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DS4DUMMIES -> RE: For men: how to find a woman here (3/22/2008 6:20:17 AM)
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Stephann, your advice certainly resonates well as evidenced by the number of folks who said that essentially they would learn from it and improve their methods. But it is because it resonates so well, that I'm going to play devil's advocate here and take the position that while this was a wonderfully written post with an apparent good message - there is a very substantial devil lurking in the details. No disrespect is intended - but what you had written is not in my view, a universally positive thing on either side of the ledger. I'll do my best here to explain that position and hope that those who rightfully admired the post, will consider an alternative view.
I own a business, and I also have a second career that involves quite literally being in command. In my business, as in my second career, I have to make decisions that affect people's lives. The relative immediacy of those effects varies in each case, but the thing you learn very quickly in both business and command, is that substance in your people, is everything.
Like most employers, I read with amusement, the advice of the "resume' mills", wherein they boldly advertise that your resume' has to "stand out", or that the key function of a resume' is to get you noticed. "100 Mistakes To Avoid In Writing Your Resume'"....or. such things....really say that the most important thing is to get in the door, and once you do, you're already ahead of the game. Well, you're really not - because at some point you're going to have to stand behind that glossy and flashy resume', and actually BE someone. You have to actually be able to do the job. Therein lies the danger in teaching people how to get their introductions noticed, by following the guidelines you note. Where's the beef?
Once your foot is in the door, you have to have a bit more than a foot alone, to keep advancing the cause. Nothing is more irritating and disqualifying to me as a busnessman, than to receive a well written, incredibly sharp and concise resume' - and then find a dolt sitting there in front of me during an interview. In my experience, if you haven't the tools needed within yourself to communicate well, and you create an opposite impression via email or a resume' - then in my view, you have tried to deceive me. Worse still for you however, you are deceiving yourself. EvenIF your clever writing and shallow initial communication skills get you in the door ....sooner or later the cruel hoax you've created will cave in. You will not be able to be what you said you would be for any length of time, because you are not who you implied you are by your style and your presentation.
When I encounter people like this, I try to teach them. Before I dismiss them I relate to them a simple parable that I hope makes my point without denegrating them.
If you see there is a lot of money to be had in conducting, say....jungle tours....you may decide to go into the jumgle tour business. After all, you were a camp counselr in the woods a few summers while you were in college. So you get a PR company and advertising firm to make these great brochures touting your tours and how exciting it will all be. The words reach the eyes and ears of the traveler, and the presentation is so well done, they decide to sign up with you for the tour. So on day 1 a hundred eager people who - reading your presentation decide you're capable on some basic level at least - show up ready to go into the jungle. The euphoria you feel is more than enough to keep you going those first few days that your caravan spends driving to the edge of the jungle. But then, on Day 3, you actually have to enter the jungle. Your guests begin to sense something is not "right", because you are not really "leading" them. They ask you questions about your planned route, while you fumble through maps and try to cover up the fact that you cannot find any roads through it. So your slick advertising and enticing presentation has brought you the guests - but they soon discover you cannot really deliver the goods. Great presentation - but sooner or later you have to be the real you....and if you're not Dr. Livingston, you can't fake it any more. In the end, not only the people you seduced are upset with you - you are upset with yourself. They give up on you....and you ultimately - on yourself.
Acquiring the skills needed to get in the door - with nothing to back that up with once you ARE in - only leaves everyone disillusioned. Sooner or later, you have to "be" your persona. While wolves here online do use sheep's clothing to get in with the sheep, most people who can't deliver the goods come to that point innocently if not through at least partially well-intentioned reasons. Life becomes a matter of a driver used to an automatic transmission - trying to drive a stick. You can only fake it with a smile so long.
I want to offer that there needs to be one more tenet in your advice. Be preared, to actually be able to BE what you're selling with your "correct" words.
There is nothing more important in command, than being able to absolutely count on your crew. Command has no ego, except in movies. Any success that a leader has, is always the result of having the people to pull it off .... people who.... like the man who leads them..... are what they claim to be at their core. The same is so true in relationships. The worst thing one can do is to be all fluff. Teaching people how to get in the door, when they have no idea what to do once they get there, is the worst kind of dishonesty, because it hurts BOTH sides.
I enjoyed your post Stephann, and again, this post was not meant to in any way deflect it. I simply waned to, as you had asked, offer another view.
I know all too well, because in my own past, I took hold of reins I had no business holding, and I know how painful that was for both of us. Thanks for the great post.
DS4
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