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Is Anyone Tired Besides Me????? - 7/5/2008 12:27:21 AM

HizBabyGirl

Posts: 97
Joined: 8/28/2007
Status: offline

I think I must be suffering burnout/burnup. I feel as though I have talked to all sorts of doms but have never met my match.

I have tried the noncommitted thing and find it lacking. I want it all, love and the special sexual connection that d/s offers.

I have to say I am about ready to throw in the towel.

The reason? I finally got together with someone with whom I became friends first instead of sex first and, its a long story, but it appears to be turning out no different than any other thing I have tried.

All I do is end up feeling used and empty.

Anybody that can identify?

Down and just about out.

Post #: 1

RE: Is Anyone Tired Besides Me????? - 7/5/2008 12:31:21 AM

HizBabyGirl

Posts: 97
Joined: 8/28/2007
Status: offline

I ask myself is it better to stay "safe"? To stop looking but also to stop risking the hurt and the pain. I'm talking about mental and emotional pain, not physical.

I should say I had a disastrous relationship about two years ago with someone I foolishly had agreed to marry.

Is the world full of nuts or do I just attract them?

Very tired and VERY DEPRESSED.

(in reply to HizBabyGirl)

Post #: 2

RE: Is Anyone Tired Besides Me????? - 7/5/2008 12:38:54 AM

babygirlangel

Posts: 110
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

i understand completely where you're coming from and i sympathize. i have been down the same road many times, but i do know that if one doesnt open themselves to the bad parts, then they are not open to the good parts, either. i know it hurts a lot to have seeming failure after failure, but it isnt the end, just keep looking and sooner or later.. it'll happen.

_____________________________

Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me, Because of you I am afraid...

(in reply to HizBabyGirl)

Post #: 3

RE: Is Anyone Tired Besides Me????? - 7/5/2008 12:58:08 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

Burn out is pretty common in so many areas of life where you hagve greater emotional energy being used and not just here. Doissapointments tend to highten the effects of buirnout and hasten it along as there are few if any high pionts to balance the books. I find it is good to take a break and rest..

IB
(The incorrigible, irrepressible and irreverent Bear)

(in reply to babygirlangel)

Post #: 4

RE: Is Anyone Tired Besides Me????? - 7/5/2008 2:42:49 AM

mettadas

Posts: 30
Joined: 7/2/2008
From: Ottawa, ON
Status: offline

quote:

Is the world full of nuts or do I just attract them?

Very tired and VERY DEPRESSED.

It is very common to feel this way at some point in one's search. Hopefully you can take some small comfort from that ... it isn't a sign that you won't succeed, it's just a part of the process. It's a good time to take a break and think about other things for a while. Start again when you can do it more comfortably.

_____________________________

If Krishna likes you, he will give you everything;
If he loves you, he'll take everything away.

- Swami Prabhupada

(in reply to HizBabyGirl)

Post #: 5

RE: Is Anyone Tired Besides Me????? - 7/5/2008 2:52:37 AM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

Spot on IronBear.

Feeling the way you do OP, happens in every part of life. Vanilla (for want of a better word) relationships, family relationships, work, friends, um's, illnesses, we ALL get weary of the fight sometimes.

If you are basing your entire life and wellbeing on finding a D/s partner, you really need to forget it for a while. Try doing some volunteer work, then you'll see there is a whole big world out there with others who need help. Often helping another is a guarantee to making you see that your life aint that bad.

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

(in reply to mettadas)

Post #: 6

RE: Is Anyone Tired Besides Me????? - 7/5/2008 3:09:41 AM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

I found myself making a list and trying to match someone to that list. It was an impossibility, really. I got tired very quickly. I was just pushing at it too much. When I relaxed and stopped to enjoy the people that didn't meet my requirements, I found that they had insight and wisdom...and above all, energy. Suddenly, I was no longer disappointed if people didn't meet my relationship standards.

I guess, the short version of that is don't settle, but don't just write people off either. I've met plenty of great people who support me in my journey just being part of the "peanut gallery".

If you're tired, take a break.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to HizBabyGirl)

Post #: 7

RE: Is Anyone Tired Besides Me????? - 7/5/2008 5:12:14 AM

Owner4SexSlave

Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

You are not alone. Actually, I've been feeling a little burned out lately myself.

(in reply to HizBabyGirl)

Post #: 8

RE: Is Anyone Tired Besides Me????? - 7/5/2008 5:25:08 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

If you're doing the same thing over and over and getting the same result.. perhaps you should change what you're doing.

oh yes, and stop looking... just enjoy... make and meet friends... the quickest way not to find is to look. I'm not sure what/how you're doing this, but if you don't have an offline outlet (local community) I would add that. If you're serious, this should not be the only place you look.

