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Put on Probation by my Dom.... - 2/28/2004 6:22:42 AM

Posts: 168
Joined: 1/21/2004
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Greetings Masters/Mistresses, Doms/Dommes,

i got into big trouble with my Dom recently; and he was very close to releasing me.

After further discussion, He decided to put me on probation; and if i don't follow his instructions precisely, then i will be released from His service.

my questions are: Have Others put their subs/slaves on probation? If so, what was the reason (s)? Was it an effective way to modify the sub/slaves behavior? What were the terms of the probationary period? Also, in Your experience (s), has it been the "newbies" that were the most problematic, as opposed to sub/slaves who are more experienced?

i am familiar with the term/concept SAM/ Smart ass masochist; and was wondering if we/SAM's are the ones who get into trouble the most?

(btw, while i am a smart ass, that is not the particular reason why i was put on probation)

Looking forward to hearing Your replies.

~rain~

RE: Put on Probation by my Dom.... - 2/28/2004 6:30:07 AM

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Probation is a disciplinary tool with very clear boundaries and consequences.

I applaud a dominant who is willing to police this sort of thing in the name of making a relationship work. Being the dominant in a situation like this puts extra work on the dominant (not just the submissive). It's a mark of commitment to the relationship.

I'm afraid I'm running late so I can't go into detail about my past experiences with it. I've used it, yes. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. Either way, it gave both of us time to really assess if the relationship was going where we wanted it to go and if it was something we both wanted enough to do the work required to make it 'work.'

It's a good opportunity for you. I wish you well with it, however it goes.

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to belongtoyou)

RE: Put on Probation by my Dom.... - 2/28/2004 9:49:13 AM

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: belongtoyou

my questions are: Have Others put their subs/slaves on probation? If so, what was the reason (s)? Was it an effective way to modify the sub/slaves behavior? What were the terms of the probationary period? Also, in Your experience (s), has it been the "newbies" that were the most problematic, as opposed to sub/slaves who are more experienced?

Lets see. With my first Dom I was'nt allowed to sleep in the same bed with him one time for 3 months. He and a friend got drunk. Anyway both were so hairy. Myself and my friend decided to shave their chests. Anyway. I got put on restriction. Thats what he called it. It was hard for the both of us. Having to move out of my room. We were cuddlers. Anyway to go cold turkey. I'm just happy in our ten years it only happened once. At least only once to be thrown out of my own bed.

My new Dom. I was restricted from playing with my cupping set for a year.

So, yes it happens. I am not a sam. But people are only human we make mistakes. We will always make mistakes. We just have to hope we learn from them and move on.

i am familiar with the term/concept SAM/ Smart ass masochist; and was wondering if we/SAM's are the ones who get into trouble the most?

Don't know as a whole. I'm only speaking from my own experience.

Gloria

(in reply to belongtoyou)

I have used restriction once, on an experienced sub. - 2/28/2004 11:38:17 AM

Posts: 24
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: US
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I warned the sub not to do one thing again....hacking into My email, reading letters from others, contacting senders.

she did it again and I released her.

I would not say it 'worked' because the relationship failed...and my goal is to work out situation. But I told her I could not tolerate her violating another's privacy, and I could not tolerate it, so the action was, IMO, appropriate.

_____________________________

[email protected]

(in reply to sub4hire)

RE: Put on Probation by my Dom.... - 2/28/2004 1:09:14 PM

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Gloria, I'm not sure I would call shaving your Master's chest in his sleep a mistake. A mistake is dropping a glass as you are serving. You certainly deserved the punishment you recieved.

(in reply to sub4hire)

RE: Put on Probation by my Dom.... - 2/28/2004 3:00:09 PM

Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline

Offered strictly as conversation, I don't do probation. I prefer to have relationships with women. I don't let slaves behave in a fashion that I wouldn't permit a vanilla woman to behave.

A few months ago, I met a girl from another site. The relationship started off pretty well, though there were a few quirks about her I didn't care for. She wanted to be a slave, was very familiar with Gorean lifestyle, and seemed very eager. After a month, much of her eagerness had been replaced with complaints about money and material aspects. While not a wealthy man, I do work hard, and provide a decent living for myself. She consistantly spoke of how her father was a doctor, how she didn't know if she could live a lifestyle for a person as modest as I was, and one night walked into the bathroom and screamed there was a bug in there. I went in, killed the bug, and she started spewing how much she hated being in such a cheap apartment with me, how much she couldnt' bear the thought of living this way in the future. I made it clear if that's how she felt, she could find her way out the door.

I don't expect every woman to love the way I live - but just because she's a slave, doesn't mean she has the 'right' to expect greater latitude then a vanilla person. Constraints within the lifestyle are meant to make life more pleasent - not more headaches. I don't believe in the "one more time, and you're done" ultimatum - if I feel the need to start issuing them, I feel the need to start breaking the relationship off.

