back from the driving seat in the relationship, allowing her to build confidence in herself and her choices.
<snip>
I agree 200% with SadisticPrincess about your wife -- you've sown that garden to grow for a lifetime, methinks you should tend to it before picking other people's flowers.

I think both Scott and Saret are correct, to some degree, even though their opinions differ.

On Scott's side.... I have been there. If he has a strong personality, he probably attracted a wife that is thrilled by having a strong, dynamic mate. She is likely to prefer submission because it is deeply rooted in her personality. I am not sure that everyone can make the journey that Saret did. And its possible that she will resist attempts to hand over decision making or 'taking the lead'. I know my ex-wife did. I found the process very frustrating and unfulfilling.

On Saret's side... I agree that it is best to try to stay within the marriage. I think going outside of it (with her full knowledge and consent) also weakened our marriage because I think there was resentment over the time and energy I spent with someone else. But its hard to measure since our marriage was already drifting towards the rocks (for a number of reasons). I would also admit that my attempts to passively submit to her were often clumsy and that I probably pushed her too fast. Perhaps Scott would do better.

(in reply to saret)

RE: A bit of advice....please! - 8/7/2005 6:54:52 PM

aching2pleaseher

Posts: 3
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

I can definately see both sides of the argument here. I do try to submit more, but I do have a dynamic powerful personality, and she does have a very submissive personality. Though, a professional domme is not what I wish either, as I do not want someone to simply "Bark orders" at me. I was in the military, and saw both sides of that relationship and it did not please me at all. That was control taken, not given. I could choose to give control to any number of people, but I want to give it to someone who will treat me well, not like a piece of meat that has a wallet. If I wanted that, maybe there is another scene I would be into instead of dom\sub. Again, what I crave is not soley sexual, nor is it without intimacy. My wife and I enjoy threesomes occaisionally, and she then tells me to have my way with the other woman, and gets extremely excited by this. In fact, sometimes I take this other woman out, (with permission) and relay the details later.

I think at this point, she wants me to take a dip in the pool, check out the waters, and if I say the water is fine, she may too venture in. However, I think it unwise for the two of us to just try on our own, we would make terrible mistakes, maybe even making things rough for our marriage. I am not cheap, and have considered a pro, but....how to trust them? How to ensure they are the correct Mistress for me. Not sure that is the safest course of action. If someone were to recommend and guarantee (by their word, not a true guarantee) a good pro in my area, I would entertain the notion of seeing her.

All, your advice is well taken, please continue this discussion, I have much yet to learn!

Scott

(in reply to onceburned)

RE: A bit of advice....please! - 8/7/2005 7:15:22 PM

Posts: 3052
Status: offline

quote:

Hello! I am new, and my profile is awaiting approval. After 'filling it in' I am not so sure that I made it as enticing as possible. Let's be honest here, a sub male, married, newbie....that's not exactly the best category to be in when you're trying to find a true blue non-abusive Domme. I would greatly appreciate it if some of you kind, intelligent Mistresses would assist me in making myself competitively marketable. Any advice on how to meet the right domme in the real world would be fantastic! If you wish, you may email me also at [email protected]. Thank you for your time. Scott

Hello Scott.....
To you and all that write this same sort of post i.e. "Is my profile totally stupid", "I am so new at this could you take a look at my profile and tell me what i did wrong"...etc.etc....

I think this is just a manipulative ploy to try get Domina's to take notice of you.....

And you Domina's who always seem to fall into it and answer....I have listened to most of you and I know you are Not dumb....

What gives with this half ass kind of communication? Topping from the bottom wank? Just Curious??

*Brightspot

_____________________________

"Comedy is NOT Pretty!" ~Peter Nelson

But..."May at Least One person have a sense of Humor!" ~KML.

http://360.yahoo.com/my_profile-TD4TwEw8crWS3GHFDcs_DK1rHmW6Dq_E;_ylt=Av2PfG9gH0wkQrMPivuMCivGAOJ3

(in reply to aching2pleaseher)

RE: A bit of advice....please! - 8/7/2005 7:18:20 PM

saret

Posts: 71
Joined: 4/27/2005
Status: offline

'Tis true, revamping one's personality is a long and difficult struggle, and not for everyone. It also depends on the person themselves; another person can help tremendously, but they ultimately can not make the descision for anyone else to be a stronger person.

