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Like Mother, Like Daughter? - 12/15/2007 6:08:57 AM   
MistressFaye1


Posts: 276
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline 		Greetings A/all,

My daughters, ages 29,25, and soon to be 21 all now know of My lifestyle.  It happened by accident with the oldest one when she glanced at what a submissive had written while we were online.  She asked about what he said as I was writing a response.  I told her what the situation was and then explained the lifestyle to her.  To my shock, she looked at me with a serious expression on her face and said, "I wouldn't expect less" and then she said, "I knew there was "something" about you Mom when it comes to men, now I understand."

My middle daughter is a free spirit, accepts people for who they are, and is generally a nonjudgmental "whatever floats your boat" kind of person.  She is the one that saw the "I'm going to block you" commercial with Mistress Mandy and said she thought of me.  She is the one that told vanilla men, they'd better man up and be strong if they expected to have a relationship with me.  This was before my true confession session when the subject came up with her.  Now she understands why Mom doesn't put up with BS when it comes to men, vanilla or submissive.

It is my youngest daughter that I need some input and advice about.  She also knows about me.  Let me point out here they were never exposed to the lifestyle or any of my activities.  In fact, I left it (another story) as they were growing up.  They didn't have men in and out of their lives and it was my daughters that questioned why I didn't date (this was years ago). 

Last night she came to my apartment and called when she was on the road, darn near to the apartment.  I was in the midst of "interacting" with my slave, thank goodness I was just getting started.  When she got here, I introduced them (I warned her I had someone here and let her assume what she wanted to).  She knew right away that it was my slave because of the tattoos, as he's a tattoo artist and has several tatts on his arms.  My middle daughter and I have been tattooed by him and she wanted her's too so she knew "of" him.

She wasn't phased by the meeting at all.  When she was getting ready to go out with friends she realized she left her keys in my bedroom and asked me to bring them to her.  By then my slave was chained in the bedroom.

When I brought her the keys, I tested the waters and said, "randy can't say his goodbyes because he's chained, blindfolded, and waiting."  She simply said, "I figured as much."  Total, dead calm acceptance.  Then she said, "Mom can you teach me the art?" 

Since my girls now know about me... they tend to joke around and so do I.  When I told her my slave was chained I was being truthful but I said it in a joking manner. I asked her if she was serious because she looked and acted serious.  We locked eyes and in her eyes, I saw that she was.

I've raised my Ladies to come to me when they wanted answers about anything and they have.  I've been very open with them about sex, drugs, and this game called Life.  We probably talk about things most mothers and daughters don't.  They are respectful and though we have an open relationship they never forget I'm
THEE MOM.

All I could say to her, as my shocked mind processed what she said, was, "wait until you're 21 (she will be in February) and we'll talk about it."

My question is this---should I educate my daughter, do I train her to become a Mistress?  If not me, then how would she learn in the safety of controlled situations?   Since they have all come to me for advice, is this an area I need to draw the line?  But if I do and she is out there exploring on her own and something happens to her, I would never forgive myself.

Before anyone asks:  I feel it's the right thing to do (slowly) but I don't know if I'd feel comfortable when the speculations my daughters have became her realities.
She's already "Domme" if you get my drift.  She is personality-wise more like me and I see myself in her at times.

I would appreciate all comments.

Thanks,

Ms. Faye
Edited to take out a double word

< Message edited by MistressFaye1 -- 12/15/2007 6:35:09 AM >

_____________________________

You can put away your masquerade
You won't ever have to be afraid of Me
Open up your eyes and see what is in store
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RE: Like Mother, Like Daughter? - 12/15/2007 6:24:12 AM   
Rumtiger


Posts: 2634
Joined: 3/4/2006
From: Vegas
Status: offline 		If not you, then who?

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If they cant take a joke, fuck em.
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RE: Like Mother, Like Daughter? - 12/15/2007 6:26:17 AM   
MistressFaye1


Posts: 276
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline 		My thoughts exactly Rumtiger.  Thanks! 

_____________________________

You can put away your masquerade
You won't ever have to be afraid of Me
Open up your eyes and see what is in store
I must the One that you are searching for.

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RE: Like Mother, Like Daughter? - 12/15/2007 6:33:33 AM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		In however small or not the BDSM community is in Austin, I have come across multiple (5-10) instances of a parent and their adult child attending a BDSM event. Our group is 18 and older and there have been those under the 21 mark.

