RE: Online BDSM..help or hinderance?

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RE: Online BDSM..help or hinderance? - 8/24/2005 4:36:16 PM

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Joined: 8/23/2005
From: Texas
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The internet has opened many doors to people, and the information gathered there is always good. knowledge itself is never bad and this vs meeting people 30 years ago, where you were limited and sometimes had to start from scratch with very little information, this new information age is a fantastic medium.

That being said, people are people, and yes there are plenty out there that will use the internet for their own personal gain. Many others see the internet as the great escape from reality, and delve in. While others will use this for that "secret" escape away from husband/wife and the life they lead.

I don't see the internet at all as a hinderance, as it connects people who may never have had a chance to meet otherwise. Again, it is what people do with the information of one another that may not be the best, but the core "idea" is wonderful.

Should the life stay on the internet only ?... no. You only end up hurting one another or more, leaving it there. Ultimately meeting in person, is the goal. The medium used to get to that point is good if both or more use it wisely, honestly and openly.

D

(in reply to subcheryl)

RE: Online BDSM..help or hinderance? - 8/24/2005 7:33:44 PM

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From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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Like most things in life, the HET has its good and bad points. I can see the pleasure (having experienced it in Gor RP) of the on line role-play as long as it is just a means of entertainment and pleasure and as long as you do regular reality checks. ANY and ALL advise I collect from the NET regarding relationships and BDSM practices, I run it through my own experience filter and then, if necessary, past a couple with vastly more experience than I have in real life BDSM As a means of meeting and interacting with people I find it great and I still can be as selective as I am in life as to who I chose to mix and associate with. The biggest down side I find is the gossip which does happen and when some one can be discredited via the NET in their local community for nothing more than spite. On a personal point I am comfy and happy enough with myself, to be able to happily isolate myself from all outside influences and even walk away from all life style contact if I need to. Yet I do find the forums such as these are rich in information which I can use as background environmental data within my Counselling/Therapy Practice and have already been the basis of a number of discussion papers I’ve generated for several psychologist associates as part of their “Kink” education (to help them become more kink friendly.)

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to subcheryl)

RE: Online BDSM..help or hinderance? - 8/24/2005 7:55:23 PM

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I love the internet in general.

I think there is a 85-90% chance that I would've never discovered BDSM and gone through my entire life desperately trying to make relationships work and wondering why they crash and burn-if the internet wasn't here.

I've been interested since I was 15. And finding BDSM that early honestly helped me grow, understand myself, and work through those embarassingly awkward years. Even though I knew as a minor I would never engage in any kink activities, it was a comfort to talk to people over the internet, gather opinions, and just feel like, "Hey, maybe I'm not the only dirty pervert out there.?" But yay for being an adult finally.

The internet becomes unhealthy when that's ALL you do. And you're right, it's breeding ground for unrealistic fantasies and wannabe erotica authors. But I guess you have to take the good with the bad.

_____________________________

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to Delvin)

RE: Online BDSM..help or hinderance? - 8/24/2005 8:32:43 PM

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Hello MrThorns,

The internet has been a good thing for me. It helped me to find a lot of info. when I was
realizing why my vanilla relationships were not working.
I was always attracted to Dominant women and although I projected a Domme personality, I was a secret submissive. Without having words to put to my feelings and getting more misererable with each failed relationship.

When I finally realized my pattern and why things weren't working. I knew I wasn't wrong with wanting a dominant partner, what was wrong was not being able to talk about how I longed to be submissive in my realtionships as opposed to the facade of dominance I projected for emotional safety reasons, this was really a huge emotional, spiritual growth point for me.

I looked up Dominant and submissive in Google and find ton's of info. that I found I could relate to and what my past relationships lacked...Not only the D/s dynamic, but also the imperativeness for me to incorate that into my life and relationships, it fit, it finally felt right and there were words to use and I found others who had similar needs and desires.

It was an awakening, perhaps one of the most remarkable in my life.

I gourged on the infomation, I read the boards on different sites(before finding I preferred CM) and taught myself a lot about my submissiveness and why I desired a Dominant partner.

