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Vanilla sex - 1/13/2008 10:53:34 AM

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I still practice vanilla sex...And it looks like I have a problem.

Most of the time things go fast with vanilla sex and I find myself frustrated.
It looks like I enjoy more alll these erotic/gentle little things (we call them "preliminaires" in French...Don't know in English) than the act (penetration) in itself. It is more like a conclusion than the goal in itself to me.

I've got a girlfriend, she isn't interested in BDSM. That's fine, I thought I can live without it. But she cannot stand more than +/- 45 min. of "preliminaires", then she "forces" me to conclude (she closed all the doors except one ;-)), she looks happy, I'm not. I thought maybe I don't do things correctly but she looks happy.I tried to talk to her, She kept saying that everything is alright, she says that she reaches her limit (too excited) and she needs it.

Sometimes I take a pause in the middle of the relation, you know, drinking a glass of water, talking, laughing she doesn't like it.

Usually (that's what I've read at least), it should be me going too fast and her feeling frustrated.
I suspect it comes from my BDSM experience where you can take your time.

Am I the only one with this problem?

RE: Vanilla sex - 1/13/2008 11:35:00 AM

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This is nothing more than an issue of sexual compatibility. You can either compromise and sometimes go her speed and sometimes go yours, you can play around for awhile to see if one of you learns to enjoy the other more, or you can just decide it's too big of a difference and fund other people.

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(in reply to oliderid)

RE: Vanilla sex - 1/13/2008 12:20:47 PM

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I don't really think that BDSM is the cause of your problem---it sounds like the two of you just have different preferences when it comes to this issue. I certainly have had partners who I was not sexually compatible with. If I really liked them, then I would talk to them about what they liked or didn't like and vice versa and see if we could fix the problem.

It's amazing what a little communication can do....

(in reply to oliderid)

RE: Vanilla sex - 1/13/2008 12:32:56 PM

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Thank you both,
We did talk about it. She is always a bit nervous when we talk about this. I didn't want to ruin the rare evenings we are together with hot topics. I will try again . But well we are together for just three weeks now, maybe she is a bit nervous because this is the beginning? I don't want to be rude.

Anyway I'm glad to see that it isn't my fault totally. I was wondering if doing to many "deviant" things for years made me somewhat "incompatible" with vanilla life.

(in reply to lockmeupplease)

RE: Vanilla sex - 1/13/2008 12:39:42 PM

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Well maybe after a while she'll begin to think it'd be fun you know?

(in reply to oliderid)

RE: Vanilla sex - 1/13/2008 2:14:16 PM

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Your not the only one.
I think 4 hours is a good amount of time. 2.5 minimum.
There needs to be some change up also.
That is where vanilla is limiting.
How long can a person do the old in out before getting bored?
There is just so much more to life!

Respectfully, LTP

(in reply to oliderid)

RE: Vanilla sex - 1/13/2008 2:45:44 PM

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Vampirate, I don't know. I hope so ;-) but she is good company anyway and I have fun with her. Anyway she is pretty open minded since I told her everything.
liketophoto I know what you mean, lol :-). I think the trick is to find what she likes. Hell we all have fantaisies. She should have her own too I'm not limited to BDSM and I'd glad to discover new things.

(in reply to liketophoto)

RE: Vanilla sex - 1/13/2008 4:00:14 PM

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I think the equivalent word for "preliminaires" in English would be foreplay.

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(in reply to oliderid)

RE: Vanilla sex - 1/13/2008 4:48:37 PM

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I often move more slowly than my wife and need more foreplay (preliminaires) than she does, especially where simple vanilla-style sex is concerned. I enjoy the journey, as it were, far more than the destination, and in fact part of how my wife has come to be so enthusiastic about bondage is that I would often tie her up so that I could then take my time with her. As LA comments, this is seemingly just a compatability issue between the two of you. Not everyone is able to enjoy various styles of play to the same extent. Some need it to be intense, passionate, and quick, while others prefer slower with a longer buildup. I count "orgasm control" among my skills of expertise from years of saying to my wife, "no, not yet". For us, it works, but it has taken many years of practice, and some years were more difficult than others.