I believe there is a nature and nurture component to an interest in BDSM. I think genetics create a likelihood to have an interest in BDSM, and early experiences determine whether this likelihood becomes more.

I think it is a good idea to educate your daughter. In ways it is similar to advice a mother might give her daughter about vanilla dating or vanilla sex. I think the more important question is what your relationship is like when it comes to matters of sex, and how comfortable each of you is to discuss these matters with each other. If you feel awkward, you can keep your discussions to general details (importance of safety, insights about courtship, etc) or areas that are more comfortable for you, supplemented by pointers to resources, or introductions to others whom you would trust as mentors. Introductions to subs you trust from the local community is also another idea.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 12/15/2007 7:16:22 AM >

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RE: Like Mother, Like Daughter? - 12/15/2007 6:41:45 AM   
MistressFaye1


Posts: 276
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline 		Sea,

Thank you very much for your response.  I appreciate another angle for me to look at that I hadn't considered.  We talk openly about sex. My middle daughter was the one that educated me about the certain aspects of her lifestyle (bi).  I was able to ask her questions I didn't feel comfortable asking others.

Again... I appreciate your thoughts.

Ms.  Faye

_____________________________

You can put away your masquerade
You won't ever have to be afraid of Me
Open up your eyes and see what is in store
I must the One that you are searching for.

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RE: Like Mother, Like Daughter? - 12/15/2007 6:42:23 AM   
eevin


Posts: 64
Joined: 11/29/2007
Status: offline 		i, like You, Mistress Faye, worry She might find it with the wrong P/person on Her own.  And since She came to You, i think it might actually hurt (or at the least bother) Her if You turned her away after She was brave enough to come to You.

On the opposite hand, there is the fact She is Your daughter, and the more moral questions revolved around that relationship.  Is it right to interact, even in just a teaching position, with a relative?  Particularly one this close?  That, i think, is the real question involved here, more than weather You will train Her or not.  But i think that, no matter what advice You are given, it is this question You must answer for Yourself before You will know weather fulfilling Her wishes is what You will do.

But if You truely want my openion, i think She's already shown She trusts You enough to want You, specifically, to teach Her.  She could have gone on line and found a site like this, or any number of others, and found someOne else to help Her.  Or She could have blundered through suggestions and advice on sites, and found Herself or the one she chooses hurt in any number of ways.  But She didn't.  She came to You because You are the most important P/person in Her life.  You raised Her well, and She knows You will not hurt Her or let Her down.  It is, to be, a way of Her honoring and showing that trust in You.

But waiting until She is 21 is a good idea.  Then take it slow.  Spend a lot of time just talking.  Findout what She wants to learn from you, what She is expecting, and where She may plan to take this in Her life afterwards.  Trust and understanding have to continue to be the bases of wherever Your relationship goes from here.

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RE: Like Mother, Like Daughter? - 12/15/2007 6:48:36 AM   
DianeB269


Posts: 1596
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline 		I've never met them but, I hear there is a mother and daughter that work together as Pro Dommes in Pacifica Ca.


Diane 

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RE: Like Mother, Like Daughter? - 12/15/2007 6:52:41 AM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL:
waiting until She is 21


Unless there are relevant legal issues where you live, or you have a personal boundary about the 21 mark, I don't think waiting until 21 is important. Her maturity level is not going to change much in the next two months. If these two issues are not applicable, I expect the suggestion to wait until 21 may have come from the surprise from the question, and a need for time to reflect upon the question. I think it is not that when she turns 21 that matters as much as when you are ready to begin.

Cheers,

Sea

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RE: Like Mother, Like Daughter? - 12/15/2007 7:20:49 AM   
kevinbd9


Posts: 28
Joined: 5/16/2007
Status: offline 		The more dominant women out there the better

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RE: Like Mother, Like Daughter? - 12/15/2007 7:33:52 AM   
eevin


Posts: 64
Joined: 11/29/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

quote:

ORIGINAL:
waiting until She is 21


Unless there are relevant legal issues where you live, or you have a personal boundary about the 21 mark, I don't think waiting until 21 is important. Her maturity level is not going to change much in the next two months. If these two issues are not applicable, I expect the suggestion to wait until 21 may have come from the surprise from the question, and a need for time to reflect upon the question. I think it is not that when she turns 21 that matters as much as when you are ready to begin.

