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respect - 10/4/2005 9:10:54 AM   
scarlettrose


Posts: 1
Joined: 10/14/2004
Status: offline 		greetingA/all Iwould like to address the topic of respect .Have respect for yourself as well others. Ive gotten many pms like hello slut not a very good impression in my opinion . The lifestyle that i know and love is one of honor trust respect for A/all . submissive pls address a Dom /Dommae as Sir or Maam not because they have earned your respect yet but because it is their proper title and it shows you are respectful.and in this ones humble opinion much could be said Dom / Dommae your frist impession to a perspective subis how you address them . just alittle food for thought humbly a submissive
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: respect - 10/4/2005 9:35:14 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: scarlettrose
The lifestyle that i know and love is one of honor trust respect for A/all .

The lifestyle that I know is made up of ordinary people who are fulfilled in an authority transfer based relationship, nothing more or less.

quote:

submissive pls address a Dom /Dommae as Sir or Maam not because they have earned your respect yet but because it is their proper title and it shows you are respectful.

Who has decided that is their proper title? What if they don't want to be called that? What if you don't know who is who? Why not just call them by their name? What did they do to gain such a title?
quote:


and in this ones humble opinion much could be said Dom / Dommae your frist impession to a perspective subis how you address them . just alittle food for thought humbly a submissive

Why do you type "dommae"?

(in reply to scarlettrose)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: respect - 10/4/2005 9:36:47 AM   
nephandi


Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline 		Werry many Dominants do not apricate being called Sir og Maam by total strangers, they prefer to be spoken to as human beings first then as Dominants, many subs do not like to adress a total stranger in such a way, becouse they might be a sub to their Dom or whatever they have, and not to anyone else.

Often it is far better to ask what the Dominant, or for that matter the sub wish be adressed as.

(in reply to scarlettrose)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: respect - 10/4/2005 9:40:39 AM   
maleah


Posts: 14
Joined: 10/2/2005
Status: offline 		I always just call people by their names and if it's someone online I call them by their ID name. I know some Daddy/Doms and I would never call them Daddy. I have one of my own and only he gets to be called that.

Now, I don't think someone should be PMing people and calling them slut. That is just rude and uncalled for behavior that shows their lack of maturity.


(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: respect - 10/4/2005 9:51:11 AM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: scarlettrose

greetingA/all Iwould like to address the topic of respect .Have respect for yourself as well others. Ive gotten many pms like hello slut not a very good impression in my opinion . The lifestyle that i know and love is one of honor trust respect for A/all . submissive pls address a Dom /Dommae as Sir or Maam not because they have earned your respect yet but because it is their proper title and it shows you are respectful.and in this ones humble opinion much could be said Dom / Dommae your frist impession to a perspective subis how you address them . just alittle food for thought humbly a submissive



Whilst I respect your point of view, I do not agree with it.

I have a great deal of respect for myself. That works for me - some submissives do not because it is what makes them tick. That is their decision.(Or their dominants)

I do not believe in a 'Lifestyle' as such. It kind of places an unwanted romantic slant on the whole BDSM issue. And for some, romance is not what BDSM is about. It is about pure lust and a willingness to serve. For some, its just fun. FOr some its a lifetime of wonderous growth. I honour and I trust and I respect - I also love and have empathy and I have romance in my life. That has nothing to do with BDSM. That has all to do with who I am.
I have to ask - but who states all submissives must call someone who claims dominancy Sir or Madam? Who has any right to demand that? That doesn't show any kind of respect or politeness. THere is many a Dominant who hates being called that - so how much respect does a submissive show if they call a dominant Sir against their will?None.Nil.Nada.Na.Zilch.Zippo.
Respect isnt earnt - it is freely given even when no respect is shown. To not show respect would sink to the level of one who shows none, and that I will not do. I always ask any Dominant I am conversing with - be it by mail, face-to-face or any other medium, how they prefere to be addressed. That is showing respect. At least, it is to me.

As for the term, 'subis' I am not sure if it was a typo, or a mis-spell. But subis I would identify as too familier and not very respectful. I am sister to none, except those very close to me. I am not a subby/subis/subbie or anyones girl. I am a woman with submissive blood flowing through my veins.

And for a first impression - the best impression made online in any written medium such as this I have gained knowledge about is a well written, well typed, spell checked and edited piece. Please do not feel put upon or picked apart - after all these are personal views only, just like yours. But one must always beware of those that would tell you a certain way - or tell you the way things should be done. The reality is - everyone is unique and has their own precious way of doing things.

Peace and Love.

