A Domme's Responsibilities to her sub (Full Version)

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pixelslave -> A Domme's Responsibilities to her sub (6/5/2008 2:37:42 PM)

The following was posted on a local group's discussion board.  The author is unknown.  While it appears to have been written by a male Dominant with his female sub in mind, it would seem to me to equally apply to a female Dominant.  I'm curious as to what the Dommes and subs on this board think about what it says and implies about the nature of our dynamic and the responsibilties a Domme has to her sub.
 
 - pixel
 
 
A Dominant's Promise
 
As the Dominant to my submissive I know that she gives herself to me
in mind, body, soul and spirit and does so of her own volition. In
me she has placed confidence, reliance, faith, hope, and dependence.

I will endeavor to ensure my submissive's needs and desires are
learned, and her limits are respected at all times. I understand
that the gift of submission is priceless and will cherish it always.

Through my actions I will demonstrate that I am in complete control
of myself thus allowing me to impress upon my submissive the need to
relinquish any control she may subconsciously retain in order to
facilitate our erotic power exchange.

I accept responsibility for all aspects of my submissive's life,
ensuring that each decision I make in her regard is the best for her
body, spirit and soul.

Never will I place my submissive in jeopardy, nor will I compromise
the trust she has placed in me.

In order to bring my submissive to new heights and understanding, I
will work to achieve a vast knowledge of all aspects of the
lifestyle, thus allowing me to be the teacher that she so richly
deserves.

I will honor, defend and guard my submissive at all times showing
that my love for her will provide a safe harbor in times of
adversity.

My Dominant self is rooted both in reality and in fantasy, yet I can
easily differentiate the two never allowing the fantasy world to
overtake that of the real world.

In times of distress and hardship, I will shed the role of Dominant
and provide for my submissive, a supportive partner and confidante.

While often unrelenting and strict, bringing my submissive to tears,
I will always kiss away the tears that are shed showing my
submissive that while stern, my heart belongs to her.

I vow never to lift a hand to my submissive in anger. When
punishment is needed it shall always be delivered with a tender and
discerning hand and for a valid reason.

I pledge to my submissive patience and understanding, tolerance and
steadfastness allowing us to grow and nurture the bond we have
established so that it may withstand the test of time.

Above all else, I will wear the title of Dominant with great honor.




SylvereApLeanan -> RE: A Domme's Responsibilities to her sub (6/5/2008 2:55:11 PM)

On the surface, it looks grand. 
 
However, if one reads closely, it's setting up a false ideal of Teh Perfecshun of Twue Domliness.  No human on this earth could live up to the standards set for the dominant.  Additionally, it appears to absolve the submissive of any responsibility for her (or his) own well-being and reduces her to a doormat of questionable mental/emotional competence.
 
What happens the first time the dominant fails at one of these "rules"?  Do we take away his/her merit badge?  Is it reasonable for the slave/sub to expect all of this and, if the dominant is unable to uphold it, does the slave have the right to feel disappointed and betrayed?  Should the domiant feel guilt for such failure?  If the dominant is unable to follow through on these promises for whatever reason, must the relationship be disolved on those grounds?
 
As an ideal, it might be worth striving for, but in real practice, I see it creating more problems than it eliminates. 



LadyPact -> RE: A Domme's Responsibilities to her sub (6/5/2008 3:02:20 PM)

While I agree with most of this piece, and some of it following My own views, I have two issues with it.

First, I think it's going to get some flack for the 'submission is a gift' part.  Personally, I do see submission as something of a gift, in the same way I see friendship or love as a gift.  It isn't meant as a statement that it isn't given, but only with the understanding that something is also given in return.  I'm a bit torn on the expression Myself, so I'll leave it at that.

The other part that I am not too sure about is the "I will always be in control of Myself" portion.  Now, had the person said always in control of a scene or control of the dynamic, I might have bought it.  As a Dominant, I don't think I am always in control of Myself.  I may be in control of My actions and reactions, but not always of the self.  I could become ill.  I could be emotional.  I could throw out several things and situations where I do not think I am especially in control.