Cheers,

Sea


i merely suggested the waiting for a couple of reasons.  One, this is the holiday season, and there's likly more than enough going on for Them to want to wait.  Secondly, the Mistress already told Her daughter They would talk when She turned 21 in Feburary.  Thirdly, it will give both Mother and Daughter time to reflect and prepare more fully.

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Plants are simply slow animals.

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RE: Like Mother, Like Daughter? - 12/15/2007 7:43:09 AM   
Reigna


Posts: 334
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		From the sound of it, my parenting style has been similar to yours, MistressFaye. And I have two daughters who look like they're wired pretty much like I am. As yet, neither has come to me for advice or training. I'd be inclined to give advice freely, but part of my advice would be to find someone else (and how to find that someone else) to do any training. For me and my partners, BDSM is highly sexually charged. I'd be very uncomfortable in the same room with my offspring and that level of sexual energy.

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RE: Like Mother, Like Daughter? - 12/15/2007 7:50:38 AM   
ShaktiSama


Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline 		I think waiting until she is twenty-one is an excellent idea.  The time is not far off, it gives you some time to get used to the idea, and it was a reasonable boundary to set.  Setting reasonable boundaries for herself and others is one of the first things a dominant has to learn to do, so--good to lead by example.  Besides, it takes time to think of all the things you would tell another young woman who came to you for advice and WASN'T your own daughter!    And age 21 marks the passage into full adulthood and high-risk behavior in our society in other important ways.

So far as "teaching the art" goes...I'll admit I have a strong personal taboo against parents having sex or engaging in this sort of play with or around their own offspring.  In your position, I would hand out a lot of good books, answer questions freely and pay for classes if she wanted them, and introduce the kid to the local community via relatively safe events like munches or parties.  But if actual step-by-step instructions and coaching in physical acts was needed, I would have to look around for a suitable surrogate.  Basically I'd need another dominant, if possible someone a bit closer to her own age, that I could trust to teach proper safety and technique, preferably in a private home or a safety-controlled public dungeon setting, with the use of a submissive volunteer who knew that he would be used as a classroom aid.   

Fortunately I tend to have good supportive relationships with other dommes--often my closest female friends are in the dominant role in their relationships--so finding a person like this would never be hard for me.  I might even be able to find several women who specialized in some of the scene types that interested her.  And I would not be above paying a pro domme to teach her something in particular!  If the girl had a penchant for some fetish that none of my friends or I knew much about--why not go to an expert?

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RE: Like Mother, Like Daughter? - 12/15/2007 8:05:23 AM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline 		Just as with sex, I think it's good for you to educate your daughter in BDSM and PE.  If/when she is interested in things that either of you aren't comfortable working on together or talking about, you can then point her in the direction of more information and knowledgeable people on the subject.

I can't see why not to.  You two sound like you have a good relationship and there's really only a small amount of things in this lifestyle that would even warrant some people raising an eyebrow about a mom teaching her daughter... a lot of this stuff is just having odd hobbies, really...  and for most of those things, as said, you two can still go over it together and find other info and people to help if it feels uncomfortable to deal with with mom/daughter.

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I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

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RE: Like Mother, Like Daughter? - 12/15/2007 8:42:02 AM   
MistressFaye1


Posts: 276
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline 		Thus far I have really enjoyed the posts.  There are some things that I would feel uncomfortable with and that is the sexually charged scenes.  I have gained more insight from the posts and I applaud all that have written so far and gave their ideas and opinions.  In each response, I've taken what was said to heart.  I knew by coming here we'd generate excellent conversation.

eevin:  I really loved the way you pointed out how she came to Me rather than go elsewhere.  I didn't consider that initially.  I guess because it came as such a surprise to Me when she said it.  Reflection is a good thing and I've given her some things to think about this morning.

Sea:  You're correct in saying it was a shock and that is why I said 21.  lol...  There aren't any legal reasons.  I did take a few minutes to check her understanding of BDSM.  She apparently has been reading.

kevin:  So true...so true!

Regina:  Honestly, when she said that last night, that  (sexually charged scenes) was the first thing that flashed into my mind.  I know that will be an area that I will allow another to teach.  Other aspects will be handled by me.  Thanks for your reply. 

