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Do you ever get the feeling you're too eager? - 2/7/2008 11:36:36 AM

aidan

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It seems to be a pretty wide-spread trait in humans, that we want the things we seemingly can't have, or will have a hard time getting.

Now, I consider myself to be a good submissive for the most part. I like to play, I try to experience and experiment with new thing, and while I may be nervous about some BDSM activities that I haven't tried, but I work to overcome those worries and I generally find the things I do to be fun and enjoyable. I try to serve in useful and creative ways (when the opportunity presents itself in a relationship), and be entertaining and fun to be around amongst friends. I aim to please, so to speak.

A friend in chat last night said she was enjoying the "challenge" of a submissive whom she met that was playing hard-to-get. She's someone I've had a crush on for years and never seemed to woo, and listening to her last night was something of an eye-opener.

Do you, as a submissive, sometimes feel that you might be too "willing" or "eager", and that this might put some Dommes (or Doms) off? Not that you'll just kneel to the first person who tells you to, but that you might seem to want it too much?

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RE: Do you ever get the feeling you're too eager? - 2/7/2008 11:37:28 AM

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No.

If one cannot be happy alone,they will certainly not find it in another.

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RE: Do you ever get the feeling you're too eager? - 2/7/2008 11:41:41 AM

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quote:

Do you, as a submissive, sometimes feel that you might be too "willing" or "eager", and that this might put some Dommes (or Doms) off? Not that you'll just kneel to the first person who tells you to, but that you might seem to want it too much?

A bit working to get one is not bad...in "vanilla"life this happens too, not?
As Dom(mes) are human too..they might like it ...some might not...

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RE: Do you ever get the feeling you're too eager? - 2/7/2008 11:46:06 AM

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I'm too eager for some, but not for others. Hard-to-get doesn't appeal to Valyraen, but I can easily understand why it would appeal to others.

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RE: Do you ever get the feeling you're too eager? - 2/7/2008 11:50:34 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

No.

If one cannot be happy alone,they will certainly not find it in another.

I agree you have to be yourself or you have already hurt any potential relationship.

People are different and so are the things that draw and attract someone. Someone’s eagerness might be off putting to one and cool as hell to another. Someone’s aloofness might be seen as mature to one and jaded to another.

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RE: Do you ever get the feeling you're too eager? - 2/7/2008 11:53:27 AM

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i have been called a challenge by some, difficult by some, and just right by a very few. There is nothing wrong with being single, i think it helps me to examine who i am as a person, and what i am willing to accept and give a potential. i definitely do not consider myself too eager, if i were, i would not still be single after 4 years of being uncollared

More than anything be true to yourself, be happy with yourself, and there will be those that will see that in you, and be drawn to that. Whether or not another sees you as too eager is irrelevant, how you see yourself on the other hand is extremely relevant.

< Message edited by sweetwenchie -- 2/7/2008 11:58:09 AM >

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RE: Do you ever get the feeling you're too eager? - 2/7/2008 11:53:42 AM

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Opposite for me. I don't intentionally play hard-to-get but my philosophy is often "What's the rush?" so it probably comes off as a game of keep-away. I'm pretty eager to please in some respects, but I always try to keep my feet on the ground and things in perspective. I may want something a lot, but I'll be practical about that want, and how it can be achieved.

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RE: Do you ever get the feeling you're too eager? - 2/7/2008 12:13:47 PM

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For every person who enjoys the thrill of the chase, there is another person who plays hard to get. I don't fall into either category. When I found someone who struck my fancy, I acted on it. When it ended up working out, I went all in. I don't think that appeared in any way to be 'too anxious'.

Striking a balance between appearing too anxious or too coy is definitely an art form.

If I was out looking -- I'd rather wait, quite possibly alone, for who was right for me. Strategically patient and ever hopeful.

