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I'm confused and its killing me - 7/10/2008 7:18:01 PM   
Toren1234


Posts: 13
Joined: 3/18/2008
From: Michigan
Status: offline 		First and foremost I basically want to apologize for just coming into the forum without an intro post or anything and just laying all my dirty laundry out on the table, but I'm in serious need of some advice. Also sorry about the length and frankness of the post. If you want to tell me to go fuck myself, I won't be offended in the least. But I'm craving some help here.

I'm a 30 year old submissive guy, and I've know about it for a good 15 years or so. I've really only been in 1 serious relationship that involved this lifestyle and that was about 8 years ago. It lasted for a year or so, we lived together, we loved each other, bla bla bla. Cliffnotes version of what when wrong is she cheated on me when we were in a committed relationship and it ended from there.

I think this relationship had a profound effect on me, only becasuse when I look back on it now, it was perfect. She loved oral sex, and prefered to orgasm that way. Perfect, I got to go down all the time. Eventually this evolved into the primary role of our relationship; I'd go down on her, give her a few orgasm's and she'd just tell me to mastebate to fulfill "my needs". Eventually she realized that she loved getting her ass eaten as well. This worked out great for me. I've got an ass feteish, and to me, nothing made me feel more submissive than licking her asshole. She caught onto this and before I knew it I was begging to eat her ass, and probably only every other time or so she'd let me. Some special times she'd call me into the bathroom when she was getting ready to work for the night (she was a bartender / shot girl) and let me bury my face in her ass while she got dolled up. God I fucking loved that. We'd have sex on occasion, probably once or twice a week becasue she did like getting fucked, but most of the time it was go down on her and jack off, if I was lucky she'd push me down and I'd get to lick her feet while masterbating and sometimes she wouldn't even let me do that and I'd have to wait til she left to take care of myself. This went on for the duration of our relationship until it ended. The relationship was also filled with her biting, pinching, pulling and clamping my nipples and I was blessed with the fact that she'd kicked me in the balls a good handful of times. I couldn't handle the fact that she cheated on me, and this was well before I knew anything about cuckholding or chasity or any of that shit.

Since then I've been in a varitey of mostly vanilla relationships, and I've "pushed" my submissiveness into them as best as I could without being too much of a freak, but that's where my problem lies. I've licked a few more asses, had my nipples pinched a few times, bla bla bla, but I was always chasing that feeling I had with the first girl 8 fucking years ago.

I keep trying and trying to find a dominant woman to be with, but it just hasn't happend yet. I've contacted a lot of the women on the site that I'm attracted to, and most of the time, they don't respond or we just don't hit it off. I can understand this, there are a very limited number of domme women, and a surplus of male subs. I'm not holding any grudges or anything like that, I'm just so frustratd and depressed that I don't think I can ever find what I'm looking for. The older I get the busier I get and it seems like the search is becoming more and more impossible and more and more frustrating and it's really affecting me psycologically, in a bad way.

Add to this the fact that I'm constantly on line looking at porn and jacking off all the time. 4, 5 times a day no problem. That, I'm sure, isn't helping the problem. Along with the fact that I've still got tons of pics of the first girl and constantly masterbate to those as well.

This has led me to the point where I'm at today, where I'm actually thinking about just mailing in my submissiveness and becoming dominant simply to fulfil my fetish desires, and see where that takes me. How bad do you think that is? I mean, I figure I've got a much better chance finding a submissive woman than a domme just by sheer numbers and odds.

When I walk down the street, or I'm in a club, or I'm in a yoga class and I see a woman that I'm attracted to I don't think "Damn, I want to fuck her" or "I'd like to date her", I think "I would love to eat her ass" or "I'd love her to kick me in the nuts." There is no doubt I'm a masochasit and turned on by pain, and this has led me to really question my submissiveness.

Not much of that is sounding very submissive to me, which is where I'm at with my current prediciment. I've become jaded now so to speak and that's totally inappropriate for a submissive, but probably perfect for becoming a dominant, on the surface at a minimum. I mean, I don't really think I'd have a problem dominating a woman. I think I'm very well versed in the subject from a physical and psycological standpoint that I'd probably make a hell of a dominant as well. I would be happy to do the things she wanted done to her, especailly if I got to trade that for some ass eating or whatever else my little heart desired.  But then is what I'd be doing right? Can I flip that swich? Could I be a compassionate Dom while still fulfilling some of my desires? I just don't know what to do anymore.

