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RE: How to figure "it" out... - 4/28/2008 9:17:18 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

When you strip away all the complications of D/s dynamics and role expectations etc, what I read here is of someone who is neither happy nor flourishing in this relationship.  I usually recommend communication but that seems sooooo inadequate here.  Though you're a stranger; you just seem miserable to your core and you need to feel the sun on you again - the bringer of life.
 
Subs always seem to be papering over cracks and finding ways to shift blame to themselves etc when something isn't working - and that's what you're doing now.  You need to be out of this relationship for your own sanity....
 
Focus.


I tend to agree with this and all the others who wrote about the possibilities of it just being a mismatch.

There is a strong tendency to view things happening, especially in our lives and our interactions with others, and assign judgments of good or bad and right or wrong. But the truth is often these judgments are just confusing the problems and adding to them.

The power exchange dynamic is a significant compatibility issue and not always or even often can be bridged on love alone. These are relationships like any other and in the end a good relationship gives you the best chance to be happy and have your needs and hopefully strong desires met. If two people being themselves cannot do this for one or the other it is no one’s fault and go from there.



_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: How to figure "it" out... - 5/29/2008 11:26:27 AM   
MasterSteel007


Posts: 54
Joined: 2/13/2008
Status: offline 		Very confusing that sounds....
Sounds like you still love him but want something else besides love maybe?
Or was he really that mean?

_____________________________

"Thank You Sir, May I have another?"

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: How to figure "it" out... - 5/29/2008 12:11:57 PM   
FRSguy


Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		Well you definatly need to talk shit out and then there is the "why havent they talked shit out" aspect of it. There is really no way to help you out with out having some kind of understanding of his perspective on this.  You say that you feel bullied and that is fairly open ended because if you are submisive and have had other D/S relationships and you have no problems with the dynamic in general then of course I have to ask is he a bully type or is he just a bully out of frustration. I know as a Dom especially in sexual situations if I say jump I dont even want to hear the how high question I want your damn feet of the ground. That being said if a sub does not allways follow through as expected then there is an imediate frustration because the Dom has to work for the control which if happens regularly can cause a Dom to question a lot about the subs intention within the relationship.  Again, however, I dont know your guy so there is no way to tell.

I really feel that when it comes to whole thing nothing really changes when it comes to the relatinship part of stuff.  You still have all the same problems as a vanilla realationship with the added bullshit of the bdsm & d/s dynamics.  You say you are a baby girl that needs the effection and Doms and subs start out at a common foundation and learn to grow together... they have to meet each other someplace in the middle so there is a question as to why this didnt happen in your relationship.

If these issues are things you cant talk about in your relationship then you might want to ask yourself is it a relationship or simply a good fuck that leaves you drooling for more the next day. I dont mean to make it seem as though its all on you because it certainly isnt,  I have never really seen a relationship where a single individual caries all the blame but rather bad interaction between the two. I think it basically comes down to is that if you want to keep all the fucking and drooling you guys both have to grow up and take a time out in life and mentally step out of the world you live in and address each other as human being with needs, desires and wants that you both should be able to easily identify and negotiate an amicable truce.  The time to figure out who you are and what you want and how you feel about things is not durring negotiations because frankly he really dosnt care how you feel nor do you really care about how he feels and you both have to be okay with that for now. Stick to what you need and want and simply answer yes or no to his need or wants.... maybe just means your to much of a whoose to take a backlash from saying no. When it comes to his temper you either have to live with it or leave it but to be honest with you I have never heard of a Dom without a temper especially if hes frustrated.

If you cant talk things out and reopen the negotiations that Doms & Subs have on there first meeting then you are screwed or actually you wont be... I would suggest biting the bullet on your pride and really talking it out because right now you are a sub to one man a week from now you could be everybodys sub getting used hard for no gain at all and a whole world of self esteem issues to go with it so weigh what kind of lifestyle you want before making any decisions.... if you roam the boards it dosnt matter how cute you are you can be single for a long time and even if you do find Mr. right then you have to go through all the bullshit of development... not many people like to do that when they are in the middle of it. Like I said you are only presenting a single side to the dynamic so its really hard to tell unless you devulge what is truly going on between the two of you and even then its not like you have any authority to really make a change no mater what your relationship is so at some point you have to pull him in and get some clues going.