Shakti:  Thank you for your input.  I so know that I would not engage in sexual activities with her present.  That, I think was my biggest "I wonder if I could" and my initial thoughts of, "no way in hell".  I had to get past the "sexual" that is a big part of play with special submissives and look at what she can learn from me overall.  Great idea to hire a Pro-Domme for those "special talents"! 

Rumpus:  Great and well appreciated points.  I just wish I lived in an area that had a tight knit community.  I am the one that trains (Basic Training) vanilla women that feel they are Domme, here and in the Augusta area.  Interesting that one will be my daughter.  In a way it's exciting and this, like others have said--- if not me then who?

Thanks all!

Faye







_____________________________

You can put away your masquerade
You won't ever have to be afraid of Me
Open up your eyes and see what is in store
I must the One that you are searching for.

(in reply to RumpusParable)
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RE: Like Mother, Like Daughter? - 12/15/2007 8:50:35 AM   
beltainefaerie


Posts: 610
Joined: 4/15/2006
Status: offline 		How great that you have such an open relationship with your daughters.  I have a similar relationship with mom about sex and if she hadn't said disapproving things about BDSM at a couple of moments, I'm sure she'd know about that aspect of my life as well.  I say, go for it.  I think it is great that she asked you, rather than some stranger.  Perhaps in the time between now and February, you could find out what she is interested in particularly to begin thinking about how you would approach teaching her.

I am currently expecting my first and I hope someday I have just as open a relationship with my children.

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RE: Like Mother, Like Daughter? - 12/15/2007 9:38:59 AM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline 		Oh, and hey, since you at times get to or interact with those in Augusta perhaps you'd like to visit a local scene get-together or maybe just have coffee sometime?  It's always great to meet someone new who may become a friend!

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

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RE: Like Mother, Like Daughter? - 12/15/2007 10:33:29 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		Were I in your given situation, I think I'd be comfortable talking about things and recommending books, videos, or bringing her to a munch or such thing.

I wouldn't be comfortable teaching any directly sexual techniques but basics in bondage and things like that, sure, cause I can see them as similar skills such as sewing, cooking, driving, etc.

That's sort of how I handled things when two of my nieces turned to me for vanilla sex information. Plus I asked them to think really hard about what they'd do if they became pregnant and were dumped by the father or ended up with an STD. I told them that if they weren't ready to deal with those things on their own, they might want to rethink traditional intercourse. But that's my overly cautious me talking.

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Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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RE: Like Mother, Like Daughter? - 12/15/2007 12:42:24 PM   
MystressDream


Posts: 345
Joined: 7/11/2004
From: Colorado
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

Were I in your given situation, I think I'd be comfortable talking about things and recommending books, videos, or bringing her to a munch or such thing.

I wouldn't be comfortable teaching any directly sexual techniques but basics in bondage and things like that, sure, cause I can see them as similar skills such as sewing, cooking, driving, etc.

That's sort of how I handled things when two of my nieces turned to me for vanilla sex information. Plus I asked them to think really hard about what they'd do if they became pregnant and were dumped by the father or ended up with an STD. I told them that if they weren't ready to deal with those things on their own, they might want to rethink traditional intercourse. But that's my overly cautious me talking.


I'm piggybacking on this post to agree with the first sentence.  There is so much you can teach her without getting into the sexual aspects of the activities.  In fact, I believe it would be best for her just starting out to concentrate more on the techniques such as flogging, bondage, etc., and let her develop relationships with subs that may lead her into the sexual side of this.
 
In my community there is a Dom who does a great deal of training for new Doms.  I also have trained Doms coming into the scene.  The opportunity came when this Dom's son approached wanting to be trained.  The training began with reading and a great deal of work on the lifestyle in general... but, when it came to the more sexual activities, I was asked to handle that part for them.  I have also called on this person to assist me in training at times.  It works very well.
 
I wish you all the best of luck in this.  <smile>  It is wonderful to see a mother and daughter who are so close and open with each other.
 
My three grown sons know about my lifestyle choice also, however, none of them have expressed an interest.  If any do, I will handle it just as you have chosen to.  I would rather train them myself in all the basics, then have them go seek out a stranger to learn from.
 


