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Prinsexx -> My final submission? (11/26/2007 12:32:03 PM)
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Was this my final submission?
I am asking both a rhetorical question and a direct question here and simply wondering if anyone else has been here, where I feel I am at the moment.
Basically; I submitted.....in a relaionship that almost did become public property on here. I carried out instructions, I took the crop/cane/pain and satisfied his sadistic tendencies and my own masochism
I fell into subpace with him simply from a face smack....and in my way of putting it....submitted from my heart. I was happy doing it and believed totally in the dynamic. It was, has as beeen described on here, a semi-open relationship....which was that I agreed to tell him of relationshups I was involved in but agreed I supported him as the dominant to have others in relationship.
However: he used, played jealousy games, played each one of us each against the other and finally told me that he preferred to swing. The worse shock was that he would only swing with those she wanted and found attractive and was quite content therefore to be submitted to her. That was the ibiggest shock.
I have salvaged the situation. I have stated my withdrawal, triangulated hm by asking a member of his family he had introduced me to, by asking tem he not contact me again. I have not outed him or said why.I have been deleting his text messages as unread.
Over the weekend I admitted to feeling so depressed as to feel suicidal....something I was very very clear I would not do...but just so feeling that I couldn't go on in the lifestyle anymore. Since I have a business and youngsers whom rely on me I would never do it but the sheerdread of what and how to move forward was overwhelming.
i have dealt with this by having my telephone line changed at home and my internet put on hold. I am typing this at a friends and will check for any responses here in a couple of days time as I feel there on many whom I respect here who will identify and offer support.
It might be my final act of submission. As a switch, whom is usually only domme with women, I have called a friend....a vanilla friend whom I have known for over four years via the internet but have never met.
He asked me a simple question: what do you want of me? And in that moment i realised that he had put me in the dominant postion and it was an absolute thrill.....similar to the thrill I would normally feel if a woman had asked. He gave me the power and pulled my soul back together.
When he and I first met on a vanilla dating site four years ago our emails when searching each other out crossed at the exact moment in time. He is a friend and in the same people business that I am....however I need to make the switch. Not out of feelings of revenge. Not out of reaction. But out of a sense of responsibility, out of a sense of wanting something, and as yet I don't know what that is from this potential new relationship.
It feels like my final switch or quit the lifestyle.
Does anyone recognise this pattern?
I suppose the question relates to those who are switches, but not necessarily.
Who made the final switch and why?
Heart felt searching again as ever:
Prinsexx.
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