< Message edited by Madame4a -- 7/5/2008 5:27:15 AM >

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to HizBabyGirl)

Post #: 9

RE: Is Anyone Tired Besides Me????? - 7/5/2008 6:19:21 AM

brat4fun

Posts: 47
Joined: 4/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HizBabyGirl
Is the world full of nuts or do I just attract them?

I spent quite a bit of time firmly convinced that if someone was attracted to me then there must be something wrong with them. All that got me was the heartache and frustration associated with self-destructing my relationships... over-analyzing, reading too much into what was nothing, putting words in other's mouths... not good.

I've taken some time away from dating of any sort. I went back to school, got a better job, made a plan for my life that doesn't depend on a partner. I did a lot of soul-searching and tried to figure out just what it is that I want, and what I can offer to my next partner.

Now I'm back. I'm still figuring out what I like and what I don't like, kink-wise, but I know what I'm looking for. I'm a greedy little girl and I want it all.

I want a man whose innate Dominant nature stirs up my need to submit.
I want a man who will be a good role model for my son, and who wants to be one.
I want a man who will be my Master... and my husband... and my friend... and my lover... and my beloved.

I understand that this is not going to be a quick and easy search. That's the pissy part. I'm fairly confident that I could walk into the next play party and shout "Who wants to take me home and use me?" and get several responses. That's not what I want... I know that's going to leave me feeling empty and more alone. Yeah, I know... that night could be a hell of a lot of fun, but the morning after is still going to feel like crap for me.

So... what's a girl to do? Hang in there. Use this time to make the most of yourself so that when you are ready to meet someone you will be so awesome that only the very best caliber of gentleman will be worthy of you. In the meantime... I'd suggest spending more time with friends. Kick back, relax, and have some fun and just let it all go for a while.

Good luck!
Anne

(in reply to HizBabyGirl)

Post #: 10

RE: Is Anyone Tired Besides Me????? - 7/5/2008 6:21:32 AM

krikket

Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline

Oh yeah, i feel that way a lot, especially lately. i've taken some breaks over the years, for my own mental health if nothing else. i've learned to enjoy my own company more, make decisions based on the idea that i might well live the rest of my life without a partner, going out to the many things my area offers that i might not have done by myself and learned to strike up conversations with perfect strangers..lol.

Cheers
krikket

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin

When your heart speaks take good notes.

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 11

RE: Is Anyone Tired Besides Me????? - 7/5/2008 6:42:41 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

Yup, count me in! I'm looking too, and I'm finding it really hard to find the right one. I'm pretty flexible on what I "want" but I can't compromise on what I "need".
I had a dom who was great kink-wise, but utterly lacking on the relationship front. Another is great on the relationship, but I'm not yet convinced on the kink front.
I need to be controlled, I need pain. I need a sadist who gets off on my pain. Believe it or not they are hard to find, but I believe that he's out there somewhere - we just haven't found each other yet.

Keep smilin', and remember....nil bastardi carborundum...(don't let the bastards grind you down)

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to HizBabyGirl)

Post #: 12

RE: Is Anyone Tired Besides Me????? - 7/5/2008 6:47:01 AM

corsetgirl

Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline

Oh, I can definitely relate to you about trying to find the right dom! I have taken a break from this to pursue education goals. Most of the doms that I talk to on this website don't even get past meeting me. Why? Because I have learned to weed out those who just want the fast sex and then move on, also known as the "Hit and Run Doms". Taking a little break might help you in knowing yourself, what you want out of a D's relationship, and gaining strength and confidence.

It is a very long process and I have known some subs who stated this has taken them a long time to find the right dom. I knew one sub who told me it took her 8 years to find her dom, lover, and husband. I would rather be alone than to settle for a relationship that makes me miserable.

I wish you well.

(in reply to krikket)

Post #: 13

RE: Is Anyone Tired Besides Me????? - 7/5/2008 7:11:48 AM

LadyRainfire

Posts: 6040
Joined: 2/20/2008
Status: offline

I've taken breaks when necessary and focused on myself, learning about myself in all aspects and not focusing on one area. My personal experience has been that I was happy where I was, happy with myself and knew that I didn't need a partner in my life. When I came to CM, I wasn't looking for anyone but signed on for the forums at the strong insistence of a dear friend. Met some wonderful people, still wasn't looking, was having a blast just chatting with people on the boards when I discovered this fascinating man. We became friends, talked a lot, kept talking and now here I am, collared and engaged to him after moving to be with him.

Everyone gets tired at times, it's what we do at that point that can tell us so much about ourselves. Do you give up and just do whatever or do you realize that you're tired, take a break, refresh yourself and then decide what you want to do with yourself? Burnout happens in many things. The question is - do you let it run, and maybe ruin, your life or do you take care of yourself and emerge like the phoenix, a new creature of hope and beauty?

