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suhlut -> RE: Please Respond -- Symptoms of Neuro Illnesses (7/17/2008 9:37:43 AM)
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AngelikaJ ~ thanks for the hug!
LadyRainfire ~Thanks for the thoughts and prayers.
wandersalone ~ thanks for your thoughts
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Boy its strange what happens when being so self absorbed in your own fears, about your own well being, to find out all the while, i just kept thinking, "He (my brother) doesn't have it.." to be hit over the head with such news, that he does, is a real eye opener.
i've learned that i wasn't nearly the aware person i thought i was, because now that my eyes have been opened to that truth, i can see every lil thing i apparently overlooked before. If i'd have payed attention enough, he wouldn't have needed to be tested, i could have told him. The signs are all there.
It's killing me, to look at him, watch him, and see the same things, that our mother went through. Perhaps i was in denial? Maybe, but i also think i was too simply self absorbed, to have seen it before now.Blind, yep that was me.
i have aside from that brother, four older sisters, Three of whom are around in my life, but the other was one my mother gave up for adoption, that we found right before my mother got too sick, so they were able to meet,and spend time getting to know each other, but i just dont think she could handle the truth, of now having to face a possible hereditary disease, so, our relationship with her, died off,and she moved away,and despite several attempts at writing to her, all my letters were ignored.
The oldest two sisters, are both well into their 50's and from everything i can see,neither of them have the disease.
The third older sister, i am concerned about, i think its a possibility that she has it.
And then theres me, and well with me, i go back and forth, scared of every lil twitch, every slurred word, and then i have moments, where i think i don't have it. i am tired of that back and forth crap, and its time for me to find out.
And then after me is my brother. He is almost 35 years old, has two children, and will spend the rest of his life, knowing. If anyone prays for him, and my family, pray for a cure, and even more important, that none of the children in this family, ever have to face it themselves.
i am often pleading in my prayers, that it doesnt matter if i have it, but please, oh pleaseeee none of my 5 children!.
So, anyways, i spent several hours with my brother yesturday, and found myself often staring at him, when he wasn't looking. He and i didn't have very ideal childhoods, and we both grew up disliking and sometimes hating each other, but i am ever so greatful, he and i talked many years ago,as adults and got over all of that. i am so glad it was resolved then, and not now, i'd have hated to think that the disease was what brought us back into each others hearts.
It was awful, looking at him like that, seeing things i hadnt noticed before, and seeing visions of how my mother had been so similar. i love him so much. And thats what makes all of this so awful. i've been experiencing somthing all new lately, a whole new thing to worry about, that hadn't ever crossed my mind before~
And that is, where i question myself, what if i don't have it? Will he learn to hate me? How do i deal with the guilt of knowing i don't and he does? And worse of all, how am i going to live the rest of my life, watching as he changes and deteriorates?
i spent so much time, inside this self absorbed cocoon, where i was convinced none of my siblings would inherete the disease, that only i would. That the bad things only happen to me. (Aside from this, theres so many awful things that i have lived through/experienced, that i doubt anyone would believe me, if i ever dared write it all down and tell) And i guess there was lots of anger in my self absorbed state, anger at my siblings, anger at my mother.
And wow, that anger at my mother would be a WHOLE other story to write down...
Anyways, my eyes are open, after reality conked me over the head, and i see so many new and awful things.
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