submissive jealousy ... am I missing something?

submissive jealousy ... am I missing something? (Full Version)

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PADommemalesubs -> submissive jealousy ... am I missing something? (4/25/2008 1:11:30 AM)
Greetings from Harrisburg, PA, This is My first forum post (I guess I'm a forum 'newbie' [;)]) so here goes ... Background: Recently, I created a local Lifestyle Group for Dommes and malesubs. I always meet prospective malesub members before inviting them to My home and, as I hand-pick all M/members, the majority of the boys want to spend "alone time" with Me. I spend "alone time" with one boy at a time to determine if he might be the boy that I ultimately will call Mine. Scenario: I found a charming boy that I was spending alone time with ... doing both Lifestyle and vanilla activities. he just told Me that he was so jealous when I played with another at an event that he could not continue to spend alone time with Me. I explained that play time with a malesub (an unattached, attentive, obedient boy that assisted Me with setup) by the Hostess is natural and does not mean the same as spending "alone time" with someone special. Question: If you ... a malesub ... were fortunate enough to capture the attention of a Lady and She has chosen you as the one She wishes to spend "alone time" with ... would you be strong enough to handle it if She plays with another at a Group function? More facts: - he is not new to the lifestyle and has attended other munches where more than one Domme has played with him ... so the "did he think I would only play with him" question need not be asked. - there are significantly more submissive males seeking Dommes in My area (and, from what I read, in the majority of areas). - I am assuming his statement was true and he was not trying to "get out of" seeing Me (he had not petitioned Me so W/we had no arrangement). - the "play time" in question was demonstrating "spanking" - while the activity did get provocative, I remained fully clothed and no genitalia-contact was made. While I have moved on (no offense, but there are so many charming boys out there), I am still quite perplexed by his reaction. Ms. Minx Group Owner PA Dommes and malesubs ====================================

sunshinemiss -> RE: submissive jealousy ... am I missing something? (4/25/2008 1:21:33 AM)
Hello Pad Miss ==================================== By the way ... can someone explain to Me how to add the cuffs / paddles / etc ... to the left side of a post <showing words like demented, perverted, etc ...>? Much appreciated. ==================================== http://www.collarchat.com/m_117979/tm.htm peace, sunshine

PADommemalesubs -> RE: submissive jealousy ... am I missing something? (4/25/2008 1:31:09 AM)
Good morning, sunshine, Thanks so much for explaining ... once I posted I noticed the number and modified My initial post to remove the question ... you were mighty quick on the reply button to respond to Me before I deleted the question (a superb characteristic for a slave to have).

sunshinemiss -> RE: submissive jealousy ... am I missing something? (4/25/2008 1:35:39 AM)
Hello Pad Miss, Thank you for the compliment. I'm in Asia, so it's just about dinner time here. I'm taking a break *winks. Most folks in your neck of the woods are sleeping I expect. Have a lovely day. peace, sunshine

Usako -> RE: submissive jealousy ... am I missing something? (4/25/2008 1:40:29 AM)
Agh, that was so annoying to read with all the / crap, but, I pressed on because I found this amusing. Just because someone is "submissive" doesn't make them any less of a person. And, FYI, people get jealous. Not all, but it happens. Imagine that. He got jealous and saw something he doesn't want. It's like someone's bf/gf/spouse flirting with someone else and/or kissing/touching. They will, of course, be jealous...well normally. No offense but your post is insanely pretentious, as if how dare he should be...what lucky to have been given a chance by you and now he's a silly male who turned it down. He obviously doesn't want to share, and he'll find someone who fits with his desires. He has every right not to want to see the person he's with (I guess you could call it that) making grubby hands over other people. It's his right as a person. And it's your right to tell him that's just how you roll and either go for the ride or get out of the car. You two weren't...an item or whatever it's called so he found out before getting too deep that seeing the person he's with play with other people isn't his bag and said see ya. I'm no male sub but I can 100% understand why he jetted.

