Why the play is a lot more intense when we are no longer in a D/s relationship

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Why the play is a lot more intense when we are no longe... - 1/15/2008 8:53:33 AM

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I was with my Dom in a serious relationship for 6 months, then I broke up with him. 2 weeks after that, I suggested to maintain play partners, he was hesitant but agreed. he is excited that we can keep playing.

When we were D/s(bf/gf), I felt intimate and close to him, but his power was diminished bcos of the intimacy. Now, Im purely his play toy, I still have feelings for him(otherwise I wouldnt want to keep playing), but I put myself to the low level that what he wants and does is no longer my business.

I feel like Im playing and abusing my feelings, but the whole "just a toy" idea triggers intense feelings when playing or just thinking about it. I feel weirdly excited.

have you ever felt this way? Is it healthy?

< Message edited by sunkstar -- 1/15/2008 9:06:43 AM >

RE: Why the play is a lot more intense when we are no l... - 1/15/2008 9:00:50 AM

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If it was serious and you broke up with me there is not no way in hell I would play with you after two weeks. I have more repesct for myself.

Mike

(in reply to sunkstar)

RE: Why the play is a lot more intense when we are no l... - 1/15/2008 9:14:09 AM

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Are you sure that the feelings you enjoy are from being a play toy and they aren't a subconscious attraction to being the one in control? To a large extent submissives do retain a lot of control (albeit not explicit) but this is more pronounced in your case as teh initiator of both the break-up and the subsequent games.

(in reply to SirMIkeSD)

RE: Why the play is a lot more intense when we are no l... - 1/15/2008 10:09:32 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

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~FR~

For me, feelings of love get in the way of my dominance. I simply can't be as cruel and heartless as both I and my slave need. We both want to be able to exercise the dark demons and reach those places that simply are not (at least in my case) compatible with love.

I can not be in a loving romantic relationship that allows me to explore the bottoms of my sadistic depths. When I care that way about a woman, I can not hurt her the ways we both want. (This does not mean I do not love my slave...it is just not the kind of love shared between man and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, etc.)

Perhaps some of this is what is going on. Outside of the romantic and intimate nature of a relationship, you both can be more free to explore darknesses that were not accessible inside.

Taggard

< Message edited by TallDarkAndWitty -- 1/15/2008 10:10:05 AM >

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RE: Why the play is a lot more intense when we are no l... - 1/15/2008 10:44:04 AM

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In a past relationship, I'd found that as I developed feelings for the girl I was with I had trouble topping her as effectively. Stuff creeping in about my not really wanting to hurt her, worrying about how she's doing, and so on. So I couldn't whip her as effectively as when we started out. I'd hit her, she'd shudder, and I'd pause. Even if it was just for a fraction of a second or if she didn't notice, I still knew I was doing it, and I hated it.

Now, my current girl is different. I love her dearly and that's actually made me more sadistic. Again, it was like a switch flipped inside me, it's just that this time it went the other way. I'm not quite sure what's different about it. Maybe this time that I'm more open and we're very clear about our feelings for each other. I dunno. So I look at her in two different ways - she's my babe who I love and treasure dearly and she's also a hunk of meat for me to have my way with. She's simultaneously someone to be held close and softly kissed and someone to be chained up in a basement to be used as a hole. Kind of a weird dichotomy but it works for me.

So we both get off on her being used as a toy. Is it healthy? I assume it is. Otherwise we're not healthy either.

Or were you asking whether it's healthy to be getting back together like this? Well, a lot of people have hookups like this with exes in vanilla relationships, too. Is that healthy? No more or less than what this is. I'd say the only thing to be wary of is the standard relationship stuff. That one or the other of you will start developing feelings again and get badly hurt, or possibly get back together.

But just getting off on being nothing more than a service toy? Nothing wrong with that.

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

RE: Why the play is a lot more intense when we are no l... - 1/15/2008 10:51:10 AM

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i have felt the "just a toy" feeling both with intimate partners, and while playing with those who are just friends at play parties. There is nothing wrong with feeling like a toy to be played with. For me personally, if there is a level of intimacy and connection with the person i am with, the play time is far more intense. When i submit partially at a party and have fun playing, i never reach the same deep level of excitement and space as i do when it is someone i am in a relationship with. Could just be my own quirk, i do have my share of those

So, for me being intimate does not diminish the power exchange, it actually heightens it a great deal.

ummmmmmm what was the question again? i lost my train of thought somewhere in all my rambings...

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(in reply to sunkstar)

RE: Why the play is a lot more intense when we are no l... - 1/15/2008 10:59:51 AM

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Come on Mike. I would still respect you in the morning. As was stated if there is no emonital connection then there is no real feelings. You are just going thru the motions.

(in reply to sweetwenchie)

RE: Why the play is a lot more intense when we are no l... - 1/15/2008 11:08:19 AM

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IF you start as Ds because it is part of your life and very important and then love disables the D then it is hard to maintain.
I myself have problems beeing Dominant to a loved one (well often). I think you both are back to basics now, to what you first wanted.

