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what to do when a Mistress is bitter - 2/1/2008 2:51:43 AM   
Zaraseeks


Posts: 130
Joined: 9/5/2007
Status: offline 		Ok this may be a frizted post, I will ask that it be excused now!  About 9 months ago I became great friends with another submissive, REALLY great friends, and she decided to take a swing at being my domme, and we got really close.  She is married (husband is aware of everything) and has kids, they were about to make a move, things were not going well with a break up I was going through, she asked me to come serve her full time and move with her, I accepted, things were a little rough, she wasnt really dominate, but we loved each other...right?  We decided D/s wasnt working for us, but we were great lovers, friends, and I had gotten very close to the kids and her husband as well, she was just no longer my Mistress.  Well we grew apart, not sure how, I started talking to other Dommes and dating, wasnt home as much, I noticed she still wanted the control of being my Mistress, but without the responsibility, I didnt really go for it.  Anyways, not sure what happened but it came down to us not talking at all, her always seeming mad, lashing out, (stopped taking her meds for bi polar) I have over heard her talking to friends about how I am "useing her" and other really awful stuff, I am kinda at a loss.  I care about her, I talked to her we both decided I should move out, I told her by the middle of march, after all I do need to save money, I dropped everything and moved 1000 miles. she seemd fine with this, yet I still hear her talk to her master, and other D/s people about how god awful I am, I dont even see what it is I am doing!!  When we took D/s out I started paying rent, on my own will, I figured if I am not hers, she shouldnt support me. I try so hard to be her friend, but it doesnt seem wanted.  I cant afford to just move out now, and I dont know how to talk to her.  I also feel very betrayed, I have a Domme I have been talking to a year, one whom I adore, and had been seeking her collar, She got breast cancer, which put us on hold, but Wwe were still very close.  Karen (the one I moved for) also had developed a friendship with Her, through me, and had started talking to Her about me, and how I am useing Her, but "she isnt trying to come between us" Well, I thought this lady had more faith in me, but she disappeared, I dont know if it was just too much drama, I tried to steer clear of bringing it up, she just got through with chemo, I knew She didnt need the stress.  So I feel lost, this sucks, I thought I could trust this lady a lot more, I feel like I made a stupid move in coming here, I risked a lot in leaving where I was, left a lot, and for this...I love the kids so much, they are really sad and dont know why I am leaving, its hard to stay up beat about it all for them.  I dont know where I will move, theres no reason for me to stay here, I dont have a lot left to go back where I came from for, theres a great Mistress about 4 hours from me, I am thinking I should move closer to Her (not another move right in thing for sure)  But I dont want to be moving all over the fricken US, ok so I am depressed, full of anxiety, tired of trying to keep it together, cant sleep, and really really hurt and confused.  I wish I could understand how I became the bad guy here,  I know part of this is her being bi polar and not taking her meds, she isnt doing well period, but how do I not take this personal, it is personal!  Sorry for the vent guys!
lil zara
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: what to do when a Mistress is bitter - 2/1/2008 3:23:03 AM   
MissMorrigan


Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Zara, you say you grew apart but are still living in her house and dating other dommes. Was that an agreement between you?  If I had asked my lover to move in with me and our relationship ended, but they could not yet afford to move out, I would be upset if they began dating around when our wounds were still rather 'raw'. On the surface, it seems you are spreading yourself rather thinly, so have the decency to wait regarding the dating of others at least until you have moved out. As far as I'm concerned, you may be paying rent where you are but it's not ethical to conduct romantic liaisons with others until you have your own space once again. Respect goes two ways and I can understand there being hurt.

(in reply to Zaraseeks)
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RE: what to do when a Mistress is bitter - 2/1/2008 3:37:17 AM   
Zaraseeks


Posts: 130
Joined: 9/5/2007
Status: offline 		I am sorry I wasnt clear.  We were poly to begin with, she encouraged me to see others, as one, she was married, had an online dom, an online slave, a RL trainer, and a RL Master...Her time was spent trying to please all these men, so she was kinda eager to get me to see others, I didnt really have an interest in taking her up on it, other than the Lady who had breast cancer, and at that point it was online.  Once we took D/s out I did start dating a girl and went to see a Domme who lives a ways away.  I still put our relationship first, she has never said that this bothered her, nor did it seem to be the probleam.  I am not disrespectful in that manner, and believe firmly in open communication, not only should she say so if it does bother her, but I asked over and over again, and talked about anything that may be an issue (ie are you going to be ok without my help with the kids if I go away for a few days to see this Domme, what are your plans?  when should I be back, and a million times "are you SURE you are ok with this)  I can say I have tried to keep our line open, at this point she is extreamly manic, everyone in the house is afraid to be in the same room. 

