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Voltare -> RE: Doms/Masters...submissives/slaves...keeping them straight? (3/2/2004 10:53:58 AM)
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BA,
while I do follow your logic, respectfully I disagree. While I do prefer an experianced slave over an experienced submissive, my reasonings for being with a woman focus far less upon her lifestyle expectations, and a good deal more on her personal qualities.
While I do not have 30+ years on the lifestyle, from my experiences I've seen a good number of people who believe as you do, that the relationship starts with pre-determined expectations, rules, even so far as an initial contract within a few weeks of meeting. While it's not my place to judge anyone's lifestyle choices, I do suggest that if I enter a relationship with a woman, it isn't because she is a slave, submissive, bottom, switch, masochist, or just into kinky sex. I do have clearly defined tastes. I am a sadist. I prefer Total Power Exchange relationships. I am an exhibitionist. I do enjoy bondage. NONE of these interests or tastes define the type of woman I would be happy with. I firmly believe that over time, the emotional bonds formed between two people creates a sense of satisfaction, in and out of the bedroom. When I stop looking at my girlfriend/wife/lover as the woman she is, and I start critically analyzing her as an object (even though I enjoy objectification 'play') she will never meet my expectations. I do not find my 'love' for her to be based upon her capacity to facilitate or satisfy my kinks or fetishes, but rather to be based upon her emotional and intellectual capacity to satisfy me.
I will admit, by this statement I could be held to say that I don't 'need' BDSM - that couldn't be further from the truth. I have stopped seeking out vanilla partners/dates/girlfriends, but not maybe for the reason one would think. I do find intellectual and emotional satisfaction, but most vanilla women I've become involved with, find themselves drawn into 'my' world. They experience new sensations, new ways of feeling, new ways of approaching relaitonships, in a sense learning from the shared experiences. In effect, they become involved in the lifestyle - but have a hard time equating the person I am, today, with the person they imagined me to be, last month.
I will concede perhaps that age has a great deal to do with my expectations. At 27, I tend not to consider relationships with a woman more then 10 years my senior. Women my age may be less rooted in their preferred role/expectations of a relationship then an experienced submissive of 15 years might be.
In the end, I simply suggest that the roles we assume or claim are far less important to consider, then the quality of the person within that role. If a woman is an experienced submissive for 10 years, and looking for a new relationship - perhaps the previous relationship ended, because she's really a slave, or has desires to be a slave. Perhaps a man looking for a new submissive is actually a submissive himself, and seeking a woman strong enough to teach him submission. As we mature, we learn and grow from our experiences. When we see the boundries of submission and dominance to be finite and immobile, we cease to grow within that role.
Stephan
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