RE: Collar Ideals? (Full Version)

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LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Collar Ideals? (3/7/2008 10:54:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs
Similar to what everyone else has said it doesn't sound like she values the collar.  Perhaps she doesn't deserve a collar then?

C~

I don't see those two relating.  That's like when a girl wants something from a guy and he says no, then the girl says "Well he wasn't good enough for me anyway."

They are both in this collar thing together.



LadyPact -> RE: Collar Ideals? (3/7/2008 11:03:33 AM)

My boy has two collars.  One for every day wear and another that is more formal.  The only time he doesn't wear one is when he is wearing the leather one at home and he needs to have it taken off to shower.  Other than some kind of extreme circumstance, such as a medical emergency, he knows he isn't permitted to take it off.  Before I ever put it on him the first time, it was explained to him what the symbol meant to Me, and what him taking it off would signify.



wideeyedgirl -> RE: Collar Ideals? (3/7/2008 11:51:50 AM)

*fast reply* I was cringing while I read the OPs post..
This girl totally sounds disobediant, bratty and petculant.

But one needs to understand her motives before (hopefully) reacting.

Why does she not wear the collar? is it physically uncomfy? Some people just dont like something contricting (I for example, cant stand to wear turtlenecks..) or is too loose? getting in the way at work? The last line about it being fine to wear at lifestyle events tho..its having me rule out that stuff.

What is the dynamic between you both? full time? is she "out" ? maybe its hard to explain to friends and family, or a husband?

You need to know why. And if she doesnt have a 'why' maybe she is doing it on purpose to get attention? Positive or negative is still attention........

Motives are important, discuss hers. Reinterate the problem in your eyes to her. Set consquences. Man up :)

I know personally my work field..I couldnt wear a collar like I love (eternity ones). I deal with violent dangerous pts, or run into burning buildings. Neadless to say a metal ring around my neck in a fire is just asking for a major dangerous problem. Or if on the ambulance - it can be dangerous when one-on-one with combative pts. We are only allowed at work (dress code) a thin, breakable necklace that if someone would grab - it would break easily. So with that in mind..any Dominant looking to do that route with me..would need to be understanding of my limitations and not request something of that ilk while at work.



Asstrospy -> RE: Collar Ideals? (3/7/2008 12:07:24 PM)

 I've been in a 24/7 BDSM relationship for the past 4 months. I chose a stainless steel collar with a small hex screw for my sub/slave. Only under life threatening circumstances will my collar ever leave my partner's neck. My sub/slave wears my collar with pride and says the heavy restrictiveness of the collar is like my hands around her neck guiding her in everything that she does.

Every BDSM relationship is different and one size does not fit all.  So here are some points to think about when you customize your relationship.
-Know your partner.
-Know your hard limits when compromising.
-Set rules and punishments with the above in mind. (Mine are written down)
    Note: Rules and punishments will change as you and your relationship changes.
-Be fair and consistent as you train and guide your partner.



Wildfleurs -> RE: Collar Ideals? (3/7/2008 12:07:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs
Similar to what everyone else has said it doesn't sound like she values the collar.  Perhaps she doesn't deserve a collar then?

C~

I don't see those two relating.  That's like when a girl wants something from a guy and he says no, then the girl says "Well he wasn't good enough for me anyway."

They are both in this collar thing together.


To me it only seems like one of them is in this collar thing right now, which seems pretty pointless.

C~



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Collar Ideals? (3/7/2008 12:08:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs
To me it only seems like one of them is in this collar thing right now, which seems pretty pointless.

C~

But he's accepting her behavior, so he's saying it's ok so far and involved. 

Pointless?  Probably, but that's not the same as deserving.  I haven't really seen any evidence to show either of them deserves more or less than what they are giving and getting from eachother.



phoenixinchains -> RE: Collar Ideals? (3/7/2008 12:14:56 PM)

to quote myself from another thread; "jewerly can always be taken off, ink takes committment,"
[:D]



DesFIP -> RE: Collar Ideals? (3/7/2008 1:18:52 PM)

Just because it's loose doesn't mean it's comfortable. I'm getting the feeling it's leather do to that comment about issues wearing it in public. Leather is usually extremely stiff when new, and even if she can breathe, she will still feel the hard edges rubbing. Plus if the buckle has nickle, that can be enough to set off a metal allergy.

