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julietsierra -> RE: Married Conundrum (11/23/2007 3:30:45 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Blaakmaan
There's--I don't know how else to characterize it--an arrogance about this community (at least insofar as the community is reflected in the posts on this website) that apparently believes that this community lives by some superior code of honor, truthfulness and respect for others.
I think that's an illusion. Or is it a delusion?
There are lots of posts on this very site about the deception that goes on everyday in the BDSM community!
People in the BDSM community are not inferior to, or superior to, anybody else, anywhere else. Different from, yes. Superior to, no.
Not intellectually, financially, or morally superior. Not superior in any way.
If you believe that because you can honestly state your kinks and your preferences and what you're looking for on a CM post, and live out your various fantasies and your darker desires instead of running from them (like most people do), that means you're living "truth" while others are "living a lie," I couldn't disagree more.
People in this community live lives full of lies, just like everybody else on this planet.
If the original poster is "living a lie," he's in no way different than pretty much everybody alive.
You're right Blaakmann. People do lie. People on this very site do lie. But when you say this, I keep coming back to what I'd be willing to bet most of us have heard at one point or another in our lives: "Just because everyone is doing it, does that mean you should too?"
My question isn't "is it ok if everyone is doing it?" My question is "WHY?"
You see, to me, at a very base level, I believe that married people should be, at the very least, respectful of each other. We're not talking here of buying an expensive dress and fudging a little on what we tell our spouses the price really was. We're not talking about telling wives their asses don't look fat in the dress they're wearing. We're talking about the very foundations of intimacy between husbands and wives, and to me, that's something you don't mess around with.
Here's the thing... when one spouse lies to the other about cheating, they are clearly sending the message that they don't respect their spouses. Each person out there - you, me, everyone - deserves the right to be able to decide on the risks they wish to take when it comes to their health. When a husband or wife cheats on the other, they take that right away from their spouse. It doesn't matter how careful you or I might be. We simply do NOT have the right to make those decisions for our spouses. THEY deserve the right to be fully informed regarding things that may directly impact their health. When a person lies about this, they are saying, even if they don't realize it, that the most significant person in their lives doesn't have that right. They are saying that their sexual needs are more important than their spouse's right to make his or her own decisions regarding his or her own body. And to me, that's the ultimate in disrespect.
Now, if the husband or wife is fully informed and is saying that they are fine with the activities of their spouse, then that's quite another thing. But simply saying "hey, everyone's doing it, so breastbonder can do it too and people shouldn't be so judgmental" is not really anything more than providing a weak excuse for behavior that is less than upstanding.
And I do recognize that there are many people who have their own reasons for doing this, but honestly, while the reasons may sound valid, it just doesn't make any sense to me. Why wouldn't a husband or wife respect his or her spouse more than that?
The logic to me is pretty simple:
If cheating and lying most likely leads to divorce and having the hard conversations up front might not, and if both people in the marriage don't want divorce, then even if it's scary, doesn't it seem to be the better way to just get it out in the open?
Everyone may be lying out there, but wouldn't it feel better if you could have the life you want without the lies?
I, for one, am very impressed with the men and women who have the tough conversations and arrive at mutually agreed upon ways of doing things so that each person gets what they want while maintaining the marriage they've both entered into.
juliet
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