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RE: Subs attention - 3/21/2008 7:23:21 AM

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A common mistake dominants make is to either expect a certain behavior or get pissy about an unclear order. I used to say things like "call me in a bit" or "call me when you get the chance" and then get pissy because "in a bit" to me meant X amount of time and she thought it meant XXXX amount of time, same goes for "when you get the chance"...

If you aren't specific, then you don't have any ground to stand on. Either be specific (and allow them time/space to inform you if that won't work) or let go and don't get stressed about it.

As numerous people have stated, clarity is vital. Be clear about your expectations, hidden expectations, ones you expect everyone knows but in fact don't, have fucked up more relationships than anything else I can think of.

If you are dominant, BE dominant. That is less about barking orders but about setting clear (and reasonable) standards and expectations. Know your partners strengths and weaknesses, demand their strengths, be patient of their weaknesses, love them no matter what, do that and you will get a great deal more attention.

(in reply to toservez)

RE: Subs attention - 3/21/2008 7:59:56 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zeedaddy

So my pet wants to beg for a collar on Saturday, except she wants to ask some questions first. So I finally agree and we are IM'ing tonight and notice a lapse in her response. When I check she's on CM posting shit about dragons eggs...... shes a great girl. Unfair to expect her full attention?

Thanks.

ok... it seems like this is an online relationship, is that correct? Have you ever met in person? Do you intend to? What is the long-term goal of the relationship?

So the facts that we know.
she wants to beg for a collar in an online environment. She is also busy doing other online stuff as she is asking questions in preparation for Saturday.

More questions.....
so... what does a collar mean to the two of you.... more specfically what does it mean to her?

my observation....
I don't expect that it really is that important to her regardless of what she says.... else why would she allow herself to be distracted with trival stuff. I suspect she is giving it as much attention as she needs to do to get what she wants from you.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to zeedaddy)

RE: Subs attention - 3/21/2008 8:03:09 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a

FYI and off topic a bit...

'begging' a collar is a kind of protocol term -- yes it means asking for one but its not unheard of -- its just a term, don't get too caught up in who is who.. it is appropriate in some forms of Ms etc to 'beg' a collar .. note its not BEG FOR... actually, I don't know for sure, but its likely a gorean thing

oh.. and to the op... this is why I don't do online or longdistance.. if you're sitting next to me or across from me, for the most part I will have a better idea of how much of your attention I have...

and one more thing, no matter if its phone or online, I will never assume that I have all of someone's attention as they won't have mine... both of those things will NEVER hold my attention

Exactly!

If someone I only communicated with via phone and/or online, begged for a collar they most definately would not have my full attention. I would be laughing so hard I would have to run to the bathroom to pee then get a drink of water when I caught my breath.

_____________________________

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Madame4a)

RE: Subs attention - 3/21/2008 8:06:05 AM

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If this is a internet baces relationship, Thats all part of it accept it as part of the deal

If this is a in person one then you should BOTH be talking face to face.

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(in reply to zeedaddy)

RE: Subs attention - 3/21/2008 8:09:26 AM

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IM protocol is something that my Daddy and I set up right from the beginning. He prefers a nude photo of me showing and wants my complete attention. Last night he told me to change my profile to signify that I am now a slave so I did that while we were talking. The rules were very clear from the beginning, though. It is in me not to want to pay attention to anything but him, but I don't blame someone for multitasking if no rules were set in advance.

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(in reply to toservez)

RE: Subs attention - 3/21/2008 8:21:02 AM

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~FR~
Speaking from a submissive's POV, it makes everything so much easier when our Dom is clear and consise on their expectations. My Dom is not able to read my mind and I am not able to read theirs. I need to know exactly what the expectations are so I am able to follow what my Dom wants and vice versa. I don't mean for my Dom to micromanage me, just to be clear in the expectations, it avoids any misinterpretations and therefore I am able to fulfill his wants and needs appropriately.

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(in reply to chamberqueen)

RE: Subs attention - 3/21/2008 1:32:07 PM

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Just this morning as I was brushing my teeth/slipping into my heels/wiping the counter and letting the beagles out, I thought to myself, "does anyone ever do one thing at at time anymore?"