Why not get her input into a 24/7 one. I have a leather one for play should he feel like it, and a necklace that doesn't irritate for daily. Actually the necklace was a little uncomfortable, so I now wear a 3" necklace extender on it. Much better like this. And no nickle in it so I actually can wear it.

Assuming there are no relationship issues, which of course require resolution first, just accept the fact that the one you bought doesn't work for her and try something else.



Carrera23 -> RE: Collar Ideals? (3/7/2008 1:30:47 PM)

My Master had feelings like most of the Doms here, he likes me to wear His collar when we are together. When I first got my collar, it was a very simple plain black leather collar from (don't laugh) Wal-Mart. [:)] It was folded up to a cardboard backing so it had lots of kinks into it which made it horriable to wear! I hated the thing, but still beared with it because I knew it was was my Master wanted. Maybe a month after that I asked to go buy a new collar. Again, went to wal-mart, lol, and got a nylon black collar with jewels on it. (These of couse are all temp collars for us, kinda a tight budget right now.) I endded up having to poke a hole threw the jewels to make it fight tight on my neck. I endded up loving this collar so much that it has just kinda stuck. It has made me so happy to wear His collar that I had even started wearing it in my sleep. That was a little worry-some for my Master because he was scared I was going to choke myself while I slept. So I endded up even poking a hole further down to make it loose for while I sleep.

This past weekend, He wanted me to wear my collar out to dinner. I was dressed somewhat nice, so even with a collar of jewels, it still looked nice. Personally, I like what some of you have said about jewlery chokers for public, thats a nice twist that people wont look at you odd and still you both know what it is about. (Makes a mental note to tell her Master...) But for every day kinda stuff and wearing my collar out, I started wearing a very old leather kind of collar that He bought be back when I was a teenager and we were first dating. (I guess that should have been red flag number one for me what kinda life style we were going to grow to.) All it is is a small slim black leather with small pyramid studs on it.

But I believe it is all what the two people together have decied to do. And remember, girls will be girls, and like to change there minds all the time. Like the one person said about how His girl will change her mind about the chokers all the time. Thats my two cents, hope it helps!



SailingBum -> RE: Collar Ideals? (3/7/2008 1:35:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedHotAndSoSexy

A wedding ring is far more acceptable in modern society than a visible collar, at least in my world.

But to each his or her own need for validation.


Well damn that makes perfect sense.  Smacks forehead just keep doing what everyone else is doing just because there are doing it. Why didn't I think of that???  I see by your nick that you need constant validation of who YOU think YOU are.  Looks like the pot calling the kettle black.  Go figure.

BadOne



lytehaze -> RE: Collar Ideals? (3/7/2008 4:01:44 PM)

I am curious as to the reason for her discomfort. Is it a skin allergy, an inappropriate weight, maybe there's an unfinished edge to the metal or a particularly annoying knot in the leather (clear nail polish will clear that right up) who knows since the actual collar description isn't available. But if it is a real physical issue, not mental, the proper protocol is to... fix it.

If it is a mental/social issue, then why? Is she scared the vanilla world would take note? You could try a less obvious collar: a simple leather belt chocker, a plain chain with a symbolic pendant like a key or padlock, single large gauge wire, etc.  If the problem is necklaces, try branching into something else. The symbolism can be just as powerful: a tiffany style heart bracelet, a bracelet made from handcuffs, just engraving something meaningful, http://www.walshbrothers.co.uk/Update/buckle_rings.htm 
http://british-jewellery.co.uk/productdetails-rings.asp?ProductID=254&ProcessType=6
http://www.personalizedboutique.com/Envelope-Lockets.htm
Well there really are too many options to have even started a list. The real issue for me is the why.

But I will say regarding her forgetting to wear it: perhaps a collar you control/lock and she can't remove would be in order until she remembers. If it's a memory thing, after a while she'll feel odd without it.

Proper protocol to me would be understanding her issue.



TracyTaken -> RE: Collar Ideals? (3/7/2008 5:57:25 PM)

I have three collars.  One is uncomfortable - heavy and such.  I wear it for play (usually with other restraints).  He bought it online.

