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"mixed" marriages - 7/7/2008 3:00:02 PM

nhite

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i dont mean racially mixed - i mean one vanilla, one not

it seems to be more common than i expected yet i never read anythign written on it or hear of discussion groups etc. yet you can find a discussion group for every other variation!

to some extent the issues would be those of being poly, but yet i feel its more. i find with poly, a spouse can understand the feelign of wanting to be with someone else physically; but they cant necessarily understand or relate to the feeling of wanting to be (_______) whatever that is for you -- be whipped, spanked, etc.

i find that alone to be a roadblock to understanding and acceptance with a spouse

RE: "mixed" marriages - 7/7/2008 3:07:53 PM

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Generally, you either find a way of living with the difference, or else you just break up.

In my case, we were able to re-negotiate our relationship, and things started working much better for us, once we ditched the "Ozzie and Harriet" paradigm. But then, my spouse understands that I just need to get certain needs fulfilled... and that I'm not really looking around for someone to run off with.

(in reply to nhite)

RE: "mixed" marriages - 7/7/2008 3:55:21 PM

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Well it depends on if you're talking about someone using kink as a justification for cheating, or in an open relationship where everyone knows and agrees to the situation.

My partner is monogamous, I am polyamorous. My partner and I have a lot of similar kinks and a lot of dissimilar kinks.

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RE: "mixed" marriages - 7/7/2008 5:59:31 PM

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I find a spouse, once they get over your needs being so outre, is more likely to accept play only than having other sex partners. Perhaps it's a function of my age.

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RE: "mixed" marriages - 7/7/2008 7:39:55 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: nhite
it seems to be more common than i expected

First reaction: "You didn't expect it to be common?" Second reaction: "Let's see... yup, female submissive"

quote:

yet i never read anythign written on it or hear of discussion groups etc. yet you can find a discussion group for every other variation!

Need to look harder... they're out there. As a bonus (for you), they're usually full of kinky men

(in reply to nhite)

RE: "mixed" marriages - 7/7/2008 7:44:13 PM

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Big mistake. I will never be in a relationship with a "vanilla" woman. Why be with somebody incompatible?

(in reply to nhite)

RE: "mixed" marriages - 7/7/2008 8:05:40 PM

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kal, many people work on a more emotional basis. "Why be with somebody incompatible?" Because they excite, comfort, intrigue and fulfill you in other ways. You realize all relationships require compromise in some way and decide to see if there can be compromise and find fullfillment in all ways.

(in reply to slavekal)

RE: "mixed" marriages - 7/7/2008 8:20:33 PM

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More common that you think ... otherwise pro Dommes & subs would lose a hell of a lot of business! Without the pros out there, a LOT of marriages would not be in existence today!

(in reply to AmbrosialWench)

RE: "mixed" marriages - 7/8/2008 12:10:57 AM

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From my observations of a number of people I know, a BDSM/Vanilla mixed marriage had 90% better chance of surviving and even flourishing than a marriage between a Pagan and Christian.. (That usually means heart break and probably war being declared by the Christians on thre Pagan and his or her faith....)

IB
(The incorrigible, irrepressible and irreverent Bear)

(in reply to pompeii)

RE: "mixed" marriages - 7/8/2008 7:29:34 AM

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There are plenty of discussion groups out there. While I never had a vanilla spouse I was part of one. A support group is a support group.
The people I know who have effectively communicated their desires to their spouses don't see it as being poly at all.

Its a play partner, simple as that. Something the spouse isn't interested in. Something the spouse has given them the choice to pursue.

Acceptance only comes with communication.

(in reply to nhite)

RE: "mixed" marriages - 7/8/2008 10:20:30 AM

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"Will it work?" questions always have a similar answer: "If the people involved want them to, and can find contentment with it."

An interest in BDSM can be like an interest in skiing. Some people enjoy it once or twice a year, others spend six days a week on the slopes teaching and doing it, and practically go into convulsions when there's no snow. Someone who loves to ski twice a year could probably be very content with a person who hates the snow; a person who lives on the slopes would probably chafe with a guy like me who prefers to see snow on television.

Stephan

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RE: "mixed" marriages - 7/8/2008 11:28:13 AM

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My husband was 'nilla when I met him. I wasn't, but I told him very early in the relationship where my interests lie. He played it along that he was interested and would get involved, and he did, until we got married. I found out after we were married that he simply didn't care, wasn't dominant or submissive, just wasn't interested, but wouldn't say any of those things up front. Things got strung along into a "maybe next week", "maybe next week" thing indefinitely. We didn't play together for nearly two years. (We've been married a little over three.) He, however, is the jealous type and couldn't understand, let alone be okay with, me playing with anyone else, despite the fact he wasn't fulfilling something he had led me to believe was genuine.

I finally got fed up and told him how I felt about things and how things were going to be. Not such a good move if he's supposed to be the dominant one (most of this happened before I began switching), but I damn good move if I wanted to save my marriage. Keeping it in was leading to nothing but me resenting him very, very strongly. Fortunately, we pulled ourselves together.

