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RE: withdrawing affection - 4/12/2008 11:06:28 AM

Sundowner

Posts: 2549
Joined: 3/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThistleDown
...
It's been suggested to me in the past on many occassions to put D/s aside and focus on the romantic side of our relationship when there have been problems. It never made sense to me but this time, for some reason, it came to mind and I was once again met with the suggestion from other people. Mostly people who don't consider D/s a way of life but an activity you choose to do at certain times (mainly when things are going well)
...

For those who don't consider d/s a way of life it should be easy to put it on one side. For those totally into the lifestyle it is of course unthinkable. SailingBum often sees things in black and white (and I know he pissed you off but he's not all bad) but I think there have to be all colours of the spectrum in between and you can best judge where you are on the scale.

And isn't blushes' comment sensible! So - what she said.

(in reply to ThistleDown)

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Post #: 21

RE: withdrawing affection - 4/12/2008 11:37:30 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThistleDown

I think I've learned a really valuable lesson with this and I appreciate everyones responses.

KnightofMists~ I found your post a bit harsh. I'd already recognized I'd made a mistake but I wanted to know if it was a universal kind of mistake or a personal in-my-relationship mistake. I suppose I should have clarified that. I think you went a little far with the assumption though. I've been through many extremely difficult situations with my master, but this one nearly ended the relationship. I thought we should focus on the foundation of our relationship (that being that we love eachother) and somehow that translated into stopping D/s for a time. To me, it wasn't "quitting when it gets tough" it was simplifying things so we could focus better but I see your point and I appreciate your reply. I will remember that you saw it that way if I'm ever tempted to do it again, I think it will help me keep things in perspective. I would like to point out, though, that when you're learning to run, you might not get it right the first time no matter how careful you are. We'll be working on that walking part a little more now.
~puppy

It might be harsh... but I still stand behind my comments. More so as I read your continued comments.

I am not sure where you think I made an assumption... but I do raises some possible courses of action. As a note... before you learn to run... you need to learn to walk! If you keep trying to run when you can't walk.... well you will get frustrated,have significant issues and you just might feel like quitting and do so. I am glad that you will focus on the walking... but before you take that next step... please make sure you are steady with the walking and instead of jumping to running... a brisk walk might be the next step before you run.

So... you both need to slow things down big time it would seem and as I stated... figure out what you both actually want from this relationship and be committed to it.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to ThistleDown)

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Post #: 22

RE: withdrawing affection - 4/12/2008 2:09:08 PM

Floggings4You

Posts: 240
Joined: 12/18/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThistleDown

If you and your sub had a really emotionally charged disagreement (not a fight) and your sub suggested putting the D/s aspect aside for a while, would you (Masters/Doms/Tops) feel as though she were withdrawing her affection or love?

No, but such a suggestion would not make sense to Me. My submissive and I found each O/other because W/we were looking for D/s; suspending that would seem like suspending the relationship, in order to fix it--which doesn't make sense to Me. I would not feel like she was withdrawing affection for Me if she suggested elminating the D/s element while W/we worked on things, but I would feel like she didn't understand the importance of D/s to O/our relationship--

--a big problem.

Further, there are plenty of tools within the D/s dynamic for fixing problems. First, as the Dom, My will is to be obeyed. Second, if a limit is crossed, she has safewords at her discretion. Third, W/we have a contract, which W/we visit--and revise--on a regular basis...

quote:

The reason I ask, is because we have had such a disagreement and I suggested putting the D/s on hold for a bit so we could kinda try to work on things and just.. be.. together.. for a while. It seemed to make sense at the time (yesterday morning) but now I feel kinda.. deprived. I feel like I'm missing something really important and we've established that I submit out of love so if I've chosen not to submit anymore (but only temporarily) does that mean I've withdrawn the love too?

If your relationship is based in D/s, then I don't think you can fix things in the relationship, from a dynamic that is alien to that relationship.

quote:

I mean, my feelings haven't changed--

Then why do you see a need to suspend D/s?

quote:

--but as far as actions go, would anyone else consider that withdrawing?

The only reason to suspend the D/s dynamic, as far as I can see, would be if the fundamentals of the relationship were being permanently changed. If you were to become 'friends', then D/s need no longer be in place. But, if you are working together on problems with the relationship--unless D/s itself is the problem--I see no reason (of course, considering that I have no idea what the actual problem is) why you can't work on those from within the D/s context.

quote:

And one other thing, we're not upset anymore (unless he's hiding something from me, but I can't imagine he is), but we still havent solved the problem yet. If my reason for putting the D/s on hold was to work on this problem, is it ok to change my mind and ask for it back before the problem has been dealt with?

If the two of Y/you have agreed to suspend the D/s aspect of your relationship for a while, to fix whatever the problem was, then you're both equals (at least for now), and you can ask or suggest anything you wish.

(in reply to ThistleDown)

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Post #: 23

RE: withdrawing affection - 4/12/2008 7:14:46 PM

smilingjaguar

Posts: 271
Status: offline

*FR*

I have suspended the D/s part of our relationship before...for 18 months or so, to be exact. It simply was not the most important thing in our lives at the time; neither of us needed the additional stress/demands. We had an UM who was seriously ill for the first 18 months of her life. I simply couldn't devote myself to the round-the-clock needs the UM had and my Sir as well. We mutually decided that the UM's survival was the most important thing, and as part of making that decision we didn't sleep on the same side of the house and quite often not at the same time.

Guess what? It wasn't anywhere near the end of the world. We came out of that time period stronger and more devoted to one another than either of us could have imagined, and when the time was right for the D/s aspect to return to the relationship, it was a deeper, more trusting dynamic and filled with more confidence in the other.

The only people who can figure out if what you did was survivable in your relationship is you and yours...good luck!

(in reply to Floggings4You)

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Post #: 24

RE: withdrawing affection - 4/12/2008 7:34:24 PM

rawkmehard

Posts: 43
Joined: 11/17/2007
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for Sir and i, there are things that happen that don't specifically fall into aspects of our D/s dynamic.

these issues tend to be things like: we both want to quit smoking. he finds it unfair to put consequences in place for me if he's going to struggle with quitting as well. so we agreed, per his initial evaluation, that quitting would happen outside the realm of D/s.

really, it depends on what the issue is. i can only think of a few issues that would make me want to put the D/s on hold. even though Sir and i aren't 24/7 and don't live together, our dynamic still exists more often than it doesn't. and when it's withdrawn, it's over issues like my example above.

so really, OP, without more context about your relationship and the issue at hand, it's hard for anyone else to make any call to either support or refute your position.

if you feel you made a mistake asking for a time out, then you two have to talk about it.

i know that personally, if Sir and i decided to stop the D/s, i'd question what relationship we really had. this is the way we are. even when we fight, or have serious discussions, i'm still His and He still owns me. so i confess to having a hard time 'getting it' about what you're asking.

i do, however, wish you luck in figuring out what will best work for you and Yours.

(in reply to smilingjaguar)

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Post #: 25