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lovelylucy -> My Mental Health (3/31/2008 6:27:01 AM)
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I've been reading here since I first discovered CM, and there seem to be a lot of people here who have mental health issues, or know a lot about them. I'm not asking for a diagnosis, I'm just worried really. I have a referral to a place near me for group therapy and I'm waiting to get an appointment.
I'm in the UK.
For a very long time (pretty much as long as I can remember), I've been feeling very unhappy. Not constantly. Sometimes it's pushed back further and I get on day to day and behave fairly normally.
But sometimes I get upset, or I get stressed, and all the other things I carry around come out as well, and I act like a nutter. I mean shouting, screaming, crying. I've hit my boyfriend, I sit in the middle of the road, try to kill myself, cut and hit myself etc. And then... I'm ok again. I go back to normal. My mood flip in minutes, if not seconds, from one extreme to another. I can be happy and then burst into tears and cut... or be out with my friends in a club, fine and dancing and whatever, and suddenly I feel so bad I go to jump off a carpark. I wake up in the night and cry. I break up with my boyfriend at least 3 times a month, tell him to leave and then block the door and beg him to stay.... If I've been trying to top myself I can go back to normal in well under an hour.
My boyfriend says that I'm irrational - I get very wound up or upset over nothing - which leads to the things I mentioned above. I'm really struggling with this because it doesn't feel like I'm doing anything unreasonable - to me it's normal and fine, but when he explains it to me when I'm more settled I can kinda understand what he's getting at.
It's destroying my life and my relationship - and watching me trying to kill myself is destroying him.
But it's so hard to change... I don't know how to stop because at the time I have no idea what I'm doing isn't 'normal' or whatever. And I don't know how to change how I feel or my mood, or to deal with it better because I feel so bad all I want to do is die, and I can't think about anything but all the awful things and wanting to die.
I overdosed on Thursday, and cut my legs and arms. I think I've lost my job because of it (wasn't at work this weekend, was in hospital til Friday night).
I don't know what to do. And I'm also worried that I am perfectly normal and just a horrible person. Or that I'm trying to blame my own disgusting behaviour on a mental problem I just don't have.
I've was in inpatient over new year and they released me saying I was fine - just a bit upset (lot of shit going down in my life in the past few months). But my consultant didn't see me, and my doctor saw me twice and we didn't really talk about the big stuff.
So yeah. I don't even know what the bloody question is any more, but that's the basic gist.
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