And perhaps the love is still there, but just unnamed

(in reply to Dnomyar)

RE: Why the play is a lot more intense when we are no l... - 1/15/2008 11:54:45 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Come on Mike. I would still respect you in the morning. As was stated if there is no emonital connection then there is no real feelings. You are just going thru the motions.

Dnomyar it's not a matter of you respecting me in the morning, that we can talk about another time

According to the OP it was a serious relationship and has only been two weeks since she dumped him so there would still be some connection. So keeping in line with that, there is no way I would let her manipulating me into playing with her.

Mike

(in reply to Dnomyar)

RE: Why the play is a lot more intense when we are no l... - 1/15/2008 1:19:06 PM

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I once had a vanilla relationship like this with someone. Only we'd fight like cats and dogs when we were together, and once we broke up we were really good friends who were attracted to eachother. We found out in our case we felt too pressured to act a certain way once we were 'dating' yet we were nice, relaxed, and loose when we were just friends. We decided to keep it that way, sort of a why ruin a bad thing scenario.

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RE: Why the play is a lot more intense when we are no l... - 1/15/2008 2:27:21 PM

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I presume the play is more intense because there are no sweet feelings of love or caring coming into play. Instead you're using it to work out feelings of anger, frustration and resentment. Harder, edgier feelings if you will.

Just watch out that he doesn't lose it and seek to hurt you through play. You don't want to be injured.

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RE: Why the play is a lot more intense when we are no l... - 1/15/2008 3:17:27 PM

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I may be a weird exception to the rule, but for me to feel like just a play toy, I still need that deep emotional connection. Being "just friends" with a play partner just won't do it for me. It may work for a while, but it will never keep me satisfied. The connection I feel with Mistress lets me fall into that "just a toy" mindset really easy because I can be as dirty and perverted as I want with Her and it will only amplify things with Her. Her power only grows with the growing level of intimacy I feel for Her. I get to lose myself deeper into the abyss that is Her domination over me.

Once again, that's just my opinion.

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(in reply to sunkstar)

RE: Why the play is a lot more intense when we are no l... - 1/15/2008 9:34:27 PM

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I'm wondering if it's more a fear of intimacy and commitment and responsibility which he can let go of when it's not a serious relationship.

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RE: Why the play is a lot more intense when we are no l... - 1/15/2008 9:50:33 PM

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It's easier to skirt the edge when you feel you don't have much to lose with the risk.

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RE: Why the play is a lot more intense when we are no l... - 1/16/2008 4:39:16 AM

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If you two are no longer a couple but the fetish stuff still thrives then evidently it wasn't the problem with the relationship. Now that the problem areas are no longer germaine to the situation you are both free to let your hair down without those distractions. If you are both enjoying it and nobody's feelings are in jeopardy I do not see a problem with it.

The notion that this sort of intensity cannot prevail in a loving relationship is bollocks. If you cannot achieve that level of intensity with a significant other and can only find it with play partners, so be it. If even one couple can make it work - then it works. End of story.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkCharm
To a large extent submissives do retain a lot of control (albeit not explicit)

Man, truer words are seldom spoken.

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RE: Why the play is a lot more intense when we are no l... - 1/16/2008 8:45:08 AM

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quote:

The notion that this sort of intensity cannot prevail in a loving relationship is bollocks.

I agree with this.....

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RE: Why the play is a lot more intense when we are no l... - 1/16/2008 12:38:24 PM

BabyDollVanIsle

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sunkstar, it sounds like you are having your cake and eating it too... hard to do but more power to you if you can get it to work.

probably there are more feelings there, and if you two do end up back together, or just continue as play partners, i can't see any problem with that.

connection is connection, and in my mind a positive thing, whether it be for play, love or both.

baby doll

(in reply to breatheasone)

RE: Why the play is a lot more intense when we are no l... - 1/17/2008 12:42:52 AM

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~Fast Reply~

As others have mentioned, some just find that love gets in the way for them. It's possible that was going on, it's possible that there is relieved pressure and you can both just get what you want from the situation and it's possible that you two make great play partners and just don't work in a relationship. I've had some FWB that I could never be in a relationship with.

Now... if it's healthy or not, I don't have a clue. Only you know what is going on in your head.

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(in reply to BabyDollVanIsle)

RE: Why the play is a lot more intense when we are no l... - 1/17/2008 12:49:35 AM

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I don't think it's uncommon for a sadist to experience remorse when strong emotions are present. However, it's also possible the thought of losing the person made the bond stronger rather than the relationship ending making it weaker. Only you know the answers. Is it unhealthy? Is it keeping you from finding the relationship you really want that is an ltr (if that's truly what you seek which isn't clear)?

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RE: Why the play is a lot more intense when we are no l... - 1/17/2008 10:28:49 PM

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quote:

I don't think it's uncommon for a sadist to experience remorse when strong emotions are present.

This is why (in my opinion) after care is SO important....i always try to thank Daddy after, and tell Him how grateful I am He loves me enough to hurt me.

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