quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
I think subs might be better off in early communication to actually force themselves to be absolutely vanilla -- DO NOT MENTION KINK. At all. Period. Don't ask about it, don't offer up anything about your fantasies, experiences, toy preferences -- UNTIL asked. This also includes having no honorifics unless asked, and not writing in any submissive, passive, or "roleplay" way. From a "respect" standpoint, talk to her like you would a business associate. Do not talk to her as a submissive and her a dominant.

quote:

I think femdoms, for the most part, are pursuers. Someone here recently mentioned that really, isn't it more appropriate for the femdom to do the "first approach" -- well, kinda. But more importantly, I think femdoms generally enjoy the role of "interrogator" (not to use such a hard term, nor to use it in ANY kind of fetish sense).

quote:

ORIGINAL: caitlyn

I think AAkasha's post is one of the better ones I've read on here, and is good advice for anyone really.

The people that are the most interesting, are the ones that want to share hobbies and interests, music tastes, stories about life experience (outside BDSM), what they do for a living, what they study, what books the read ... etc ... the sort of things you might talk about on a first date.

I have never had a guy ask me out by asking my favorite sexual position. Why should this lifestyle be any different?

Also, the site is called COLLARME ... asking someone's interests is just sort of silly. If they have them listed, they have them listed. If they don't have them listed, they either don't know, or their "interests" depends on who they "interested" in.

If they don't know, it's probably hard to talk about and you are turning them off by continually asking. If they are dependent on the interest in another person, they can't answer that question until they get to know the other person well.

quote:

ORIGINAL: caitlyn

I think AAkasha's post is one of the better ones I've read on here, and is good advice for anyone really.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

... But at the very least, I think that sub males could do dramatically better, overall, if they forced themselves to try some form of vanilla-only courtship and let the femdom sort of introduce the kink aspects and let that set the tone.

onceburned brings up another really important point -- about letting part of it remain a mystery, keeping it playful. There may be exceptions, but I think women that were basially "wired" to be femdoms enjoy a sense of hunt and chase, and don't want it all just kind of handed over on a plate sight unseen. This doesn't mean a sub should be illusive, it means he should be mysterious. Again, so much of this is just the same in vanilla courting.

You know, when you go out with a vanilla woman, she knows you probably have thought about taking her to bed, or having sex. You've probably pictured her naked. It's no shock to her. But that doesn't mean it's open season on sex talk right out of the gate. Often in bdsm situations it's not only like the guy is firing off the inappropriate questions out of the gate, it's apparent he's wanking off to the answers. That's why femdoms get an early vibe of "eww, he's just looking for domination/sex."

Akasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

... But at the very least, I think that sub males could do dramatically better, overall, if they forced themselves to try some form of vanilla-only courtship and let the femdom sort of introduce the kink aspects and let that set the tone.

onceburned brings up another really important point -- about letting part of it remain a mystery, keeping it playful. There may be exceptions, but I think women that were basially "wired" to be femdoms enjoy a sense of hunt and chase, and don't want it all just kind of handed over on a plate sight unseen. This doesn't mean a sub should be illusive, it means he should be mysterious. Again, so much of this is just the same in vanilla courting.

You know, when you go out with a vanilla woman, she knows you probably have thought about taking her to bed, or having sex. You've probably pictured her naked. It's no shock to her. But that doesn't mean it's open season on sex talk right out of the gate. Often in bdsm situations it's not only like the guy is firing off the inappropriate questions out of the gate, it's apparent he's wanking off to the answers. That's why femdoms get an early vibe of "eww, he's just looking for domination/sex."

Akasha

I appreciate your ideas Akasha, and I only wish it were true of even a small fraction of the dominant women I have found on this site and others like it. From what I have seen, the opposite is usually true - the sub is often very interested in doing as you say, but the femdom almost always rejects any such attempts, insisting instead on subs who actually do hand everything over to them on a plate, sight unseen.

I wish there were more women wired your way, who enjoy the hunt and chase, as you put it, but you appear to be an exception.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

You know, when you go out with a vanilla woman, she knows you probably have thought about taking her to bed, or having sex. You've probably pictured her naked. It's no shock to her. But that doesn't mean it's open season on sex talk right out of the gate. Often in bdsm situations it's not only like the guy is firing off the inappropriate questions out of the gate, it's apparent he's wanking off to the answers. That's why femdoms get an early vibe of "eww, he's just looking for domination/sex."

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Hmm..I think the jury is still out, let's see what other femdoms say on this thread. I think the ones that expect you to hand it all over on a plate are perhaps asking for the cash on a plate? What is it that they are asking for up front?

Akasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Hmm..I think the jury is still out, let's see what other femdoms say on this thread. I think the ones that expect you to hand it all over on a plate are perhaps asking for the cash on a plate? What is it that they are asking for up front?