madshysoul -> RE: submissive jealousy ... am I missing something? (4/25/2008 1:45:07 AM)
My first impression reading through this is to question how new this young man was to WIITWD. If you contrast the 'outside' world relationship view with ours, there are some pretty stark differences. "Play time", or "alone time" as you describe it has a much different connotation to someone outside (or new to) our world. The reverse of your situation I've found true as a female submissive, that someone I choose to play with once at an event as an educational thing I often find myself having to explain that "No, we aren't "anything".... sorry. I'm glad you had fun...but shoo now." It's not that they're wrong, or stupid... just new. I would carefully examine how you meet the young men, and how you explain what the significance that you place on your time with them. On one hand, it's possible you might not be clarifying enough that fun =/= permanent relationship. It is also possible that you just hit one unstable person that just isn't willing to grasp reality and is so desperate for human contact that he'll take what he can get. All things are possible. (Edit: And on a re-read I see that the young man in question isn't new to the scene, so that kills that part of my theory at least.)

RCdc -> RE: submissive jealousy ... am I missing something? (4/25/2008 2:07:40 AM)
I am not a male submissive, however I will respond with the thought that for some people play does equal either sex or intimacy. If the male submissive is not poly orientated or not used to being part of a group dynamic in any capacity - this could be a reason. It might be worthwhile asking him directly if all of his service record had some form of sex or intimacy. Some people cannot submit or play unless they form a connection and he may have a difficult time grasping the concept of casual play. And here is a generalisation - many males(not all) are territorial regardless of whether they are submissive or not. I wouldn't view jealousy as a negative emotion unless it becomes obsessive. It is his way of showing he has deeper feelings for you so it isn;t necessarily and bad thing, depending on how he handles it. the.dark.

Dnomyar -> RE: submissive jealousy ... am I missing something? (4/25/2008 5:30:05 AM)
If he is the jealouse type dump him and move on. Why put up with head games from him.

MladyHathor -> RE: submissive jealousy ... am I missing something? (4/25/2008 5:39:31 AM)
quote: he is not new to the lifestyle and has attended other munches where more than one Domme has played with him ... so the "did he think I would only play with him" question need not be asked. No, I don't agree--each Domina has differing rules, practices and beliefs--if he didn't ask IMHO, You should have been responsible to tell him. Whether you thought he knew or not, its called "clarity in expectations". And as YOU can see, his definition of "alone time" doesn't appear to be the same as yours----communication people.

RavenMuse -> RE: submissive jealousy ... am I missing something? (4/25/2008 6:12:10 AM)
In full agreement with MH on this. My way or the highway is fine and dandy.... so long as it is crystal clear what My way entails and they know what is being entered into. If the consent You get is not an informed one then You and the s type are in for a rocky (and possible short) ride.

pettingdragons -> RE: submissive jealousy ... am I missing something? (4/25/2008 6:38:25 AM)
Communication is the most important part of live...lifestyle or not. Trust comes a close second for me ....but then i cannot have trust without communication.... Talk to each other....i am a fan of casual play...(though currently i only play with my Master).....its exciting but i will tell people up front...i these are my limits...this is what i want this is what i dont...please tell me what you would like...then i think...can i do that...it that what i want...yeah he may be hot as hell but will he get pissed if i go off and play with someone else later....make your thuoghts and feelings clear...and know what YOU want....:) my two cents pamela (Master Dragon's considered slave)

gothicbisub -> RE: submissive jealousy ... am I missing something? (4/25/2008 7:06:52 AM)
I am currently in the situation that you explained. I have experienced a small amount of jealousy when my owner plays with others, however you can have jealousy in a healthy way as well as negative. To me a little healthy jealousy is good in a relationship. It cements how you truly feel for that person and can be a good feeling. Plus in all reality, no matter who my owner may play with, I always know I am number one to her.

littleone35 -> RE: submissive jealousy ... am I missing something? (4/25/2008 7:31:54 AM)
I admot if my Master layed with another i would be jealous. Of course it would not happen becaused we aggreed in the beginning that i would be the only ne he played with. To the op if he cannot handle it then you are well rid of s guy who can't understand the line between play and intimancy. Matt's littleone

littlebitxxx -> RE: submissive jealousy ... am I missing something? (4/25/2008 7:44:23 AM)
Public play time is just that, you play in and with the public. He plays with others but gets jealous if you do...sounds pretty immature to me.

tuff2break -> RE: submissive jealousy ... am I missing something? (4/25/2008 7:59:50 AM)
I am a one person sub. I want the same in a dom/Master. Jealous and possessiveness are just a part of my core personality. I am territorial also. What's mine is mine. I don't like sharing. I came from a household of five siblings, so I know how to share. I just don't want to share my dom/Master in an intimate manner with anyone else. If He was an expert in something and he was demostrating something that I hadn't had experience in, I couldn't bitch and would be proud of Him. I may change my views if I ever get into a long term relationship where the trust has built up and I feel comfortable. I don't know, just my little two cents.