(in reply to MissMorrigan)
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RE: what to do when a Mistress is bitter - 2/1/2008 3:42:50 AM   
PrizedPosession


Posts: 1209
Joined: 11/2/2007
Status: offline 		i'm sorry i don't have any advice for you, but i wish you the best in figuring things out.
-bobcat

(in reply to Zaraseeks)
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RE: what to do when a Mistress is bitter - 2/1/2008 3:47:53 AM   
Zaraseeks


Posts: 130
Joined: 9/5/2007
Status: offline 		Thanks so much prized, think I am really just venting, I have remained really calm and logical about it, and I need a break, plus I was so stressed I couldnt sleep tonight...I enjoy reading your posts btw

(in reply to PrizedPosession)
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RE: what to do when a Mistress is bitter - 2/1/2008 3:51:02 AM   
MissMorrigan


Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Zara, it's me who should be apologising for making an assumption based on so little information. Thank you for clearing that up for me. Ya know, when love is involved emotions run deeply and sometimes when we feel hurt we have this wretched tendency of putting up a wall and developing an "I'm fine, do what you like" attitude, and in reality, feel quite the opposite, with our true feelings reflected in our actions. I don't think there's an exception to this despite it having been a poly relationship.

Coming off her medications isn't the wisest choice and if her behaviour is affecting others, then it's not localised to just you, so that's a concern. It's an awkward situation to be in, but my advice would still be to put dating others on hold while in her household.

(in reply to Zaraseeks)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: what to do when a Mistress is bitter - 2/1/2008 4:27:06 AM   
Zaraseeks


Posts: 130
Joined: 9/5/2007
Status: offline 		Thank You so very much Miss Morrigan!!  I kinda needed someone to help me look at it this way.  I think a big rift did happen when I started dating the vanillia girl, which I ended, cause she was trying to interfer with my "family" here.  Not so much looking to date anyways, have my sights on someone, but She is not local, so theres the phone convos and so on, and Karen swears she thinks this lady is great for me, just what I need, but maybe it is hurting her and I hadnt really thought about that (or maybe I had, but not enough) 
The meds is a HUGE thing.  She isnt stable with her meds, but much much better.  Her bi polar disorder is very extream and hurts the people in her life, which in turn hurts her.  I want to help her, I just dont know how.  Also, her husband is military and is about to go on temp duty, and will be gone most of this next year.  I know all of this is hard, and I guess I shouldnt take it personal, but its so hard not to, she means a lot to me.  I hate to leave right as her husband does, but with us not talking not like I can be much support.
GRR, I am just stressed and feel alone.
Thanks both of you!@

(in reply to MissMorrigan)
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RE: what to do when a Mistress is bitter - 2/1/2008 4:34:01 AM   
pettingdragons


Posts: 421
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline 		Id just leave and cut my losses....
:)
Pamela

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pettingdragons
"may the moon bless you with her light.......so you dont pee on your feet"

(in reply to Zaraseeks)
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RE: what to do when a Mistress is bitter - 2/1/2008 4:36:43 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Miss Morrigan is offering good advice. Quit whineing. You made your point.

(in reply to Zaraseeks)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: what to do when a Mistress is bitter - 2/1/2008 4:38:37 AM   
MissMorrigan


Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		You need to take care of you and if you need a soundboard, you're more than welcome to memo me.

(in reply to Zaraseeks)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: what to do when a Mistress is bitter - 2/1/2008 4:40:43 AM   
Zaraseeks


Posts: 130
Joined: 9/5/2007
Status: offline 		Thanks petting, and I am, like I said looking to vent, and not really whining Dnom, but you are right, very good advice from MissM

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: what to do when a Mistress is bitter - 2/1/2008 4:45:06 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		Hi Zara, good to see you.

My suggestion: Move out as soon as you can.  It doesn't mean you are abandoning her.  You will be able to be a better friend and support to her if you are living under a different roof.  You won't have to put up with crap, and she won't have cause to feel resentful.  Don't underestimate how liberating it can be (for both of you) to not be economically interdependent.