_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to scarlettrose)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: respect - 10/4/2005 9:51:59 AM   
ChereeAmoor


Posts: 185
Joined: 8/1/2005
Status: offline 		I call people by their screen names, and if they want more, they will have to earn it. An e-mail or private message from someone who would choose to call me slut would get very little response, I'm afraid, as that is not one of the words I choose to have applied to myself.

(in reply to maleah)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: respect - 10/4/2005 9:55:50 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

submissive pls address a Dom /Dommae as Sir or Maam not because they have earned your respect yet but because it is their proper title and it shows you are respectful


No thank you. Just because they have given themselves that title, in no way does it mean they are that to me. As a matter of fact, nothing turns me off faster than someone who demands that type of stuff from me.

(in reply to ChereeAmoor)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: respect - 10/4/2005 10:16:48 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2


quote:

ORIGINAL: scarlettrose
The lifestyle that i know and love is one of honor trust respect for A/all .

The lifestyle that I know is made up of ordinary people who are fulfilled in an authority transfer based relationship, nothing more or less.

quote:

submissive pls address a Dom /Dommae as Sir or Maam not because they have earned your respect yet but because it is their proper title and it shows you are respectful.

Who has decided that is their proper title? What if they don't want to be called that? What if you don't know who is who? Why not just call them by their name? What did they do to gain such a title?



If someone calls me Madame, or Ma'am or even Mistress I don't get upset, I ask them to please call me TammyJo.

For some people the "sir" and "ma'am" are more generic polite terms of people they don't know or people older than them, etc. I know that so I don't get upset I just asked them to use my name.

If they refuse to use my name, then I get miffed.

Rarely has someone told me that they must called me by a title and usually they are refering to an owner's rules. I might at that point go speak with their owner and try to politely explain that being called by a title actually contradicts one of my own personal rule: I earn that title and a slave or submissive earns the right to use it.

In those very rare moments, said Dominant either understands we make a deal (like their slave may call me Miss TammyJo or something like that) or she/he walks away and I never hear from either slave or owner again.

< Message edited by thetammyjo -- 10/4/2005 10:19:57 AM >

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: respect - 10/4/2005 10:54:30 AM   
ZandD


Posts: 59
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline 		This particular subject has popped up in several different forms (and forums) in the last few days.

Speaking ONLY for myself, I consider it rude and uncouth to address ANY person with any sort of derogatory greeting upon first contact. Using the example above and in context to CollarMe.com interest choices, a person might check off every single interest there is and truly be into all of them to some degree or another. That doesn't make that person a slut. Besides, how would the author of such a greeting know, as they are making an introductory message to someone who is completely unknown to them?

The same type of introductions in public would not be made at a social meeting place such as a munch, play club or play party. I imagine that if such a disrespectful greeting was made there, that person would be asked to leave, perhaps quite, ahem, vehemently.

Again, in my opinion, regarding the both the individual and the masses who live any type of BDSM lifestyle is: As long as it is Safe, Sane and CONSENSUAL, always respect anothers kink. But then again, in speaking of these misguided domineering people, how could they know what kinks someone has if they have never spoken to that person before? Initial ethics and manners also play a role!

I think that it's turned people off from me in the past, but I will not take any type of dominant role with someone I do not know. Ever. Does this speak to who I am as a dominant? Perhaps, but then domination isn't all about verbalizing our ability to behave and speak gruffly, which is what these people are attempting to do. If they sound tough, tough is a turn-on which leads to their goal, execpt, I've never ever heard one case in which that really worked. I've never heard a sub say "He typed to me ON YOUR KNEES SLUT, and he melted me with those words and he's been my dom ever since."

Also, as D and I have commented so many times before in our lifestyle conversations: This is the internet. People say and do things that would never be accepted off the computer screen.

YMMV,

Z





(in reply to scarlettrose)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: respect - 10/4/2005 11:08:44 AM   
firefighteremt


Posts: 24
Joined: 7/5/2005
From: Buffalo NY (AREA)
Status: offline 		I totally agree about the lack of respect someone must have by sending you a message basically just calling you a slut. I'm not sure how often it works here but I guess they are indeed looking for someone with no self esteem. In my opinion having someone with no self esteem doesn't make an ideal slave. That is just what I want though. As for the titles I would think its best to just use their name or screen name or ask what they would like to be called.

_____________________________

It's your life...You live it

(in reply to scarlettrose)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: respect - 10/4/2005 2:45:57 PM   
CanisMajor


Posts: 42
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo
If someone calls me Madame, or Ma'am or even Mistress I don't get upset, I ask them to please call me TammyJo.

For some people the "sir" and "ma'am" are more generic polite terms of people they don't know or people older than them, etc. I know that so I don't get upset I just asked them to use my name.