Outside of finding my truth where my relationships were concerned. I was also still conected to some vanilla dating sites, and on one of those I met my Domina.
I thought She was very beautiful and I had been in contact with Her a few times and I then decided to broach the subject with Her about power dynamics and it just so happened that She had played and dabbled in the Lifestyle before and was not closed to taking on that type of relationship again.
We taked about our feelings and did on'line dynamics and used it to get to know each other for like 3 months, after about a month we also starting phone calls. We knew each other for almost 4 months, talking everyday, when we decided we wanted to meet.

Although our relationship is an open one, neither of us has moved outside the relationship and we have been together for a year and a half now. She comes to get me (we are 400 miles apart)and I stay with her quite frequently thoughout the warmer 3 seasons and this time we are talking about me going down for Thanksgiving and staying through Christmas.

Anyway I will quit rambling now and say Yes, the Lifestyle internet sites and starting my relationship on-line, was very helpful and actually a lifechanging experience.
It allowed me to educate myself and know better want I wanted in a relationship and more importantly what I wanted to give.

I appreciated being able to meet my Domina and our ability. because of 0n-line interaction, to get to know each other quite well before we met. I cherish the fact it has taught me how important trust and communication are to a relationship.
I also think it possitive for me because everyday I come here I learn something new.

Chat Rooms...I have found are very superficial and playgrounds for just that, Players. I do not think they added anything of importance to my growth.

But information sites and Message boards have taught me a great deal and have enhanced my relationship with my Domina and have also made friends who choose to live their lives similar to me, so for me that's all good!

*Brightspot

_____________________________

"Comedy is NOT Pretty!" ~Peter Nelson

But..."May at Least One person have a sense of Humor!" ~KML.

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(in reply to MrThorns)

RE: Online BDSM..help or hinderance? - 8/24/2005 9:28:59 PM

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From: Scranton, PA
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quote:

I feel as though many people stop there. They accept the teachings of Castlerealm or Steel~door as gospel without consulting other sources.

I don't see that as a problem of the on-line environment; I think the problem is just that those people are stupid.

And I don't really see a problem with people having some fantasy perception of BDSM relationships because they'd have fantasies anyway. I mean, is castlesrealm really all that different from Harlequin romance novels? I also think the "kneel bitch" trolls are just a dfferent version of construction workers making suggestive comments to all the babes passing by. So I basically think that for most of the on-line BDSM goofiness you see there are paralells in the real world; that makes it hard to say that on-line is bad.

Therefore, I see on-line as inherently a good thing for the reasons others have already mentioned. However, don't expect to find me playing with the kiddies in a BDSM chatroom anytime soon.

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to MrThorns)

RE: Online BDSM..help or hinderance? - 8/24/2005 10:45:46 PM

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quote:

Do you personally feel that the internet has been a helpful tool or has it become more of a hinderance? Why do you feel that way?
~Thorns

For me, online BDSM was my path to real life BDSM, since it's how I encountered the information; I would have never known to stop at the psych/sexuality section of borders to pick up the books I have picked up since; I certainly wouldn't feel the confidence to be my bad self, without wondering why I'm different from most of the women around me. All of this has been positive for me, because I feel I am fairly level headed and keep my feet planted on earth.

I do understand how online BDSM can be a negative thing for those too easily influenced by online stories that are close to their fantasies; and it's also a real pain in the ass how many people use the online forum as a way to escape their truth/their realities, and in the process hurt/misguide others, but I shaln't go onto that rant.. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to MrThorns)

RE: Online BDSM..help or hinderance? - 8/24/2005 10:46:29 PM

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Internet as a BDSM information source: excellent.

Online roleplay: BOOOOORRRRRING!!!!!

(in reply to MrThorns)

RE: Online BDSM..help or hinderance? - 8/24/2005 11:07:13 PM

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Joined: 8/19/2005
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This one thinks that the internet is a Godsend as it has allowed this one to initially learn about a lifestyle she did not know existed, and allowed her to meet her Master.

