AAkasha
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Joined: 11/27/2004
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I always call my desire to dominate a "hunger." I get into moods, and when I really need it -- want it -- must have it-- it's like a hunger that's constantly nagging me and distracts me from anything. And everything seems to scream bondage to me -- remind me of BDSM, make me want to dominate an innocent bystander, make me predatory, cause me to get awful "crushes" on guys online.
This is what the last 10 days teased me with: the elijah wood "duct tape" billboard (I nearly drove off the rode), a ton of penalty box minutes in pre-season, clips of the NY Rangers in "boot camp" blindfolded and helpless, clips of a pro baseball team "Rookie Initiation" with grown men dressed in full femme gear in public, a CSI rerun with an officer buried in clear plexiglass coffin, and more. All of these things lead me to think non stop about domination, humiliation, making a man suffer to get me wet and an insatiable desire to express my urges.
October always seems to be the month for me! I was digging up some writing and found something from 1996 - Nine years ago - posted on the net:
Akasha 1996:
Every year around this time I get a little weird. Maybe more aggressive
(if I can get any more aggressive), more passionate, more attracted to
the darker things. October has always been my favorite month - something
about the Fall (whether or not you can call it Fall in Southern California
is debatable) and winter approaching puts me into a wonderful, sinister
state of mind.
It all fits in quite nicely, it being Monday night, the night I stalk,
and midnight tonight being the first day of October.
I pulled out one of my old journals, back when I used to document what I
considered my weird feelings to "do" things to the guys I dated. Nothing
sexual in this, but it shows, even back then, where my interests were.
********
From my journal, October 1, when I was 19:
Afterward we went to his house and I attacked him pretty ruthlessly. We
really didn't do anything "sexual", but it was intense.
I think deep down inside I was taking out some anger on him. Of course I
would have stopped if he'd seriously asked me to - I mean I apologize before,
during and after when I act this way.
I had him on the floor and was sitting/laying on him, my hands in his hair
(he'd gone into the bathroom and gotten it wet for me), nails down his back.
Then I pulled his head back and dug my teeth into his neck. Of course I
didn't draw blood or anything. It wasn't the act in itself, it was the
relentlessness, the not letting up.
What it did to him makes me crazy. To actually have a dramatic effect on
him in *any* way. To make him clench his fists in the carpet, dig his
fingers into my palm. Yeah, yeah. I really did put my hand over his mouth
this time, for a longer period of time, to muffle the sounds he was making.
He didn't pull away, he didn't turn his head.
He could have easily slipped out from me but he didn't. He sat there and
took it, even though at times it made him as much as let out a muffled
whimper or protest. At times it was so intense I was convinced he was
acting, playing it up for me. But, that's so unlike him! I still don't
know. I will never know if the way he resisted in that "Stop but don't
stop" way was for me.
One time, I said "Will you hold your breath for me?"
He said, "No."
"Please, come on."
"No."
"It's so easy. Do it, do it for me, please."
He looked at me with that "but why??" expression.
I knew he was about to oblige. I said, "For a long time, Craig. Do it
right. Put effort into it."
And he closed his eyes and took a long, deep breath.
I took his hand and kissed his fingers. He made a fist. I leaned down and
whispered, "You concentrating?"
He nodded, his eyes still closed, a bit tighter.
And yes, when a couple minutes had passed I could tell he was ready to take
a breath, but he held it. He looked a bit strained, concentrated harder.
Then a few seconds later he grabbed hold of the leg of the desk. Finally he
gasped for a breath, intensely this time. Like he needed it desperately.
Serious, intense.
And I kissed him hard right then. He tried to turn because he was catching
his breath but I didn't let him. I let him pant into my mouth while I held
him by the chin.
What a night.
After all of this was over, he looked at me with his hand on his neck,
flinching. "What is it with you tonight?" he asked.
"October," I told him. "October does this to me."
"You almost showed me the line," he said.
I'm still in awe.
****
What pushes *your* buttons?
Akasha
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October (The Femdom Hunger) - 
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I loved your website for that reason. We have a lot of similar ideas and interests. The idea of having someone helpless in front of me while I tease and "torture" him has been something that has been in my head for as long as I can remember. Knowing he gets off on it makes it even better. 
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