sleazybutterfly
Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Kalista07
quote:
How come I am being punished for something that happened to me as a child some twenty years later?
i understand why and how it would feel that way. The reality is until we deal with the wreckage of our past, we are doomed to continue to be judged by it. When we are able to walk past it, we will find that we are truly free. Actually I have dealt with it. I had therapy a few years ago that helped me a lot. It showed me that I hadn't dealt with everything I thought I had, and since then I have been able to not only move on from it, but cope with things in my life as they come up in a better way.
quote:
How can I ever move on from seeing myself as a victim and move on with my life if others won't let me? My experience is once i was willing to move past being a victim i moved into being a survivor...Then eventually a thriver. Many people get stuck in the survivor mode, and are unable or unwilling to move into the next stage. I am not sure I could thrive anymore than I am now. I am happily married to a wonderful man, I have went back to school, and I am ready to get rid of the extra weight and take back my health also.
quote:
How can anyone make a decision on what you can and can't do based on a one minute conversation?
They can not do it fairly. Although, to be honest if you are still struggling with an eating disorder this process was probably doomed from the beginning. i'm sorry that they made this decision and i do think 10 years is an awfully long time, but it is possible. i believe in you. I am not struggling with the bulimia anymore. I don't even have the desire to go back to it at all. I had a health scare (I had already quit before this), where I thought I had totally ruined my body by the abuse. That was a huge wake up call if nothing else had been. I now have not even one lil part of me that wants to go back to trying to live that way again...I was miserable.
quote:
What woman in the world doesn't have any issues with her mom, even if she loves her mom to pieces?
Women who's mothers were there for them physically, emotionally, safely. Women who's mothers kept them safe..Our problem is, we are way too much alike  She took ill a little over a year ago and has since moved in with us. So....you have two women that are totally alike surviving under one roof 365 days a year, some issues are going to come up.
quote:
What makes anyone think that by NOT letting me in the program, they are helping me not be bulimic again? Hello..I was trying to do it right this time, but I guess that's not allowed.
You are more than likely going to hate me and think i'm the world's biggest hypocrite for this, but the eating disorder has very little to do with food and weight...And until you come to terms with this no *program* is going to be healthy for you, unless it's one that's willing to help you with the past abuse along side this. When I started being bulimic, it had everything to do with the weight. I had met this wonderful person, and I wanted nothing more than to be thin for them. As far as being past the abuse, it seems I am the only one that is past it...it's others that keep reminding me of it.
quote:
Why am I being punished for being honest? I could have easily lied and not told them anything about myself or my life.
i certainly do not mean to be harsh or mean, however do You think You really could have successfully *lied* to them? Really? Because most owmen who struggle with bullimia have many physical indicators as well.I could have lied easily. By looking at me, no one would even have a clue. It's not a current struggle, so I don't have any of the symptoms or carry myself in a way that would point that it ever existed. I just have this truth gene that comes out, and I try to always be upfront.
quote:
What gives anyone the right to remind me of my past, when I have moved on with my life and have it all coming together?
i hate to tell You this, but i don't really think they have to work very hard to remind you of it... If you are continuing to deal with the eating disorder, it is not truly *behind* you... There were three questions that existed on that paper that apply to me. They were... have you ever been sexually abused?, have you ever been raped?, and have you ever binged and purged? ...I answered them honestly, not knowing they would use them against me later. That silly truth gene again.
quote:
Why is it so hard to believe that someone can actually get over a disorder without paying thousands in therapy? I told her I prayed a lot, I leaned on my faith, and I just decided it was time. I guess that didn't make sense to her, after all...how could anyone possibly do anything without their help???
i dont think it was about that exactly, although she probably did not do a good job describing what it is about. It's probably more about the fact that they need to protect themself (from lawsuits) and the only way to do so is to have someone give them documentation of the work they've done. Because she had suffered from an ED...she applied her life to mine. That's exactly how she told me. I told her about my therapy and things that I had done in order to not have the ED anymore, plus offered to attend it again during the program just in case.
quote:
Why out of the three people involved in this whole scenario *the abuser, the rapist, and myself* am I the one being punished???
i know it feels that way...God knows i do know...The reality (as ugly as it is) is that You are the one who is important. You are the one who needs to heal. You are the one who deserves forgiveness...You are the one who deserves wonderful things in her life. Thank you. I do believe this. I have forgiven them, and I have forgiven myself. Although I didn't do anything as a child, I did make a stupid choice as an adult. I have had to forgive myself for that in order to move on in any way. It wasn't easy, but it did happen.
quote:
Honestly, how dare someone put this things back into my life when I have taken them out of it for good. How dare someone make me into that frightened lil girl, or that attacked woman that I once was.
i know this is not what you want to hear, but if they were so easily able to 'bring it back into your life' it tells me you had not necessarily dealt with it. i know none of this is what You want to hear..And believe me when i tell You i can totally relate to the anger, rage, feelings of being betrayed, judged, punished and kept down...i can relate. But, let me ask you this..These feelings...Are they familiar? Are they the 'feelings' you experienced then? i beg you to find a way to move into the survivor mode so that you can move into the thriver mode. It was honestly only brought back up because they brought it up. When I wrote that on the paperwork, it was just an answer to what they wanted to know. I had no thought that they would try to make it an issue in my life again. I think that shows how far I have been able to come from it. It was an incident, it happened, and although it's taken time.....I am okay.
*big hugs to You*
Kali
I just didn't go into all of the details in my post, and I still haven't gotten all into the convo that she and I had.
I told her my reasons for doing this, and why I think it's the right program. The only problem she had with anything about me was an ED I was over quite awhile ago..and she had that decided before I even walked in the door. Ten years out, or no program...end of story. Not everyone's life is as cut and dry as they try to make it, so for them to go across the board like that isn't the correct way to do things. If I had actually been judged upon our conversation, it would be different, I could probably accept it much easier. I was only judged by a number, and I am much more than a number.
Hugs back..hope you are feeling better.
_____________________________
~Flutterby
~Curvylicious Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.
|
RE: I hate it when........ - 
Profile
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread