Would You Give it to Her if She Asked?

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Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? - 1/19/2008 2:05:33 PM

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I had one of the WORST days of my life last Wednesday. I was so upset by the time that I got home that I couldn't even cry- I just felt like I was going to explode and I needed release.

I asked my husband and Master to cane me. I asked for a specific implement, and for a specific position in which to be caned.

To spare myself writing about this twice, go to my blog (http://www.kinkycrafts.info/gorgeous-blog/gblog.php?id=8557598433745255384) and you can also visit Capnspankins blog (http://www.kinkycrafts.info/master-blog/mblog.php?id=4269861553570645413) to get his take on it. Mine is titled "A Cathartic Caning".

So my questions to you are:

1)Would you grant such a specific request, or would you feel like your sub was being pushy or topping from the bottom?

2) Would it make you feel uncomfortable to do such a thing since it wasn't specifically related to sex?

Your responses are appreciated!

< Message edited by gorgeous1 -- 1/19/2008 2:50:56 PM >

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RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? - 1/19/2008 2:11:25 PM

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I ask him for things from time to time - anything from some attention, to a belting, to sucking his cock, to whether or not I can go out with my friends. Asking is not topping. Asking is recognizing his authority and being prepared to accept whatever the answer is. Sometimes he grants me my desire; sometimes he does not.

The important thing is how you respond if he says no.

(in reply to gorgeous1)

RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? - 1/19/2008 2:14:27 PM

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I would ask to be hurt as a release from stress, I completely get that. I would never be that specific. I would only make the request and it would be up to the dominant as far as if/when/how. Anything else would be too topping from the bottom for me to even imagine.

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(in reply to gorgeous1)

RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? - 1/19/2008 2:20:00 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: gorgeous1

So my questions to you are:

1)Would you grant such a specific request, or would you feel like your sub was being pushy or topping from the bottom?

2) Would it make you feel uncomfortable to do such a thing since it wasn't specifically related to sex?

From a submissive perspective:
1) Yes, I am allowed to ask, and He will do or deny. I never know which, both can be extremely painful. If he feels I am trying to design-a-dom then I will get laughed at and it is likely he will do the complete opposite to what I ask.

2) Nah. Physical pain is often about his sadism more than it is about sex. Rarely are the two coupled together for us at this time.

(in reply to gorgeous1)

RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? - 1/19/2008 2:20:40 PM

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As Mistress tells me...

"part of owning you is caring for you in all ways."

With that said, yes i have gone to Her and asked for a specific activity/implement. The difference (i feel) in this as opposed to topping from the bottom is that in even in these instances, i understood that it was Her decision to grant/deny the activity requested and accepting that decision without throwing a temper tantrum.

(in reply to gorgeous1)

RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? - 1/19/2008 2:43:45 PM

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Master does if i ask, and in addition, sometimes He seems to know i need it before i do. He hears something in my voice, sees something in my demenour, something .. i don't know what it is - my distractedness maybe, my stress perhaps, and He gives me what i need to release my demons and soothe me.

(in reply to gorgeous1)

RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? - 1/19/2008 2:45:57 PM

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Nah, I don't see this as topping from the bottom at all. I think anytime the submissive/slave desires a whipping, it should be asked for, begged for even; I'd say that's a lot better than acting up or mouthing off to get it. He can then grant or deny.

< Message edited by marieToo -- 1/19/2008 2:46:30 PM >

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RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? - 1/19/2008 2:57:31 PM

robertolapiedra

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Hello gorgeous1. First I would make sure that the request is in the stress relief department. Would rather have a talk than do this. If in my judgement "endorphines" are what the "doctor" ordered, sure why not. As long as this does not become a habit, even if body chemicals are "natural".

To me it would be the same as releasing stress by working out or going for a run outside. RL.

(in reply to gorgeous1)

RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? - 1/19/2008 3:01:40 PM

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Yes, I'd give it to her.

No, I wouldn't (necessarily) think it meant that my sub was being pushy or topping from the bottom.

And no, it wouldn't make me feel uncomfortable that this wasn't specifically related to sex.

Although I might fuck her afterwards.

Peach will probably say that there are many times she has asked me to hurt her and I haven't done it, but overall I do listen...

quote:

ORIGINAL: gorgeous1

1)Would you grant such a specific request, or would you feel like your sub was being pushy or topping from the bottom?

2) Would it make you feel uncomfortable to do such a thing since it wasn't specifically related to sex?

< Message edited by Lordandmaster -- 1/19/2008 3:02:16 PM >

(in reply to gorgeous1)

RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? - 1/19/2008 3:02:07 PM

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Exactly.. I would much rather they ask for that release, then act a brat to get it.

Some of us simply need to go through that to get the demons purged. It is a very useful tool. You happened to know the fastest route to do that so that is what you asked for. I see nothing wrong with that at all. But then I am not one of those Domlier then thou sorts.. of "you can not ask or question me mere mortal" bs. *snickers* I hope that you get the chance to read Jacquline Carey's Kushiel's Dart books. It will really speak to you. I know it did to me. My sub bought me the books for my birthday. http://www.jacquelinecarey.com/

It may seen un Domme of me but if my submissives seem out of sorts I always ask if there is something I can do, or that they need of me.. I am not a mind reader 100% of the time.. only part of the time.. *winks* Open communication is wonderful. I do not see openly communicating with me as topping from the bottom... unless you give directions on every bloody thing, and try to manipulate circumstances all the time. Then we have issues.

Good luck in dealing with your group.. those dynamics can be ugly. *hugs*

Gwyn

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RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? - 1/19/2008 3:19:24 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

Although I might fuck her afterwards.

I had to laugh at this. I neglected to include in my post that if he granted my request, he would likely throw in an extra doozey that I didn't want, just because.

