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RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/11/2008 6:26:46 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelwithhonor

..............welcome to cm forum... but damnnnnnnnn that confused the hell out of me.maybe before you jump anywhere , get a better look at yourself. You cant just Dom someone for a trade off of eating ummm ass. at this point i think your wouldnt serve either sub or Dom, til you really find your true self. i do hope that you find what you desire...just be true to yourself and it will follow who you really are..peace


Agree with this first response.

Toren, your post was entirely focused on the sexual activities and nothing else frankly.

Let's face it, with mass media, sex books, and such wanting sexual activities that aren't traditional het intercourse isn't that unusual. Find an slightly adventuresome woman and eat each other out or just eat her out.

If you want to explore submission that is more than sex.. you need to do a lot of self searching, self-educating and get involved in any community you can find (in meatlife by the way not just online).

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to angelwithhonor)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/11/2008 1:42:57 PM   
Toren1234


Posts: 13
Joined: 3/18/2008
From: Michigan
Status: offline 		Thanks for everybodies input thus far. I can assure you that while the initial post may have only seemed like I want a woman to lay down and eat her ass, that there is much more that I'm looking for ;)

I think part of the problem (why not, I'll pile more on!) is that lately I just really feel like a freak for having these thoughts. All the while, none of these thoughts have been new to me, they've been with me for a long time. Like I said, about 15 years or so. But its just lately I feel like such a fucking pervert. I'll be out and about and all I can look at are what kind of shoes she's wearing, or how her ass looks, etc. And I've slipped into this whole thing where I see this shit and then start telling myself "could you imagine if...." or "God, who great would it be to..." and its just really making me feel......well...not so good.  I add that with the struggle of finding the elusive Domme woman I've been looking for and finally last night it just seemed like too much.

I mean, I've been on the site for a good handful of months now, lurking, but never felt the need to post, yet it all built up and sure enough I aired it all out. Granted, some of it may have not sounded as right as the months (shit, years) worth of thoughs have led to, but none the less I got it off my chest. That, and all your thoughtful responses as well, have already led me to feeling much MUCH better about myself today.

But because of the above mentoined perverted feelings, I'm actually almost craving some sort of satisfaction out of the vanilla world, yet I know it will never work. Its not that I'm unsuccessful with women, becasue I'm not. Sure, I might not be Cassanova, but I can and have bedded down a good handful of attractive women in my days. To me though, going through the motions of dating and fucking them is about as fun as watching paint dry, and I find the duldrums of a vanilla relationship to be so boring that in the last few years none of my relationships have lasted much more than 6 or 8 weeks. I know there is more out there and I know I want it.

I think I may eventually toy with the idea of maybe giving switching more thought, i think that's a MUCH more viable option than becoming a Dom, and would probably foster a much more nourishing relationship out of switching than Dom'ing. For some reason it never even popped into my head that "Hey, Brian, there's a whole group of people just like you...they're called switches" until I read some of your responses.

Anways, thanks for the help thus far guys and dolls and feel free to keep it coming :)


(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/11/2008 2:53:15 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		No smart woman, sub or domme, is going to want to get into a relationship with someone who wants to pretend there's another woman's head on her body. You aren't looking for a new relationship, you are looking to clone the old one.

As long as you're looking for someone who isn't the person you're with, you won't be able to get into a new relationship. Why? Because you're already stuck in the old one, in a relationship with someone who isn't there except in your head.

You need to get over the first relationship. Since you can't do it yourself, may I suggest therapy? Yes it's expensive and yes it will take a long time. Would you rather in five years still be where you are now, having spent all that time and money on porn and still incapable of having a healthy relationship? Your choice,

And yeah, no porn is a good way to start. Burning all the mementos of the ex is a better.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Prinsexx)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/11/2008 7:14:48 PM   
Toren1234


Posts: 13
Joined: 3/18/2008
From: Michigan
Status: offline 		There is no doubt i've got issues with the first girl. I'm the first one to admit that I've never gotten over her and that that's a problem. I've tried too a variety of ways, and sometimes I think I've come a long way, and yet other times I feel like its still the day after we broke up. There was a time in the last few months where I really didn't even fantasize over her for like 3 or 4 weeks, which has been unheard of for the last several years, but no matter what it has a tendency to always come back to her...weather its actually her, or weather I'm comparing misc new girl to her. She was, for what its worth, very attractive. 