Stephan

_____________________________

http://www.vv3b.com/

"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

(in reply to belongtoyou)

RE: Put on Probation by my Dom.... - 2/28/2004 7:27:28 PM

Posts: 168
Joined: 1/21/2004
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Voltare,

After reading Your reply, i feel i should clarify my situation. i did not do anything as severe as shaving His body hair, nor did i invade his privacy. i did, however, emailed Him a response to something He told me, and i was very emotional. my frustration was valid, but the anger was not warranted- i should have waited until i calmed down before responding to His email.

In addition to that, when we chatted later on, i started the conversation by saying how annoyed i was...and i did it in a bratty and childish manner. That is why i'm currently on probation.

i am glad however, that He is patient enough to try and work through this with me.
i messed up, owned up to, and apologized...then was put on probation for the next two weeks.

i do hope this is the first and last time i get put on probation...it's difficult to go without speaking with Him for 2 whole weeks!

Thanks for the feedback....

~rain~

(in reply to Voltare)

RE: Put on Probation by my Dom.... - 2/28/2004 7:32:53 PM

Posts: 19
Joined: 2/19/2004
Status: offline

There are certain subjects that I have been told by my Master are off limits. Recently, I asked some questions that I shouldn't have to try and steer a conversation toward a forbidden subject.

Since ours is a long distance relationship (we may go months in between visits) I was put on a probation of sorts by having to endure much more limited contact with him. A probation is the most painful thing for me to endure because it means he is limiting his time with me, which is something that I enjoy more than anything else.

But, he is right to do so. The time away from him made me realize how manipulative and disrespectful I was being. It brings me closer to an understanding of what I desire most -- pleasing him. Ending a probationary period also blesses me with his sweetest gift, forgiveness.

Sometimes this type of punishment is a better way to remind me not to take my Master for granted.

blueiii

(in reply to Voltare)

RE: Put on Probation by my Dom.... - 2/28/2004 7:43:54 PM

Posts: 15
Joined: 1/12/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: blueiii

There are certain subjects that I have been told by my Master are off limits. Recently, I asked some questions that I shouldn't have to try and steer a conversation toward a forbidden subject.

Hello, blueiii,

I am fairly new to this lifestyle and still learning the protocols, however, it seems odd to me that certain subjects would be deemed off limits by your Master. In my opinion, honest and open communication is necessary to build a relationship - any type of relationship, but even more important in one where trust and safety are important concerns right off the bat.

Please understand that I am not trying to criticize anyone else's relationship. I am curious, though, if this "topic restriction" is a pervasive part of common D/s relationships (if there are any common threads in D/s.)

Holly

(in reply to blueiii)

RE: Put on Probation by my Dom.... - 2/28/2004 11:05:40 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Estring

Gloria, I'm not sure I would call shaving your Master's chest in his sleep a mistake. A mistake is dropping a glass as you are serving. You certainly deserved the punishment you recieved.

Hmm, how come shaving his hair is so frowned upon by everyone? I mean...at the time I was 23 years old and it was a mistake. I hated that hair from the day we met. I hated him drinking. He was'nt anywhere near an alcoholic...but since I don't drink anything at all. Well..

I did learn my lesson. The suction cup incident was a MISTAKE too. I love playing with the cups. Anyway I put them on me....my Dom has allowed me to put them on him.
One evening...he said..you can put them on my back. He then turned off the light. I could'nt see that they were leaving perfect round bruises all over his back. I'm much more careful when I can actually see what they are doing.
Anyway...when you have 15 bruises on your back you get bitchy too.
I do feel a year without playing with them was a bit severe. But I also obeyed...I know better than to not obey.

Just happy I can play with them again.

I still don't think shaving off all his chest hair was that bad. Although the punishment almost killed me.

Gloria

(in reply to Estring)

RE: Put on Probation by my Dom.... - 2/29/2004 3:38:55 PM

Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline

From what I can tell, this is actually an email/chat relationship. No offense - but this sort of relationship has never been worth 'fighting' for.

Find a man who's real time near you, where you can speak to him on a regular basis, face to face, and you'll find the interaction to be significantly different.

Stephan

_____________________________

http://www.vv3b.com/

"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

(in reply to belongtoyou)

RE: Put on Probation by my Dom.... - 2/29/2004 6:50:26 PM

Posts: 19
Joined: 2/19/2004
Status: offline

To NewSubGirl,

I was not offended in anyway by your comments. In fact, I admire your honesty, especially if you are new to this "life style."

I want to explain in more detail so that there is no misunderstanding, and because I don't want this in anyway to reflect poorly on my Master.

I have a habit of constantly focusing on physical attractiveness. My Master has told me repeatedly that there are many reasons he is drawn to me, some physical, some not. He is generous with compliments when they are warranted, but he gets impatient with me when I try to quantify my appearance (i.e. "Am I prettier than that woman?" or "What would you say I am on a scale of 1 to 10?") A probation of noncommunication is his way of reminding me that my looks are not ALL that matter to him. He has made his view on this point very clear and I pushed him. The punishment was necessary and the time to reflect was important.

As a side note, someone asked why I do not capitalize "he" or "his" when referring to my Master. Simply because he does not require it of me.

