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Failure to connect - 9/24/2005 12:54:38 AM   
pinkpleasures


Posts: 1114
Status: offline 		*sigh* i just ended a relationship with a Man for a variety of reasons..it was totally online and phone..we never met, though He wanted me to come to Him. He said too many disturbing things and the picture He painted of what our lives would be like was very unappealing.

He found me originally on slavefarm.com, which i naievely wandered into and put up a profile. i think it's an ok site but He thought i had declared myself a slave just by being there.

He said two things that really bothered me: that disciplining a submissive woman or slave always involves corporal punishment; and that a woman gets her only pleasure from seeing her Dom or Master happy...her needs are unimportant.

He says if i do not understand this i do not belong on any BDSM site. That one i have heard before -- "you're not a real sub because you won't do x or y or z".

i am curious about how others view this Man's opinions? There is always corporal punishment? Her needs are fulfilled simply by satisfying the Dom?

pinkpleasures

< Message edited by pinkpleasures -- 9/24/2005 9:03:29 AM >

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RE: Failure to connect - 9/24/2005 2:27:25 AM   
themischievous1


Posts: 151
Joined: 4/3/2005
From: San Antonio, Texas
Status: offline
quote:

He said two things that really bothered me: that disciplining a submissive woman or slave always involves corperal punishment; and that a woman gets her only pleasure from seeing her Dom or Master happy...her needs are unimportant.


Hi pink,

I've heard the same thoughts expressed about a woman's pleasure from several knowledgable about M/s relationships. I'm not sure if it's a perspective claimed only by those interested in M/s, but I know this perspective is considered "the norm" for many Masters and their slaves. I find it extremely simplistic and utterly unrealistic -- for ME.

Personally, I believe I would enjoy a M/s relationship with the right Master down the road, but it wouldn't be with a Master who thinks as the one you quote does. I get much pleasure out of pursuing my dream career and can only imagine I'll be really stoked when I'm doing it licensed, full time, and professionally legit. It's been my goal, my dream, and my primary desire for many years now. "Serving a Master" does not come first for me nor would only that successfully meet my needs.

For me, with nearly 12 years sober, sobriety comes first, my higher power second, my child comes third, pets fourth, and I believe the realization of this dream career is next. Said Master is going to have to weigh in after these somewhere. ~shrug~ Some may say that ain't possible and that I'm seriously dreaming, but that's okay. The right Owner for me will relate and it'll all work out. He'll know just how to handle me and my priorities.

Frankly, I think this man of yours who got away may have a point -- in relation to what HE is seeking and needs only. Not all who desire or consider future slavery/property status need feel the same. Thank goodness.

Oh, I didn't respond to the corporal punishment part of what he said because that is so far out there that I don't feel like even addressing it ;)

mischie

(in reply to pinkpleasures)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Failure to connect - 9/24/2005 3:08:00 AM   
bj1960


Posts: 14
Joined: 8/6/2005
Status: offline
quote:

He said two things that really bothered me: that disciplining a submissive woman or slave always involves corperal punishment; and that a woman gets her only pleasure from seeing her Dom or Master happy...her needs are unimportant.


There are many types of discipline (sp?) not all are right for every subbie. We are as different as colours in the rambow. No two are alike and a "dom" who thinks we are all alike, is just wrong and this one sounds wrong for you.

There are many depths (sp?) of submission. Just because I have a deep seated NEED to be wholy domanated dosn't mean you do , but it also doesn't mean you are any less submissive than I am. Just that out needs are different.


Buck up you'll find the person you are seeking but this guy dons't sound like it.


BJ

< Message edited by bj1960 -- 9/24/2005 5:24:19 PM >

(in reply to themischievous1)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Failure to connect - 9/24/2005 3:37:21 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Better to be rid of the bastard now rather than later lass.

Sounds like he was hooked on beating bottoms. I've never heard of it before either but I haven't heard of everything either.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to bj1960)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Failure to connect - 9/24/2005 4:02:43 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		Sounds to me like you did what's best for you and I wholeheartedly support your choice and actions! I'm always advising people when dealing with strangers to follow their instincts and you've done that....

BDSM has all types searching for their ideal match and though I definitely disagree with his philosophies on punishment and a sub/slave's own needs, I don't actually have a problem with his reasoning or requirements. But ONLY as long as he's open and honest about them *before* attachments are formed and promises made!

