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Long Distance Challenges - 6/29/2008 2:40:12 PM

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What would you say would be some of the bigger challenges to a D/s or M/s relationship held over long distance?

-Master Damien

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RE: Long Distance Challenges - 6/29/2008 3:54:36 PM

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Keeping perspective and expectations reasonable.

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(in reply to Wolfsrealm)

RE: Long Distance Challenges - 6/29/2008 4:54:25 PM

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It's an excellent question, and one that I am looking at Myself just now.

I am making this transition in My dynamic. Quick recap, since you're new. My collared sub was here for school. Now school is over and he no longer lives here. Rather than give up this relationship, we are now long distance.

I see the challenges as not having all of those things that people can have when they are physically together. The play, the intimacy, the interactions of the two people. My sadism isn't going to be fulfilled by his masochism when I want to scene the way I want to. There's no sub sitting at My feet when I want to reach out to touch him. When I want a diet pepsi, he isn't going to be springing up to get it for Me. Funny side note, I've literally forgotten to close the door behind Me when I've walked in the house because I'm so used to him doing it for Me.

Though you didn't ask for it, I'm going to try to give you the advice that I am taking for Myself in this situation. Take what works for you and leave the rest.

Allow yourself to feel the emotions that you have when you are not together. A non physical relationship can be tough.

Establish those rituals and protocols that will work when two people are in different places. Start slow with the things that aren't difficult to be accomplished and see how they fit you.

Technology is a blessing. Use it.

Plan visits. All people who are separated have a need to look forward to seeing one another again.

Write.

I'd like to wish the two of you the best of luck, and I'll wish Myself luck, too. I hope it turns out well for all of us.

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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RE: Long Distance Challenges - 6/29/2008 5:05:23 PM

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**Fast reply**
Communication as in everything else is the key. While voice and text chat allow for passing along thoughts, opinions, and conscious feelings. Those mediums don't often pass along the little things that are picked up being face to face; the grimmace, the raised eyebrow, the body language that goes so much deeper than the words ever will.

Good luck in your pursuit, I truly hope it works for the both of you.

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When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends." ~ Japanese Proverb

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RE: Long Distance Challenges - 6/29/2008 5:14:19 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
Plan visits. All people who are separated have a need to look forward to seeing one another again.

We've been long distance for two and a half years and this is the key piece of advice I give to anyone who is in a long distance relationship. Having something to look forward to - regardless of how far away it may be - really helps or at least helps me.

We rarely go more than two weeks without seeing each other but we live close enough to do that. I cannot even begin to comprehend going months at a time (or longer) between visits. I would do it with the person I am with now if circumstances dictated it but I would never get into something like that with someone new. I both admire and feel for people who can navigate that kind of a distance and weather those types of waits.

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: Long Distance Challenges - 6/29/2008 5:22:32 PM

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communication. reassurance in lieu of physical contact is good (not perfect, but it helps sometimes). maintaining a realistic attitude if the physical stuff cant be frequent..

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Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

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RE: Long Distance Challenges - 6/29/2008 7:07:48 PM

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I agree with what is said ..communication is a biggie..and it is easy to build up unrealistic expectations especially with the excitement of a visit, if using airlines ..risk of flight cancellations or delays , problems with taking certain toys or having to explain them, crossing international borders can create major headaches ... if plans to become a union when in 2 different countries ..best to talk to an immigration lawyer for advice and to learn the obstacles

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RE: Long Distance Challenges - 6/29/2008 7:34:56 PM

InsaenPleasures

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It can be a difficult thing even when the long distance involved is not that long in the grand scheme of things. As someone mentioned the subtelties of face to face are not present all the time even with a web camera of some sort. Also the trust factor goes way up and little things like phone calls, something often taken for granted in local relationships, can make someone's day.

There is also a tendancy to discount LDR by others and this can have an adverse effect on one or both partners. Nay sayers love to sew the seeds of discontent because the truth is much harder to verify. My advice is to meet as quickly as possible once the initial period of getting to know one another has passed. That initial meeting, if put off too long, can be a misery of miscommunication and misunderstanding where one of the persons involved cried almost the entire time. That happened to me once and it was a big lesson learned. Meeting sooner in my personal situation would have actually made the situation much better.

Also, I think in long distance terms money has to be more flexible of a topic. I know I tend to be a Dom who, whether it is chauvanistic or not, tends to try and pay for things at least at first. In the long distance relationship, this can be abit expensive. Being flexible about who pays for what when you do meet is a good idea. Do not let something as petty as money ruin your time together.

Logan

(in reply to Maya2001)

RE: Long Distance Challenges - 6/30/2008 1:25:10 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolfsrealm

What would you say would be some of the bigger challenges to a D/s or M/s relationship held over long distance?

-Master Damien

This single biggest barrier to real intimacy and an autentic D/s dynamic is the lack of an viable way to observe and reality test your intended. You cannot get to know someone by phone, IM or even through intermittent three day weekends. And without a chance to get to know who they really are, it's like whistling in the dark.

I'm not saying it can never be done; two people really dedicated to making it happen might well be able to pull it off. But you asked what the biggest challenge is, and for me, this is it.

candystripper

(in reply to Wolfsrealm)

RE: Long Distance Challenges - 6/30/2008 2:16:17 AM

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My Pet and I are in a long distance relationship. While communication helps deal with stress, the biggest problem is making it real. Making her feel my presence when I physically cannot be there. It takes creativity.