At this point the post here is getting long I'm sure, but I've just been so fucking confused lately I didn't know where to turn. Its not like I can talk to my "normal" frineds about this as I fear being ostricized by my feeling and worry they'll think I'm a freak. I can't affored to go see a shrink or a sexual therapist, so I've turned to all of you fine people and hope some of you can maybe lend some kind of advice or insight as to what I'm going through.

Thanks

Brian aka Toren.

< Message edited by Toren1234 -- 7/10/2008 7:29:56 PM >
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RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/10/2008 7:34:35 PM   
angelwithhonor


Posts: 193
Joined: 5/16/2007
Status: offline 		..............welcome to cm forum... but damnnnnnnnn that confused the hell out of me.maybe before you jump anywhere , get a better look at yourself. You cant just Dom someone for a trade off of eating ummm ass. at this point i think your wouldnt serve either sub or Dom, til you really find your true self. i do hope that you find what you desire...just be true to yourself and it will follow who you really are..peace

(in reply to Toren1234)
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RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/10/2008 7:43:39 PM   
Toren1234


Posts: 13
Joined: 3/18/2008
From: Michigan
Status: offline 		well, that may be a totally viable option as well, just mail in the whole dom / sub issue and just accept myself as a fetishist.

At the heart of it all I'd like to think I know I'm submissive, but not being able to fulfill those desires is the part thats killing me. I'm just so frustrated with the search at this point I'm thinking about saying fuck it and giving it all up. Its been such a big part of my life / psyche that I don't think that's a viable option either. At the same time, like I said, I have a tendency to be selfish, or want to top from the bottom, which I know is a cardinal sin, and god forbid I be one of "those", but christ, can't a guy be submissive but still get his rocks off too?

And I totally agree, its gotta be really confusing for a stranger....I mean... I know myself and I'm totally confused !!! :)



(in reply to angelwithhonor)
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RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/10/2008 7:47:46 PM   
NeedingMore220


Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline 		Welcome to the forums...quite a doozy of a first post!  lol 

My first question would be ... what do you believe makes you submissive?  Why do you identify as such so strongly?  Is it about the physical manifestations of a D/s relationship?  Is it the emotional side of the relationship that you need as well? 

I was thinking as I was reading - perhaps you want to be a Dom who enjoys controlling his submissive and also pleasing her orally.  I know Doms who are also masochists who have their submissives hurt them, which works for both of them. 

(in reply to Toren1234)
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RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/10/2008 7:54:16 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you for the great post!  There is no need for introduction or other posturing and when people post honest stuff like you did we tend to be quite friendly, whoever the fuck "we" are.

So, I liked your profile, didn't seem too filled with red flags or anything.  So, as a male submissive you are in some ways just fucked, most are idiots who are terribly self centered and want to be "used" EXACTLY how they have fantasized ever time they have jacked off for the last 20 years.  SO, you get painted with that same brush.

Good thing is you seem fairly well balanced and have a good job.  Get your ass out into the community, the bdsm community.  Volunteer, host a party, get OUT there.  Finding GOOD female dominants is, I think, harder than finding good male dominants so don't expect an instant hookup.  However, let me tell you a story.  My community has a wonderful male submissive who we have ALL worked hard for a couple of years to find a good partner and he now has one and together they are having a rather great relationship. 

I would pick up a copy of "Mistress Abernathy's" book on training and being a male slave.  It comes out of San Francisco and is well grounded in reality with just enough fantasy to make it fun and entertaining to read.

Oh, and don't forget GOOD dominant women are human beings with needs and wants for things other than walking around in thigh highs and letting you lick their ass.  I think you get that which is why I responded.  There are some great female dominants on this board, read their profiles, less to hit on them but to learn how to spot good ones.  Oh, they post here and if they don't, that doesn't mean they are bad but who cares about them, read the ones who post and are well respected.

Oh, and DON'T commit one of the most common sins.  Us dominants know manipulation better than you do, asking a question or making a comment that is clearly designed to evoke some sort of response to feed some need of yours drives us fucking nuts and we avoid those people like the plague.  I would prefer someone email me asking for some favor or offering themselves to me than hinting around the bush so to speak.

I have thus spoken...