Discipline and punishment are totally different dynamics to my mind. While discipline often has a physical pain factor, it's usally something short and sharp to focus the girl and generally enjoyable to both of us in ways unique to our respective Dom/sub mindset. Punishment is definitely NOT enjoyable to me and specifically excludes any form of D/s activity because I'm displeased with her. I punish her by not allowing her to please me - simple! Fortunately, punishment is something that may happen less than twice a year whereas discipline is a normal and enjoyable part of all interaction.

And ALL subs have personal needs and desires that have fair and reasonable expectations to be fulfilled. In theory, a sub can serve or please *anyone* but they seek out a Dom/me for a reason.... As a Dom, I feel obligated and responsible to meet her own needs as part of my right of ownership over her. I'm really not a God - I just happen to have something unique the sub in her needs and craves and in return, she equally has something unique the Dom in me needs and craves from a partner.

Anything less is abuse and is why I support your decision to punt him. Good for you in doing what I doubt he's remotely capable of - looking out for *your* safety and well-being!

Focus51.

(in reply to pinkpleasures)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Failure to connect - 9/24/2005 5:44:24 AM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkpleasures

He says if i do not understand this i do not belong on any BDSM site. That one i have heard before -- "you're not a real sub because you won't do x or y or z".


I suppose he would think I'm not a real dom. If so I hope he doesn't tell my publisher... or Libby [laugh]

quote:


i am curious about how others view this Man's opinions? There is always corperal punishment?


I'm sure people are sick of hearing this from me, but here it comes again. I don't punish. If a submissive does something that bothers me, I tell her and ask her not to do it again. If she does I reassess the relationship.

Now if someone wants to be hurt or I feel like doing a little hurting, I don't need no stinkn' badg.... er excuse




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www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to pinkpleasures)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Failure to connect - 9/24/2005 6:39:21 AM   
pinkpleasures


Posts: 1114
Status: offline
quote:

Better to be rid of the bastard now rather than later lass.

Sounds like he was hooked on beating bottoms. I've never heard of it before either but I haven't heard of everything either.

IronBear


i never felt about him the way i do about You..respect; trust; desire. But i am susceptible to attention, and he paid plenty. Still, i think You are right..next one at bat please, LOL.

pinkleasures

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RE: Failure to connect - 9/24/2005 6:43:00 AM   
lonewolf05


Posts: 830
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline 		dear pp......

"I" as a male slave,..with a domme in the same mindframe,...it is MY duty to serve Her....."I" have NO personal pleasures like MOST other people claim they-have-to-have.........

no romance
no sex
and corporal punishments

so uh,..you tell ME what you think of MY situation..

i am only..........ONLY domestics service..........

later girl

wolfie

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"there is no gravity, life sucks!"


(in reply to pinkpleasures)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Failure to connect - 9/24/2005 6:47:48 AM   
pinkpleasures


Posts: 1114
Status: offline
quote:

I'm sure people are sick of hearing this from me, but here it comes again. I don't punish. If a submissive does something that bothers me, I tell her and ask her not to do it again. If she does I reassess the relationship.

Now if someone wants to be hurt or I feel like doing a little hurting, I don't need no stinkn' badg.... er excuse

JohnWarren


Now that makes sense to me; if i have offended my Dom deeply He certainly should think twice about me...but my desire to serve is strong and i am new; i will make mistakes. So i hope and expect He'd instruct -- maybe more than once, depending -- and keep me.

"Discipline" as a form of play, mutually satisfying, is a new idea for me but i do like it.

Thank You Sir...and miss.

pinkpleasures

_____________________________



(in reply to JohnWarren)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Failure to connect - 9/24/2005 7:55:24 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkpleasures
i am curious about how others view this Man's opinions? There is always corperal punishment? Her needs are fulfilled simply by satisfying the Dom?

Are you REALLY questioning this? Are these SERIOUS questions you have after all this time on the boards?

And why did you choose to be in any sort of relationship with this person before you understood the expectations and situation you were committing to?

No punishment does not HAVE to be corporal, but perhaps for him that's the only thing he likes. No a slaves needs are NOT fulfilled solely by satisfying the dom (maybe once we figure out how to turn submsisive fuzzy feelings into protein and other nutritional elements we'll be closer to that).

