Toren1234
Posts: 13
Joined: 3/18/2008 From: Michigan Status: offline
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First and foremost I basically want to apologize for just coming into the forum without an intro post or anything and just laying all my dirty laundry out on the table, but I'm in serious need of some advice. Also sorry about the length and frankness of the post. If you want to tell me to go fuck myself, I won't be offended in the least. But I'm craving some help here. I'm a 30 year old submissive guy, and I've know about it for a good 15 years or so. I've really only been in 1 serious relationship that involved this lifestyle and that was about 8 years ago. It lasted for a year or so, we lived together, we loved each other, bla bla bla. Cliffnotes version of what when wrong is she cheated on me when we were in a committed relationship and it ended from there. I think this relationship had a profound effect on me, only becasuse when I look back on it now, it was perfect. She loved oral sex, and prefered to orgasm that way. Perfect, I got to go down all the time. Eventually this evolved into the primary role of our relationship; I'd go down on her, give her a few orgasm's and she'd just tell me to mastebate to fulfill "my needs". Eventually she realized that she loved getting her ass eaten as well. This worked out great for me. I've got an ass feteish, and to me, nothing made me feel more submissive than licking her asshole. She caught onto this and before I knew it I was begging to eat her ass, and probably only every other time or so she'd let me. Some special times she'd call me into the bathroom when she was getting ready to work for the night (she was a bartender / shot girl) and let me bury my face in her ass while she got dolled up. God I fucking loved that. We'd have sex on occasion, probably once or twice a week becasue she did like getting fucked, but most of the time it was go down on her and jack off, if I was lucky she'd push me down and I'd get to lick her feet while masterbating and sometimes she wouldn't even let me do that and I'd have to wait til she left to take care of myself. This went on for the duration of our relationship until it ended. The relationship was also filled with her biting, pinching, pulling and clamping my nipples and I was blessed with the fact that she'd kicked me in the balls a good handful of times. I couldn't handle the fact that she cheated on me, and this was well before I knew anything about cuckholding or chasity or any of that shit. Since then I've been in a varitey of mostly vanilla relationships, and I've "pushed" my submissiveness into them as best as I could without being too much of a freak, but that's where my problem lies. I've licked a few more asses, had my nipples pinched a few times, bla bla bla, but I was always chasing that feeling I had with the first girl 8 fucking years ago. I keep trying and trying to find a dominant woman to be with, but it just hasn't happend yet. I've contacted a lot of the women on the site that I'm attracted to, and most of the time, they don't respond or we just don't hit it off. I can understand this, there are a very limited number of domme women, and a surplus of male subs. I'm not holding any grudges or anything like that, I'm just so frustratd and depressed that I don't think I can ever find what I'm looking for. The older I get the busier I get and it seems like the search is becoming more and more impossible and more and more frustrating and it's really affecting me psycologically, in a bad way. Add to this the fact that I'm constantly on line looking at porn and jacking off all the time. 4, 5 times a day no problem. That, I'm sure, isn't helping the problem. Along with the fact that I've still got tons of pics of the first girl and constantly masterbate to those as well. This has led me to the point where I'm at today, where I'm actually thinking about just mailing in my submissiveness and becoming dominant simply to fulfil my fetish desires, and see where that takes me. How bad do you think that is? I mean, I figure I've got a much better chance finding a submissive woman than a domme just by sheer numbers and odds. When I walk down the street, or I'm in a club, or I'm in a yoga class and I see a woman that I'm attracted to I don't think "Damn, I want to fuck her" or "I'd like to date her", I think "I would love to eat her ass" or "I'd love her to kick me in the nuts." There is no doubt I'm a masochasit and turned on by pain, and this has led me to really question my submissiveness. Not much of that is sounding very submissive to me, which is where I'm at with my current prediciment. I've become jaded now so to speak and that's totally inappropriate for a submissive, but probably perfect for becoming a dominant, on the surface at a minimum. I mean, I don't really think I'd have a problem dominating a woman. I think I'm very well versed in the subject from a physical and psycological standpoint that I'd probably make a hell of a dominant as well. I would be happy to do the things she wanted done to her, especailly if I got to trade that for some ass eating or whatever else my little heart desired. But then is what I'd be doing right? Can I flip that swich? Could I be a compassionate Dom while still fulfilling some of my desires? I just don't know what to do anymore. At this point the post here is getting long I'm sure, but I've just been so fucking confused lately I didn't know where to turn. Its not like I can talk to my "normal" frineds about this as I fear being ostricized by my feeling and worry they'll think I'm a freak. I can't affored to go see a shrink or a sexual therapist, so I've turned to all of you fine people and hope some of you can maybe lend some kind of advice or insight as to what I'm going through. Thanks Brian aka Toren.
< Message edited by Toren1234 -- 7/10/2008 7:29:56 PM >
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