I wish you both joy!

[Edited to add my good wishes because I forgot because I was on the phone and researching soy oil and listening to a colleague at the same time...]

< Message edited by subtee -- 3/21/2008 1:35:19 PM >

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(in reply to zeedaddy)

RE: Subs attention - 3/21/2008 1:43:57 PM

MontrealPhoenix

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Well to me it all comes down to expectations and whether or not they are clearly communicated. Have you told her in the past that you want her focus to be on you and only you? Even now,in this post, have you discussed this issue with her or is this the only place you've mentioned this?

I do this sort of thing all the time but when the task button flashes that tells me the person i'm chatting with has posted i go back to the convo, most of the time right away, but sometimes i finish the sentence first.

Honestly, in the realm of relationships i don't see this as a big deal. Since you apparently do, i suggest you discuss this with her and let her know (if you haven't already) that this bothers you before it festers and infects your relationship.

Phoenix

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"He who ties a woman owns her"
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(in reply to zeedaddy)

RE: Subs attention - 3/21/2008 1:46:25 PM

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the task button-- I was fishing for what that blinky thing was called-- thanks.

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(in reply to MontrealPhoenix)

RE: Subs attention - 3/21/2008 1:49:43 PM

abeke

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The question is, do you expect her full attention? Your expectations must be presented, no one is a mind reader.

(in reply to zeedaddy)

RE: Subs attention - 3/21/2008 7:11:11 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zeedaddy

So my pet wants to beg for a collar on Saturday, except she wants to ask some questions first. So I finally agree and we are IM'ing tonight and notice a lapse in her response. When I check she's on CM posting shit about dragons eggs...... shes a great girl. Unfair to expect her full attention?

Thanks.

Whether "begging a collar" or asking for a collar, if you dont clearly outline what is expected of her, you will get only useful information about dragon's eggs. Have her petition her needs to you for a collar. This makes you aware of her needs and provides a clear outline of where to go to push her limits. Everyone has a churning of life outside the lifestyle. Once you receive her "petition of collar" be clear of what you will provide her for her service. It is your responsibility to be dominant, hence with the the term "Response-Ability" you are thereby Able to Respond to her needs as she outlined them in her "petition for collar." I truly hopes this helps you, you can follow my slave's growth in our journal.
Sage
http://lordariesandhisladylibra.blogspot.com/

< Message edited by Sageandaslave -- 3/21/2008 7:12:15 PM >

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(in reply to zeedaddy)

RE: Subs attention - 3/22/2008 12:11:46 AM

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From: Santa Rosa
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quote:

ORIGINAL: zeedaddy

So my pet wants to beg for a collar on Saturday, except she wants to ask some questions first. So I finally agree and we are IM'ing tonight and notice a lapse in her response. When I check she's on CM posting shit about dragons eggs...... shes a great girl. Unfair to expect her full attention?

Thanks.

yea, i was on the damned dragon egg thread, it was almost driving me as crazy as Zee was.
i had alot of questions, we were having a hard time getting through them.
he told me to get out of there and i did, no worries. i love him, i want to do what he wants *shrugs*
we IM alot because its quieter at night (we dont live together), but we do know each other in real life.

fuck that was some funny shit-
"ok... it seems like this is an online relationship, is that correct? Have you ever met in person? Do you intend to? What is the long-term goal of the relationship?
So the facts that we know.
she wants to beg for a collar in an online environment. She is also busy doing other online stuff as she is asking questions in preparation for Saturday."
that cracks me up every time i read it!

anyway, we had a long and rough talk, almost killed each other (online lol), went to bed, got up and did it again today,
worked it all out, and yea. now all we gotta do is try to get some sleep so we dont fall out on each other tomorrow night.
we're cool, we've been together for a while, we each know how the other flows.
no one ever promised us itd be easy, but itll definetly be worth it!
~Domah

ps, thanks everyone for your wishes, luck, and advice!!!!

_____________________________

Zeedaddys
~DJ domahpet~
*Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to*

*crystal*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLI12uN6k5k

(in reply to zeedaddy)

RE: Subs attention - 3/22/2008 12:21:05 AM

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edit cuz i posted twice
i can say Duh!

