Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Validate me


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Validate me Page: [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Validate me - 11/12/2007 6:36:44 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		Pretty sure i'm going to face some flames for this, but i honestly feel strongly enough about this to have to post it anyway.
 
Whilst reading the 'how do you change your perception' thread i couldn't help but notice that a few posters were of the opinion that if your Dom / Domme says you are beautiful (example), then you should just accept it as the truth. Another poster (a Dom) says that his is the only opinion that counts.
 
What about your own opinion? How about validating yourself rather than someone else validating you?  Saying 'i am beautiful because Sir says so', ok yes Sir finds you beautiful. What happens though if Sir is no longer around to validate you? Shouldn't believing in oneself start with oneself?
 
I love to hear Sir say i look good, beautiful for example, but i don't need Him to validate me as beautiful. I need to validate myself and yeah there are days when i think i look like shit and there are days i think i'm an out and out goddess. I just think relying on someone else to validate me is not healthy in the long run. It's a quick fix for a problem that is at some point going to resurface.
 
I have to add there are also some fabulous posts about working WITH your Dom / Domme to believe in oneself such as Kyra of Mists, Breatheasone and SimplyMichaels to name but a few.  

< Message edited by missturbation -- 11/12/2007 6:37:47 AM >

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 6:39:07 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		But you are here asking us to validate you.

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 6:41:17 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		Not at all.
Exactly how am i asking you to validate me? I am of this opinion whether you validate it or not.  

Edited to add :- If you are referring to the title of this thread, i am not actually asking anyone to validate me or my opinion. Its just a title which i thought fit considering this thread is about validating oneself.

< Message edited by missturbation -- 11/12/2007 6:43:57 AM >

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 6:45:11 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

But you are here asking us to validate you.


This is true missT, you are asking for validation, most of us do ask for it in one way or another.

I strongly desire my partner to appreciate me physically. I do realize that the only person that can make me feel good about me is myself though. No one can fill another person up in my opinion. At the same time, if people report that their dominant reflects their beauty back to them and in that reflection they can see it for themselves, who am I to argue with that, or deem it "unhealthy". It is what it is.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 6:47:40 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Hell, I thought this was a thread exchanging blowjobs for a parking validation.

Never mind. 

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 6:50:58 AM   
MidnightMaiden


Posts: 142
Joined: 10/22/2007
Status: offline 		Has anyone heard of Eric Berne and his Transactional Analysis?  Warm fuzzies and cold pricklies and parent tapes?  Often negative messages a parent tapes, often but not necessarily given to us by our actual parents, but played by the parental part of our personality.  You can't have that piece of cheesecake you are too fat.  That is a parent tape.  Listening to the words of someone in our life that we respect, and playing that message over and over again is just one way to erase that parental tape and replace it with a more positive message.  It's not the only way.

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 6:51:28 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		To be honest if not one person agrees with me in this thread, it's all good by me. I'm not looking for anyone to validate my opinion in any way, shape or form. The only person that can validate me is me.
 
quote:

At the same time, if people report that their dominant reflects their beauty back to them and in that reflection they can see it for themselves, who am I to argue with that, or deem it "unhealthy". It is what it is.

I agree. However to only believe it because your Dom / Domme says it is so is unhealthy to me. To work together on it and promote self belief is great. Just accepting because you're told too, well not so healthy to me, when it comes to matters such as self worth etc.  

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 6:54:34 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

However to only believe it because your Dom / Domme says it is so is unhealthy to me.

 
Key words "to me". I am in no position to deem what is unhealthy to others because I do not exist inside their skin. If they are happy, blissful, content, and have self esteem due to that reflection, I can't argue with how they feel, can I? I may think it would not work for me, but that is just me, and I could be wrong.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 6:56:32 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Misst, I understand what you are saying. As I sit here and think about it, it all goes back to something I was thinking about yesterday.

KoM had a thread about strong dominantion versus weak. That got me to thinking that in alot of ways it isn't so much dominant characteristics but personal characteristics that can apply to anyone, that cause me to see a dominant as strong or weak. Alot of the same characteristics apply to wether or not I find a submissive/slave interesting.

A sense of self awareness, in all of it's facets. Acknowledging strengths and weaknesses. For me, your appearance and acknowledging that you find yourself attractive, have pride in your appearance, fits in this area.

Sure, we all have days when we look in the mirror and think "OMG WTF happened to ME??" or something along those lines. Usually after a rough night, or having been sick.

I like knowing that a woman has confidence in herself, her abilities and her appearance.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 6:56:42 AM   
azropedntied


Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline 		OKok your all pretty and dont have to pay for parking ,goin back to bed ..

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 6:57:03 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

Listening to the words of someone in our life that we respect, and playing that message over and over again is just one way to erase that parental tape and replace it with a more positive message.  It's not the only way.