DesFIP -> RE: submissive jealousy ... am I missing something? (4/25/2008 9:26:20 AM)
You're meeting all the boys one on one alone to see if they'll fit in your group. Of course they think you want them for a one on one relationship because you set it up that way. Open up the group or start meeting new people at Starbucks with another member of the group before you invite them to the group proper. Hell, for that matter you could ask other group members to do the Starbuck thing too. I've never heard of a munch where you have to be vetted by the leader in a play session before being told to show at Applebees at 2:00 on a Saturday for lunch. Or wherever you meet. And if you only have play parties and no munches, then that's your solution. Meet people at the munch and decide later after talking to fellow members if you want to invite them to the play party.

atursvcMaam -> RE: submissive jealousy ... am I missing something? (4/25/2008 9:43:21 AM)
Dear Ms Minx, Welcome to the fora. If someone, or a majority, were to respond to You on this thread, Yep, You are missing something, Ma'am, would You not be likely to walk away and say, "Those folks don't know what they are talking about." If, on the other hand, most said Your jealous sub was way out of line, would You not feel more assured of Your stance. If You had gotten no response, or told to look elsewhere for an answer, would You not have been likely to walk away, scratch Your head a bit and said, "Those people do not care about Me a bit." So my question is, Ma'am, did You assure Your sub that he was secure in Y/your relationship, tell him he was being silly, or give him no response at all. i don't really need or want a response, just food for thought.

charlotteS -> RE: submissive jealousy ... am I missing something? (4/25/2008 2:15:15 PM)
You just assumed he knew you would be playing with others or you had informed him before and now he's changing his mind? Either way he has a right to say "this is too hard for me I cannot continue it." If he's being rude and trying to guilt you than good riddance. If he's simply being honest with you about how he feels about the situation than it is still best that you found this incomapatibility out now. What confuses me is that you don't seem to understand why he would be jealous or expect you to be monogamous. Not all submissive desire a situation in which their Dom/me plays with others. It's not the "norm" in the lifestyle. It's simply something that seems to occur more frequently, perhaps becaue we are already exploring our sexuality in a new way. It's something that needs to be discussed. Again, I'm unclear if you had already discussed it with him or just assumed that because he was in the lifestyle he didn't have monogamous expectations or couldn't come to learn that he does. charlotte

kiwisub12 -> RE: submissive jealousy ... am I missing something? (4/25/2008 4:07:01 PM)
i have to agree with DESfip - it sounds as if you are setting up your own personal harem - and giving the leftovers to the rest of the group- and at least one of the "boys" didn't understand. As for the jealousy - are you sure it is jealousy? When i first lived with my Sir, he played with other women, when i was present, while constantly reassuring me that i was number 1. We have been together 2 years and it no longer bothers me that he plays with others - i AM number 1. If you and this man have an ongoing relationship, then he may be feeling insecure and need a bit (or lot) of reassurance.

chamberqueen -> RE: submissive jealousy ... am I missing something? (4/25/2008 4:43:08 PM)
It is interesting to me that the ones that posted that they don't have much of a problem with jealousy feel that way because they know that they are number one in their Dom/me's eyes. Imagine if you knew that you were not. Play can be as intimate as sex to a person, depending upon what their true yearning is. It doesn't surprise me at all to hear of a case of jealousy. It can rear its ugly head even when the sub knows that there are others. The privilege of being with your Dom/me is a great one, and even if you can't make it to an event there can be issues to overcome when it seems that another can be easily inserted into your spot as if you are just one random piece in an assembly line. The more secure a sub feels in a relationship, the less likely they are to let jealousy overcome them. This places the burden on the Dom/me - to make sure that the sub knows, for instance, that others will be played with but that makes them no less important to you. (They don't have to be number one to feel important.) They also won't want it rubbed in their face how much fun you had with someone else unless they are really into humiliation.

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