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: How to figure "it" out... - 5/29/2008 1:35:19 PM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		perhaps things will be different and/or better, if you both have your own perspective places to reside in again, instead of the whole living together thing.  some of the happiest married couples i have ever met don't live together believe it or not, so there must be something to it.

(in reply to shybaby)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: How to figure "it" out... - 5/29/2008 1:43:24 PM   
OmegaG


Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline 		What do you want?  Do you want him to change to be who you wish to be with, ain't gonna happen.

Do you want to change to be who he wants completely?  you can try for a while but if you don't feel it, it won't last.

Do you think that the two of you can compromise and meet some where in the middle?  it's possible but you both have to want it badly and work on it until it becomes habbit.

Sometimes relationships are just learning processes to prepare us for future, better matched people to enter our lives.

_____________________________


Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to shybaby)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: How to figure "it" out... - 5/29/2008 2:27:39 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSteel007

Very confusing that sounds....


*perks*
 
Oda?!?!?!

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to MasterSteel007)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: How to figure "it" out... - 5/29/2008 2:50:46 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		It's good that you have figured yourself out and that you know you are a shy baby and you need tenderness.  Now, you have to put the other part of that into play and find yourself a KindDaddy instead of a MasterBully.   

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: How to figure "it" out... - 5/29/2008 5:31:14 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSteel007

Very confusing that sounds....


*perks*
 
Oda?!?!?!


I *swear* someone stole my Y!!!

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: How to figure "it" out... - 5/31/2008 9:47:44 AM   
Vampyrefledgling


Posts: 91
Joined: 7/10/2007
Status: offline 		This situation sucks! No one should be in any relationship (vanilla or not) that makes them feel bullied. You have to step back and take stock. You need to figure out if he can be the master you need; if you can be the sub he needs. It sounds like you two have different expectations of what a Master is. To you it is a kind daddy who showers you with affection and tenderness. There is nothing wrong with that. But (and granted I'm inferring all this from the OP) it seems that a 'kind daddy,' is not who your Dom is. Which isn't a good or a bad thing, it just is; he wants a slave. There is nothing wrong with that, but can you do it? And its ok if you can't! Ultimately, you have to be true to yourself. Yes, you're submissive, so am I, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to settle for the first Dom I get serious with just because he's a Dom. I have needs, and if a Master isn't able to fill those, then I won't be able to serve him with everything he deserves. Sometimes things just don't work out.

I agree with everyone who says you and he need to have a long conversation. Maybe he's unaware of how he makes you feel. At any rate, this can't be settled until you two talk. Open, honest communication is the only way a relationship can work.

Good luck!

~Fledgling

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: How to figure "it" out... - 5/31/2008 2:43:45 PM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear shybaby, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
In your original post; it is evident there is conflicting personality traits to which in a 'nut shell' has you both frustrated.  It is perfectly ok and the honest thing to do; to recognize that there is a clash of two strong personality traits.  IF this was any other relationship--would all this be tolerated?  Being of two different personality traits does not make either one of you 'bad' or 'wrong.'
 
I will say this plainly--that a Master-slave relationship is built on trust, communication and a pleasant structure to which does not try endurance or 'toughing it out' -- If one person is unhappy it is the wrong match.
 
That said, bullying is for insecure Dominants, those who do not know the difference between Dominating and Domineering -- anybody can be a jerk--it takes a gentleman that has some sense of value for you and or others; as well as himself/herself --and treat you with dignity and respect as you journey in the world of Master-slave, BDSM and or any other like pursuits.
 
Even the US Army, as far back as the Civil War and perhaps further back that reaches the Revolutionary War; but--for fact; Revised Regulations for the Army of the United States for the year 1861; the first Article in the whole entire rule book is thus: Article 1-Military Discipline:
Section 2: Military authority is to be exercised with firmness, but with kindness and justice to inferiors.  Punishment shall be strictly comfortable to military law.  Section 3: Superiors of every grade are forbidden to injure those under them by tyrannical or capricios conduct, or by abusive language. 
 
The mutual respect is extremely necessary in any relationship; regardless if civilian and or military.
 
Communication is the most important tool for relationships, honesty the other.  But, as an outsider not knowing 'all' about your particular case and both stories--it is the 'adult' thing to do.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to shybaby)
Profile   Post #: 30
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