The second is okay.  Lighter weight.  It has a little chain that jangles.  It's my least favorite (and was also bought online).  But since much of our stuff is in storage right now, I've been happy to wear it a few nights.

The third is beautiful.  It's a work of black leather and titanium in a triangular shape.  He bought it when we were attending a BDSM event.  It was probably the 20th we looked at and sixth he had me try on.  I love it and would wear it all the time if I could (in the vanilla world).  It's the most vanilla of the three, but at my age looking vanilla in black leather is a stretch.

I am not required to wear a collar unless he says, "Go get ..."  I wear the third whenever I can.  The difference is that he picked it out as being especially fitting for me, and it reminds me of the wonderful time we had at that event.  [:)]

I have a wedding ring too, and if it were missing, he'd spot it in a heartbeat.  I don't wear it on my ring finger though.

There is a lot written about the collar is "his" in these forums.  I feel like all my collars are mine, but they'll never be not his.  My wedding ring is mine too.  The difference is that he found *that* collar particularly suited me, and it reminds me of the great time we had together.  Maybe your wife would be delighted to wear a collar found under similar circumstance.

This is a joke (kinda):

"She's not *just* a wench.  She's your wife!"  (skewing the script from Princess Bride)  [:)]

Good luck to you both!



TreasureKY -> RE: Collar Ideals? (3/7/2008 6:23:33 PM)

It really doesn't matter what anyone else expects or considers proper.  What matters is what you want and what you and your wife agree to.  If you can't come to a mutual understanding, then you have to decide what it is that you consider more important... the relationship or some physical manifestation of that relationship?

And yes, I would feel the same way about a wedding ring.  While it symbolizes something very special, if it is uncomfortable or inappropriate to wear it all the time, leaving it off doesn't change the marriage.



MaamJay -> RE: Collar Ideals? (3/7/2008 6:54:03 PM)

IF it's a physical problem, and not everyone can handle something round their neck all the time, consider alternatives. It's hot here in Australia and while i have a black and purple leather collar with an amethyst which i adore, as well as a pretty jewelled purple nylon dog collar and matching leash ... either of them were too hot to wear all the time. When it came to a permanent collar, Master and i chose a silver identity bracelet. W/we designed it O/ourselves, it has v[A] in the centre in gold and it really wasn't too expensive to have a jeweller make. i can wear it all the time with no problems at all, either physically or causing undue attention from vanillas (i have an academic career).

In earlier times, My Domme side collared My hubby. He hates things on his hands or neck, when we married, he had a pocket watch not a wedding ring. For a collar, he opted for a gold anklet, set with an opal we bought on a trip to Coober Pedy. Same jeweller, not too expensive! We tested out that he could stand wearing an anklet before we ordered the real one with a cheap silver one bought from Avon! It was non-obtrusive in the vanilla world, but always on, except when he was racing motorbikes (no jewellery permitted then).

So if it's a physical issue ... think outside the square! However, her attitude doesn't sound encouraging, I am inclined to think it is more of a psychological issue. Good luck to the OP in sorting this out.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]



TracyTaken -> RE: Collar Ideals? (3/7/2008 7:06:55 PM)

I loved all this.  Especially the pocket watch.  Funny what sends someone.  [:)]



MaamJay -> RE: Collar Ideals? (3/7/2008 8:10:40 PM)

LOL well the watch surprised a few people at the time. But really, it's a matter of giving a token ... society has become hung up on rings. I love them (wearing 9 presently!) ... he hated them. But still, the biggest surprise for most of the people at that wedding was that I entered on the arm of My first hubby who had asked very politely to give Me away. My 2nd to be hubby knew of course, but most of the guests didn't [;)] There is one classic wedding photo of Me with a hubby on each side ...

