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lilsubl -> RE: I hate it when........ (9/29/2008 11:22:21 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: BlackPhx
Our Abusers don't need to be in the room with us, we carry them with us wherever they go and we hear their voices constantly. I know I hear the judgments of my parents every time I look in a mirror, and there are times that I will admit I don't complete things or reach for things because I can still hear them telling me how much of an embarrassment I am, how I will never be good for anything except cleaning and breeding even while demanding that I get nothing less than A's in school, be popular without allowing me friends, be erudite and well spoken while denying me the right to speak without permission.
At age 55 I still hear their voices, sometimes a lot louder than Masters, or yours, or my own saying I have value. I still have trouble believing he loves me, and the Lords and Ladies are the only ones who know how he can manage with a wife who is all but neuter as far as sexual desire goes. For me the emotional is far more satisfying than the bumping of uglies and I would prefer the whip to the vibrator (though I have one that allows me to finish in 5 seconds when needed). I digress.
I determined to raise my UMs in a healthy manner and as far from the way I had been raised. I did a pretty decent job of it, and without a good example to go from. My secret? I listened to them and treated them as individuals, encouraging them to reach for things others said they would never achieve. My oldest never slept more than 2 hours a night in his life, on massive doses of ritalin he was hyper at the level most kids are diagnosed and teachers wrote him off academically, he is now a Programmer handles Data Security for a Bank. You are doing a fantastic job as well. You listen to your Things 1 and 2, stand firm when they explode out of control or become temperamental and encourage them to rise above and beyond what others would limit them to. No "Thing" could as for more from a parent. Meanwhile don't forget to parent yourself, give yourself the same permissions and encouragements you give them. Look to see where things are coming from and WHOSE voice you are actually hearing, then place a value on that voice. YOURS should have the highest value..all others should be less than that (yes even Masters) and the negative voices..given no value at all.. Zero, Zip, Zilch. Ok I said yours should have the highest value but it is the one you hear telling you negative things or that you are not doing everything you can..right? WRONG.. If you listen closely you will hear the subtle difference, it's not your voice, it is someone elses disguising itself as yours. An Impersonator. If you listen closely you will know whose voice it actually is and begin to ignore it. I recognize my Negative voices from the past, I don't always win against them (see above) but at least I know who and where they come from and can try to move past them..sometimes it takes help, but it can be done and I do it daily.
poenkittten
i know these voices well...at the ripe old age of 40, i found the most incredible hypnotherapist who made most of those voices become silent...from that time on, i've been very very close to my sister & i no longer hear those voices...however, there were some whose voices i neglected to deal with & those haunt me...sometimes, i am able to recall the work i did before & silence them as they occur...other days, i hear them coming from Daddy's mouth & i try to run from them by running from him...*again*...so far, he hasn't let me go, but if i can't stop this, one day he probably will & i hate the thought that someday i will really be without him in my world.....
edited to add: i too made the decision to stop the cycle with my daughter...i think i did that fairly well, since she is a most incredible woman now, smart, accomplished & loving, not to mention one of the funniest senses of humor on earth...one time we were talking & she asked me if we had been poor while she was growing up...we actually had been so poor that there were times that there was only enough food to feed her & none for me...when she asked that question, i realized what a good thing i had done...i believed that she should only have to deal with childhood stuff & not the adult things like financial worries...yay me!! [:D]
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