RE: Married Conundrum

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breastbonder -> RE: Married Conundrum (11/19/2007 10:14:11 AM)
Thanks. I haven't actually consumated anything, but that doesn't really matter. The simple fact is that since I am here in most people's minds this is cheating. And lies get easier the more you tell them.

breastbonder -> RE: Married Conundrum (11/19/2007 10:18:21 AM)
>> How do you know your wife is Vanilla? Well we've been down the exact road you've described, and no I just did not whip out the ropes one day <g>, that would be very freaky. The simple truth she did not like being sub any more than I would. That in itself would definitely not be enough to go cheat on someone, really. I should have been more up front about all of the issues, but did not really want to go into great detail here. Anyway, thanks for the response.

breastbonder -> RE: Married Conundrum (11/19/2007 10:19:31 AM)
Didn't mean to blame her at all.

gorgeous1 -> RE: Married Conundrum (11/19/2007 12:15:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: breastbonder >> How do you know your wife is Vanilla? Well we've been down the exact road you've described, and no I just did not whip out the ropes one day <g>, that would be very freaky. The simple truth she did not like being sub any more than I would. That in itself would definitely not be enough to go cheat on someone, really. I should have been more up front about all of the issues, but did not really want to go into great detail here. Anyway, thanks for the response. OK, well that explains more. A few years ago I met a couple who are both dominant. They are still happily married and have sex together, but they scene with others. I don't know if that's something she'd ever do, but just thought I'd throw that out there. I'm very sorry that you two have come to this. I guess you have a hard road ahead of you, and some decisions to make. The fact that you are bothered enough to come out and admit you are married shows you care about doing the right thing. Good luck to you.

breastbonder -> RE: Married Conundrum (11/19/2007 12:22:04 PM)
>>I'm very sorry that you two have come to this. I guess you have a hard road ahead of you, and some decisions to make. The fact that you are bothered enough to come out and admit you are married shows you care about doing the right thing. Good luck to you. << Thanks. The posts here have given me quite a bit to think about, even the ones who basically think I am an asshole <g>. I appreciate _all_ of the responses.

akisha -> RE: Married Conundrum (11/19/2007 12:36:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: breastbonder I'm married to a vanilla and feel trapped in the relationship. Basically made a wrong choice then and now am paying for it. My question is, how do subs feel when they're approached by a married man? If I'm open and honest about it I'd have thought it would not be a problem but it's not turning out that way. In many cases there seems to be instant hatred eminating from them without knowing who I am or how or why I got into the situation I find myself in. Are married men seeking d/s relationships with others, possibly also married, that universally reviled, or have I just been extremely :) unlucky so far? ~FR~ haven't read everyone elses yet..... I have no problem with married men as long as their SO is completely aware that they are looking to have a relationship outside the marriage. Not only aware but completely supportive of it and involved. No I don't mean sexually involved per se, but she should meeting and getting to know the person you are getting involved with because realistically anyone you are involved with essentially she is somewhat involved with them as well. If you are looking to have a "secret" relationship out side of your marriage, that i totally disagree with. Then I agree with subrob, get a divorce and be in a relationship that gives you what you need.

pinksugarsub -> RE: Married Conundrum (11/19/2007 12:38:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: breastbonder I'm married to a vanilla and feel trapped in the relationship. Basically made a wrong choice then and now am paying for it. My question is, how do subs feel when they're approached by a married man? If I'm open and honest about it I'd have thought it would not be a problem but it's not turning out that way. In many cases there seems to be instant hatred eminating from them without knowing who I am or how or why I got into the situation I find myself in. Are married men seeking d/s relationships with others, possibly also married, that universally reviled, or have I just been extremely :) unlucky so far? Why not divorce Your wife and then be free to seek any type relationship You want? Why would You stay if it's such a bad decision? i won't date married Men; i want a Dom of my own. i don't treat Anyone with revulsion or derision but i won't budge on this either. pinksugarsub

julietsierra -> RE: Married Conundrum (11/19/2007 3:55:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pinksugarsub quote: ORIGINAL: breastbonder I'm married to a vanilla and feel trapped in the relationship. Basically made a wrong choice then and now am paying for it. My question is, how do subs feel when they're approached by a married man? If I'm open and honest about it I'd have thought it would not be a problem but it's not turning out that way. In many cases there seems to be instant hatred eminating from them without knowing who I am or how or why I got into the situation I find myself in. Are married men seeking d/s relationships with others, possibly also married, that universally reviled, or have I just been extremely :) unlucky so far? Why not divorce Your wife and then be free to seek any type relationship You want? Why would You stay if it's such a bad decision? i won't date married Men; i want a Dom of my own. i don't treat Anyone with revulsion or derision but i won't budge on this either. pinksugarsub Or how about this? When you decide to cheat on your wife, you do significant damage to her, to you and to your relationship. No matter what the reason, there is always this "thing" in your head that you cheated. If you divorce your wife, you do significant damage to her and to you. And you're going to have to tell her why - unless you opt to leave her in the dark (hurting her even more) and not tell her your real reasons for wanting the divorce. If you tell her, while divorcing her, you never give her the opportunity to hear you - the real you and rise to the occasion if she's able. You lose and she loses and that's just wrong too. So, since you'd have to avoid the truth and pay a price for cheating or tell her the truth while she pays the price when you divorce, how about simply stepping up and telling her the truth now? Give her the opportunity to surprise you with her acceptance of it if she can. I know people who have been married for many many years. Their wives know what they do. Their submissives and slaves know that they are married. They don't pull punches with anyone. They've always kept their marriages together, promised and then kept their promises about making sure that their wives were never publically embarrassed or humiliated by their actions. They've paid attention to their submissives and slaves and never missed a family function where their presence would be noticed. And when they go out, they pick up their bag of toys, kiss their wives good night and go do what makes them happy. They respect their wives enough to never embarrass them or humiliate them. They keep their families together and are good parents. They make good neighbors and good community members and their slaves admire/respect/love them because they're honest and take their vows seriously. Their wives love and respect them because they have learned that they can trust in their husbands. And they can be comfortable with themselves because they've been honest all the way around and maintain the integrity that is important to them. Being that you're married, it's going to be a tough row to hoe, but it IS possible to have the best of both worlds, maintain your integrity AND earn/keep the respect of others who may be interested in you all the while while loving your wife. Most of all, it takes the courage to have the conversation and the compassion to do it correctly. Besides, if you're going to have to tell her anyway in order to divorce her, wouldn't it be better to just be upfront and deal with the consequences, whatever they may be than to not give her the opportunity to accept you the way you are? You may be absolutely right. She may go ballistic on you. Or, she may take a hard look at what you're saying and be ready to understand that just as her inability to submit may mean she's unhappy with your choices, so too do her choices to not do these things make you unhappy with her choices. Just maybe, you'll find out that you have a much stronger marriage than you think you do...and who knows? Just possibly, you will discover a marriage filled with acceptance and that the both of you can be dominant and have someone else for the both of you. All I'm saying is that there are many choices, the least of which is divorce. You might consider exploring some other options. Just in case. juliet

secretagentgirl -> RE: Married Conundrum (11/19/2007 4:21:33 PM)
Hi - I have also be reamed here on this same topic. I am open in my profile about seeking something outside an LTR (doesn't seem to affect my response rate.) I don't thhink people can understand it until they're in it... why you want to stay with someone even though you are not sexually compatible. In the scheme of life, sex ends up being a relatively small part of the equation. There is no way I was about to pass up my perfectly-compatible-except-for-sex partner. Of course now I am sexually frustrated out of my mind. There are people who are criticizing you now who will be in your shoes someday.. it is inevitible. Or they will choose a partner based on sex as the #1 priority and they will be frustrated in other areas where you are satisfied. Some lucky people will find the perfect partner who is 100% match in all areas, but more will not. Look on Craigslist. There are a TON of married guys looking to hook up. If something is that common, there is a reason for it. Don't feel like you're the only asshole out there. Research shows that something like 25% of men AND women cheat at some point in marriage. Total monogamy is not always natural. I think part of your problem is that you are looking for a women who has to meet VERY specific criteria. There may be some women who are open to a married guy, but you are looking for a needle in a haystack. And frankly, that is going to make it tougher.