If they refuse to use my name, then I get miffed.


The sweet voice of reason. Thank you, Tammyjo, for not ripping my sub or me a new orifice if we ever happen to address you with what passes for everyday generic terms amongst our peers. And I mean this sincerely. The self-appointed salutation thought police have done so in the past.

Addressing the OP....

I tend to agree that respect is an undervalued commodity, and the first-time PM'er opening with "hello slut" isn't doing a very impressive job of improving this situation. But how people express or show respect varies. People in the south, parts of the mountain west, and parts of the midwestern US (especially less urbanized areas) will often use "sir" and "ma'am" freely because it is more likely to be a part of their culture in these regions. (And lo, the OP is in Minnesota - which, for the overseas folk, is about as midwestern US as you can get.) But using those terms seems to be a lot less common on the coasts and in New England, and these people will express their respect in different ways. In some eastern cities, just stopping, looking you in the eye, and talking to you civilly is a show of respect a notch above the average, equivalent to that of "sir" from a southerner.

In any case, I would have a problem trying to impose a particular kind of show of respect on the community. I wouldn't even impose a requirement for respectful interaction on the community. Instead, I let it affect how I choose to interact with individuals within the community. What I actually prefer relative strangers to use is my name. But if they want to call me sir, that's fine, and that term isn't a very loaded one for me. Either would constitute an auspicious start.

If they want to call me master, that's a little strange and I would express a different preference. Those who are even minimally inclined to be respectful will try to honor that.

Occasionally, you run into the person who truly believes that people need to earn respect. (Many people say this, but actual belief in it is more rare. What most people mean when they say it is that respect is something that needs to be maintained and cultivated, and can be lost if it is not.) These are people who apparently think they can treat you in all sorts of mildly rude ways until you have personally jumped through the hoops they've kindly set up to allow you to "prove yourself" to them. They are at liberty to act that way. And I am at liberty to regard them as presumptuous, arrogant, and highly undesirable people.


_____________________________

The Big Dog

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: respect - 10/4/2005 3:01:23 PM   
helpless1


Posts: 10
Joined: 10/3/2005
Status: offline 		Well on a personal level, everyone who knows me calls me slut. *laughs* For me, that is a sweet sounding name not a condemnation. It is a celibration of my nature. It is not an attempt to lessen me or insult me.

Now all that being a given, i would have to say that it's probably not the best approach to message someone you do not know by that name.


(in reply to CanisMajor)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: respect - 10/4/2005 3:20:34 PM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
quote:

Occasionally, you run into the person who truly believes that people need to earn respect. (Many people say this, but actual belief in it is more rare. What most people mean when they say it is that respect is something that needs to be maintained and cultivated, and can be lost if it is not.) These are people who apparently think they can treat you in all sorts of mildly rude ways until you have personally jumped through the hoops they've kindly set up to allow you to "prove yourself" to them. They are at liberty to act that way. And I am at liberty to regard them as presumptuous, arrogant, and highly undesirable people.


I concur.

I believe that peope all too often mix 'politeness' with 'respect'. Respect is something, not earnt to me, but that grows over many months and years. Through teaching and behaviour. Politeness does not have to be earnt, but given, no matter what the outcome. I would think it much more telling to be a lady, or a gentleman with a fool, than to follow where the fool rings the bells.

Peace and Love

_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to CanisMajor)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: respect - 10/4/2005 3:28:43 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

everyone who knows me calls me slut


I think you hit the nail on the head there. People that KNOW you & presumably you trust call you that. If I or a Dom that had no idea who you were, how you ticked, or what you were about called you that I believe it would be a VERY different reaction.

Too many times here it's the equivalent of someone that you don't know ringing your doorbell & saying ON YOUR KNEES SLUT. I find anyone that would behave this way to be the lowest of the low (funny because HNG tops usually try this). As far as what I prefer, Ma'am from someone that didn't know me would be fine. If it is someone that knows me top or bottom my name would be appropriate depending on the situation & our relationship.

(in reply to helpless1)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: respect - 10/4/2005 4:26:02 PM   
LadiesBladewing


Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline 		While I nor SilverRose demand anything (does it make any sense to make demands of people that you don't even know?), I will tell you that individuals who address us pleasantly and with good manners stand a significantly higher chance of beginning a conversation than people who show little or none of the basics of common courtesy and manners. Manners and a little bit of class are even more crucial is if the person is serious about possibly becoming a part of our family.

