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WalterRego -> RE: Spill all..or a white lie? (3/28/2008 4:32:22 AM)
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I think this is much harder for a sub to deal with than a Dom(me) because we are used to and want to give ourselves to someone. Used to accepting, and adapting ourselves to another. We take for granted that it is our role to bend ourselves to another. It is part of our essence. When we find ourselves unable to do it, it can trigger difficult inner conflicts.
For me it is the hardest thing I have faced as a submissive. A while back, it happened several times over a short period of time and I was a wreck, thinking that something had changed about my submissiveness or character or spiritual essence. Thinking that if a person’s appearance or something about them turned me off, I was not only not a submissive, but not really even a decent human being.
I’d e-mail, talk on line with a Dominant, speak on the phone for a while, enjoying their personality, wanting to go further with them.
And then when we met, or on several occasions, when we played: total turn off. I was miserable, not knowing what to say or how to say it. Twice I went back to them more than one time, just not knowing how to get out, or what to say. Not wanting to hurt their feelings. I felt trapped.
Perhaps it would be nicer or better as SixFoot says to tell, but I personally find it impossible to tell a person that they have a personal hygiene problem or even “odor”; that their house is a pig stye beyond even my submissive desire to clean for them. Or that their style of play is just totally devoid of any imagination or interest. Once it was ...please don’t anyone flame me.....her weight and physical condition (which to be fair, had been concealed). It is not within my nature to do that.
And so I resorted to white or even off white lies. To get out of the immediate situation: severe indigestion, an emergency in the office or with my children. To discontinue the relationship: something(s) on going in my life or inability to accept something essential to their kink.
I finally came to the rationale that I work hard on making and keeping myself at least presentable, well groomed, and fit. I’m not an adonis, nor do I require a Venus. But some things just reflect on who and what a person is essentially. If a Dominant can’t control her own life or immediate surroundings or be aware of certain things about herself , her grooming or physicality (or chooses to ignore them).....how can I put myself into her care or trust? How can I trust that she will be aware of my physical or safety needs? If I bicycle and run and hike all the time, and have made that known from the outset, what kind of relationship can we have if she can't walk down the block without discomfort? How can I submit to her when she doesn't even see those things as a problem? And so, I resort to white lies or excuses.
BTW, I also impose those kinds of standards on myself. If a Dominant appears not interested after an e-mail, meeting or playing, I won't pursue her. Nor do I approach women who are significantly younger than I even if I think I am attractive or fit enough to. I don't want to put anyone else in an uncomfortable position any more than myself.
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