Akasha

Oh, you know ... Immediate submission to all of their demands, etc. They say things like they will only accept "true submissives" with no will of their own, who exist only to serve them. They expect this before the sub has a chance to meet them, or even get to know them through correspondence; basically haven given the sub no reason to want to submit to them unless he's desperate and will give it up to just about ANYONE. And of course, there are many who are looking for money in one form or another, but that's another story.

quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

I appreciate your ideas Akasha, and I only wish it were true of even a small fraction of the dominant women I have found on this site and others like it. From what I have seen, the opposite is usually true - the sub is often very interested in doing as you say, but the femdom almost always rejects any such attempts, insisting instead on subs who actually do hand everything over to them on a plate, sight unseen.

I wish there were more women wired your way, who enjoy the hunt and chase, as you put it, but you appear to be an exception.

quote:

quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

I appreciate your ideas Akasha, and I only wish it were true of even a small fraction of the dominant women I have found on this site and others like it. From what I have seen, the opposite is usually true - the sub is often very interested in doing as you say, but the femdom almost always rejects any such attempts, insisting instead on subs who actually do hand everything over to them on a plate, sight unseen.

I wish there were more women wired your way, who enjoy the hunt and chase, as you put it, but you appear to be an exception.


She may be an exception, but she is FAR from the only one.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha


A femdom that demands immediate submission is probably not even a woman, but is a man looking for the fastest route to some free porn. Or, she is a pro, and knows that launching INTO femdom mode, "kneel now!" will get a ton of guys falling at her feet. Just ignore them. I mean, do you want to submit to a woman that demands instant submission and doesn't even care who the person is on the other end?

Akasha

quote:

I appreciate your ideas Akasha, and I only wish it were true of even a small fraction of the dominant women I have found on this site and others like it. From what I have seen, the opposite is usually true - the sub is often very interested in doing as you say, but the femdom almost always rejects any such attempts, insisting instead on subs who actually do hand everything over to them on a plate, sight unseen.

quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub
Oh, you know ... Immediate submission to all of their demands, etc. They say things like they will only accept "true submissives" with no will of their own, who exist only to serve them. They expect this before the sub has a chance to meet them, or even get to know them through correspondence; basically haven given the sub no reason to want to submit to them unless he's desperate and will give it up to just about ANYONE. And of course, there are many who are looking for money in one form or another, but that's another story.

quote:

hardbodysub
When a domme is searching for a "TRUE submissive", it usually means the domme hasn't the faintest clue about how to entice, seduce, or otherwise coerce a submissively-inclined person into submitting to THEM. These dommes need a sub who isn't very selective, who is spineless enough to submit to just about ANYONE. Extremely unattractive and excessively obese dommes often fit this mold. They don't have what it takes to seduce or coerce a man, so they need someone who doesn't care who the domme is.

So nice to know you come with an open mind, and no preconceived notions of most other people, and their motives. M

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
I'm not sure if this is primarily a femdom/male sub dynamic. It seems subs have a problem with femdoms losing interest quickly, or just dropping them after a few emails. A lot of it is just the nature of the Internet and people in general, but I also do think subs do very little in the way of appealing to a femdom's desire to pursue.

This might not apply to all femdoms -- I'm kind of going with my gut, so other femdoms can clarify by adding their own experiences and expectations. But in the most basic sense, I think subs might be better off in early communication to actually force themselves to be absolutely vanilla -- DO NOT MENTION KINK. At all. Period. Don't ask about it, don't offer up anything about your fantasies, experiences, toy preferences -- UNTIL asked. This also includes having no honorifics unless asked, and not writing in any submissive, passive, or "roleplay" way. From a "respect" standpoint, talk to her like you would a business associate. Do not talk to her as a submissive and her a dominant.
Akasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub
Oh, you know ... Immediate submission to all of their demands, etc. They say things like they will only accept "true submissives" with no will of their own, who exist only to serve them. They expect this before the sub has a chance to meet them, or even get to know them through correspondence; basically haven given the sub no reason to want to submit to them unless he's desperate and will give it up to just about ANYONE. And of course, there are many who are looking for money in one form or another, but that's another story.

You know Harbodysub, it's so nice to have a person around who knows everything and knows what "true"/Real means for everybody. Charming way to express yourself by the way, especially in your determination of what it means to be real on another thread.

quote:

hardbodysub
When a domme is searching for a "TRUE submissive", it usually means the domme hasn't the faintest clue about how to entice, seduce, or otherwise coerce a submissively-inclined person into submitting to THEM. These dommes need a sub who isn't very selective, who is spineless enough to submit to just about ANYONE. Extremely unattractive and excessively obese dommes often fit this mold. They don't have what it takes to seduce or coerce a man, so they need someone who doesn't care who the domme is.

So nice to know you come with an open mind, and no preconceived notions of most other people, and their motives. M