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/11/2008 7:31:39 PM   
Huntertn


Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline 		well well..get out in the community..cause sure as hell what your wanting is out there....but yea get rid of the pictures...and get back to living again..in many ways your like a person thats divorced and pining for their former ex....Move on...and learn to enjoy life again.  I know there are ladies out there that would love to meet you...you just have not met them yet...

(in reply to Prinsexx)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/11/2008 8:02:35 PM   
variation30


Posts: 1190
Joined: 12/1/2007
From: Alabama
Status: offline
quote:

When I walk down the street, or I'm in a club, or I'm in a yoga class and I see a woman that I'm attracted to I don't think "Damn, I want to fuck her" or "I'd like to date her", I think "I would love to eat her ass" or "I'd love her to kick me in the nuts."


oh god I love collarme.com


_____________________________

all the good ones are collared or lesbians.

or old.

(in reply to Toren1234)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/11/2008 8:04:43 PM   
variation30


Posts: 1190
Joined: 12/1/2007
From: Alabama
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia

Yep, I got that feeling reading the post too, OP. Stop looking at Dommes as a walking sex fantasy provider, and more as a woman who has needs of her own, not all sex based either.

Good luck.


oh if only it were that easy.


_____________________________

all the good ones are collared or lesbians.

or old.

(in reply to MissMagnolia)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/11/2008 8:14:28 PM   
KneelingSilently


Posts: 38
Joined: 4/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Toren1234

There is no doubt i've got issues with the first girl. I'm the first one to admit that I've never gotten over her and that that's a problem. I've tried too a variety of ways, and sometimes I think I've come a long way, and yet other times I feel like its still the day after we broke up. There was a time in the last few months where I really didn't even fantasize over her for like 3 or 4 weeks, which has been unheard of for the last several years, but no matter what it has a tendency to always come back to her...weather its actually her, or weather I'm comparing misc new girl to her. She was, for what its worth, very attractive. 

Whenever you start reminiscing about the good old days try and remember all of the things you didn't like about this woman. Hell, you broke up with her! She cheated on you!

(in reply to Toren1234)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/11/2008 8:30:37 PM   
Toren1234


Posts: 13
Joined: 3/18/2008
From: Michigan
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KneelingSilently
Whenever you start reminiscing about the good old days try and remember all of the things you didn't like about this woman. Hell, you broke up with her! She cheated on you!



Believe me, I've tried. There were SO many things about her that I really didn't like too. The obvious one is that she was a whore. She'd slept around with tons of dudes before me, and has slept around after me. She had a shitty drive and ambition in life, but she always got bye on her good looks. She was / is uneducated and dumb quite a bit of the time. She had a shitty job (even though she made a ton of money, lets face it, you can't be a shot girl forever). She was a terrible driver. Etc. The negatives are piled up just as high as the positives. But I'm still chasing that feeling I got with her, and I haven't been able to find it yet, and that's whats so damn frustrating.


(in reply to KneelingSilently)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/12/2008 2:07:50 AM   
Gorgias


Posts: 41
Joined: 10/31/2007
Status: offline 		My heart goes out to you, man.

I thank my lucky stars that I'm bi.  I feel for all the Hetero submissive males out there.

(in reply to Prinsexx)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/12/2008 4:56:17 AM   
Dari


Posts: 192
Joined: 10/8/2007
Status: offline 		Toren,

As long as you're focused externally, you're never going to be satisfied.  Your last post said you're chasing the feeling you had with her - but you're focused more on the fact that you felt like that WITH HER than you are about the way you felt. 

Start with some self analysis.  What are you really looking for?  From your posting, I don't get the sense of dominance I would in a Dom I'd respect.  I get a sense of desperation.  Of longing for direction.  Of wanting someone to come make things right, and to fix things for you - but I don't get any sense at all that you've taken control of your own life and situation.  If you can't even take control of your situation, how the hell do you expect to control someone else's?

Your masturbatory fantasies have started to control your thoughts, until you're in a place where you think about sex, and the feeling you're missing, more than  you're thinking about the other things.  You see women and think about what you'd like to do with them, and to them - do you think that you're going to find a lot of Dommes who want to be viewed like a piece of meat?  I take very good care of my subs, I do care about making sure their needs are met - but I do that on my own terms, not on theirs.  You seem like you want to do this to live out your fantasies, not whatever your future partner's may be.

