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Subs: what do you ask a prospective dom/top? - 3/28/2008 6:54:45 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

After some time on Planet Caregiver, I am looking for a personal submissive again. I've run through a bunch of prospective men, and I am seeing some interesting trends. The one that interests me most---NONE of them has asked me what serving me will entail. We might talk about our lives, the scene, cars, what we had for dinner, and who knows what all else, but no one asks me "What's my job going to be?"

Is this odd? What do you ask a potential dominant once you've gotten past the first compatibility stuff? Do you wait awhile before getting all practical?

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RE: Subs: what do you ask a prospective dom/top? - 3/28/2008 7:23:57 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I'm not service oriented. If he had said first thing that that was what he was looking for, then I would have told him we weren't compatible. What I don't understand is why you're assuming that they know you're looking for a service sub. Because not everybody is into that. Why not state it yourself and stop wasting both your time and theirs?

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(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

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RE: Subs: what do you ask a prospective dom/top? - 3/28/2008 7:27:26 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I'm not looking for a service sub, actually. What I am surprised at is that no one is asking what they will have to do for me, if anything! Shoot, I don't need any help with the housework!

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RE: Subs: what do you ask a prospective dom/top? - 3/28/2008 8:12:40 PM

JulieorSarah

Posts: 552
Joined: 8/25/2007
Status: offline

i try to find out if he's worth the effort, the basic combatability stuff, then try to meet face to face, briefly and during that time begin to find out what he wants from me. If all else fails if we get to the meeting he'll probably be a friend anyway. for me there is so much more to read from a face to face, rather than a screen to screen

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 4

RE: Subs: what do you ask a prospective dom/top? - 3/28/2008 9:12:34 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5173
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

Lady Hibiscus,

I don't consider that odd at all. I'd prefer to discover how compatible we are in the every day sense before even discussing the D/s stuff. I personally had no interest in asking BDSM questions until we figured out if we liked each other. If we had nothing to talk about then we were not compatible.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 5

RE: Subs: what do you ask a prospective dom/top? - 3/28/2008 9:46:09 PM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline

I ask them about the impact of Caesar crossing the Rubicon ....no seriously ... tells me a lot about them how they react to that question

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(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 6

RE: Subs: what do you ask a prospective dom/top? - 3/28/2008 9:51:58 PM

bipolarber

Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
Status: offline

#1. Are you a cop?
#2. Do you have a recent STD panel I can verify?
#3. I have limits. Is that a problem for you?
#4. What are YOUR limits?
#5. What can I do, to fulfill your needs/wants?

I don't ask them quite so bluntly, (I pride myself on being charming during the inital meeting/dinner) but that IS my list, and it's in order of priority.

(in reply to softness)

Post #: 7

RE: Subs: what do you ask a prospective dom/top? - 3/28/2008 10:00:20 PM

lilabbotsfordgrl

Posts: 140
Joined: 1/4/2008
Status: offline

a) maybe they`re looking for personal compatibility first, what they can do for you second
b) maybe they`re hoping you`ll broach that topic, since you`re supposedly the one in charge
c) maybe they assume your profile contains all the information on the topic they require at this time

(in reply to bipolarber)

Post #: 8

RE: Subs: what do you ask a prospective dom/top? - 3/28/2008 10:06:36 PM

pyrobabe

Posts: 53
Joined: 10/5/2005
Status: offline

I have recently been asking the subs/slaves to think up 10 questions that they would like to know about me and answer the questions themselves first. It's been quite an interesting experience. Maybe you could try my technique yourself. I always tell them to be honest and don't tell me what you think I want to hear.

(in reply to bipolarber)

Post #: 9

RE: Subs: what do you ask a prospective dom/top? - 3/28/2008 10:14:08 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

I ask them their personal definitions of various words within the context of bdsm.
I ask them their philosophy of D/s.
I ask them to describe what their ideal dynamic would entail which tells me what my ‘job’ would be.
I ask what they see as their responsibilities as a dominant and what they expect the submissive responsibilities to be.
I ask them to tell me one of their best experiences and what made it good for them, also a bad experience and what they learned from it.
Each response usually encourages me to ask more questions. Few sustain enough stamina/interest to continue the conversation. One man actually responded with, “I just want to have fun and you make me feel like I’m trying out for a Broadway play.” !!!

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(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

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RE: Subs: what do you ask a prospective dom/top? - 3/28/2008 10:34:03 PM

pyrobabe

Posts: 53
Joined: 10/5/2005
Status: offline

I like your response catize. I have encountered the same thing few actually have the stamina/interest to carry on such conversations for long periods of time.

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 11

RE: Subs: what do you ask a prospective dom/top? - 3/28/2008 11:11:46 PM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

I don't have any set questions. I prefer to just converse and take it from there. How someone wants to be served becomes clear relatively quickly when you just let the conversations flow naturally.
Another reason I don't like to ask direct questions is that people will often tell you what they THINK you want to hear, instead of what the truth actually is. I'd rather take the more scenic and relaxed route, and let things surface on their own.

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marie.