(in reply to Toren1234)
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RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/10/2008 7:58:36 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Toren1234

At the same time, like I said, I have a tendency to be selfish, or want to top from the bottom, which I know is a cardinal sin, and god forbid I be one of "those", but christ, can't a guy be submissive but still get his rocks off too?


There is a vast difference between saying "I want to lick your ass Mistress anytime, anyplace, anything you want but I need my cock sucked by you at least a few times a month" which to me is being clear about your needs so she can decide to respond "fuck you" or "fuck yeah"...and licking her whenever she wants, hoping she will take care of you, and resenting her for not taking care of you.  To me, the latter IS topping from the bottom, because while it isn't manipulative, it IS a hidden exception which is a cancer on a relationship.

(in reply to Toren1234)
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RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/10/2008 8:01:33 PM   
MissMagnolia


Posts: 3636
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Oh, and don't forget GOOD dominant women are human beings with needs and wants for things other than walking around in thigh highs and letting you lick their ass. 


Yep, I got that feeling reading the post too, OP. Stop looking at Dommes as a walking sex fantasy provider, and more as a woman who has needs of her own, not all sex based either.

Good luck.

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.


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RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/10/2008 8:05:30 PM   
WhiteFox77


Posts: 66
Joined: 4/21/2008
Status: offline 		As a former resident of Michigan, my advice is get the hell out of Michigan and go some where that has a much more prominent BDSM community.  I live in Mn now, and I can think of half a dozen female dominants I know off the top of my head, and I'm not even active in the community beyond posting to the local web forums.


_____________________________

Sincerely
WhiteFox77
Learn more about us at http://SexySubmissive.RedFoxDen.net

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/10/2008 8:13:58 PM   
Toren1234


Posts: 13
Joined: 3/18/2008
From: Michigan
Status: offline 		That first post may have come off a bit .... physically obsessive....which it was, to say the least. Funny how the mind works when you're trying to explain everything post. Oh how it wanders.

But I really am looking for closeness in a relationship in a variety of ways. I'm not looking for a full time fantasy of a leather clad, stiletto wearing, whip wielding domme because, well, I know that it both impractical and improbable. Not to say I wouldn't't like that if it happened every Tuesday and Friday :) but I want to be in a relationship where we are both fulfilled from enjoying each others company, to enjoying regular old nights watching family guy and all that good stuff. That is where true happiness and successful relationships happen. But that's part of my problem, I want all that cake and I want to eat it too :)

Thanks for all the feedback thus far. I didn't find Collar Me all that long ago, and I'm going to try and plug myself into the community here a bit more to share my insights, find out about myself, and hopefully help others as well.

(in reply to MissMagnolia)
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RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/10/2008 8:20:25 PM   
Toren1234


Posts: 13
Joined: 3/18/2008
From: Michigan
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NeedingMore220

Welcome to the forums...quite a doozy of a first post!  lol 

My first question would be ... what do you believe makes you submissive?  Why do you identify as such so strongly?  Is it about the physical manifestations of a D/s relationship?  Is it the emotional side of the relationship that you need as well? 

I was thinking as I was reading - perhaps you want to be a Dom who enjoys controlling his submissive and also pleasing her orally.  I know Doms who are also masochists who have their submissives hurt them, which works for both of them. 



Without contributing too much to the novel I've already written, I think if I want to identify my submissiveness I could go all the way back to late childhood. From my cousin being wonder woman and tieing me up in the basement as kids to my neighbor girl and I playing "master and slave" back in 5th grade or whatever. Then when I was about 15 or so I got involved in (i think the name was) psudo chat back in the good old days of AOL (or it may have even been prodigy) and it didn't seem I had to figure anything out, I knew I was submissive. It came (and comes) natural to me. From the (for lack of better terms) secruity of having a woman know whats best for me in a D/s context, to my desire to just do things for the woman I'm with. I've always been the gentleman kind of guy, opening doors, etc.  I'd say I identify with both the physical and emo aspects of the relationship in a D/s setting, and right now, and for a few years now, I crave them both deeply.

(in reply to NeedingMore220)
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RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/10/2008 8:23:52 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		The only way to unconfuse is through actual experience.  Thinking isn't enough.  The common theme here of "get out into the community, and see Dommes as real people," is critical here.  No words we can provide will be as good as you actually meeting people and trying things out.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Toren1234)
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RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/10/2008 8:31:13 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Toren1234

well, that may be a totally viable option as well, just mail in the whole dom / sub issue and just accept myself as a fetishist.