(Not to say that submissives are weaker in personality, simply to say that as I gained a stronger sense of self, I also gained a better sense of what I genuinely liked, and so my sexual tastes also changed dramatically.)

It sounds like you spend many years trying to get your ex to take the lead, and no, it isnt for everyone. Im sorry things didnt work out.

Ive seen a lot of guys try to force dominance on women, and that can be as aggravating and a huge turn-off. I know nothing of either relationship, so I can only speak from assumptions and personal experience. From the original post, it sounded like he gave it a shot (which is admirable), but when the first or second try didnt work, he went off to find someone else -- without, I think, considering how much being involved with a Mistress may weaken his marrage. Because BDSM, whether involving sex or not, is deeply intimate.

Its a serious turn-off when a guy talks about chivalry and servitude, then talks about "happily" screwing his wife but wanting to be psychologically intimate with another woman.

Its a shame she doesn't fufill all of his needs, but he chose to marry her! Problems in a marrage (as Im sure you know) are solved on the scale of years, not on a scale of excitements. She may or may not ever fufill that need in him to submit, leaving him frustrated and resentful in the long term. In which case he should consider why he's still married to her, and what is more valuble in his life. Sadly, compromises rarely work in situations like this. (Sometimes they do, and thats wonderful. Usually they don't.) These are damn difficult questions that have to be asked if he has an ounce of respect for other people.

I was just saying that by showing his wife some serious, uncompromising, long term adoration in everyday life - without her asking for it, she might start liking it. Maybe even get confident enough to abuse him (consensually, of course.)
Loads of shy people fantasize about exerting control, but then immediately think "Oh I could never do that." And it takes months, even years before they start realizing "Maybe I can do that!"

-S-

(in reply to onceburned)

RE: A bit of advice....please! - 8/7/2005 7:35:28 PM

Posts: 3052
Status: offline

quote:

'Tis true, revamping one's personality is a long and difficult struggle, and not for everyone. It also depends on the person themselves; another person can help tremendously, but they ultimately can not make the descision for anyone else to be a stronger person.

(Not to say that submissives are weaker in personality, simply to say that as I gained a stronger sense of self, I also gained a better sense of what I genuinely liked, and so my sexual tastes also changed dramatically.)

It sounds like you spend many years trying to get your ex to take the lead, and no, it isnt for everyone. Im sorry things didnt work out.

Ive seen a lot of guys try to force dominance on women, and that can be as aggravating and a huge turn-off. I know nothing of either relationship, so I can only speak from assumptions and personal experience. From the original post, it sounded like he gave it a shot (which is admirable), but when the first or second try didnt work, he went off to find someone else -- without, I think, considering how much being involved with a Mistress may weaken his marrage. Because BDSM, whether involving sex or not, is deeply intimate.

Its a serious turn-off when a guy talks about chivalry and servitude, then talks about "happily" screwing his wife but wanting to be psychologically intimate with another woman.

Its a shame she doesn't fufill all of his needs, but he chose to marry her! Problems in a marrage (as Im sure you know) are solved on the scale of years, not on a scale of excitements. She may or may not ever fufill that need in him to submit, leaving him frustrated and resentful in the long term. In which case he should consider why he's still married to her, and what is more valuble in his life. Sadly, compromises rarely work in situations like this. (Sometimes they do, and thats wonderful. Usually they don't.) These are damn difficult questions that have to be asked if he has an ounce of respect for other people.

I was just saying that by showing his wife some serious, uncompromising, long term adoration in everyday life - without her asking for it, she might start liking it. Maybe even get confident enough to abuse him (consensually, of course.)
Loads of shy people fantasize about exerting control, but then immediately think "Oh I could never do that." And it takes months, even years before they start realizing "Maybe I can do that!"

Wow, That was deep!, You really read between the lines !

Scott, you need to be open and honest with your wife and
with yourself?
If you desires your fantasy to come true be Honest and Seize
your day!
Don't cheat on your wife, you loved her at one time and do you
have any kids????

Straighten out your real life first...before you start trying to let
your fantasies become reality.

*Brightspot

_____________________________

"Comedy is NOT Pretty!" ~Peter Nelson

But..."May at Least One person have a sense of Humor!" ~KML.

http://360.yahoo.com/my_profile-TD4TwEw8crWS3GHFDcs_DK1rHmW6Dq_E;_ylt=Av2PfG9gH0wkQrMPivuMCivGAOJ3

(in reply to saret)

RE: A bit of advice....please! - 8/7/2005 7:44:18 PM

saret

Posts: 71
Joined: 4/27/2005
Status: offline

Okay, sounds like you've talked about the situation with her, and she's game if a little nervous. Thats awesome, sorry about the quick judgement.