And his response as a typical "one true wayer" such as "well if you don't agree, then you aren't who you say you are" shows that his views are likely untested in a real relationship thus far.

But I am seriously concerned here that you haven't figured out yet that this is about fulfilling yourself and knowing what works best for each individual?

(in reply to pinkpleasures)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Failure to connect - 9/24/2005 8:18:26 AM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline 		midear pink,

see, there's the same old trouble- that evil, evil term 'BDSM'. You were both using it, and likely, correctly for yourselves, but believing it meant the same thing to each of you.

quote:

that disciplining a submissive woman or slave always involves corperal punishment; and that a woman gets her only pleasure from seeing her Dom or Master happy...her needs are unimportant.


Well, I like hurting girls- any relationship that doesn't involve some work with pain is likely to leave me a little flat, but discipline need not be always about pain- I think it is more about tension (one hand holds a bridle, the other an apple- or perhaps more aptly, one holds a vibrator, the other holds the clamps<g>)

OTOH, I usually say my relationship goal is one in which she works to please me, and I work to care for her- but just as pleaseing me doesn't preclude caring for me, caring for her should include pleasing her.

Stay warm,
Lawrence


_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to pinkpleasures)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Failure to connect - 9/24/2005 8:44:33 AM   
pinkpleasures


Posts: 1114
Status: offline
quote:

dear pp......

"I" as a male slave,..with a domme in the same mindframe,...it is MY duty to serve Her....."I" have NO personal pleasures like MOST other people claim they-have-to-have.........

no romance
no sex
and corporal punishments

so uh,..you tell ME what you think of MY situation..

i am only..........ONLY domestics service..........

later girl

lonewolf05


Sweet Man..if you are happy i am happy. If ever you are not happy, and need a friend, i am here, nonjudgmental, and loving.

pinkpleasures

_____________________________



(in reply to lonewolf05)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Failure to connect - 9/24/2005 8:47:29 AM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkpleasures

*sigh* i just ended a relationship with a Man for a variety of reasons..it was totally online and phone..we never met, though He wanted me to come to Him.

He said two things that really bothered me: that disciplining a submissive woman or slave always involves corperal punishment; and that a woman gets her only pleasure from seeing her Dom or Master happy...her needs are unimportant.

i am curious about how others view this Man's opinions? There is always corperal punishment? Her needs are fulfilled simply by satisfying the Dom?

pinkpleasures


I'm at a loss as to how anyone can have a "relationship" with someone they've never met in person, but OK...

This guy sounds like he's a bit confused as to what makes people tick. It's not the slave's NEEDS that do not matter. Needs MUST be fulfilled in order to maintain any semblance of a healthy relationship. It's the WANTS that can be ignored. However, I think most dominants will tell you that ignoring a slave's wants all the time can result in one very unhappy slave who will soon be off to find someone who can balance their own desires with those of their slave and occasionally grant that slave a wish or desire.

As for punishment... IF it works in your relationship, it doesn't always have to be corporal punishment. Sounds to me like the guy's just needing an excuse to beat someone's ass. Around here, Master doesn't need a reason to spank me. In fact, I'd rather He did it because He can... NOT because I've done something wrong.

Many people don't believe in punishment. For us, the punishment is more for me than it is for Him. I have a tendency to beat myself up emotionally when I've made a mistake or disappointed Him in any way, and I have trouble granting myself forgiveness. A physical punishment lets me know that A) He has forgiven me and we're OK, and B) I can now forgive myself and let it go.

Denise
the Kaptin's wench

(in reply to pinkpleasures)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Failure to connect - 9/24/2005 8:49:41 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		Personally I don't like corporeal punishement but I 'm a sadist and I don't want to taint what I enjoy. And I think a punishment should be unpleasant for everyone involved. My job, afterall, was to train this person to serve me. If they keep failing then either I didn't train well or I shouldn't keep them in service.

My needs and desires do come first in my Ds -- I am the dominant, not a service top. But my slave's desires and needs are also important. Part of this is how he and are I wired -- we both believe in the idea that his primary happiness comes from serving and care for me. If that wasn't the case, we wouldn't be together. Part of it is that I actually like seeing others happy, I'm one those people who enjoys gift shopping and giving to others as much as receiving.