I'm not saying we shouldn't listen to significant people in our lives when it comes to these matters. I'm not even saying we shouldn't accept what others tell us. I'm saying i dont in my opinion feel it is healthy to just accept what others say as truth because they say it.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to MidnightMaiden)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 6:57:41 AM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

To be honest if not one person agrees with me in this thread, it's all good by me. I'm not looking for anyone to validate my opinion in any way, shape or form. The only person that can validate me is me.
 
quote:

At the same time, if people report that their dominant reflects their beauty back to them and in that reflection they can see it for themselves, who am I to argue with that, or deem it "unhealthy". It is what it is.

I agree. However to only believe it because your Dom / Domme says it is so is unhealthy to me. To work together on it and promote self belief is great. Just accepting because you're told too, well not so healthy to me, when it comes to matters such as self worth etc.  


so stay out of their relationships, and stick to yours? especially when you are not invited...


< Message edited by chellekitty -- 11/12/2007 6:58:05 AM >

_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 6:58:17 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

However to only believe it because your Dom / Domme says it is so is unhealthy to me.

 
Key words "to me". I am in no position to deem what is unhealthy to others because I do not exist inside their skin. If they are happy, blissful, content, and have self esteem due to that reflection, I can't argue with how they feel, can I? I may think it would not work for me, but that is just me, and I could be wrong.


I totally agree.
I'm just throwing an opinion out there to discuss.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 7:01:12 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		If you depend on a person (such as your partner) to validate you, what happens when that person is no longer in your life?  Hopefully relationships last a long time, but some are fleeting, for whatever reasons.  Does your self-esteem crumble when that person is no longer around to validate you?  I think it's better to stand on your own and validate yourself, be strong so you always have you, don't rely on another person whispering in your ear.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 7:02:08 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

A sense of self awareness, in all of it's facets. Acknowledging strengths and weaknesses. For me, your appearance and acknowledging that you find yourself attractive, have pride in your appearance, fits in this area.

You say it so much better than me
 

quote:

I like knowing that a woman has confidence in herself, her abilities and her appearance.

See this is my point  Confidence in herself, not because she has been told to have it but because she has been helped to see her beauty etc or has found it herself.




_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 7:05:18 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

so stay out of their relationships, and stick to yours? especially when you are not invited...


Chelle, i threw an idea, an opinion out there to discuss which is all anyone does when they start a thread here. By your response i take it i have touched a raw nerve or something?
If you don't agree with me, fine say so. However i have not told anyone how to run their relationship, just questioned something i personally dont see as healthy. It is only my opinion, don't let it bother you so much.
 
Edited for crap spelling.




< Message edited by missturbation -- 11/12/2007 7:07:26 AM >

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to chellekitty)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 7:06:30 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

If you depend on a person (such as your partner) to validate you, what happens when that person is no longer in your life?  Hopefully relationships last a long time, but some are fleeting, for whatever reasons.  Does your self-esteem crumble when that person is no longer around to validate you?  I think it's better to stand on your own and validate yourself, be strong so you always have you, don't rely on another person whispering in your ear.

Said much better than i did

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 7:09:34 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Does your self-esteem crumble when that person is no longer around to validate you? 


Short answer, yes

I went through a period recently where I felt pretty crappy about me because I was accustomed to the validation of another and all of the sudden it was "gone". I learned to validate myself again....

This plays into a bigger issue if anyone else cares to discuss it... who has the more important opinion about a submissive's identity.... the dom or the sub? For example, if a dom tells a submissive to lose weight, even though her weight is in normal range and she felt good about herself before he brought it up... who has the more important opinion? Should she need him to validate her weight as long as it is healthy for her height?...

How far should the need for validation go? Should we question the basics of who we are?

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 7:14:40 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

How far should the need for validation go? Should we question the basics of who we are?


It is difficult for me to sometimes determine where the fine line is between "this is who I am at my core" and "I wonder if I should consider this as part of submission or part of  expanding the possibilities within myself."  I think many subs face these struggles.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Validate me - 11/12/2007 7:18:58 AM   
Vanatru


Posts: 300
Joined: 4/16/2004
Status: offline 		Often the beauty question obscures the real issue, and that is perspective. A person can look at themselves and totally ignore a whole side of themselves and completely overemphasize another part. You see this quite clearly in anorexics where, not matter how slight their real body fat is, to them it’s an overwhelming mountain of ugly blubber. Anorexics do not corner the market on doing this, many people harbor varying degrees of obsessive perspective, and in general, other people have little impact in affecting such an outlook. About the best someone can do is help them see there are other things about them than the negative perspective, that their fat/bad teeth/whatever doesn’t define all of who they are. But mainly it takes the person themselves to see it, to realize there is much more to them than this one aspect of their life. It also takes a change in definition, for anorexics, their definition of beauty is being thin. By changing their definition, they start changing their perspective, and vice versa.

There is another type that has a beauty obsession, and those are the ones that are really asking for attention. Some also ask if they are beautiful, not because they think they are ugly, but they seek confirmation from their partner that they are desirable, sexy, and attractive.

Edit: darn paste boulderdash

< Message edited by Vanatru -- 11/12/2007 7:21:22 AM >

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Validate me Page: [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109