And then he'd fuck me afterwards.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? - 1/19/2008 3:50:03 PM

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There have been times when I have been upset by something and have been asked if I needed a spanking to make things better.

When I was with my ex, I remember asking a couple of times for a flogging.

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(in reply to gorgeous1)

RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? - 1/19/2008 3:53:25 PM

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I read a bit of your blog, and being a former cutter myself I think that plays into the dynamic a bit. When I get to the point I can't cry or scream or vent it in any way I'm not in good territory in the "harm to self" department. I've slashed myself up pretty bad in the past and not remembered anything but the first inch or so of a superficial cut. Now if I get in that territory I'll ask him for that pain because I know his judgment is intact and it's a safer situation all around to get that cathartic release I can't get safely on my own. It's a bit more than noncutters want to know, probably, but there it is.

I'll never understand how asking for something is topping from the bottom. I can't imagine him saying no in a situation like the one you're describing, but if he did his decision is final.

I understand the whole needing a certain position with a certain instrument. Cutting is almost always ritualistic, and something that replaces it (even in a much safer manner) is probably going to be highly ritualized as well. Between us, we understand that when I get like this it is far past M/s and this release is more a service he provides me for my own wellbeing so what I need is what I get. Take care.

(in reply to gorgeous1)

RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? - 1/19/2008 3:54:50 PM

lilabbotsfordgrl

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Really well said, smilingjaguar, and I agree with you.

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RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? - 1/19/2008 4:11:57 PM

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Gladly and cheerfilly give her all she asked/begged for then I would take another 70% for me.

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(in reply to gorgeous1)

RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? - 1/19/2008 4:29:39 PM

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Lordandmaster: she got a right good stuffing afterwards and she smiled the whole way.

I was very lucky to have attended a lecture by a prominent leatherman on cathartic flogging (details here: http://www.kinkycrafts.info/master-blog/mblog.php?id=4269861553570645413). This made the request make more sense to me than I think it might have if I hadn't heard about it before.

I had my reservations for just a second about using a cane and not a flogger, but when I listened carefully to gorgeous1, it became clear that my use of the canes triggers her submissive spirit in a way that almost nothing else I have can. I think the rhythm of 2 canes going really helps give her the focus she needs to reach that cathartic headspace.

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Read my ongoing series, "Lessons on Domination from Jim Mogul" at my blog: http://www.kinkycrafts.info/master-blog/mblog.php

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? - 1/19/2008 4:37:46 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: smilingjaguar

I'll never understand how asking for something is topping from the bottom. I can't imagine him saying no in a situation like the one you're describing, but if he did his decision is final.

I understand the whole needing a certain position with a certain instrument. Cutting is almost always ritualistic, and something that replaces it (even in a much safer manner) is probably going to be highly ritualized as well. Between us, we understand that when I get like this it is far past M/s and this release is more a service he provides me for my own wellbeing so what I need is what I get. Take care.

You have great insight, smilingjaguar. gorgeous1 hasn't responded yet but you are dead on about the ritualistic aspects and the need to replace destructive rituals of the past with healing ones in the present.

As for topping from the bottom, this problem can exist, to be sure. But I can't help thinking it is often being used as a poor excuse for being a bad listener or communicator on the part of many Doms. I wrote about this before in Part 3 of my Lessons on Domination series (link in my sig).

_____________________________

"A spank in time saves nine" ~ Benjamin Spanklin

Read my ongoing series, "Lessons on Domination from Jim Mogul" at my blog: http://www.kinkycrafts.info/master-blog/mblog.php

(in reply to smilingjaguar)

RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? - 1/19/2008 5:27:16 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: gorgeous1
1)Would you grant such a specific request, or would you feel like your sub was being pushy or topping from the bottom?

My answer to this is exactly like ownedgirlie's in post #2. I've said it a million times before here in the forums: In my relationship, asking is not topping. Master is perfectly capable of denying my request. It's not like me asking for something is kryptonite that makes Him wilt and have to give it to me

. I ask and then, as ownedgirlie said, can and do act with respect if I am denied.

Honestly, if Master found out I needed something as badly as you did in this situation you described and I held back and refused to ask Him, He'd be seriously pissed and disappointed. It's not up to me to decide what needs/feelings I should share with Him. I tell Him and He deals with all of them and never considers it "topping" for me to ask for something I feel I need. He'll make the final call on whether it's a need or a want and I trust Him totally to make the right decision.

quote:

Would it make you feel uncomfortable to do such a thing since it wasn't specifically related to sex?

Of course it wouldn't. He does many many things to/for me that have nothing to do with sex. That's the least of our concerns sometimes.............luci

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 1/19/2008 5:28:26 PM >

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RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? - 1/19/2008 5:39:28 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: gorgeous1

So my questions to you are:

1)Would you grant such a specific request, or would you feel like your sub was being pushy or topping from the bottom?

We see no problem with asking to be hurt or with a specific tool to relieve stress. Different toys produce different feelings and if I need a flogging, a spanking isn't going to have the same effect. We don't see it as topping from the bottom to ask. He will decide if, when, and where.

quote:

2) Would it make you feel uncomfortable to do such a thing since it wasn't specifically related to sex?

I highly doubt he would, though he would probably find a way to transition it into sex.

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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(in reply to gorgeous1)

RE: Would You Give it to Her if She Asked? - 1/19/2008 5:53:44 PM

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I am a former cutter as well and completely understand what you are saying. my Owner knows I used to cut and has put me under very scrict orders never to do it again. He has often said "if you feel those feeling coming on, tell me I will get my knives so that I can do the cutting myself sao that you get to release those feeling without harming yourself". It works wonders.

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(in reply to lilabbotsfordgrl)

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