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RE: 2 in 1 question from a newbie - 6/24/2008 3:29:19 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CagedBird1980

Two part question: i am very new and i want to get into this lifestyle the right way. i feel it's something one shouldn't just jump into without knowing what it is first. The more i learn the more interested i become. i am ready to begin looking for a trainer. Is there any advise on where to look for a proper trainer or what to look for in a proper trainer?

Also, i had begun a conversation online with a female Dom, supposedly. i began to get uncomfortable and expressed this to Her, she was completely rude about it. Demanding little things of me already like, no sex with anyone or shaving until she would be in town in over a month! Did i do the right thing by following my gut or are some Doms like that until they finally meet the sub in person?

i really hope this doesn't sound as stupid as it does to me! lol

Anyone who gets angry because you don't obey them isn't worth obeying...same with guilt of any form, espiecially "if you were real" guilt trips.

Nothing wrong with people who want to mentor or train you IF they ALSO push you to talk to other people, support you in expanding your horizons and education. The ones who want to control you from the get go are the ones to avoid. The only control that MIGHT be positive is if they say "don't sleep with anyone INCLUDING me"...

But as people keep telling you, get out into the community, check it out, see what works for you and what doesn't and go from there.

(in reply to CagedBird1980)

RE: 2 in 1 question from a newbie - 6/24/2008 5:07:06 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

quote:

ORIGINAL: CruelDesires
Post counts don't nessasarily equal up to intelligence or knowledge .

Yes they do.

Thanks for the chuckle.

CD

_____________________________

Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
Lois McMaster Bujold, "A Civil Campaign", 1999

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

RE: 2 in 1 question from a newbie - 6/24/2008 5:10:05 PM

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From: Kentucky
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What?!!!

I was serious!!

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A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to CruelDesires)

RE: 2 in 1 question from a newbie - 6/24/2008 5:51:24 PM

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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Why do I get the feeling the Hibiscus Princess is setting me up for bigggg trouble?

MOI???? It was YOUR suggestion, I am merely the enabler!

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[page 23 girl]

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

RE: 2 in 1 question from a newbie - 6/24/2008 7:32:50 PM

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From: Charleston, WV
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You really don't need any other trainer other than yourself. You can educate yourself by reading and attending meetings/demos in your local community.

There are no rules that say you have to put up with behavior that makes you uncomfortable unless you want it.

Master Fire

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The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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(in reply to CagedBird1980)

RE: 2 in 1 question from a newbie - 6/24/2008 7:48:27 PM

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I second the "No Trainer" sentiment. Dominants gotta learn all the hard stuff: tying you up, hitting you with stuff. All a submissive's really got to do is take it.

If you're really service oriented and interested in having fancy tea services and doing crazy subbie yoga poses and learning protocol, that might be the only situation where I would even consider finding someone to train me, and a submissive would probably be the best trainer for this sort of thing.

Every single master has a completely different set of rules. If you learn the rules from some "trainer", then you're master has a completely different set, you'll have to learn everything over again, making more trouble and work for yourself.

If you're just looking for a playbuddy to get you started in the lifestyle, you'd probably do best at a munch and a public dungeon: some people on here looking for a casual relationship are less than savory folk (granted, that's a generalization, but I've found it to be true).

Good luck! And when you're brand new, there are no stupid questions (just stupid repliers (like me!)

)

_____________________________

"That's the plan. Rule the world. You and me. Anyday ::wink::"

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RE: 2 in 1 question from a newbie - 6/24/2008 11:27:04 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: katie978

I second the "No Trainer" sentiment. Dominants gotta learn all the hard stuff: tying you up, hitting you with stuff. All a submissive's really got to do is take it.

If you're really service oriented and interested in having fancy tea services and doing crazy subbie yoga poses and learning protocol, that might be the only situation where I would even consider finding someone to train me, and a submissive would probably be the best trainer for this sort of thing.

Every single master has a completely different set of rules. If you learn the rules from some "trainer", then you're master has a completely different set, you'll have to learn everything over again, making more trouble and work for yourself.

If you're just looking for a playbuddy to get you started in the lifestyle, you'd probably do best at a munch and a public dungeon: some people on here looking for a casual relationship are less than savory folk (granted, that's a generalization, but I've found it to be true).

Good luck! And when you're brand new, there are no stupid questions (just stupid repliers (like me!))

While I agree with most of this statement, there is one aspect of seeking a trainer that was not raised. First though, "trainer" is a VERY vague term. A trainer can be an experienced and mystical master of the dark arts of bondage who will blar blar blar or someone who's good with rough sex, or someone else who wants to learn with you, or even a "bad" trainer (people who want to abuse you....