And to Voltare, respectfully I must tell you that not everyone is in the position to have a 24/7 relationship. I would always prefer more face-to-face interaction, but even the small amount of time I have with this particular Master is better than a lifetime with someone who would be less compatible.

blueiii

(in reply to NewSubGirl)

RE: Put on Probation by my Dom.... - 3/1/2004 6:19:49 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: belongtoyou

i did, however, emailed Him a response to something He told me, and i was very emotional. my frustration was valid, but the anger was not warranted- i should have waited until i calmed down before responding to His email.

In addition to that, when we chatted later on, i started the conversation by saying how annoyed i was...and i did it in a bratty and childish manner. That is why i'm currently on probation.

I have a standing policy:

Anyone who thinks that their emotion of the moment is a good enough reason to abandon their commitments, their submission and common courtesy needs a therapist more than they need a Master or Mistress. They most assuredly will be a toxic relationship.

It happens to all of us occasionally, but if this is a scenario you find yourself in often then I would suggest talking to a therapist, rather than a Master, about it.

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to belongtoyou)

RE: Put on Probation by my Dom.... - 3/1/2004 7:20:36 AM

Posts: 168
Joined: 1/21/2004
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Miz Suz: "It happens to all of us occasionally, but if this is a scenario you find yourself in often then I would suggest talking to a therapist, rather than a Master, about it. "

i do agree with You on this matter; and would like to provide You with a bit more info.

i have discovered that the reason for my emotional outburst recently was due to 2 things: while i've had the desire to serve someone for many years now, BDSM is a brand new edition to my life; and it is taking me time to get adjusted.

The second part of this is that within the past month i've dealt with a great deal of trauma and loss, in all aspects of my life: personal, family, and work. And, believe You me, i do have a therapist!

So, while i don't intend to have emotional outbursts, they may happen on occasion, and as You pointed out, we are all human. What i need to remember, however, is not to take out my feelings of frustration on others.

i have learned a great deal about myself in the past few weeks, and i imagine i have a great deal more to learn about my role as a sub.

i've said this before, but it's worth repeating; i'm thankful to have found a Dom who is so incredibly patient, and willing to work through these things with me.

Thanks Miz Suz...

~rain~

(in reply to MizSuz)

RE: Put on Probation by my Dom.... - 3/1/2004 7:46:55 AM

Posts: 1881
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quote:

ORIGINAL: belongtoyou

So, while i don't intend to have emotional outbursts, they may happen on occasion, and as You pointed out, we are all human. What i need to remember, however, is not to take out my feelings of frustration on others.

That's a very enlightened and personally responsible statement. Thank you for sharing it with me. To communicate the empathy that I feel with you I'd like to share with you that I am bi-polar type 2. Extensive therapy and the proper application of the right combinations of medication literally changed my life. Before the meds I could not seem to implement the tools I learned in therapy. With the medication I have found that my outbursts are incredibly less frequent. I've found that, while I still often have extreme emotions, I now have the ability to CHOOSE my actions rather than allowing my emotions to dictate my actions. I empathize with your plight and wish you continued success with it.

quote:

The second part of this is that within the past month i've dealt with a great deal of trauma and loss, in all aspects of my life: personal, family, and work. And, believe You me, i do have a therapist!

I am very sorry to hear of your losses. I too have recently suffered a profound loss and have found that the only thing I can do is feel what I feel and give myself the space I need. I am currently avoiding conflict (except at my job) and in so doing greatly minimize the amount of stress that I have to manage. I also understand that someone who has chosen to submit may not always have the luxury of those choices if they wish to honor their commitments. My hat's off to you.

You have communicated quite well here, in spite of the potential to take what I had to say personally. Rather than doing that, you considered it and responded (as opposed to reacting) and you have done so at a difficult time in your life. To me that seems to say that you're on the right track and your work is paying off! This leaves me feeling very positive and thankful for your willingness to do so with me, someone you don't even know.

Again, good luck to you with your endeavors.

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to belongtoyou)

RE: Put on Probation by my Dom.... - 3/1/2004 6:39:17 PM

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I commend rain for her maturity in her response.
proudsub

(in reply to MizSuz)

RE: Put on Probation by my Dom.... - 3/6/2004 11:07:13 PM

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Joined: 1/21/2004
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Thanks, proudsub!

It may take me awhile, but i do learn!

cheers,

~rain~

(in reply to proudsub)

RE: Put on Probation by my Dom.... - 3/22/2004 10:44:34 PM

Posts: 168
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline

Greetings again;

Well, i've been released from His service, and probably for the best. i was on probation longer than NOT, and what fun is that?

Had i known it would turn out this way, i would've happily shaved all of his chest hair!

::poof:: she disappears into a cloud of dust

(in reply to belongtoyou)

RE: Put on Probation by my Dom.... - 3/23/2004 5:08:11 AM

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: belongtoyou

Greetings again;

Well, i've been released from His service, and probably for the best. i was on probation longer than NOT, and what fun is that?

Had i known it would turn out this way, i would've happily shaved all of his chest hair!

::poof:: she disappears into a cloud of dust

rain,

Welcome to single life. I can't speak for anyone else, but it's one of my favorite spots!

Take good care.

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to belongtoyou)

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