As to the rest of it, yes, it probably was written by a male, but I don't think that is an issue.  Many times, I think people tend to put the meaning of a Dominant as different between gender lines.  I do not agree with the notion.  I feel just as much responsibility toward My submissive as My male counterparts feel toward their girls. 

Thank you for the interesting article.



Leatherist -> RE: A Domme's Responsibilities to her sub (6/5/2008 3:13:58 PM)

1. Be sure to get all of the money.
 
2. Make it clear, there are more waiting-suck it in buddy.
 
3. Goddesses are always correct..
 
[:D]



chamberqueen -> RE: A Domme's Responsibilities to her sub (6/5/2008 3:20:16 PM)

I think it's beautiful and something to aspire to.  I know that my submission is a gift, though others may feel differently about theirs.  I don't go into a session wondering what I will get out of it, but wondering about what I can do to be the most pleasing.  I get my fulfillment through knowing that I have done a good job along with the corresponding signs of appreciation.

This promise embodies what my Master does with me.  He takes care of me in both vanilla and lifestyle ways, takes pride in what I do in both of those facets in my life, and nurtures our bond.  He is not perfect, as I am not, but we feel that we are a perfect match.  What we both most want to give is exactly what the other most wants to receive.



DominantJenny -> RE: A Domme's Responsibilities to her sub (6/5/2008 3:25:13 PM)

FR

Pretty much what SylvereApLeanan said. It's all very pretty and romantic, written to make the submissive heart swoon.

About the only thing that stands as really true to me is that if I'm going to assume control of someone else's life, I'd damn well better be responsible about it...and behave in such a way as to continue to deserve the right to that control. On the flip side, I expect and even demand to be treated with the respect I have worked and continue to work damned hard to earn.

Once upon a time, back in the newbie days, I'd've been very "oh, yes, very well said", but I've been around the block a bit too long now, I think.



ShaktiSama -> RE: A Domme's Responsibilities to her sub (6/5/2008 4:36:21 PM)

I agree with most of it in principle, although the wording is a bit flowery.  The lines that imply that I will seek and achieve some kind of BDSM omniscience and become a dominant guru to my submissive make me a little uncomfortable, though.  I could never promise in conscience that I would always know more about any subject than my submissive does--I've always been attracted to highly intelliigent and capable men, and part of the appeal of such men is that they know more than I do about some subjects.  What if BDSM was one of them?  What if the submissive has far more academic interest in the subject than I do?  I've actually known a submissive man in Vancouver who was researching and writing an academic and historical non-fiction book on the subject--I think it would be ridiculous to assume that the women he enjoys submitting to always know more than he does about "the lifestyle".

I suppose if I was to alter this piece at all, I would change the tone slightly to show more respect for the submissive's accomplishments and agency?  This promise makes it sound a bit as if the submissive must be a complete neophyte and much less intelligent and capable than I am...and I might add a line in which I promised to willingly and gracefully receive love, support and wisdom if it was needed.  "I promise that I will not pretend to be omnipotent or superhuman to hide my own vulnerability" is a vow that more dominants need to make and keep, in my opinion.



ElanSubdued -> RE: A Domme's Responsibilities to her sub (6/5/2008 4:47:35 PM)

Shakti,

quote:

The lines that imply that I will seek and achieve some kind of BDSM omniscience and become a dominant guru to my submissive make me a little uncomfortable, though.  I could never promise in conscience that I would always know more about any subject than my submissive does -- I've always been attracted to highly intelligent and capable men, and part of the appeal of such men is that they know more than I do about some subjects.  What if BDSM was one of them?


Just to pour more fuel on the fire while agreeing with you...

I've known more about certain, vanilla subjects and aspects of BDSM than a few of my Domina partners.  So I taught my partners a thing or two just as they did me on other subjects.  This seems like a perfectly normal, healthy, prudent thing to do.  One of the strengths of a good leader is to acknowledge and use the resources at their disposal.  Were I a Domina who had a boy that was an expert on a subject of interest to me, I'd use him and learn from him.  Yes, I'd use him damn well. :-)

Elan.