< Message edited by domahpet -- 3/22/2008 12:22:36 AM >

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Zeedaddys
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*Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to*

*crystal*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLI12uN6k5k

(in reply to zeedaddy)

RE: Subs attention - 3/22/2008 12:24:27 AM

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Good points all around. One thing we are not an online couple, see each other almost everyday. I have spoken with her on this and she does understand I want her full attention.

(in reply to Sageandaslave)

RE: Subs attention - 3/22/2008 12:51:12 AM

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*tacklesmooches ya both*

ETA: so, Zee.. may Ihave your permission to (respectfully) grope her if ever I get a chance to be out your way?? *grin*

I'm happy for the two of you.. be good to each other (holy shit.. did I just channel Bill and Ted??? AAAAACK!!)

all best wishes and love... *hugs*

< Message edited by GreedyTop -- 3/22/2008 12:53:09 AM >

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Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to zeedaddy)

RE: Subs attention - 3/22/2008 8:09:57 AM

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Bill and Ted!- Dude!
(did you ever go to sleep last night???)

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Zeedaddys
~DJ domahpet~
*Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to*

*crystal*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLI12uN6k5k

(in reply to GreedyTop)

RE: Subs attention - 3/22/2008 8:13:23 AM

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yeah..I did... and the Cats woke me about 630 to be fed... *sigh* went back to bed, they woke me again about 930 to be let out on the porch. At least I got some errands run, anyway.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to domahpet)

RE: Subs attention - 3/22/2008 8:50:05 AM

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From: Louisville, KY
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quote:

I have to ask who's the dom in the relationship? To my way of thinking I decide when where what who I collar. Your post makes it sound like she has been begging for this for quite some time?

SB, When it was clear that our relationship was progressing in that direction, i asked Master in plain English which He preferred - that a girl beg for a collar, or wait for one to be offered. Both dynamics are common, and both are used. He said He had no preference and things would progress naturally. Then He let me know that, for Him, a collar was a very separate thing from His contract, and being offered the opportunity to sign His contract would not necessarily mean i would be offered a collar.
He told me that a contract with Him, if it would be offered, would be offered at the end of a 'trial weekend' together, distinct from other time we had spent together, a specific attempt by Him to show me what being His looked and felt like. He invited me for such a weekend, so i knew to expect the possibility, if i pleased Him, of being offered His contract on Sunday. By Saturday night, i knelt and begged Him for it.
He is pleased that she begged to be His. i will say, however, that i would have accepted a no with grace, and would not have begged again, had i been told no. i signed His contract on Sat, and he collared me on that Sunday. He didn't exactly ask, or 'offer', either. Just walked up behind me and put it around my neck.

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(in reply to SailingBum)

RE: Subs attention - 3/22/2008 9:58:30 AM

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~Fast Reply~

I've got to agree with the others. I personally avoid IM conversations because my attention always wanders. If you are chatting with me on IM, I can promise you I'm doing something else at the same time. Looking at CM, reading webcomics, watching TV, blogging, IMing other people, maybe playing a MMO on the other screen, grooming the cats, etc. If someone needs my full attention, they've got my number - use it. Or at least tell me to pay attention. So far, Val doesn't care. But then again, he does the same thing.

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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(in reply to toservez)

RE: Subs attention - 3/22/2008 10:47:00 AM

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first I would have to ask if this real time or online relationship, when a slave/sub is devoted to serving a Master then all attention is on that Master, I have had slave on hold online and phone and been at door to see if she mindful of full service or not, so the level of service is established in action, and after learning each other and ur direction of the Lifestyle you would know the level of service your slave/sub will serve at, now if u do allow other contact from other people, usually when u are dealing with a slave and she is getting advice from outside soruce if the two are not on same page then she would be getting mixed information and that will effect the direction u are training a slave/sub to live by.

if need more detail on this matter hit Me up directly and I could tell u more detail into this Matter, be well good luck with ur slave/sub

Master Greg
Palace of Pain

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Master Greg
PA Dominant King
Dominant King of Sweet Palace of Pain
Master of Sweet House of Pleasure & Pain

(in reply to toservez)

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