It was a hindrance in the fact that this one is an 'information junkie' (Master's words), and as such would read every thing she could find, join every group, read all of the posts. one tended to compare our relationship with others, not realizing that many of them were strictly online or were not the 24/7 that we lived. That caused much confusion for this one, and many problems for Master who had to help this one sort things out.

Master made one take a break from online and focus on our real life relationship, on learning more about being a slave, and on getting to know herself. Now one is limited as to what sites she can join, and everything is monitored - this has made a world of difference.

(in reply to MrThorns)

RE: Online BDSM..help or hinderance? - 8/25/2005 6:54:55 AM

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Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert

quote:

I feel as though many people stop there. They accept the teachings of Castlerealm or Steel~door as gospel without consulting other sources.

I don't see that as a problem of the on-line environment; I think the problem is just that those people are stupid.

It's not the medium, it's the moron? ;-)

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to happypervert)

RE: Online BDSM..help or hinderance? - 8/25/2005 8:39:38 AM

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Joined: 8/15/2005
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Like others have said, the internet is great for connecting with like-minded people (for the purpose of real life meetings) and sharing information. I find the internet BDSM culture incredibly obnoxious, though. The whole C/cA/aP/pitalizing thing is ridiculous. It really has no bearing on real life BDSM community.

At the same time, I have no interest in many other internet cultures, like fanfic and roleplay games, but I am a livejournal nerd, so to each their own.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: Online BDSM..help or hinderance? - 8/25/2005 9:25:58 AM

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quote:

I find the internet BDSM culture incredibly obnoxious, though. The whole C/cA/aP/pitalizing thing is ridiculous. It really has no bearing on real life BDSM community.

I find every manifestation of any community has its obnoxious members and it's exceptional members and a bunch in between, whether they are online or not.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to night101owl)

RE: Online BDSM..help or hinderance? - 8/25/2005 2:19:52 PM

Ceyx

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Joined: 8/23/2005
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A few words in defense of fantasy.

I enjoy erotic roleplaying, as I do erotic fiction. Often, those who bash RP confuse the quality with the nature of the thing. If someone is unimaginative, or can't string a decent sentence together, or doesn't like to read, then of course that person isn't going to give or get much from 'cyber,' just as someone who doesn't know how to use a paddle or doesn't enjoy being spanked by one isn't going to give or get much from a real spanking.

Words are tools, and like all tools they can be used well or poorly. This is true in a live session, and it's true online as well. Those who don't find words or ideas erotic aren't going to see the point, of course, but to each his or her own. I wholeheartedly agree that erotic RP and real play are different in a wide variety of ways-- physical, psychological and practical-- but that's no reason to condemn fantasy. I can immerse myself in a novel (and become physically aroused by it) without believing that the main character lives next door. It's unfortunate that there are indeed people who can't separate fantasy from reality; still, it would seem that those people have larger issues to deal with than whether they should get their S/M virtually or at the club in town.

(in reply to MrThorns)

RE: Online BDSM..help or hinderance? - 8/25/2005 9:55:58 PM

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Joined: 6/4/2004
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I really appreciate the candor that is evident in the responses so far.

Thanks..

~Thorns

_____________________________

~"Do you know what the chain of command is? Its the chain I beat ya with when ya don't follow my command."

"My inner child is a mean little fucker"

(in reply to Ceyx)

RE: Online BDSM..help or hinderance? - 8/25/2005 10:55:13 PM

Posts: 1114
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quote:

I most definitely feel that it has been a helpful tool. It seems that you would agree, but you're losing sight of the fact that those people are merely annoying. Only if you choose to get involved with them are they any real hindrance. They way I look at it, let people have their fun. Reality will probably smack them someday. This site is wonderful. I've met many friends and learned many things. Look at it this way, sixty years ago (except in select circles) if you'd said you like to beat people, or be beaten there is a definite potential that you'd be put in jail. You'd at least be ostracized from polite society (not much of a loss usually). I think it's wonderful that we can all share our thoughts and ideas in a fairly open forum, usually without ridicule. Sure, I don't necessarily like what people do with the opportunity to use this site, but it definitely doesn't limit my use of it.