ElanSubdued -> RE: A Domme's Responsibilities to her sub (6/5/2008 4:51:51 PM)

pixel,

Gee... I'm feeling like a bit of a simpleton.  Responsibilities of a Domina to her submissive?  As a submissive, just reliable, regular, honest, and (when appropriate) affectionate communication addresses many of my needs.

Elan.



pixelslave -> RE: A Domme's Responsibilities to her sub (6/5/2008 9:51:47 PM)

What follows are my comments on what others have written in response to the piece along with my own thoughts on it. [:)]
 
quote:

Original: Lady Pact
First, I think it's going to get some flack for the 'submission is a gift' part.  Personally, I do see submission as something of a gift, in the same way I see friendship or love as a gift.  It isn't meant as a statement that it isn't given, but only with the understanding that something is also given in return.  I'm a bit torn on the expression Myself, so I'll leave it at that.


Point well taken.  While I still view my submission as something of a gift, I also view it as something I readily give as part of a power exchange with a Dominant without keeping score of what I receive in return in the form of her dominance.
 
quote:


The other part that I am not too sure about is the "I will always be in control of Myself" portion.  Now, had the person said always in control of a scene or control of the dynamic, I might have bought it.  As a Dominant, I don't think I am always in control of Myself.  I may be in control of My actions and reactions, but not always of the self.  I could become ill.  I could be emotional.  I could throw out several things and situations where I do not think I am especially in control.


Being sick is not something you have control over, so I don't think that counts.  In the context in which it was written, the dominant was saying that if he wasn't in control of his life, how could he possibly take control of parts or all of a submissives life?  Taken in that context, I totally agree with him!  Like everything, it's a continous process of self-improvement and not an absolute. 
 
I'd expect my dominant to be at least as much in control of her emotions and behavior as I am of mine; not just while scening, but in her vanilla life as well.  If she's exhibiting addictive behaviors and clearly not able to maintain self-control, I certainly don't want to turn my safety and control of parts of my life over to her. [image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m23.gif[/image]
 
quote:


I feel just as much responsibility toward My submissive as My male counterparts feel toward their girls.


Agreed and as it should be IMO!
 
quote:

Original: SylvereApLeanan 
it's setting up a false ideal of Teh Perfecshun of Twue Domliness

 
I think as you pointed out later in your post that "As an ideal, it might be worth striving for".
 
quote:
If the dominant is unable to follow through on these promises for whatever reason, must the relationship be disolved on those grounds?

 
I personally don't think a Dominant should be making promises they know they can't keep.  There are always emergencies and things that happen, but that shouldn't be the rule.  If it's common place, then it seems to me the Dominant needs to reexamine their priorities and the promises they make.  A Dominant wouldn't tolerate a sub breaking promises all the time, so why should the Dominant be held to a different standard? [&:]
 
quote:

Original: ShaktiSama
I suppose if I was to alter this piece at all, I would change the tone slightly to show more respect for the submissive's accomplishments and agency?  This promise makes it sound a bit as if the submissive must be a complete neophyte and much less intelligent and capable than I am...and I might add a line in which I promised to willingly and gracefully receive love, support and wisdom if it was needed.  "I promise that I will not pretend to be omnipotent or superhuman to hide my own vulnerability" is a vow that more dominants need to make and keep, in my opinion.


Very good Shakti!  A rare occasion to celebrate, we're in agreement on something again! [;)]  We're indeed all human, and cough, cough, no domme is perfect, cough, cough, cough.  We subs want to be there for our dommes when they go through difficult times.  We want them to let us in and allow us to help them.  Many seem to feel they must keep up an image of being perfect and can't allow themselves to accept that kind of help and support from us.  To me that's a genuine shame that they can share such deep intimacy with us, getting deep inside our minds and psyches, yet won't acknowledge their own frailties and humanity.
 
As to my personal comments, at the end of paragraph 1, I never want to be totally dependant on a Domme!  I hope to be able to contribute to the relationship, not drain her of her energies; doing my part to create a synergy between us that makes "us" more than the combination of the two individuals working together as a single unit.
 