Lordandmaster -> RE: Married Conundrum (11/19/2007 4:25:19 PM)
How is he placing the blame on his wife when he says that HE made the wrong decision to get married? Edited to add: I think it's pretty clear that in these "I'm married and my spouse is vanilla" threads, most people just go right into reliving their own bad experiences and instinctively pile shit on anyone who raises the subject. This and "Is there such a thing as a no-limits sub" are the two topics that elicit the most thoughtless replies. quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist He's placing the blame on his wife when it should be placed on both of them.

sexyred1 -> RE: Married Conundrum (11/19/2007 4:33:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: secretagentgirl Hi - I have also be reamed here on this same topic. I am open in my profile about seeking something outside an LTR (doesn't seem to affect my response rate.) I don't thhink people can understand it until they're in it... why you want to stay with someone even though you are not sexually compatible. In the scheme of life, sex ends up being a relatively small part of the equation. There is no way I was about to pass up my perfectly-compatible-except-for-sex partner. Of course now I am sexually frustrated out of my mind. There are people who are criticizing you now who will be in your shoes someday.. it is inevitible. Or they will choose a partner based on sex as the #1 priority and they will be frustrated in other areas where you are satisfied. Some lucky people will find the perfect partner who is 100% match in all areas, but more will not. Look on Craigslist. There are a TON of married guys looking to hook up. If something is that common, there is a reason for it. Don't feel like you're the only asshole out there. Research shows that something like 25% of men AND women cheat at some point in marriage. Total monogamy is not always natural. I think part of your problem is that you are looking for a women who has to meet VERY specific criteria. There may be some women who are open to a married guy, but you are looking for a needle in a haystack. And frankly, that is going to make it tougher. Why do you and the OP think that people are "reaming you out" for wanting something on the side? I don't give a damn what married people do. What pisses me and I think some other posters off, is the ridiculous way the OP stated his shock and awe that wow, some subs might not be ok with him cheating and how he was oh, so specific about said sub fitting into his little fantasy ideal. If he gave more information, such as his wife knows, or she does not know or he would never consider leaving the primary relationship, etc. then he gives whomever might respond to him the CHOICE AND OPTION to reply by having information. Otherwise, we all make the same assumption, another married asshole cheating. But I can assure you, I don't give a crap what other people do unless they try to involve ME and for that reason I posted so vehemently because married men write me all time time when I specifically say NO MARRIED MEN.

secretagentgirl -> RE: Married Conundrum (11/19/2007 5:29:59 PM)
quote: Why do you and the OP think that people are "reaming you out" for wanting something on the side? I don't give a damn what married people do. Totally appreciate your live and let live philosophy. I feel the same. I am basing it on posts her towards me and others in previous posts. Just a fact. I accept it.

slaveluci -> RE: Married Conundrum (11/19/2007 6:36:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster How is he placing the blame on his wife when he says that HE made the wrong decision to get married? Edited to add: I think it's pretty clear that in these "I'm married and my spouse is vanilla" threads, most people just go right into reliving their own bad experiences and instinctively pile shit on anyone who raises the subject. This and "Is there such a thing as a no-limits sub" are the two topics that elicit the most thoughtless replies Yesirree. Anytime anyone is married and does anything outside of that relationship without explicitly telling all to the spouse, it hits the fan. Funny how everyone is so judgmental and self-righteous as if no one else has ever done anything similiar. Funny how the percentage of adultery, divorce, etc. is so large yet no one who is married is ever guilty themselves of anything. And, all these married dirty-dog cheaters have to be cheating WITH someone. Where are all those folks? Hmmm, makes me wonder[image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m21.gif[/image]. Kind of like I wonder how millions of disco records were sold but no one ever admits to buying a Bee Gees album. Somebody is doing it yet it can't be rationally discussed on these forums. Too much tongue clucking and finger wagging. It's a shame.............luci

julietsierra -> RE: Married Conundrum (11/19/2007 7:46:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveluci Hmmm, makes me wonder[image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m21.gif[/image]. Kind of like I wonder how millions of disco records were sold but no one ever admits to buying a Bee Gees album. Bee Gees?!?!?!?! Sorry, but it was Donna Summer here all the way... except when it was La Chic and of course Peaches and Herb... Bee Gees.... OMG... juliet