All of this aside I'm going to set myself up to be flamed and say that someone who gives anyone this "there is only one true way" BS is probably feeling very insecure about themselves. They aren't strong enough and sure enough to just be, they have to try and force others to be the same way so they can feel important and justified.

I think, pinkpleasures, that this guy did you a big favor by telling you all of this. It saved you a lot of time in the future if he'd lied or pretended to think otherwise.

< Message edited by thetammyjo -- 9/24/2005 8:53:32 AM >

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Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to pinkpleasures)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Failure to connect - 9/24/2005 9:09:13 AM   
pinkpleasures


Posts: 1114
Status: offline 		i did not date this guy...we emailed and spoke on the phone daily. The next step would have been to speak to him exclusively; then to meet him in real life. So perhaps it's a relationship and perhaps it is not. To me, that was not the question...the question was whether to allow this to go any further. i appreciate the answers.

pinkpleasures

< Message edited by pinkpleasures -- 9/25/2005 12:20:51 PM >

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RE: Failure to connect - 9/24/2005 10:15:35 AM   
Misstoyou


Posts: 1149
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkpleasures

i am curious about how others view this Man's opinions? There is always corporal punishment? Her needs are fulfilled simply by satisfying the Dom?

pinkpleasures


"One size fits all" never works in any relationship. (Oops! And I have just finished teaching my freshmen to avoid absolutes in their writing. )

_____________________________

~ Miss Marie

a.k.a. "mean Lady"


(in reply to pinkpleasures)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Failure to connect - 9/24/2005 10:22:12 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkpleasures

i did not date this guy...we emailed and spoke on the phone daily. The next step would have been to speak to him exclusively; then to meet himin real life. So perhaps it's a relationship and perhaps it is not. To me, that was not the question...the question was whether to allow this to go any further. i appreciate the answers.

pinkpleasures


I didn't mean to imply that you dated -- only that by his being honest he saved you time and energy before anything more happened.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to pinkpleasures)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Failure to connect - 9/24/2005 10:25:41 AM   
FTopinMichigan


Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline 		pinkpleasures, I think I'll refrain from answering, as many others have posted how I feel on the topic.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evanesce

Denise
the Kaptin's wench[/color]


Denise, I'm so happy to see you posting in this forum. I so love to read your opinion's...especially the strong ones!

K - AKA ftopindetroit, from the MI group

(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Failure to connect - 9/24/2005 10:47:50 AM   
Halifaxslave


Posts: 32
Joined: 7/16/2005
Status: offline 		In BDSM there is no ideal way you should be.

I was turned down by a local woman who said she does no play with switches. Sometimes us switches are seen as nasty horny things that know nothing about "true" BDSM. Run away from anyone who uses the word "true" in such a condacending context. As a BDSMer I do not switch with the same person, it is either Dom or sub. Some of you may switch with the same person and there is nothing wrong with that...I just need to be in one role per person.

BDSM is a relationship like any other. We have relationships based on religion, friendship, common intrests, and sex. Any relationship is about BOTH people getting something out of it. If you get your jollies by doing everything for the other person with no thought to you own desires, well then you are still getting something right?

There is a complete difference between a sub/slave getting what s/he needs, and a sub/slave topping from below. The problem is that they can both look the same and it takes time for a Dom to figure it out. The best way to prevent this misunderstanding is for the Dom to find out the needs and expectations of the sub from the beginning and having regular times where the sub can speak their mind in a non-roleplay manner.

Forget all this "true sub" bullcrap, the fact that you, the sub, can end the relationship shows that both parties are equal.

A Dom is a guide, he can steer the sub into excepting new levels of submission, new fetishes, and new desires. The sub though is the one in control with the use of one little word...

(in reply to FTopinMichigan)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Failure to connect - 9/24/2005 10:53:48 AM   
ChereeAmoor


Posts: 185
Joined: 8/1/2005
Status: offline 		Dear Pinkpleasures,
here is my reaction to this "Dom" and his statements:

ahhh ha ha ha ha ha
ahhh ha ha ha ha ha

*gasps for breath*

ahhh ha ha ha ha ha

Sincerely,
ChereeAmoor

P.S. ahh ha ha ha

(in reply to pinkpleasures)
Profile   Post #: 20
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