In paragraph 4, I don't expect my Domme to be responsible for all aspects of my life.  It's her choice to delegate responsibility for things I'm perfectly capable of taking care of on my own as an adult male who by now should be able to many things very well without her help!  If she has that kind of need for control, we're probably not likely to be very compatible to begin with as I don't generally need to be micromanaged which I'd see as a waste of her time unless of course she proves me otherwise. [&o]
 
In paragraph 6, trust is essential to any relationship, especially one grounded on D/s.  In paragraph 7, I expect my Dominant to be knowelegeable in techniques before we try something new, being mentored by another if necessary, so I see that as being consistent with what I'd want. 
 
I'd slightly modify paragraph 8.  I want to be loved and respected by my Domme for being a male who is submissive to her.  That paragragraph touches on it, but doesn't fill that particular item which is a male specific need.  I want to know that after I've been her "slut" or pleased her every desire, that she loves and respects me as a man and that that's also what attracts her to me. [:D]
 
Paragraph 10 fits well for me in that I'm looking for a friend and partner as well as a Domme.
 
Finally, one very big one that stands out overall as particularly missing to me is a commitment to open and honest communication.  To me, if a Domme feels she needs to punish me, the reality is we probably need to sit down and talk because clearly there's been some kind of failure to communicate or some misunderstanding that's led to her disappointment in me.  I have no desire to displease her and wouldn't consciously do so. 
 
That's my summary on how I view what was written.  I hope it leads to further discussion. [:)]
 
 - pixel


Edited to fix problems with matching quotes. LOL! 



stella41b -> RE: A Domme's Responsibilities to her sub (6/5/2008 9:55:32 PM)

I don't like it. I don't like it because it tries to set a standard and it creates false expectations and would probably lead to a less enlightened submissive making a good/bad quality judgment. It also suggests a very false premise that the Dominant is more responsible for the relationship somehow than the submissive. True? I doubt it.

Any two people in a relationship share the responsibility not just for the relationship but to each other and I don't think this is something which can be generalized into any sort of standard. No two Dommes are alike, and neither are two submissives, and it's only their interaction which defines the relationship. Apart from this basic responsibility and for a Domme to be herself, I really don't have any other expectations.

When it comes down to responsibility I feel it is more to do with you as a person rather than whether you're Dominant or submissive and that responsibility extends to the wellbeing of the other person, you yourself and the relationship between you.

A promise is nothing other than a comfort to a fool.



rubberpet -> RE: A Domme's Responsibilities to her sub (6/6/2008 4:56:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pixelslave
A Dominant's Promise
 
As the Dominant to my submissive I know that she gives herself to me
in mind, body, soul and spirit and does so of her own volition. In
me she has placed confidence, reliance, faith, hope, and dependence.

I will endeavor to ensure my submissive's needs and desires are
learned, and her limits are respected at all times. I understand
that the gift of submission is priceless and will cherish it always.

Through my actions I will demonstrate that I am in complete control
of myself thus allowing me to impress upon my submissive the need to
relinquish any control she may subconsciously retain in order to
facilitate our erotic power exchange.

I accept responsibility for all aspects of my submissive's life,
ensuring that each decision I make in her regard is the best for her
body, spirit and soul.

Never will I place my submissive in jeopardy, nor will I compromise
the trust she has placed in me.

In order to bring my submissive to new heights and understanding, I
will work to achieve a vast knowledge of all aspects of the
lifestyle, thus allowing me to be the teacher that she so richly
deserves.

I will honor, defend and guard my submissive at all times showing
that my love for her will provide a safe harbor in times of
adversity.

My Dominant self is rooted both in reality and in fantasy, yet I can
easily differentiate the two never allowing the fantasy world to
overtake that of the real world.

In times of distress and hardship, I will shed the role of Dominant
and provide for my submissive, a supportive partner and confidante.

While often unrelenting and strict, bringing my submissive to tears,
I will always kiss away the tears that are shed showing my
submissive that while stern, my heart belongs to her.

I vow never to lift a hand to my submissive in anger. When
punishment is needed it shall always be delivered with a tender and
discerning hand and for a valid reason.

I pledge to my submissive patience and understanding, tolerance and
steadfastness allowing us to grow and nurture the bond we have
established so that it may withstand the test of time.

Above all else, I will wear the title of Dominant with great honor.


