Discussing Needs

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simplyfena -> Discussing Needs (4/13/2008 2:07:46 PM)
How does one go about discussing needs in a building M/s relationship? If the Dominant has a negative interpretation or perception of a sub's/slave's particular core need, how does the sub/slave discuss without contradicting the Dominant? Is that even possible?

SirMIkeSD -> RE: Discussing Needs (4/13/2008 2:14:33 PM)
In a frank and honest conversation you need to layout what your needs are and if the two of you can not come to an agreement then it sounds like a mis-match to me. Mike

chamberqueen -> RE: Discussing Needs (4/13/2008 2:16:35 PM)
Some issues will take time to resolve. If it is a huge core, like you want to be monogamous and He doesn't, then it might be better not to get too involved to spare yourself pain later. There is nothing wrong with wanting to explain yourself. Just keep in mind that the listener's mood may not be most conducive to it at that particular moment. If something is truly important to you then keep that - you don't have to give it up - but be open to listen.

mbes -> RE: Discussing Needs (4/13/2008 2:18:21 PM)
I think that answer would depend whether it's a relationship in the beginning stages, or one already committed. Before the m/s commitment comes along, I would be sure that we both have a reasonable idea of each other's needs. But either way, I wouldn't be happy in a relationship where clarification of issues on both sides isn't acceptable. So yes, if he had a different connotation in mind for a need of mine, we'd talk. If my needs themselves are unacceptable, then it's just not the right relationship to take to the level of m/s. YMMV, of course.

lally3 -> RE: Discussing Needs (4/13/2008 2:23:27 PM)
if the dominant has a problem understanding a core need then he needs to listen and try to understand it. if its something common enough then im sure there are sites on the internet you can lead him to. and no its not contradicting him, its expressing your need at a point where you are trying to build a relationship based on trust and clear communication. if at this point he is failing to understand a basic core need then he really needs to unclench his bum a bit and pull that capital D out of his arse. communication is not contraditiction, its communication, communication is good, it leads to a healthy happy life. good luck with it.

Sirsinini -> RE: Discussing Needs (4/13/2008 2:35:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: simplyfena How does one go about discussing needs in a building M/s relationship? If the Dominant has a negative interpretation or perception of a sub's/slave's particular core need, how does the sub/slave discuss without contradicting the Dominant? Is that even possible? fena, If this is really true...if this senerio is what is happening to you... it is not possible. my gut reaction to this post. please find your happiness within your own self worthy confidence. inini

Bound2One -> RE: Discussing Needs (4/13/2008 3:23:01 PM)
Hi, fena. I perved your profile to get a feel for what kind of relationship you have. You're currently 24/7 live-in training with your Dominant, correct? If this core need was something you knew of prior to moving in with your Dominant, I would have hoped you would have at least mentioned it to him. If it is something that is newly discovered by you (which happens when in training), then you both need to figure out if you can compromise and make this work. Either way, you're going to give up the core need and have to determine whether you can live with that or not. Is he willing to talk with you about it, or does he dismiss your need without a discussion?

catize -> RE: Discussing Needs (4/13/2008 3:25:56 PM)
If I have a need that he has no interest in dicussing/negotiating/meeting, then I say, "Apparently this will not work out. Buh-bye and well wishes."

softpjOS -> RE: Discussing Needs (4/13/2008 4:19:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: simplyfena How does one go about discussing needs in a building M/s relationship? If the Dominant has a negative interpretation or perception of a sub's/slave's particular core need, how does the sub/slave discuss without contradicting the Dominant? Is that even possible? hugs fena! as you know, been there...done that. It's not the discussing that tends to find us facing a wall, it's how/when/why we are discussing it. Myself, i tend to attempt to bring stuff up after it's gotten to the point that i'm overly emotional about it. Not a good communication tool by any means and one i work on almost daily. Perhaps the negative feelings She's placed on the topic is directly related to how you've brought it up in the past? I know that's certainly been the problem in my case. Finding a time to sit down and discuss something this important is going to take some scheduling. You need zero interuptions on a day you're both not upset/stressed/distracted..yadda yadda yadda. Difficult in a real world setting but something you are both going to have to focus on finding. One subject kept coming up between Mistress and myself and i'd find myself feeling like i was banging my head on the wall, getting no where...She simply didn't "understand". Pure frustration! One day She was talking to another Dominant and mentioned the "issue" we kept trying to work out. The other Dominant explained it pretty much just as i had been saying it...the difference, He did so without the emotional aspect i had been giving it. Sit back, think about how you are presenting it and try to see how She's perceiving it. You may be surprised. You know how to reach me :) pj