.... oh god, can't help it... SOME THEM WANT TO BE AAABBUUUSSSED...

*clears throat*

As I was saying, "trainer" is vague, but is usually used for a lack of better title.

Whoever the trainer, and whatever they do to train, I feel its very helpful for someone with natural desire to submit to be taught how to submit. We live our whole lives with society telling us to be independent and in charge, why do people assume doing the opposite comes innately solely because the desire for it is there?

Outside of ritualistic events that need practice and training, I feel a dominant who is patient with new submissives, who are still (I hate to use the word here) "selfish" (focusing on themselves, not their dominant), is very helpful.

So, in short, while the specifics of dominant to dominant will change, I feel there is a large enough common ground* that is worth being taught.

(going to use the general "his" here)
*Some examples of this grey area common ground may be referring to yourself as his, respecting his commands especially when they contradict what you want. ex: "Girl, let me fix dinner. Go watch TV." Sexually, wanting the dominant's pleasure more than your own can be very hard to learn (if it can be learned).

Again, even in this self entitled common ground there will be individual differences, but what I'm saying is if a prospective submissive has that "itch" she can be taught to scratch. No sense in having the poor girl re-invent the wheel when there are professional rollerbladers in this world.

_____________________________

The Loving Owner of HisHeavan

... You've waited your whole life for this moment...

(in reply to katie978)

RE: 2 in 1 question from a newbie - 6/24/2008 11:30:39 PM

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dammit, now that song is stuck in my head....

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Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to HeavansKeeper)

RE: 2 in 1 question from a newbie - 6/25/2008 12:07:20 AM

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My advice?

Find a friend-not an asshat with a self awarded title.

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I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to CagedBird1980)

RE: 2 in 1 question from a newbie - 6/25/2008 6:10:48 AM

MasterDragon1963

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Joined: 10/2/2005
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I wont deny this world doesnt have its shares of snares, lord knows there are plenty of vultures just waiting for a newbie to victemize. Learning and understanding will help reduce that. Be up front and direct about what you need and what, if your not sure, then just say that. There are lots of honest helpful people in the community who are willing to help, but theres just as many idiots looking to get their jollies, and their not interested in your well being. I think a trainer or mentor is a good idea because of one direct concept, your there to learn and explore in a safe enviroment. I have seen way too many newbies coaxed into being trained by someone who is only interested in adding another sex toy to their harem. Start by joining a safe group, ask around, get references, talk and learn. then chose carefully. Any Dom who has no patience for a newbie isnt worth considering. A good trainer isnt interested in collaring you, or making you their next "quicky". If one paticular trainer isnt around, then hanging with a small group is a good source, that way you get a variety of answer and choices to your questions and discoveries. ind out who you are, what you need, your own limitations, seek to explore yourself. Then explore the universe.

Master Dragon

_____________________________

It is not enough to walk thru the fire, but to embrace it, the flesh may be burned, but the pureness of the spirit shall endure forever.

(in reply to CagedBird1980)

RE: 2 in 1 question from a newbie - 6/25/2008 6:16:01 AM

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From: Delray Beach, FL
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You don't need a trainer. You need friends and information. Generally, most people who proclaim that they are trainers for submissives, I wouldn't hire to train a dog.

Some suggestions

Ask questions on sites like this and take the answers with a grain of salt

Look up text sites like my own (below) and take the information with more salt

Read some books like those available from www.greenerypress.com Since they usually have been carefully vetted a bit less salt is needed

Find offline social and educational groups and join them

The last thing you night right now is one person's idea of how you should do things

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www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to CagedBird1980)

RE: 2 in 1 question from a newbie - 6/25/2008 9:34:08 AM

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From: The cold bit of the UK
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**FR**

I 'came out' as a sub about 4 years ago, and went through much the same process as you're going through. The replies you've read are full of good advice, but it seems like you've got your head screwed on anyway.

Listen to your 'little voice' - if it says RUN AWAY!! then get those feet moving! I've found that the best way to find a compatible dominant is to talk to them. Over the phone, on IM, in person. You can weed out the 'wannaDoms' by avoiding the ones who want to Dom you before you've met them. They will try to convince you that you aren't a 'twoo subbie' if you won't send them pics of your boobies or strip on webcam. That's what the BLOCK button is for.

Also, keep an open mind. I came into this thinking I was more service-oriented, with pain a necessary evil. Now I know that I'm a complete pain slut who finds humiliation a massive turn-on. You never know what you'll enjoy until you try it!

Treat it like 'nilla dating - get to know them as friends, and if the chemistry is there you can progress from there. There are no rules, just your little voice guiding you. Continue to listen to it and you'll be fine.