Hmmmm, sounds like a LOT for a domme to live up to...no pressure, right? [;)]

Maybe my goddess should read this...nah!!!  No wonder I'm so happy being Her slave.  She does everything above to the letter and She doesn't even realize it.  That is why She is the perfect domme!  Oops...wrong thread! [:D]



MsStarlett -> RE: A Domme's Responsibilities to her sub (6/6/2008 5:52:34 AM)

Pfft!  Not my thing.  My 'job' is to make myself and vicariously, my sub, happy.

--------

That being said... I'm having the best time getting ready for my new toy's first visit.  I can't believe how many trips I've made to the store to make sure I have everything NEW for him.  It's his first time.  *evil grins*  I want it to be special for him.  It's been DECADES since I've had  a  'virgin'.



rubberpet -> RE: A Domme's Responsibilities to her sub (6/6/2008 6:05:56 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsStarlett

Pfft!  Not my thing.  My 'job' is to make myself and vicariously, my sub, happy.

--------

That being said... I'm having the best time getting ready for my new toy's first visit.  I can't believe how many trips I've made to the store to make sure I have everything NEW for him.  It's his first time.  *evil grins*  I want it to be special for him.  It's been DECADES since I've had  a  'virgin'.



Well, if Mistress puts that level of dedication to me, no wonder I give to Her everything I do, including that I would lay down my life to protect and defend Her.  Just my logic of thinking, though...everyone is different.

Best of luck to you on your visitor, MsStarlett...have fun popping his cherry! [:D]



MySweetSubmssive -> RE: A Domme's Responsibilities to her sub (6/6/2008 7:32:08 AM)

There's something saccharine about this poem that sets my teeth on edge.  I haven't even read it all the way through yet -- it's like sitting next to a woman who has put on way too much perfume.

My next visceral responses are that the poem is heroic, romantic (and I don't mean this in a good way) and Hallmark card, soft-focus.  I think absolutes are a way to set yourself up for failure. 

Give me real!  (smiling)

Mss



passub -> RE: A Domme's Responsibilities to her sub (6/6/2008 8:00:25 AM)

Ehhh, surely this is a personal thange - between these 2 people, for others to start to comment on
it or second guess it israther like looking at a beautiful woman, matter of personal preference.

It be their life and way - so - ok - different strokes for folks...soo..?????
Good luck to them... but other than that..ehhhhh..??????



LadyLynx -> RE: A Domme's Responsibilities to her sub (6/6/2008 8:01:05 AM)

exactly LadyPact! tried explaining it that way on another board, and failed miserably.



DiurnalVampire -> RE: A Domme's Responsibilities to her sub (6/6/2008 8:20:43 AM)

Its a Dominant Love poem. It is meant to be flowery and make a submissive giddy with romance. It isnt a fit for everyone, but it is a very romantic idea. It is NOT a set of rules or standards. That would be like trying to live up to "How do I love thee..."
Taken for what it is, a beautiful expression of sentiment, it is lovely. Taken as a list of rules having anything to do with real life, it falls short.

DV



Madame4a -> RE: A Domme's Responsibilities to her sub (6/6/2008 8:43:34 AM)

as with most things like this I read.. I find myself asking practical questions...

like...

when will the cat boxes get cleaned?



rubberpet -> RE: A Domme's Responsibilities to her sub (6/6/2008 9:49:16 AM)

Hmmmm, lots of people in this world seem to take things too literal or analyze something down to it's molecular structure.  It was nice to read something like that poem.  It's a shame so many people who've responded seem to be cynical.  They tend to think of things like "practicality".  The poem was meant to stir hope in something "pure" while showing that there is some beauty and reverence on both sides of D/s.  Let's just appreciate the simplicity and beauty of what was said instead of tearing it apart based on jaded happenings of the past, cynicism, and practicality.  It gives people something to shoot for.  Remember the time when it was OK to believe in something with a bit of innocent youth like going into space and touching a star?  I guess people would now say something like, "Fuel prices are too high to go out into space", or "Don't touch that, it'll burn you!"

What's next...telling a four-year-old on Christmas that he doesn't have presents under the tree is because there isn't a Santa?

***steps down off the soap box*** [sm=soapbox.gif]



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