I don't know when it became a crime in this lifestyle to show a bit of respect and some good manners. For some reason, people these days seem to think that manners are unnecessary and somehow, even demeaning. I try to treat others, no matter their designated station with respect, and to use good form and even a bit of formality when meeting someone for the first time. The first impression can only be made once, and it is a proven fact that the first impression colors every other interaction from that point on...besides, would it be such a horrible thing if we were all polite and even a bit civil to one another?

Lady Zephyr

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: respect - 10/4/2005 4:44:39 PM   
ProtagonistLily


Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

greetingA/all Iwould like to address the topic of respect .Have respect for yourself as well others. Ive gotten many pms like hello slut not a very good impression in my opinion . The lifestyle that i know and love is one of honor trust respect for A/all . submissive pls address a Dom /Dommae as Sir or Maam not because they have earned your respect yet but because it is their proper title and it shows you are respectful.and in this ones humble opinion much could be said Dom / Dommae your frist impession to a perspective subis how you address them . just alittle food for thought humbly a submissive


I'm just going to pop some popcorn, sit back and watch this one. Someone grab the diet coke when the get up please?

Ok, I lied, I can't help myself. What the hell is a Dommae? The word is Domme, regardless of how you pronounce it when speeking. ~smirk~

Lily

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to scarlettrose)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: respect - 10/4/2005 5:47:09 PM   
itzelwing


Posts: 37
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline 		Because I am a Dom, I am not YOUR Dom. You have no call to address me as such, although if you choose to do so, I will not be insulted. I will correct you.

Because you are a sub, you are not MY sub, and I have no call to refer to you as such. However, if I do, then you retain the right to correct me.

Respect from other people sometimes starts with having respect for ourselves. Stand up and speak out, and teach the children well.

_____________________________

Master, Friend, and Lover of ItzKat

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: respect - 10/4/2005 5:51:09 PM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline 		Personally speaking i do not think respect is earned. i respect Oothers until Tthey give me a reason not to. i call Many Sir and/or Ma'am, but None Master or Mistress.

i believe that just by virtue of being another human on this planet is enough reason to give my respect. If that respect is then abused or i find it a misplaced respect, the respect is then lost.

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: respect - 10/4/2005 5:53:10 PM   
smilezz


Posts: 2156
Joined: 6/18/2004
Status: offline
quote:

greetingA/all Iwould like to address the topic of respect .Have respect for yourself as well others.

I believe people should have respect for themselves. I also believe that there is a huge difference between respect and being curtious. I can be curtious to most anyone..........respect? i can count on one hand the people i respect.
quote:

Ive gotten many pms like hello slut not a very good impression in my opinion.

You're probably right, not a good impression........but it's online, so it's something you deal with or don't....no big deal.
quote:

The lifestyle that i know and love is one of honor trust respect for A/all.

Again....depends on the people involved.
quote:

submissive pls address a Dom /Dommae as Sir or Maam not because they have earned your respect yet but because it is their proper title and it shows you are respectful.and in this ones humble opinion much could be said Dom / Dommae your frist impession to a perspective subis how you address them . just alittle food for thought humbly a submissive

Now here i will have to disagree..........i happen to call Men - Sir and Women - Ma'am because that is how i was raised.....then following Military family interraction type stuff. The same reason i suppose i don't call FemDom's - Domme's........i would not call a Female a Femme. If you are a Dominant....you are Male Dominant or a Female Dominant (this is only my example folks, don't get bent because i left a Gender out.)

~smilezz~

_____________________________

=It's not my fault that when I was a baby I was dropped in a box of Glitter & I have been shinin' ever since=

�*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,-:* �

(in reply to scarlettrose)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: respect - 10/4/2005 7:31:18 PM   
LadiesBladewing


Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: smilezz

If you are a Dominant....you are Male Dominant or a Female Dominant (this is only my example folks, don't get bent because i left a Gender out.)

~smilezz~


I had to toss a little anectdote on this. I found the comment interesting and the speaker seems to share a perspective that we have in our rather unorthodox collective. One of the things about our household is that we have several members of a small, unusual spiritual group who are also members of House Bladewing (or vice versa). I teach in this spiritual path, as well as in the lifestyle. In our household, basic daily manners include using sir and ma'am for the guides. However, when training is being done by one of the guides, especially if the training is with one of our servants or guides who are working on the heretofore mentioned spiritual path, all the experienced training guides, irrelevant of gender, are called 'master', as in "master teacher", "master healer"...marking one who has studied, worked, survived challenges, and has reached a level of self-awareness...for us, this is 'mastery', and so one who has reached this level is a 'master' regardless of gender. *smiles* It comes as a surprise to some, and definitely raises eyebrows, but it works for us.

Lady Zephyr

(in reply to smilezz)
Profile   Post #: 20
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