_____________________________

Knowledge and experience are wonderful things to share. When we stop asking questions, we might as well "hang it up".

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RE: Like Mother, Like Daughter? - 12/15/2007 1:33:37 PM   
Boondoggle


Posts: 123
Joined: 5/16/2005
Status: offline 		I think that the best resource, by far, is a strong local community, especially if there are groups for people closer to her age. TNG (The Next Generation) groups, aimed at those ages 18-35, are fairly popular, but certainly not everywhere. It looks like there is one in Atlanta: http://www.whippersnappers.ws/

If she's been reading, I would definitely encourage that by finding good quality books or websites that you like and providing her with those. I think it would also be very germane to talk to her and especially emphasize safety and consent. Safe-calls and asking for references can seem like common sense to those familiar with them, but I've talked to plenty of people for whom those ideas had never occurred and were grateful to have learned.

A long discussion of her knowledge and ideas about the subject would be another thing I think you would both find valuable. Find out what she knows, what she thinks she knows, what she doesn't know, what she wants to know, what she doesn't want to know, etc. I would encourage you to have her ask you any questions, no matter how frank and direct, that she has and tell her that you'll answer as much as you can, but there are some things you won't be comfortable discussing. Having her meet with a ProDomme would be good for some teaching of more practical applications, but don't make that her only exposure to kink. The ProDomme clientèle are certainly not indicative of the vast majority of those into kink.

Take her to a big convention in Atlanta, or somewhere else near by. Heck, take your other daughters if they're interested. I really do think the best resources are, by far, other, real, meatlife people.

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RE: Like Mother, Like Daughter? - 12/15/2007 2:58:19 PM   
cbtok


Posts: 70
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline 		Firstly, I'm going to offer a few observations:

Your daughters appear to be well-adjusted. This is a credit to you and most probably to no one else. You have raised three human beings who are beginning to know success in their lives, don't go running to "mommy" every time something goes wrong, don't require that you bail them out of (well, fill in the blank here, everything from gambling debts through unwanted pregnancy and jail) bad situations. In short, they're great women because of you.

Your daughters are adults. Possibly with a short waiting period until February in the case of your youngest. Anything they do will fall on them. You will not have to pay for them, nobody will sue you on their behalf, according to the laws of Georgia as well as the federal laws we all live under, they are on their own recognizance. And I believe their upbringing has made them aware of this.

You have taught them well and they respect you. They're not acting like 14-year-olds who think their parent is the dumbest person on the face of the planet and, perhaps the entire universe and that their friends (all the same age or younger) know much more than you do. They're also not busily reacting to the perceived slights they "received at your hands" when they were 14 and you were "the dumbest person on earth." A sign of this respect usually has to wait for the first child when they suddenly realize: Oh My Ghod! I don't know what I'm doing! But there is hope: I'm pretty well-adjusted and my mother did this. I think I'll call her… In your case, with your youngest and in this particular case, she had another request and the "how do I raise a child to be as well-adjusted as me" will wait for a while.

To this, I say, well done. Very well done.

Here's what you don't have to do:

No parent invites a child into their bedroom to tell them about sex. You can assume your youngest does know about sex (as least for her) and you can leave that part of the equation out.

You attract men of your own accord. You are not required to get her willing submissive men. While you may demonstrate certain techniques on the victim of your choice, it is recommended that you do so just like one would do a demonstration at a Black Rose event or any other public BDSM event. I have never seen a demonstrator allow all and sundry to use their own "practice dummy" as their first experience at "target practice." If you have a submissive who is willing to help you show her what you do and what you are good at, that's fine, but you don't have to procure anyone for her.

Here's what is a good idea:

Take her to BDSM community events and enroll with her in certain technical classes. Better, teach a few and get her "comped" admission. This will set her up to communicate with others who are interested in certain techniques in which you have a shared interest. This takes things out of your bedroom in a very nice way and gives her the benefit of your (considerable and oft-trusted) experience.

Take a look at the various events in and outside of your area. Encourage her to attend as you do. If she's in need of a bit of financial help there, you have a great opportunity to buy her a holiday or birthday gift of admission and/or a hotel room (not yours). Then go together and be thick as thieves, enjoying one another's company and giving her an overview of kinks that you may not prefer or practice as well as those you do.

I do hope this helps.

_____________________________

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

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