Other than becoming quite adept at phone sex, we both strive to be more present in the real.

She has baked me cookies and has gotten very good at spanking herself.

I have sent her on local errands. Tonight she's sleeping on the floor for being a bad puppy. It's things that I can control from here.

Soon.

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The Loving Owner of HisHeavan

... You've waited your whole life for this moment...

(in reply to candystripper)

RE: Long Distance Challenges - 6/30/2008 4:46:18 AM

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Missing his touch, his scent. Missing how it feels to fall asleep in his arms.

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~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to Wolfsrealm)

RE: Long Distance Challenges - 6/30/2008 6:31:57 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolfsrealm

What would you say would be some of the bigger challenges to a D/s or M/s relationship held over long distance?

-Master Damien

Building trust!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Wolfsrealm)

RE: Long Distance Challenges - 6/30/2008 7:29:49 PM

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Maintaining and not abandoning the real life at home between visits... you can't live like a hermit in between each visit

making visits more than just vacation... I've found that everyone is on good behavior when you only see one another on visits with long periods apart in between... making it about real life is hard.

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(in reply to Wolfsrealm)

RE: Long Distance Challenges - 6/30/2008 7:55:20 PM

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i feel horrible that he's always the one to do the traveling, which is not only time consuming, but costly, and to top it all off, he has to dish out money for a hotel, which is also costly, even though he and i knew prior to meeting that this would be the way it would have to be for a few years...

in turn, he feels bad because i feel horrible which is the last thing he wants me feel...

sooooooo, to make myself feel better, i try to pick up the tab here and there when we go out, which he tries to graciously accept at times, even though it goes completely against his nature, as he feels that it's his place to pay(somewhat like a traditonal 50's household), and because i have way less luxury money to work with than he does, as well as the fact that he just happens to think i'm worth it!

so it's a challenge for me to stop allowing myself to feel horrible and trying to make myself feel better, as well as a challenge and a compromise on both of our parts; because we each know, it's only because we care so much about each other, that allows us to feel this way at all.

of course, that holds true for any relationship that's long distance, d/s or not.

so i suppose in the d/s context ,my main challenge is as a masochist; trying to hold myself together and not explode on the world, in-between visits and beatings

as for him, he's an easy going guy who i don't think feels any challenge at all ; he knows without a shadow of a doubt that i'm as trustworthy as the days are long, that i will always speak my mind, no bars held, and that i adore him!

< Message edited by daddysliloneds -- 6/30/2008 8:02:12 PM >

(in reply to Wolfsrealm)

RE: Long Distance Challenges - 6/30/2008 8:26:27 PM

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Certainly I prefer to be in direct proximity to my sub, but sometimes that is just not possible.

I have found that I can manage a long distance M/s or D/s relationship as long as I have online access. I use the online virtual community Second Life to give us something that feels like close intimacy. I have found it is an exceptional tool for that purpose and in fact Second Life has a very active BDSM scene for that very reason.

While researching her dissertation, my then-sub (now wife) spent several months out of the country, but through Second Life we could still find spend several hours each week together and while it was most certainly NOT the same, it was better (for us, anyway) than mere telephone or e-mail interaction. Camming is also a good method, but I enjoy that Second Life have provides me with interactive tools (allowing me to actually do things with her, rather than simply telling her what to do) that make the experience more worthwhile for us.

Admittedly there is also a disturbing number of people involved in that scene that are not worth interacting with, but I have been able to find ways to keep them from disturbing myself or anyone I am involved with.

(in reply to daddysliloneds)

RE: Long Distance Challenges - 6/30/2008 9:19:46 PM

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We talked on the phone constantly. Every morning before she went to work, we chatted as well as cammed. Well, she turned on her cam for me and I perved it. lol. We took turns traveling to see each other. After I stayed the weekend at her place, she always slept with the pillow that I used because it smelled like me. That and she would wear the unwashed shirts that I left at her home because she said the scent of it helped her keep "Me" closer. Little rituals and constant communication helped out the LD relationship immensely until she was able to move in with me full time. That lasted almost 2 years before she moved here to live in my home.
CD

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RE: Long Distance Challenges - 6/30/2008 9:28:14 PM

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Dominus and I talk on the phone every day, most days more than once. (Thank goodness for good cell plans). He frequently suprises me with tangible things in the mail to remind me that He thinks of me even when we arent together (books, flowers, cards). And I'm lucky in that he has learned me well enough to catch unspoken cues. He HEARS the laughter I dont let out, or the sadness I try to hide. We make the most of our time together and try not to let too much time pass in between visits. As far as a physical relationship goes, He and I are both poly-minded, and have outlets for those needs should they become overwhelming. But the biggest factor in making it work for us is communication... talk, talk, TALK. About everything. The important and the mundane.

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When I have a little money, I buy books. If I have any left, I buy food and clothes. Erasmus

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RE: Long Distance Challenges - 6/30/2008 10:10:27 PM

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that rocks, Bookworm :) (hope you're feeling some better :) *hug*)

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Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

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RE: Long Distance Challenges - 6/30/2008 10:47:59 PM

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FR

<sigh>

Don't get involved with one. Run. Run away.
Then you won't have to worry about the challenges.

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RE: Long Distance Challenges - 7/1/2008 7:05:14 AM

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Keeping the relationship strong.
Staying involved in the minor details of each other's life. It's easy not to talk about the worry if the car needs repairing and just cyber, but it won't be satisfying if you're only going through the motions to please the other party while you're really worrying about $400 for a bearing.

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