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Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to oliderid)

RE: Vanilla sex - 1/13/2008 9:40:25 PM

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I too have never been all that crazy about intercourse. Pretty much all my sexual encounters even before I realized what a perv I was, had elements of D/s to them and I've definitely sacrificed plenty of intercourse opportunities in favor of an enjoyable evening of foreplay. To me intercourse has always been more mechanical and kinda meh. I've found myself avoiding easy lays on a number of occasions because I just wasn't all that interested in the sex especially when if one or both of us were on the drunk side. Where's the fun in just sticking it in and blowing a load? I can handle that part on my own.What I want is another person to explore and find out where all the best buttons to push are. I'll take vanilla sex if its with someone I actually enjoy spending time with and find attractive, but I no longer see myself as being in a relationship where there wasn't any bdsm play at least in the bedroom.

< Message edited by TheDomInTheHat -- 1/13/2008 9:42:31 PM >

(in reply to Suleiman)

RE: Vanilla sex - 1/13/2008 11:01:03 PM

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If it is an issue now it will only grow into a cancer as time goes on and kill the relationship. I am 4 months off a 3 year vanilla relationship and I thought I would be alright and encouraged a bit more kinkier play and although she was occasionally receptive to some, it was little and far between and nothing she was open to discuss.

(in reply to TheDomInTheHat)

RE: Vanilla sex - 1/13/2008 11:37:05 PM

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/agree

There is way funner things to do then just "stick it in" there is a whole person there, not a "hole" person. Sorry, bit drunk, anyway, sex is about everything, no matter if it is Vanil or kinked. If I just wanted to come, id get some "me" time, easier to schedule at least

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RE: Vanilla sex - 1/14/2008 3:55:56 AM

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Asherdelampyr, I don't thing sex is about everything. I had a harmonious relationship (3 years) on that side and it didn't work.

For example I'm not particularly fond of watching television each evening of the week. She liked it. She was tired after long working days, I can understand it. But we had different centre of interests, It was a real pain to invite her to...A theatre, an event or I don't know. She could spend all her hollidays on a beach, I couldn't, I needed to visit historical places, Discover new things, having a drink in a beautiful village. I like sunbathing but not every single day of my hollidays. So it ends up like the couple was about sex only . The great thing about my new relationship is that I have an opportunity to do things I like (outside sex) with somebody I appreciate.

KnOcala that is precisly the situation I'm afraid of.

TheDomInTheHat I agree, that's probably why I had this interest with BDSM where you can explore new things. But sometimes even in BDSM I get bored too :-). People who see themselves as subs, dom(me) only etc. I was pretty excited at the beginning then...Sometimes it is so fake. You see yourself "acting" each time you have sex.

Suleimain, you are a real inspiration ;-). How was her initial reaction towards BDSM?

NimirRa thank you ;-)

< Message edited by oliderid -- 1/14/2008 4:07:34 AM >

(in reply to Asherdelampyr)

RE: Vanilla sex - 1/14/2008 3:58:39 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: oliderid

Asherdelampyr, I don't thing sex is about everything. I had a harmonious relationship (3 years) on that side and it didn't work.

For example I'm not particularly fond of watching television each evening of the week. She liked it. She was tired after long working days, I can understand it. But we had different centre of interests, It was a real pain to invite her to...A theatre, an event or I don't know. She could spend all her hollidays on a beach, I couldn't, I needed to visit historical places, Discover new things, having a drink in a beautiful village. I like sunbathing but not every single day of my hollidays. So it ends up like the couple was about sex only . The great thing about my new relationship is that I have an opportunity to do things I like (outside sex) with somebody I appreciate.