NakedOnMyChain

The internet has changed everything. Here you can get a password and read your medical files online at an area hospital. Legal practice exploded; i'm sure E/everyone has seen the ads. In the past, mass torts were rare; now they are commonplace. The ability to retrieve a 15th century document from your home office is amazing when you stop to think about it.

i don't know what BDSM was like before the internet. i found D/s in jan '04 by accident and was thrilled. This is also a dating site; and i have met Men -- with all the safety precautions -- from here. My One has not shown up, but i still feel hopeful.

pinkpleasurespinky

< Message edited by pinkpleasures -- 8/25/2005 10:56:28 PM >

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RE: Online BDSM..help or hinderance? - 8/25/2005 11:01:49 PM

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quote:

That being said, personally, I don't get cyber. Typewritten word does very little for my soul. I can make me think, but doesn't fill those needs for which real-life skin contact is required.

MsPurrmeow

i will not cyber either; a Man's character is not reveled in some fantasy He wants to say; or hear.

pinkpleasures

< Message edited by pinkpleasures -- 8/26/2005 5:22:52 AM >

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(in reply to MsPurrmeow)

RE: Online BDSM..help or hinderance? - 8/26/2005 12:36:36 AM

Posts: 134
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From: the land of oaks
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Really, I think you can say this about most any topic online.

RP is RP, and to be taken seperately from reality.
A lot of people forget this.

As far as information goes, the reader must be discerning.

Just because something is available to read, does not mean that it is factual or practical in application.

. . . except for the fact that I have just been crowned Queen of America.
Everybody send celebratory chocolates!

(in reply to MrThorns)

RE: Online BDSM..help or hinderance? - 8/26/2005 5:26:10 AM

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quote:

. . . except for the fact that I have just been crowned Queen of America.
Everybody send celebratory chocolates!

haemtopoiesis

<Sends the large box of Godiva chocolates to this member; starts practicing my curtseys, ROFL>

pinkpleasures

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(in reply to haematopoiesis)

RE: Online BDSM..help or hinderance? - 8/26/2005 10:04:08 AM

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From: the land of oaks
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Dark raspberry truffles, thank you.

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(in reply to pinkpleasures)

RE: Online BDSM..help or hinderance? - 8/26/2005 10:18:24 AM

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I don't know much about cyber sex, and even less about online D/s ... but these threads sure make me want to try it out, ha-ha!

Something that gets this strong a reaction on both sides, just has to be fun.

(in reply to haematopoiesis)

RE: Online BDSM..help or hinderance? - 8/26/2005 5:01:12 PM

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quote:

Do you personally feel that the internet has been a helpful tool or has it become more of a hinderance? Why do you feel that way?

It's a tool. Like other tools, it can be used to build or to destroy. In and of itself, it's neutral.

For me, it's been a useful tool. Some guy stumbled across a profile of mine on a BDSM site, oh, 4 years ago. We chatted a few times. When he knew he was interested, he asked me out on a r/l date. That took a couple weeks to schedule because of work and whatnot. A week after that date he proposed, and we've been married and stupidily happy for 3 years now.

I'm convinced it worked for me because of a few important factors:

1. I knew what I wanted
2. I was open, honest and very clear about what I wanted in a relationship
3. When I talked to potential partners, I found out what they wanted.
4. If what they wanted didn't match with what I wanted, I didn't allow them to waste their time or mine
4a. If they didn't know what they wanted, I said goodbye even faster. Someone who doesn't know what they want will gladly waste your time while they try to figure it out.

Early on in my involvement in the scene, I made a mistake assuming that meeting someone in real life was a better way to meet people. I met my first lifestyle relationship partner at a munch. He turned out to be the biggest liar I have ever had occasion to deal with. The "community" offered no protection against against it like I mistakenly assumed it would.

So, online or in person...same guidelines apply -- know what you want, know what's important to you, and don't allow people with incompatible goals waste your time.

(in reply to MrThorns)

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