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RE: Do you ever get the feeling you're too eager? - 2/7/2008 12:43:54 PM

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being eager to please is a character trait of yours .... just like your sense of humour

some people do not click with someone elses sense of humour .. is that your fault? ... no ... should you beat yourself up for it ... no

find someone who does like your eagerness to please ... never settle .. always score!

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RE: Do you ever get the feeling you're too eager? - 2/7/2008 12:47:54 PM

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If I ever started to have that concern, I'd know immediately that either they aren't the right person for me, or I'm not ready for a serious relationship.

But of course, plenty of people worry that they need to change who they are to remain desireable.

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RE: Do you ever get the feeling you're too eager? - 2/7/2008 1:14:48 PM

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It sounds like some people in this thread are going with the notion of being honest always, being yourself, and avoiding what can be perceived as "game playing" when it comes to "being too easy," etc. But I think you have to separate bdsm relationships from other kinds of relationships in this area. This is all my own opnion though, so here goes.

I think MOST (many?) femdoms, on some level, are slightly predatory. I mean that in a good way. I think that they crave surrender on some level, not just blind submission. I think that when a submissive makes himself available or contacts a femdom, it's an obvious unstated fact that he is interested, on some level, in submitting to her. There's no reason to explain that, list out how it would happen, hint at it, or remind her that he is available for this. Submissive "posturing" can be a huge turn off when inappropriately presented in the courting stages of a relationship. I think most subs are MUCH more likely to have success if they "play hard to get." Does this mean going against your true nature? Well, maybe. But what it really means is not handing yourself over on a platter, and instead, waiting for her to make the predatory move.

Another aspect of this for me is a sense of challenge. A lot of subs think this means being a brat, being blatantly resistant, or being difficult because they think femdoms want to have to "work" for it. Nothing could be further from the truth, and nothing is more annoying than a sub who is being deliberately difficult, or a wiseass, or a brat, because he thinks that this is good button pushing during the courting process. To me, this just means not being easy -- not being so easy that every command or hint of a command is obeyed with an over the top sense of meek submission that it's lapped on way too thick. Perhaps other femdoms like this kind of "shot out of a cannon submissive" that postures so intensely, so blatantly, that it's - for lack of a better word - LOUD. I like sensual, soft, subtle surrender that comes in the form of honest submission laced with authentic *vulnerability*.

And that's the rub. How do you get submissive A, who is, indeed, "Shot out of a cannon", to tone it way down and understand that while his submission is hot - and yes, that's what she wants -- that on some level many dominants enjoy that vulnerability, hesitation, or even "thoughtfulness" about their helpessness -- not just balls-out submission.

Not sure if any of that made sense, and clearly, this is just my personal "kink" talking, but I haven't met many femdoms that like "instant submission" or the robotic "Yes Mistress No Mistress Anything you want Mistress" sub out of the gate during the courting process. But there' a lot of room between that end of the spectrum and the annoying brat syndrome that some subs think work -- as well as the, "I guess I am just too hard to dominate, most femdoms can't handle me." --- YAWN!

My key words: Authentic Vulnerability

That's what I want! I get a taste of that in the courting process and I'm smitten.

Akasha

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RE: Do you ever get the feeling you're too eager? - 2/7/2008 2:03:59 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
I think most subs are MUCH more likely to have success if they "play hard to get." Does this mean going against your true nature?

Not with me. Which is fine, but everything I hear other doms complain about problems in finding a male sub is everything my sub isn't.

quote:

Perhaps other femdoms like this kind of "shot out of a cannon submissive" that postures so intensely, so blatantly, that it's - for lack of a better word - LOUD. I like sensual, soft, subtle surrender that comes in the form of honest submission laced with authentic *vulnerability*.

Jeez, this sounds like what I mentioned in my "dom or gentleman" thread- women are so complicated and silly. You want this AND this, but not too much of THAT, and do it when I am feeling like it instinctually or the sub sucks.

quote:

And that's the rub. How do you get submissive A, who is, indeed, "Shot out of a cannon", to tone it way down and understand that while his submission is hot - and yes, that's what she wants -- that on some level many dominants enjoy that vulnerability, hesitation, or even "thoughtfulness" about their helpessness -- not just balls-out submission.