Good luck!

(in reply to JohnWarren)

RE: 2 in 1 question from a newbie - 6/25/2008 9:44:59 AM

urlittleprincess

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Joined: 12/18/2007
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i had been curious about the lifestyle for a couple years before meeting my Dom on a vanilla website...it was online, long distance and intense...progressed quickly...but i think i was ready to follow the directions He gave me. at the time, i weighed how His directions made me feel (aroused and excited) compared to what harm it would do to follow them...(none!) His directions were similar to what she gave you...groom myself in a particular way, orgasm control and no other men...do this or do that etc...but nothing that would harm me, nothing unrealistic or make my life at the time difficult. the one thing i will say though is that for me the online play was initially intense and reality paled for a while...its all good now though! :)

i say it all depends on you, your gut feeling....always go with your gut... :)

(in reply to CagedBird1980)

RE: 2 in 1 question from a newbie - 6/27/2008 2:43:43 AM

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sounds like to me your a sharp one..never let your feelings slide..most of the time its right...go out on line make friends..but also if you can meet real people subs and Doms do that too...believe me half of what you see in the rooms never happens in the real world...How in hell can you accept a spanking/correction just on line..and fully understand it! Sure it helps..but nothing is better than real life itself

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

RE: 2 in 1 question from a newbie - 6/27/2008 4:46:57 AM

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Joined: 6/17/2008
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Cagedbird, i started out year several years ago by attending muches, coffees. I met him on line and he took me to a wonderful local BDSM group.

i wish you well in your search. Be careful and perhaps get a Mentor to study by for starters. You need to know where you fit d/s, m/s, switch etc. There are many avenues to explore and its not always an easy road.

The more you study the more you will find what a wondeful life this is!

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"forever learning"

(in reply to CagedBird1980)

RE: 2 in 1 question from a newbie - 6/27/2008 7:45:25 AM

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From: Alabama
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CruelDesires

My advice would be for you to find a experianced submissive mentor rather then a "dominant' one.

that's the best advice you can get.

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all the good ones are collared or lesbians.

or old.

(in reply to CruelDesires)

RE: 2 in 1 question from a newbie - 6/29/2008 7:27:07 AM

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Well, I will tell you that a real "Trainer"... someone like myself, has a different opinion on some of these issues. Yes, if you want to have a great Dom/sub relationship with someone, you should seek out that someone and allow the training and expectations to grow within the relationship. But, if you are a novice and have no clue what you should do or will be expected to do as a sub or slave, a trainer is not a bad idea. This person should still be someone you trust and have a pleasant relationship with. Although I agree that I can't train you to please a specific person without knowing that person and having specific guidelines as to what they are looking for in their sub or slave, I CAN train someone to present themselves, how to sit, stand, kneel, and perform specific duties that will make them a more valuable, or appealing submissive or slave. As a trainer I have also trained women to overcome certain sexual issues and become more in touch with themselves or achieve greater enjoyment, such as discovering their multi-orgasmic potential or the things that truly satisfy them. Basically it helps them have a better idea of what kind of Dom/me they want and need to fulfill their own desires.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

RE: 2 in 1 question from a newbie - 6/29/2008 12:29:11 PM

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And i thought i would add To my previous post. i think people hesitate about so called trainers because most who call themselves that are anything but. much like being a school teacher, there are those who hold the position and then a Much smaller number who actually know how to teach. There is basic instruction and advanced instruction. So often i read posts or articles about training and its nothing more than "she didn't do it right so i whipped her." lol.

(in reply to EldroRolod)

RE: 2 in 1 question from a newbie - 6/29/2008 12:46:25 PM

Masterdarkone29

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I agree here with EldroRolod.. you may be new and not really know what might be expected and maybe you aren't ready to settle down with a Dom/Master/Husband... but still want to explore your submission and start to get a better understanding of yourself and what makes subs more appealing to perspective Master's... Trainer Dom's allow you to explore that submission while learning and expanding your horizon on things you might not have discovered in your online research or from trying to find a local Munch group or what not... They may even have contacts at the local munch and can set you with the number and name.

But always trust your gut.. if it tells you something is wrong.. RUN AWAY... RUN AWAY.. run far away... cause life is a highway and I wanna drive it all night long.

(in reply to EldroRolod)

RE: 2 in 1 question from a newbie - 6/29/2008 1:26:43 PM

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quote:

Look for someone you can trust as a person

this I would so totally agree with. Don't look for a person with a label, Look for someone who you can learn to trust with your very life. Literally.

As for the rest...do what feels right to you, not what others tell you is right.

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to celticlord2112)

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