Now we play, not particularly frequently, but play all the same, and he does seem to enjoy it. He's not particularly vanilla now, perhaps french vanilla, or maybe butter pecan. I'm still good old dark chocolate rocky-road. He still has issues with me playing with others. But since he's not willing to play much or go to social functions and I'm making an effort to get involved in the local scene, he understands that it's going to happen and has given me permission. (In case you were wondering, my profile says what it says about not playing with others to keep the trolls away). He's talked about going to munches and parties, and hey, who knows? It might happen.

I'd like to tell you things are just hunky-dory now. They're not, but are things ever? They're improving, and the important thing is that he and I care enough about each other to work them out. Every relationship will have some really unpleasant parts. It's what you do when confronted with them, for love of yourself and for love of the other person, that really makes the difference. It's hard, really, really freakin' hard sometimes to make a marriage with a vanilla spouse work out. If the relationship is important enough to you and important enough to the other person, you make some sacrifices and work it out, but the respect has to go both ways.

< Message edited by NakedOnMyChain -- 7/8/2008 11:34:33 AM >

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(in reply to nhite)

RE: "mixed" marriages - 7/8/2008 11:43:22 AM

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My wife is vanilla, she is aware of everything I do and knows everyone I serve. For her the BDSM thing is great for the bedroom once in awhile but understands my desires for a more active part in the lifestyle.

The woman I have served aremarried and their spouses had the same type of interest in the lifestyle as mine.

It takes work to make any relationship work, I'm an open book to my wife, she knows she is always welcome anytime I serve and has the phone numbers of the woman I serve.

(in reply to NakedOnMyChain)

RE: "mixed" marriages - 7/8/2008 11:54:42 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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I've only married once, and been in one long-term poly-based relationship that has gone through some restructuring but with always at least 2 of the original members present.

Here's my experience... "mixed" relationships work if the 'vanilla' party is really more "mocha" or "almond crunch"... basically, the most 'vanilla' member of the relationship has had some experience with alternative lifestyles of -some- variation. We had one member in our poly family who wasn't into BDSM, but he'd been active for almost his entire adult life in the GLBT and poly communities. He really -didn't- judge us for our love of scene activities and our kinky preferences. He just considered them a "neighboring" fringe.

I contrast this with my ex-husband. I told him from the time we first got together that I was unusual, and explained exactly HOW I was not "Harriet" from "Ozzy and Harriet". I told him I was bi, poly, and kinky. He thought it was great -- until I actually wanted to -continue- any of that stuff while we were married. He didn't have a problem with it per se, but he did have an issue with it happening with -his- wife. We toughed it out for 13 years, with him unhappy with me, and me unhappy with him. It wasn't a matter of not trying -- we did try. I can honestly say that he genuinely tried to understand my chaotic nature and freaky interests, and I tried like -heck- to be the structured, calm, nice vanilla housewife he really wanted... but in the end, it wore both of us down. What's even worse is that we had children in this relationship before we realized that there was no way that we could change enough to make our companion happy-- so we felt compelled to try to work things out that were never meant to be worked out for -years-, when we both would have been healthier if we'd let go. Neither of us could change our inherent natures, and there was only the thinnest line of companionship left between us. Before it could rip both of us apart, I told him that we needed to end things. He agreed.

I really believe that this is, at least in part, an inborn nature. I raised three new adults (became adults within the past 5 years) who have such diversity of personality. One of them is highly spiritual and artistic, but not really 'kinky'... he understands it, but isn't really interested in it. OTOH, he'll sermonize you under the table about the nature of alternative spiritual viewpoints and the shape of the Universe and our place in it. One is kinky as all get-out (and has, fortunately, met someone who nurtures her art and her kink), and the last one is a real Boy Scout -- gentle, caring, always prepared, self-starting... but so straight you could use him to mark 'plumb' on a wall. I wouldn't want any of them to have to change their natures to be in a relationship, and I've subtly encouraged them to find people who share their deepest desires, needs, and instincts, because those things can be masked, but they won't change, and being involved with someone who genuinely doesn't understand, appreciate, or wants to change their very nature will only hurt both parties.

Calla Firestorm

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 7/8/2008 12:00:08 PM >

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(in reply to nhite)

RE: "mixed" marriages - 7/8/2008 8:19:18 PM

nhite

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Joined: 8/28/2007
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i am not referring to the VERY FREQUENT male dom who doesn't tell the wife what he's doing... you cant swing a dead cat without hitting those...

hell you can't be a female sub without getting sniffed by those ALL the time

i was thinking more where the spouse actually knows what the other one is pursuing

quote:

ORIGINAL: petdave

quote:

ORIGINAL: nhite
it seems to be more common than i expected

First reaction: "You didn't expect it to be common?" Second reaction: "Let's see... yup, female submissive"

quote:

yet i never read anythign written on it or hear of discussion groups etc. yet you can find a discussion group for every other variation!