At the heart of it all I'd like to think I know I'm submissive, but not being able to fulfill those desires is the part thats killing me. I'm just so frustrated with the search at this point I'm thinking about saying fuck it and giving it all up. Its been such a big part of my life / psyche that I don't think that's a viable option either. At the same time, like I said, I have a tendency to be selfish, or want to top from the bottom, which I know is a cardinal sin, and god forbid I be one of "those", but christ, can't a guy be submissive but still get his rocks off too?

And I totally agree, its gotta be really confusing for a stranger....I mean... I know myself and I'm totally confused !!! :)





The biggest difference is that a female will not be in charge.  If it was just the act of ass eating and such that you liked and the domme was simply a prop .. then it probably wouldn't matter to  you if the female is sub or domme. It would matter to a submissive if she is looking for a dom who wants the control of dominating her.  Is this in your heart?  Too many men (and women) come to domination just to get laid by a female willing to do ANYthing they desire. Or so the fantasy goes.
 
Know your own heart.  Do you just want to get laid in your own fashion or do you want the responsibility of nurturing and caring for the female partner.  I hope you get lucky and find a sub who gets off on letting you eat her ass.  It's possible.

< Message edited by LotusSong -- 7/10/2008 8:32:32 PM >

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


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RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/10/2008 9:25:53 PM   
WhiteFox77


Posts: 66
Joined: 4/21/2008
Status: offline 		"Too many men (and women) come to domination just to get laid by a female willing to do ANYthing they desire. Or so the fantasy goes."

Aint that the truth.  One must always remember that if you don't keep your sub happy, you wont keep your sub.  And the "pool" of available subs isn't really all that big, there are a lot more dominant men looking for female subs than there are female subs looking for dominant men.  So becoming a dom to find a woman isn't all that effective.



_____________________________

Sincerely
WhiteFox77
Learn more about us at http://SexySubmissive.RedFoxDen.net

(in reply to LotusSong)
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RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/10/2008 9:28:13 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		It's better to be dominant to take some control over your life-which will hopefully become happier by so doing. If you NEED a sub to accomplish that-you have already lost the game.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

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RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/10/2008 9:33:55 PM   
katie978


Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline 		~quick reply~

  Personally, the idea of you becoming "dom" to fill your fetish needs is ridiculous. Your fetish needs are to be submissive. Period. Although you could become a dom and still participate in the activities you so crave-however, being on the other side of the fence (the one doing the pinching and twisting and kicking) would be ultimately more unfulfilling for you (and whatever poor submissive you rope into it) than being with a largely vanilla woman would be.

   You and a submissive woman, while slot a would still fit into slot b, would otherwise be utterly incompatible sexually. You'd both be seeking someone to dominate you for their own pleasure. As you'd be seeking to dominant for the woman's pleasure...well, you wouldn't really be a dom, then, would you?
 
It is very difficult to find female dominas, that is undeniably true. However, one thing I see as a major problem for you finding a new domme is the fact that you HAVE a domina. She left you eight years ago, but you still hold her so dear in your heart than any new woman wouldn't measure up-even if she loved you and was faithful to you.


::edited for rouge Rs and still doesn't make too much sense....oh well.::

< Message edited by katie978 -- 7/10/2008 9:38:43 PM >

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"That's the plan. Rule the world. You and me. Anyday ::wink::"



(in reply to Toren1234)
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RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/10/2008 10:11:40 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		Ok,so I came back and actually read the op.
 
Go find yourself a switch dude.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to Toren1234)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/11/2008 12:26:25 AM   
KneelingSilently


Posts: 38
Joined: 4/15/2008
Status: offline 		Quick reply

First of all, please, take those pics of your ex and set them on fire. Second, before she "realized that she loved getting her ass eaten" did you really feel like it was something missing from your relationship? Was it that important to you then? Is it really necessary to you know if you give the question some thought? An ex of mine hated hated hated foot worship about as much as I like it... but I still loved her dearly and it did not have a negative impact on our relationship. Do you think you could maybe find a woman who like first, explore things together, and maybe, just maybe, find a fetish that you appreciate more than eating ass?