And, as Miss Morrigan pointed out in different words, someone can be poly and jealous at the same time.

(in reply to pettingdragons)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: what to do when a Mistress is bitter - 2/1/2008 4:57:34 AM   
TysGalilah


Posts: 589
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: offline 		Zara
 
  Sounds like some regrouping is needed at this time.  Reclaim yourself.  It sounds as if you have made your decisions but just don't know how to act on them without causing hurt feelings or upheaval .  Well who is worrying about hurting yours? No one.  And sometimes you have to be willing to shake things up to see what truly is floating around.  Kind of like a snow-globe..grinz.

Here is one idea:
  Move out. Live on your own a while.  Reclaim your independance before looking for another relationship  or for another relationship/person to define you once again.  You will see more clearly, from that vantage point, where your next path will be.
  Living where you are now and under these conditions are making you decide life choices under duress ...one shouldn't even buy a car in desperation, let alone choose a relationship path. 
 
  just my 2 cents..
 
I hope you keep safe and find happiness from within.

_____________________________

galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to Zaraseeks)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: what to do when a Mistress is bitter - 2/1/2008 5:02:11 AM   
Zaraseeks


Posts: 130
Joined: 9/5/2007
Status: offline 		Thanks so much Tys, I think you are right, and that is the plan, I need to be on my own a bit,  The lady I am talking to, its much more casual than this, and I am not big on defyning myself with partners, but still most be careful to not fall into that, and can see myself headed that way, so thanks for pointing this out, and thanks everyone think I can get some sleep now, too bad its time to start my day!
*hugs*

(in reply to TysGalilah)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: what to do when a Mistress is bitter - 2/1/2008 5:03:23 AM   
Zaraseeks


Posts: 130
Joined: 9/5/2007
Status: offline 		Thanks so much Red!!!  xoxoies

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: what to do when a Mistress is bitter - 2/1/2008 6:29:00 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		I think that the op has been given a lot of good advise. The problem is will she heed it. So many who post on here dont.

(in reply to Zaraseeks)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: what to do when a Mistress is bitter - 2/1/2008 7:01:09 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		Poly does not mean that you don't hurt when you break up or get jealous just that while you are in a relationship you are honest about the other relationships.

Your relationship as sub and dom is over, right?

The rules then changed.

My advice is to move on. In a few years you may be able to relate to each other in non-hostile ways but I wouldn't count on it.

This is actually something we'll have to confront legally when we move and Fox joins us in joint ownership of the next house. We'll need a clause in there about what we will do should we break up because we sure as hell won't be living together -- I know myself too well to think that would work.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Zaraseeks)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: what to do when a Mistress is bitter - 2/1/2008 7:18:12 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		Zara, i cant help noticing how many lovers you have and how many lovers she has.... i am not against poly, i think it can work when every one comunicates ect...

but we always partner with folks that mirror where we are emotionally on many levels, in fact it cant be any other way, and her need to have so many; a slave a master, a trainer, a husbad and mentor and now your X, seems to mirror your need to have so many dommes....and it it gives me pause for thought....i wonder if you see a pattern here? i wonder if you can see a sort of desperation of sorts?



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Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to Dnomyar)
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RE: what to do when a Mistress is bitter - 2/1/2008 9:29:53 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I stopped reading at, "She stopped taking her bipolar meds." It's at this point when you say, "I love you, but you are toxic for me," and leave.

Master Fire - Bipolar


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(in reply to Zaraseeks)
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RE: what to do when a Mistress is bitter - 2/1/2008 12:24:19 PM   
Zaraseeks


Posts: 130
Joined: 9/5/2007
Status: offline 		Dnomyar, I do not know where you get the idea I will not heed it, but you are very wrong...
Tammy, thanks so much!  Yes it is hard after we have broken up, I guess I saw us taking D/s out as us evolving into something else, I was wrong it seems
My Tigress!!  *grin* yes I think we have talked about this, I still hold true to my Dommes are mostly friends, as they do not control my life, or impose a will on me, period, and You know the exception to that, but to a degree You are right, I need to have a lot of people in my life, its figureing out where the line is for enjoying them and having to have them...You always force me to think and look at myself, thanks!
MasterFireMaam, Thanks, You are very very right, thats almost as simple as it is...I was thinking last night about a previous thread in which You spoke of toxic relationships, thanks!

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 20
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