Someone also mentioned another option - what about a dominant who will top both of you?

Look into BDSM communities in your area - virtually every decent-sezed city has some sort of kinky social group, and that's usually the best place for beginners.
A pro-domme is a great way to experience a scene (many also do couples) from someone experienced. Its not really a place to learn skills however, and she's not going to be interested in dating you, or interacting with you outside of that specific context.

Check out:
http://www.leatherquest.com/states/michigan.htm

Also - read! There's lots of fabulous books for the beginner to BDSM, check out:

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Philip Miller and Molly Devon
Fun, not to mention approachable, chatty, and insightful, and full of amazingly useful detail.

SM 101 by Jay Wiseman
Basically one of the essential manuals of how-to for nearly every aspect of beginners BDSM.

< Message edited by saret -- 8/7/2005 9:48:21 PM >

(in reply to aching2pleaseher)

RE: A bit of advice....please! - 8/7/2005 7:49:55 PM

saret

Posts: 71
Joined: 4/27/2005
Status: offline

Oi.

Thats me, your kinky councilor next door.

(in reply to brightspot)

RE: A bit of advice....please! - 8/7/2005 8:32:59 PM

SadisticPrincess

Posts: 87
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline

You are so smart, Saret! :)

Unfortunately, there's not a lot of scene resources in upper Michigan. If you want to venture into the Grand Rapids area, there is an educational group there (GRALE), and I swear the various GR factions have a munch every week.

There is a pro dominant in your area, but I would not recommend her to anyone because of what I know of her personal life...... and while many of us pro dommes work with couples, I am not sure that is the right path for you anyway. Play is very easy to find, what you are looking for is not.

I have to reiterate that you are not going to be of much interest to most dommes, except maybe as a service person. Do you do lawn work, or carpentry? Both skills seem to be in high demand.

_____________________________

Ms Francine
Headmistress, Michigan Club Fem

(in reply to saret)

RE: A bit of advice....please! - 8/7/2005 8:42:01 PM

Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

Hi scott,

In looking at your profile, I see that you are good at explaining the relationship you have with your wife and her openness to your involvment in the lifestyle. What I'd want to see after that is what you think you have to offer a Mistress. Last, you'll need to list what you NEED out of the relationship. WANTS can come later.

Side note: don't let other people's morals dictate your own. If they don't want a married sub, then they don't need to be playing with you. It's that simple. However, DO expect interested Mistresses to want to speak to your wife to verify what you say is true.

Fire

_____________________________

you have come to a great chasm. Jump. It's not as wide as you think.

(in reply to aching2pleaseher)

RE: A bit of advice....please! - 8/7/2005 9:00:27 PM

SubmissiveBBW4U

Posts: 12
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline

Perhaps looking into a Dominant woman who might enjoy dominating a couple. Seems the reasonable answer to me.

(in reply to MistressFire70)

RE: A bit of advice....please! - 8/8/2005 7:24:55 AM

Oumae

Posts: 911
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline

Its good to see you and your wife can be open and talk to each other... keep that communication going if you do go further on your own. I agree with others on the thinking about trying to find a Dom/me who would take you on as a couple, that way you could do it together.

Good luck.

Oumae

_____________________________

Is cuma le fear na mbrog ca leagann se a chos.
( The man with the boots does not mind where he places his foot)

(in reply to aching2pleaseher)

RE: A bit of advice....please! - 8/8/2005 8:16:33 AM

SadisticPrincess

Posts: 87
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline

I was completely confused about where Portage is----there is of course a very active group in Kalamazoo-----KINK. There is a yahoo group that sends announcements of the all the local goings-on in Michigan, if you are interested, send a blank email to [email protected]

_____________________________

Ms Francine
Headmistress, Michigan Club Fem

(in reply to Oumae)

RE: A bit of advice....please! - 8/8/2005 4:30:07 PM

Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

Way to go for a cool way to get self advertising,alot better then my http://www.collarchat.com/Ive_changed_my_profile_is_it_better%3F/m_136939/tm.htm thread

(in reply to aching2pleaseher)

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