It sounds like you're sincerely looking for a relationship first and foremost, but are working backwards. Based on what you've written I'm not even certain you're looking for a D/s relationship. A very kinky relationship, sure, but you do you want to hand a great deal of control, and by that I mean more than just sexual, over to your partner? I don't know. All I have to suggest at this point is that you start at square one and decide who you really want to be with right now. Think about personality traits you adore in women. Think about things you'd like to have in common with her. But do try to save any thoughts of what you're looking to get out of her for the very end.

Oh, and one last thing: just get to know people. Look at profiles and ask yourself what you like or don't like about every profile you come across without falling into the trap of looking for what fetishes they're into. Maybe you'll find someone you have a lot in common with and just start up a friendship. There's a Domme I talk about role-playing games. Another who writes some damn good stories. Network, man! It's not who you know, it's who knows you :)

(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/11/2008 12:35:13 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Toren, the key to what you want are the words "Good fit". And I DON'T mean penis to vagina or tongue to ass LOL! What I do mean is this - if those are the ways in which you dream about serving ... you need to find a Domme whose dream is to be served that way. I am sure they exist ... heck you found one before didn't you! (I agree, you need to get over Her though). I wouldn't think they are entirely rare either, most of what floats your boat isn't all that out of the ordinary ... maybe not everyone would go for the whole ass thing (I find it too damn ticklish and it tends to offend when I burst out laughing!) ... but I've heard plenty of Dommes order their subs to worship that particular "temple". It IS possible that you will disappoint a Domme who likes to use that behaviour to shock their subs or push a boundary when you say "Cor yeah Mistress!" and go at it like a starving man LOL! Perhaps you can temper your enthusiasm just a bit.

However, while you say you still want the emotional closeness etc ... what I don't see is what acts of submission you are willing to perform for Me that DON'T particularly float your boat. Will you faithfully wash My dishes without having to be reminded? Will you learn to peg My clothes out on the line in just the way I like? Or whatever other act of submission I choose to ask of you? What else do you have to bring to the relationship? It is in these areas that may make or break your chances of finding the right relationship. BTW I use Myself there as an example only ... since I am in Australia and you are not!

I agree that getting out and about is the way to go, or you'll just go nuts. If you are a helpful and positive member of a "community", then generally they will be supportive of helping you find a suitable partner.

Good luck!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to Toren1234)
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RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/11/2008 12:43:42 AM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Toren, you need to get off the computer and into the real life Scene.  Check out soj.org for information on groups around the US and Canada.

                   to the Forums.

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE


http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to Toren1234)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/11/2008 2:20:39 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Toren1234
This has led me to the point where I'm at today, where I'm actually thinking about just mailing in my submissiveness and becoming dominant simply to fulfil my fetish desires, and see where that takes me. How bad do you think that is? I mean, I figure I've got a much better chance finding a submissive woman than a domme just by sheer numbers and odds.



Dear Brian
Welcome to the collarme forums. i found your post very sincere and insightful.
i'd call this phase you are in transition rather than confusion. It always alwasy helps to give any construct a positive rather than negative twist. Like a crisis becomes an opportunity you know?
i know it's frustrating being a male sub. (That's a hijack to your thread as to the reasons why and it's been discussed in so many forms anyways here.)
But i don't think you are saying you are merely a frusrated male subbie. What i'm feeling is the stirrings of your domiant orientation. However you are reasoning that dominant side being there within you it is there. If you are getting a kick in fantasy/porn/lalaland out of wanting to diminate a woman to get her...and then dominate her by telling her to top you...then that's pretty much your dominant side emerging.
You might even be a switch which means you get to bake your cake and be forced to eat it too.
But anyway you have been brave enough to state how desperate you are and therefore that changes the desperation doesn't it?
Randy bloke as well eh? does randy bloke translate?
i haven't read your profile: i perved it to see which part of the world you are in. But some of what you say could go in a profile. And there will be those who will suggest you get out into a community event which would also help. Some sweet switch bitch is just waiting to get you.
There is a perfect one, or two (or more) for all of us.
Transition (in my honest experience) can last as long as it lasts. But when you get to come out of it there's a wild brilliant feling of having solved what was once a painful and fristrating part of oneself.
Regards Prin....who has had more transitions than hot dinners.

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 7/11/2008 2:23:03 AM >

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Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to Toren1234)
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