I don't. I let them know what REALLY works for me (not sending confusing or mixed signals), and they can either go with it or not.

I'm fine with instant submission, as long as we're talking actual submission and the person is being true to themselves.

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RE: Do you ever get the feeling you're too eager? - 2/7/2008 3:46:33 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: aidan

Do you, as a submissive, sometimes feel that you might be too "willing" or "eager", and that this might put some Dommes (or Doms) off? Not that you'll just kneel to the first person who tells you to, but that you might seem to want it too much?

It's difficult to hold up under the pressure of someone thinking you're the most amazing creature on the planet - it goes for all orientations really - if one does not return those feelings. It may be a case of not being hard-to-get but happy in him- or herself, which is what the attraction is.

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RE: Do you ever get the feeling you're too eager? - 2/7/2008 3:47:59 PM

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It's a common trait for people to pursue those who do not want them. The "conquer" part of the brain takes over. I've never understood it fully as I'm an upfront person and really don't play the hard to get game. I also appreciate partners who are like me.

Master Fire

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RE: Do you ever get the feeling you're too eager? - 2/7/2008 3:48:17 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
I think most subs are MUCH more likely to have success if they "play hard to get." Does this mean going against your true nature?

Not with me. Which is fine, but everything I hear other doms complain about problems in finding a male sub is everything my sub isn't.

quote:

Perhaps other femdoms like this kind of "shot out of a cannon submissive" that postures so intensely, so blatantly, that it's - for lack of a better word - LOUD. I like sensual, soft, subtle surrender that comes in the form of honest submission laced with authentic *vulnerability*.

Jeez, this sounds like what I mentioned in my "dom or gentleman" thread- women are so complicated and silly. You want this AND this, but not too much of THAT, and do it when I am feeling like it instinctually or the sub sucks.

quote:

And that's the rub. How do you get submissive A, who is, indeed, "Shot out of a cannon", to tone it way down and understand that while his submission is hot - and yes, that's what she wants -- that on some level many dominants enjoy that vulnerability, hesitation, or even "thoughtfulness" about their helpessness -- not just balls-out submission.

I don't. I let them know what REALLY works for me (not sending confusing or mixed signals), and they can either go with it or not.

I'm fine with instant submission, as long as we're talking actual submission and the person is being true to themselves.

I understand. But remember, we're talking about courting. So -- you have to figure this is the initial conversations and/or dates. Do you want a submissive that is already submitting to you and you know he really doesn't know who you are other than that you are kinky? I guess that kind of "instant obedience" might be attractive on some level. But I feel that on the one hand I do enjoy being the "huntress" and fishing out the surrender, and on top of that, I like to know he is submitting to me based on a comfort level and attraction that has built -- even if it's a few dates or interactions - not just instant, because of my orientation.

And having these expectations doesn't mean a femdom has to send mixed signals. If I like a guy and he's being pushy, I tell him. But when we are talking about courting, that's the stage where you decide if you are feeling chemistry or not. First impressions. That's what I mean.

Akasha

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RE: Do you ever get the feeling you're too eager? - 2/8/2008 8:24:42 AM

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When i had been talking to my Master for a while on the phone before meeting face to face he told me i was going to be his. I told him i don't know until i meet you face to face and even then i might need time to think about it. We met and had an instant connection we still talked for an hour before i said lets give this a try.

Was i too eager? Maybe, maybe not who's to say what is too eager. I liked him he liked me we connected. I did not want to play hard to get or any games i wanted him. 2 years later we are still going strong.

Matt's littleone

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RE: Do you ever get the feeling you're too eager? - 2/8/2008 9:15:11 AM

aidan

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For the record, I personally don't have a problem with the way that I am in these kind of social situations. I mean, we all have our days when we might feel down about ourselves, but I don't really worry 'bout it too much. Just thought I could get some catharsis while sparking some good discussion, and I'm pleased to see it did!