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Discussing Needs (4/13/2008 4:26:45 PM)
Why would you be pursuing a Dominant who has a negative view of a core need? Going into a relationship hoping that your partner will change their mind is really a recipe for disaster. Sure, it can happen, but why gamble? Find someone who you KNOW can meet that need. But, to answer your question, if they view it negatively, it's likely that any way you bring it up will not be a good way. So, I suggest, "(Insert preferred honorific), I feel that X is a need for me in a relationship. I know that I will need it. Can we discuss some way this need can be met by our relationship...or perhaps outside the relationship?" Go from there. Master Fire

laura2161 -> RE: Discussing Needs (4/13/2008 4:27:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally3 and no its not contradicting him, its expressing your need at a point where you are trying to build a relationship based on trust and clear communication. if at this point he is failing to understand a basic core need then he really needs to unclench his bum a bit and pull that capital D out of his arse. Unless of course as soon as she brings up a 'core need' she is told she is being disrespectful, sickening selfish, and too emotional. Hopefully her Dominant realizes that communication goes both ways.

Daddyslilpookie -> RE: Discussing Needs (4/13/2008 4:38:47 PM)
I absolutely agree here.

mzbehavin -> RE: Discussing Needs (4/13/2008 4:47:04 PM)
I'm curious as to what "core needs" means. Eliminating the obvious, water, food, shelter, (love?), its very subjective. If its too personal, i do respect your privacey, its just hard for me to answer really. Peoples definitions of needs and wants are so different.

metalmiss -> RE: Discussing Needs (4/13/2008 5:09:02 PM)
With my Master at least, when it comes to discussing anything He always listens, even if it is something He isn't going to agree with. In this case He would then ask for the reasons why i would consider that to BE a core need. He would then consider these things and make His decision as to whether or not He would act on that AS a core need. i am under the understanding that i am never to fear talking to Him about anything, bringing up any topic for discussion without the fear of repercussions. Maybe in this i am just lucky. My advice would be to talk and at least try to communicate with Him on this matter.. Try not to think of it as "contradicting" Him. If it is an issue for you, then He needs to at least listen to what you have to say.. Think of it as providing Him with information. If you are His slave, it would seem to me that He needs to know what is going on in His girl's head. Ignored issues have a nasty habit of tearing apart otherwise perfectly good relationships.

sweetnurseBBW -> RE: Discussing Needs (4/13/2008 6:21:50 PM)
Be upfront and honest. If you two cannot come to a middle ground then you probably aren't compatible. Why stay with someone that is one sided and only cares for themselves? It is a symbiotic relationship not a one way street.

katie978 -> RE: Discussing Needs (4/13/2008 7:13:53 PM)
The reason I'm in a relationship is to fulfill my needs. It just so happens that several of my needs involve making someone else (my dom, mainly) happy and fulfilling his needs. However, if he belittled one of my needs, I would have a serious problem (depending on the need). Were it something minor, like a need to have sex upside-down once a year, and a dom belittled it, I could deal with that. Were it something major, like the need to know that my partner respects me and cares for me, the dom's reaction would be unacceptable and I would end the relationship. Yes, I am sub. Yes, I do think that part of my submission is letting my minor needs and wants get pushed aside to serve my dom's wants and needs. However, my main needs are not something the can be compromised. and if they're not being fulfilled, I see no reason to stay in a situation.

Hissouthsidegirl -> RE: Discussing Needs (4/13/2008 7:20:40 PM)
This post covers my thoughts on this very well Thank you katie978 [:)]

simplyfena -> RE: Discussing Needs (4/14/2008 7:00:04 AM)
Very much appreciate the input from E/everyone. Thank Y/you. The issue is how i communicate as well as how i don't. Have come along way, just not as far as needed. Will take time and patience.

MladyHathor -> RE: Discussing Needs (4/14/2008 7:26:18 AM)
I have as of late been doing allot of work and study in this area---what I have learned is that in order to enable a sub/slave to be all that they want to be or can be, a Dominant needs to know them---well--positive and negative--and that knowledge doesn't stop through out the relationship. That also means determining which of those needs are for the benefit or detriment of the relationship---you mention a negative response to a need---that covers a pretty big spectrum---is it to have a relationship with one's family? is it smoking? is it chocolate fixes? I don't think one can generalize--for example, if My sub needs chocolate on occasion I am more than willing to negotiate on that UNLESS they are allergic, tend to overeat, etc etc. If My sub wants to spend time with their family and everytime that happens their is resultant drama--well I'd be thinking twice-- *so the net is, communicate--and because you have given over authority, you may need to abide by the decision.*

OsideGirl -> RE: Discussing Needs (4/14/2008 7:35:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: simplyfena If the Dominant has a negative interpretation or perception of a sub's/slave's particular core need, how does the sub/slave discuss without contradicting the Dominant? First of all stating your core values and needs should not be considered contradicting the Dominant. These are the things that are at the core of who we are and what we believe. Being with someone that discounts your core values and core needs does not make for a healthy relationship. It eventually leads to resentment which will eat away at the relationship. So, you need to have a frank and honest discussion outside of the roles of Dom and sub. If he can't respect those core needs and core values, then you need to consider where that relationship is going.

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