Maam Jay aka violet[A]



ShellyD -> RE: Collar Ideals? (3/7/2008 10:13:26 PM)

I had some serious comfort issues with wearing a collar, I have neck problems and anything in contact with my neck makes it spasm more. Unfortunately my master at the time saw it as a psychological problem that I could 'overcome' if I really wanted to, I couldn't and rarely even wear a necklace for more than a few hours. When I think of the hundreds of hours I was physically uncomfortable while trying to 'overcome', I kick myself.



jocelyn -> RE: Collar Ideals? (3/7/2008 10:40:33 PM)

For the first year or so I wore a medium width dog collar with a tag while at home. I had to keep it on a hook just inside the door so I wouldn't forget to put it on, but Master was fairly gentle reminding me when I forgot. We'd talked about a permanent collar for quite a while, though, and on Valentine's day He presented me with the one he'd ordered. He chose a heavy, linked collar that attaches with a tool and can't fall off. It's nice in that it passes well in the vanilla world and is immediately recognizable when we're among fellow D/s friends.

Measure carefully, consider comfort and style, and do your research on the web. I love my collar and will share the source if anyone's curious. (I can't remember if there are standards about posting commercial sites here on the boards...)

jocelyn



robertolapiedra -> RE: Collar Ideals? (3/8/2008 11:56:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AndisDaddy

My wife/sub and I recently acquired a collar for her, yet she claims it's uncomfortable (it's worn loose), has misplaced it, and forgets to wear it when she knows I'd prefer her to. I have tried both positive and negative re-enforcement, and we have settled her issues with wearing it in view of the vanilla public, yet my expectations are not being met, even having reasonably lowered them. I was wondering what the lifestyle community at large considers "proper" collar etiquette, what a Dom/Daddydom should expect, and how the submissive would better learn to please in that regard. She has no problem wearing it to lifestyle functions, and no other problems with my control.


Hello AndisDaddy. Although this is a very personal individual taste issue I would like to simplify things for you if I can.

1- Do you want your wife/sub to wear a collar that she finds uncomfortable, forgets to wear and misplaces it.
2- Do you want your wife/sub to wear a collar she enjoys wearing in the instances you want.
3- It is your intent to have your wife wear a collar that purposely has some degree of discomfort.
4- Is it your intent to have your wife  wear a comfortable collar.

In my case there are 4 types of collar. Initiation, training, scening and daily life.
-The initiation collar can be anything, it is just a light and loose leather thong with a square knot (cheap!). I use this for newbie sub starting out. This is ultra comfortable and cannot be confused with jewelry. It is humble for an humble sub. It serves to remind that things are different now and evolving toward different levels of submission, deference and obedience.
-The training collar is custom made. It is for training in BDSM. It is wide, thick, rigid, unyielding and severe. It is made that way on purpose and makes for a good contrast with the initiation collar (or temporary collar if you wish). It is uncomfortable because I want it so.
-The scening collar is a stainless steel type ring collar. It is heavy (discomfort) and smooth (comfort) and used in scening unless I request otherwise. It is comfortable because I want it to but I can add "discomfort" by simply not permitting a collar change for a few hours or days.
-The daily life collar is a silver choker of the best quality and design. It is 100% comfortable and is required at all times like a wedding ring. It is taken off only for sleep. My sub loves this collar for it's comfort.

To wear other jewelry for occasions my sub asks for permission. I say yes most of the time (I said no only once in seven years because of behaviour/attitude problems).

When I have problems with communication, I take out the training collar (not used for training anymore as it was used in the first year or so) and set it on my desk at home. You see, my intent was for her to never get comfortable with this collar as I can make her ware it for punishment (which I did only once for a few long hours on a very hot day). Now I only need to leave it lying around for the exact same corrective result.

Collars can be symbols, tools, decorative anything "you" like. If she does not like it it is up to you to figure out if it is to be "managed" by you, your sub/wife or the both of you together with compromise.

Hope this helped. RL






MissMenagerie -> RE: Collar Ideals? (3/9/2008 4:02:42 AM)

I reccommend starting over on this collar issue...get a new collar, present it as a gift with terms, and if it works for both of you, LOCK the damn thing.
I personally have one, all-purpose, simple black leather dog collar from Blue Seal, presented to me as a gift. I can't put it on or take it off myself, and I can't leave the house without it. If I have to leave and Grinn isn't home, I carry it in my pocket. I was asked to take it off at work and had to politely refuse, explaining that it was like a wedding ring. In a fairly short time, and with gentle training, I am physically incapable of doing other than He expressed his wishes.
In short, it can be done! 



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