I give good agita.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

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RE: Subs: what do you ask a prospective dom/top? - 3/29/2008 6:31:38 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

i usually ask questions based on their profile or what's not written in their profile such as what other interests/personal hobbies do you have outside BDSM or what type of music do you enjoy the most. if BDSM is their only interest/hobby, not a good match for either of us. i prefer someone who enjoys all sides of life including D/s dynamics.

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(in reply to marieToo)

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RE: Subs: what do you ask a prospective dom/top? - 3/29/2008 6:54:32 AM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

i ask things like: how/why have most have your relationships ended? how long have you been single? are you still friends with any of your exes? kids? wife? std's? vasectomy? degree of sadism? looking for long-term or play-partner? are you capable of accepting and giving love? what one thing trips your trigger the most when it comes to bdsm play?

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)

Post #: 14

RE: Subs: what do you ask a prospective dom/top? - 3/29/2008 7:13:10 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

LH,
We always suggest that a person considering a relationship based on, or including any aspect of WIITWD, ask one question. Why? Why are they attracted to the prospect of a power exchange dynamic?

The answer will let you know where they are coming from and what they expect. Is the focus on the physical, the mental, both? Is it sexual foreplay? Is it sexual at all? Is it "just sex"? Is is a game? Is it something they aways wanted to try? Where they an abused child, or had a stick upbringing and need an outlet for guilt or frustration? If they can't answer 'why?'; that tells you something too. You may have uncovered a 'fore-ployer'; a person that will use any ploy and/or take on any identity to get into your pants.

Why is one question, one word, that can lead to a lifetime of finding out 'THE' answer for both of you.

It doesn't matter which side of the flogger, what gender; that question will disclose more compatibility than any concerning specific acts or previous experiences.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 15

RE: Subs: what do you ask a prospective dom/top? - 3/29/2008 7:16:24 AM

Wiseprotector

Posts: 18
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I ask them about the impact of Caesar crossing the Rubicon .

to get to the other side?

oh oh, the IMPACT.... nevah mind....

(in reply to softness)

Post #: 16

RE: Subs: what do you ask a prospective dom/top? - 3/29/2008 11:32:21 AM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline

what i ask of a Domme after some type of compatibility is established and attraction by both parties , i also hope to have seen her with another in some type of bdsm exchange first hand .Is she a humming bird type buzzin from flower to flower always looking for her new bottom subbie flower to check off her list ?Is she safe and someone i can trust with my well being and life ?Does she have any heath concerns ?Its not only STD's will she pass out from a heart condition while i am bound and gagged ?will she go into insulin shock etc .
Does she have experience and if so how much and to what extent .Is she the peacock type ?The look at me watch me play , not really aware of what is in front of her namely ME! Instead wondering if others are watching and how does she look when doing a bdsm activity .She may look amazing yet be unaware that i am in trouble while she is looking amazing for the crowd.
Does she know basic first aid ?Will she respect my small list of limits ?Is she mentally stable ?Is she intelligent ?Can she take me on a journey can we compliment each other?Is she for the most part drama free ?Do we share involvement in the bdsm community ?Does she even like me cuz i am a Switch ?"for some this is a hang up "Is she creative ?Is she fit enough to last more than an hour ?Does she desire a casual play partner or some sort of relationship dynamic ?Will she play on the first meeting ?"if so i prob do not wish to move forward ."Is she honest ?communicate well ?honorable ?Do we have good energy together ?What is she seeking ?Do i fit in her needs and well as my needs ?Does she have good person hygiene?Is she on drugs ?Not only perscripion but illegal ?Can she speak of things outside of bdsm D/s ?
Some of the listed things can be done just by personal observation , others by time and communication .

(in reply to Wiseprotector)

Post #: 17

RE: Subs: what do you ask a prospective dom/top? - 3/29/2008 3:03:11 PM

AS11

Posts: 45
Joined: 2/17/2008
Status: offline

Acquiring desired information from others, especially information that touches on the root and core of them, is not limited to direct open-ended questions. In fact, communicating with others runs far deeper than just the written or spoken word.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 18

RE: Subs: what do you ask a prospective dom/top? - 3/29/2008 3:35:19 PM

kallisto

Posts: 1185
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AS11

Acquiring desired information from others, especially information that touches on the root and core of them, is not limited to direct open-ended questions. In fact, communicating with others runs far deeper than just the written or spoken word.

Agreed. Sometimes what's unspoken or not written, gives far more information that simply answering questions.

(in reply to AS11)

Post #: 19

RE: Subs: what do you ask a prospective dom/top? - 3/29/2008 4:44:34 PM

hopelesslyInvo

Posts: 522
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: the future
Status: offline

i feel rude asking things like that even though it's a curiosity i'll have. generally i hope it comes out without me having to prod, but at the same time i'm sort of imparticular to what the answer will be. also i figure it might be a difficult question in the first place because when i'm asked "how would you serve me" or something along those lines, my first response is generally "uhhhhh....."

i just try to figure out what makes them tick and see if i can keep the clock working, a lot of life is improv~

< Message edited by hopelesslyInvo -- 3/29/2008 4:46:04 PM >

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 20

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