I agree with you Akasha, that in the courting process there's a wide specturm between (what I find to be) annoying brat and auto-kneel. I don't feel, at least, that I come off as being desperate and submitting to every woman who I'm interested in or shows interest in me.

What I refer to is the fact that when I like somebody, I want to submit to them. Not in a pushy, top-from-the-bottom way, but I flirt, I don't really hide my interest. Like Master Fire said, I'm pretty upfront in that respect. Playing hard-to-get just seems weird.

I understand fully the predatory aspects you refer to, Akasha. I enjoy being pursued too, I like being the prey. But I just feel, and this isn't directed at you or anybody in particular, that to sit around and wait for somebody to discover my diamond-in-the-rough self...Nah. You've got to give somebody a reason to be interested in you, if that makes any sense. Just how I feel.

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Do you ever get the feeling you're too eager? - 2/8/2008 11:01:18 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: aidan

For the record, I personally don't have a problem with the way that I am in these kind of social situations. I mean, we all have our days when we might feel down about ourselves, but I don't really worry 'bout it too much. Just thought I could get some catharsis while sparking some good discussion, and I'm pleased to see it did!

I agree with you Akasha, that in the courting process there's a wide specturm between (what I find to be) annoying brat and auto-kneel. I don't feel, at least, that I come off as being desperate and submitting to every woman who I'm interested in or shows interest in me.

What I refer to is the fact that when I like somebody, I want to submit to them. Not in a pushy, top-from-the-bottom way, but I flirt, I don't really hide my interest. Like Master Fire said, I'm pretty upfront in that respect. Playing hard-to-get just seems weird.

I understand fully the predatory aspects you refer to, Akasha. I enjoy being pursued too, I like being the prey. But I just feel, and this isn't directed at you or anybody in particular, that to sit around and wait for somebody to discover my diamond-in-the-rough self...Nah. You've got to give somebody a reason to be interested in you, if that makes any sense. Just how I feel.

Of course, I totaally understand. But you can still pursue, flirt, and court a woman without offering up your submission too readily/eagerly. You can get a person interested in you without submitting to them, or hinting at submitting -- just a few subtle clues is enough to work, and get more blatant if you need to, and I think most men have enough common sense to know when they are pushing it or being a little too blatant about it. It really works itself out, I believe, because the men that tend to push too hard, be too blatant, bring it up too often - those are the ones that really don't care that much if they turn the woman off, they just move to the next until someone says yes. I think when there's mutual attraction and courting is going on, most well rounded submissives have a pretty good sense of appropriate behavior if they are looking for more than casual play.

My question is - how do you let someone know when you are interested that you want to submit to them? What do you say or do? So much depends on how it is said, and what the follow up is. Some subs say it, then they say it again, then they give a reminder, then they think they need to clarify. That gets to be pushy. I don't think you do that -- but some do. That's what you have to be wary of.

Akasha

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RE: Do you ever get the feeling you're too eager? - 2/8/2008 11:51:18 AM

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I would say there's a difference between eagar and desperate. Most people who end up in a relationship with someone who's desperate are probably pretty desperate themselves. Eagar on the other hand can be a good quality if combined with confidence. Just be yourself and if someone would prefer a submissive who plays hard to get than you probably wouldn't be compatible anyway.

charlotte

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Do you ever get the feeling you're too eager? - 2/8/2008 12:40:34 PM

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I'm not interested in game playing like your friend is.

And what happens after he spends a night with her and she expects him to magically turn into ubersub while he expects her to continue to woo him?

Basically if he wants someone who acts in a different way than I do, who has different personality traits than I have, then he wouldn't want me. He'd want someone else with whom I shared some superficial characteristics and would inevitably be unhappy when I didn't turn into the fantasy in his mind but insisted on remaining who I am.

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