Need to look harder... they're out there. As a bonus (for you), they're usually full of kinky men

(in reply to petdave)

RE: "mixed" marriages - 7/8/2008 8:57:20 PM

jim64

Posts: 86
Joined: 10/21/2007
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If i read your post correctly, it is more of a bdsm ? than poly. ie she is not concerned about sex with other people, but does not want to give or receive pain(or a lot or other things)?

Depending on how long you have been together this could be a make or break deal. If you are serious try to work it out. Talk to her about your wants and needs.

Good luck!

(in reply to nhite)

RE: "mixed" marriages - 7/9/2008 8:12:43 AM

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From: Kalamazoo, MI
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As a Domme I have worked with many married men. I allow them to masturbate but I do not allow them to touch me sexually. (These are my own rules and I do not mean to imply that anyone else should be forced to adopt them.) I also make it clear that if I ever feel that the man is becoming too emotionally involved with me and that it could hurt his marriage that I will end things.

It is too easy to assume that BDSM has to include sexual acts. In the cases of the married men that I dealt with what they were really looking for was someone who understood their feelings of submission and let them live it out in various ways. Some wanted to wear panties, others to be spanked, others humiliated, some wanted anal penetration. These men all loved their wives. What they really needed more than anything was the freedom to express themselves.

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RE: "mixed" marriages - 7/9/2008 12:43:10 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: nhite

i dont mean racially mixed - i mean one vanilla, one not

it seems to be more common than i expected yet i never read anythign written on it or hear of discussion groups etc. yet you can find a discussion group for every other variation!

to some extent the issues would be those of being poly, but yet i feel its more. i find with poly, a spouse can understand the feelign of wanting to be with someone else physically; but they cant necessarily understand or relate to the feeling of wanting to be (_______) whatever that is for you -- be whipped, spanked, etc.

i find that alone to be a roadblock to understanding and acceptance with a spouse

Ok, first off, i have been married to a wonderful man for over 20 years. "Back in the day" he was as vanilla as they come. So yup, guess i fall into that "mixed marriage" pool.

When i approached him about my interests, he agreed to give it a shot. It didn't take long for him to figure out that "beating" me wasn't his cup of tea at all. We had many long talks about finding someone that i could serve, what his concerns were, what my concerns were and it was only after we had come to an agreement that my search began. Every step of the way, he was included in the search, every Dommes i spoke to was told upfront, without hesitation that i was married and in no way looking to replace my husband or disrupt my family.

I'm sure many would consider our relationship poly, others would call it cheating; we refuse to stuff it into a mold to suit anyone's definition. We call it "what makes US happy". All of us. Including our extended family, adult children... because we realize that it's not just "us" that the relationship effects.

Great lengths have been taken to ensure that no part of our lives are disrupted by the relationship. The (adult) kids know that the "Moms" have a relationship but not the details of such. Friends/extended family members see a great friendship between 3 people. It's what works for us.

With the 3 of us, there is no sexual contact between my husband and Her. She in no way controls any aspect of my relationship with him. He has watched a few scenes and figured out that sitting there cringing with each fall of the flogger isn't something he's comfortable with. lol. So, he chooses to not participate in that aspect of it. He is always welcome to do such, but it is in no way forced on him. We've taken him to a few munches, and he is always welcome at parties She hosts at Her home. In no way is he excluded from any part of my relationship with Her. Between the two of them, there is a friendship and at times i step back, out of the picture entirely for them to have time to discuss (between just the two of them) any concerns or just to go fishing/hunting as friends.

I would hope you are seeing a pattern here. Honesty, communication, and more honesty. Respect for each individual relationship, boundries being respected, and a friendship like none other.

Over time he has begun to realize that being Her slave isn't just a *bedroom* thing. Only took about 4 years but he's figuring it out lol. His initial reaction of it being about *kinky sex* has changed and he is understanding more and more of our M/s relationship and the more he understands, the more there is to talk about.

In my opinion, the biggest roadblock would be formed by dishonesty and cheating. No, not everyone is as fortunate as i am but many won't even take the steps to find out.

As for support groups, i find that starting at "home" is the best support you can give yourself. Too many seek support when they actually want someone to validate them/their *needs* and/or complain about their spouse "not understanding" them. How can a spouse understand if you don't talk to them?

(in reply to nhite)

RE: "mixed" marriages - 7/9/2008 2:22:29 PM

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Ambrosia, that sounds like a recipe for disaster. Far too many guys marry women who are not sexually compatible. That is why we have a zilllion dollar strip club, hooker, call girl, pro domme industry. Most of the customers are married guys. Their idea of compromise is to put on a false front to wifey and act out their true desires with more exciting women.

(in reply to softpjOS)

RE: "mixed" marriages - 7/9/2008 3:35:22 PM

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I think of the stories of mixed vanilla/poly/bdsm relationships, you tend to hear the failures the loudest, as those are the ones to complain. It's possible to get very cynical about differences between people that are, to all extents and purposes, pretty minor.

If people were rational, then they'd put up with the differences if it were worth it. It's easy to overthink the differences though, just as it's easy to overestimate how much someone adds to your life.

(in reply to slavekal)

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