CalifChick -> RE: Married Conundrum (11/19/2007 7:55:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: julietsierra quote: ORIGINAL: slaveluci Hmmm, makes me wonder[image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m21.gif[/image]. Kind of like I wonder how millions of disco records were sold but no one ever admits to buying a Bee Gees album. Bee Gees?!?!?!?! Sorry, but it was Donna Summer here all the way... except when it was La Chic and of course Peaches and Herb... Bee Gees.... OMG... juliet <strides to the podium.... hesitates> Hi my name is Cali and..... I went to a Bee Gees concert once. Wahhhh! <runs sobbing down the aisle and out the door> Cali

MystressDream -> RE: Married Conundrum (11/19/2007 8:15:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick quote: ORIGINAL: julietsierra quote: ORIGINAL: slaveluci Hmmm, makes me wonder[image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m21.gif[/image]. Kind of like I wonder how millions of disco records were sold but no one ever admits to buying a Bee Gees album. Bee Gees?!?!?!?! Sorry, but it was Donna Summer here all the way... except when it was La Chic and of course Peaches and Herb... Bee Gees.... OMG... juliet <strides to the podium.... hesitates> Hi my name is Cali and..... I went to a Bee Gees concert once. Wahhhh! <runs sobbing down the aisle and out the door> Cali *ROFL*

MasterofScyn -> RE: Married Conundrum (11/19/2007 8:19:12 PM)
I got to the point to where I couldn't live a lie anymore. Was with ex for 8 yrs. Was one of those I can learn to love him ... I even tried.. But that feeling was never there. Soon it felt like I was so trapped and there was no way out. Was seeing my Master for 3 of those years. Finally I just said enough was enough.... It wasn't easy by no means... Even told Master a few times I couldn't see him anymore. But oddly enough it hurt more to not see Master than it was to be with the man I was living with. There comes a time in everyones life where they need to do what is right for them. If you can live with the lies... Then well.. More power to ya.. If not... if you can't look at your spouse w/out wanting to break down from the lies... Then... It's time to go your separate ways. For me personally, I live a whole life time of lies... It's actually pretty nice to live w/out them for a change. Scyn ~

MasterofScyn -> RE: Married Conundrum (11/19/2007 8:28:32 PM)
quote: And lies get easier the more you tell them And this ..... I have no idea where you get this from.... Lies will snowball.. They get harder.. specially when your lieing to multiple people. Trying to figure out who knows what, what lie you told who.. what was the last lie you said so you can keep that story.. What world did you come from? .... Lies get easier... i'd like to know who told you that. [sm=trident.gif] Him Maybe? Scyn ~

RumpusParable -> RE: Married Conundrum (11/19/2007 8:42:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: breastbonder My question is, how do subs feel when they're approached by a married man? If I'm open and honest about it I'd have thought it would not be a problem but it's not turning out that way Something you've not yet clarified, and will hugely effect just about everyone's answers to the above question is what you mean by that statement which follows it. Are you a married man who is actually being open and honest in this situation? Or are you a married man being direct in wanting someone else to be your partner in dishonesty?

cloudboy -> RE: Married Conundrum (11/19/2007 9:49:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster I think it's pretty clear that in these "I'm married and my spouse is vanilla" threads, most people just go right into reliving their own bad experiences and instinctively pile shit on anyone who raises the subject. This and "Is there such a thing as a no-limits sub" are the two topics that elicit the most thoughtless replies. Vitriol against marital wanderlust stirs more passionate condemnation than war-crimes. Thread responses tend to be predictable and snap judgmental. Many people outside of marriage or having been unable to sustain a LT marriage view its problems like a simple, straightforward algebra equation.

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