I think you misunderstood me, sorry, I didnt meant that sex was about everything, as in everything in the relationship, I meant that it was about every part of someone, not just their genitals. but the rest of them physically, as well as their emotions and feelings.

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(in reply to oliderid)

RE: Vanilla sex - 1/14/2008 4:09:30 AM

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[/quote]I think you misunderstood me, sorry, I didnt meant that sex was about everything, as in everything in the relationship, I meant that it was about every part of someone, not just their genitals. but the rest of them physically, as well as their emotions and feelings.[/quote]

Sorry too, I miss subtleties in English sometimes ;-).

(in reply to Asherdelampyr)

RE: Vanilla sex - 1/14/2008 4:31:28 AM

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its cool, it happens

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RE: Vanilla sex - 1/14/2008 8:01:32 AM

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omg you still try to do vanilla sex?? it's difficult enough for me to deal with vanilla guys... they think i am playing mind games... giggles.. well i kinda am... bad msch bad...

I always have to be upfront about what my nature is, well most can tell anyways I dont march to the same drummer..

Not even sure if i could do vanilla male friends anymore... life is just to short to hide who you are..

msch

(in reply to Asherdelampyr)

RE: Vanilla sex - 1/14/2008 1:00:33 PM

burningdesires47

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quote:

ORIGINAL: oliderid

I've got a girlfriend, she isn't interested in BDSM. That's fine, I thought I can live without it. But she cannot stand more than +/- 45 min. of "preliminaires", then she "forces" me to conclude (she closed all the doors except one ;-)), she looks happy, I'm not. I thought maybe I don't do things correctly but she looks happy.I tried to talk to her, She kept saying that everything is alright, she says that she reaches her limit (too excited) and she needs it.

Sometimes I take a pause in the middle of the relation, you know, drinking a glass of water, talking, laughing she doesn't like it.

As a woman who gets easily over-sensitized, and over-excited, I can understand her situation. I've found that women who have similar reactions are also easy to orgasm, and have many orgasms, even very "hard" orgasms that are sometimes painful--but to a masochist, that's no problem at all! But with these women, once you've "started," with the preliminaries, the foreplay, and if desired the penetrative intercourse, stopping can literally be painful. And not in the way of making a happy masochist.

quote:

Usually (that's what I've read at least), it should be me going too fast and her feeling frustrated.
I suspect it comes from my BDSM experience where you can take your time.

From my experience with men and vanilla sex, I can tell you that a) You are not the only one with this problem (I have a mostly-vanilla lover right now for whom sex is a 4-hour event, and goes back and forth between penetration and foreplay. I like my foreplay as FOREPLAY, the penetration is an end to things, and I'm done at 15 minutes--an hour, tops, including the foreplay). And, b) it has nothing to do with BDSM, except that you have learned through your experiences with BDSM that you like to take your time. You could have easily learned that through hours of oral sex, which is now generally considered a vanilla activity.

(in reply to oliderid)

RE: Vanilla sex - 1/15/2008 3:26:24 PM

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burningdesires47 I think you are probably right. So maybe I give too much credit to BDSM. As a man I like too feel "the urgent need" in me and keep it for hours...I guess she doesn't like such things. Concerning oral sex, that's precisly the thing pushing her to her limits. hours of it and she will explode :-)

(in reply to burningdesires47)

RE: Vanilla sex - 1/29/2008 2:08:19 AM

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If she's getting that greedy with oral sex, perhaps a little manual (g-spot) or vibrator action could add a level (another sort of orgasm) for her?

I'd been married for many years before I learned that several orgasms down the road, I could actually get to female ejaculation...and I learned that on my own with a vibrator. At this point in my BDSM experience, I've found that I can have at least three kinds of orgasm, singly or all at once, depending on the kind of stimulation being applied.

On the other hand, I know some unfortunate singly orgasmic women, so it is not always thus.

Bon chance,

Delilah Deb

(in reply to oliderid)

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