_____________________________

"Desire is an insatiable beast. Sample your strongest dreams, and you will only crave more." ~ Master

~ one half of "L&L"~

My current state of mind

(in reply to corsetgirl)

Post #: 14

RE: Is Anyone Tired Besides Me????? - 7/5/2008 7:30:23 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HizBabyGirl
I finally got together with someone with whom I became friends first instead of sex first

WTF??????????????

You "finally" do the smart thing instead of the dumb thing ONE TIME, it doesn't work, so the hell with everything?

I went to my former sub's wedding on July first. When her now-husband saw me he literally ran up to me and gave me a big hug. She broke it off with me to start a relationship with this guy. The three of us will be friends for a long, long time. I fail to see how this is anything other than a happy ending, even though he's boning her and I'm not.

Good friends are worth more than money in the bank -- and they last longer, too. Focus on making friends.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to HizBabyGirl)

Post #: 15

RE: Is Anyone Tired Besides Me????? - 7/5/2008 7:50:10 AM

faerytattoodgirl

Posts: 5824
Status: offline

quote:

All I do is end up feeling used and empty.

this has been exactly my experiences in both the bdsm world and vanilla. although i had abandoned vanilla many many years ago.

_____________________________

I did not reply to your cmail.

I am flawed.

Imperfect.

MUST SPANK!!!

SPAAAAAAAANK!!!

(in reply to HizBabyGirl)

Post #: 16

RE: Is Anyone Tired Besides Me????? - 7/5/2008 8:24:25 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

~ Fast Reply ~

Most likely this will not be taken in the way intended, but I'll give it a try anyway.

Does anyone ever get tired of having fun?

Vacations and time outs are required from doing things that are physically and/or mentally exhausting. Sometimes boredom is also involved. If the effort to find a partner, vanilla or any flavor, is considered 'work' maybe instead of a vacation you should consider quitting all together.

I've never understood how many represent that they "work" at finding a compatibly partner and then once they do, "work" at their relationship. Sometimes it is a manner of semantics or the use of the term as a colloquialism; but sometimes it is a honest representation. Then again, sometimes the 'work' aspect stems from peer/family pressure. "Everyone else has a partner and is happy why not you?" Hearing that once too often and pressure builds. Go out with that in mind and it takes on the same pressure as a work deadline. Any result other than meeting the expectations of those friends/family can potentially create 'burn out'.

As much as it should be fun to be with your partner, it should be just as much fun finding them. Does that exclude frustration? No, not at all; but I'd compare it to the frustration of playing golf. You may never hit a hole-in-one, but it is still fun trying; while at the same time, it is constantly frustrating. But it is never 'work', and I never got tired of it.

Try and put yourself in that 'golf' mentality from the get go - have FUN! Meeting someone should be like going to a new course you've never played. Sometimes its better than you thought, sometimes worse. Sometimes it isn't what you thought it was at all, and sometimes it rains or you get lost and you never get to play. Oh well, the ride was nice and maybe you picked up something new at the 'pro-shop'.

Think about it. Even with the proverbial 'vacation from hell' in mind; would you rather be working?

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 7/5/2008 8:28:15 AM >

(in reply to faerytattoodgirl)

Post #: 17

RE: Is Anyone Tired Besides Me????? - 7/5/2008 8:28:39 AM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

Sure. I finally just quit saying "I want."

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 18

RE: Is Anyone Tired Besides Me????? - 7/5/2008 8:41:49 AM

lronitulstahp

Posts: 5392
Joined: 10/17/2007
Status: offline

Kudos to you OP...for not once blaming your apparent situation on "The BDSM" as so many do on these forums. i think we ALL have been there...frustrated, wondering if we should give up...etc. It is a hump...take your time getting over it...but eventually please try to get over it.
Best wishes....

_____________________________

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

(in reply to HizBabyGirl)

Post #: 19

RE: Is Anyone Tired Besides Me????? - 7/5/2008 8:51:41 AM

winterlight

Posts: 1319
Joined: 2/18/2006
Status: offline

When i first started i was chomping at the bit. I wanted a Dom now. People told me to go slow so i stepped back and went slow. After 2 1/2 to 3years on here, going to local munches i have given up.

Men have their pick of women and frankly we make it easy for them. Men today take their time now and are in no hurry to commit. With divorce and dating mentality of drop em and move on I see longer times in finding somebody. If at all. I don't mean to sound negative. I have decided to live my life and have fun because WE REALLY DO only come this way ONCE.

My life isn't defined by whether i have a man in my life. I am defining my life by what i do and how i make life better...My female 20 year old relative has figured it out.
She doesn't need a man in her life. More power to her!

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 20

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