I'm not trying to be rude here - this is just how I see things, based solely on what you've posted.  If you meet a Domme with the same mindset as I've seen here, they probably think you're a train wreck, and will wonder how much of their time would be necessary to set you straight.  If I were a sub, just reading your post would make me shy away, because if fantasies control you, you're not getting anywhere near any part of my life that I currently control.

It's time, as some have suggested, to step away from fantasies and work on taking a good hard look at reality.  "I can't find someone who's willing to let me eat her ass" is a poor reason to become a Dom.  Figure out what really trips your trigger - is it the physical actions you list and about which you obsess?  Or is it the feelings you have when you do it?  If it's the physical actions - go find someone kinky.  If it's the feelings you have when you do those things (as much as or more than the actions themselves), then find a Domme.  But if you're going to find a Domme - stop obsessing about the physical actions that you want, and work harder to find someone whose personality matches yours.  Along the way, make sure she's kink enough for you too - there's nothing wrong with saying: "I crave submission, but I'm kinky as hell and I have a need to be able to express that, too."  Make sure you add things like Denial to your list of Hates, and be open and up front about your needs.

There's nothing wrong (as I think Michael said earlier) about having needs and being honest about them.  But figure out what works for you on an emotional/mental level - the physical kink can be found in any combination of dominance and submission.

(in reply to Gorgias)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/12/2008 9:55:11 AM   
justLady


Posts: 26
Joined: 6/21/2006
Status: offline 		Just a few thoughts from a Domme's perspective.

First up, welcome to the boards.  I'm glad you feel a bit better about yourself from the advice you've received; it's a rare individual who doesn't need the company of like-minded souls to reassure themselves from time to time that they're not too different to find fulfillment and happiness.

From my reading of your posts, I'm still unconvinced about your submissive nature.  I think you may have some issues with women - all of us.  To you, we are completely sexualised in your day to day thoughts, and I don't see much evidence of 'service oriented thought', i.e. I'd love to run her a bath, cook her dinner, hold the door open for her, adore her, look up to her.

Your criticisms of your girlfriend can be summed up as 'she's a stupid, ambitionless whore who can't drive well'.  Maybe she is all of those things, but they don't exactly speak to her character - was she unkind, insensitive, selfish, argumentative, etc?  You seem to have been with her primarily because she looked good and let you rim her.  That doesn't say a lot for your choices.

I love porn.  Read a lot of it, watch it where I can.  But it's also important to recognise that it is fantasy.  I know you do recognise that, but can't help thinking that your obsession with it has led you to objectify women to a large degree.  Jacking off 4/5 times a day to porn and pictures of your ex does sound like a lot to me. 

If I was you, for a while at least, I'd cut back on the porn and spend more time getting involved with discussion communities, etc.  Reading and learning about real people who are involved in BDSM relationships.  See where you see yourself fitting in.

You're smart, insightful and self-deprecating, but from what you've said, I do think you need to spend a little bit more time getting to know about the women who are Dominant, rather than watching Bulgarian actresses paid to appear Dominant on camera. (though many of them are very lovely!)

Good luck.


_____________________________

“Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.”

Faith Whittlesey

(in reply to Dari)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/12/2008 5:13:42 PM   
Amadan


Posts: 44
Joined: 7/13/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael


Oh, and DON'T commit one of the most common sins.  Us dominants know manipulation better than you do, asking a question or making a comment that is clearly designed to evoke some sort of response to feed some need of yours drives us fucking nuts and we avoid those people like the plague.  I would prefer someone email me asking for some favor or offering themselves to me than hinting around the bush so to speak.

I have thus spoken...

Buhahahaha!!!!!!
*erupts a Vesuvius of Gatoraide*
Now I'm gonna have to clean my damn keyborad.

Well Said!


(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/14/2008 7:03:10 PM   
Toren1234


Posts: 13
Joined: 3/18/2008
From: Michigan
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dari

Toren,

As long as you're focused externally, you're never going to be satisfied.  Your last post said you're chasing the feeling you had with her - but you're focused more on the fact that you felt like that WITH HER than you are about the way you felt. 



While I agree it may have been too focused on HER as to the way it all made me FEEL, I can assure you that it was certainly about how it made me feel, and how it made her feel for that matter. She knew she had the control over me, and I willing gave that to her. I happen to find it totally reasonable that a physical act can make me feel a certain way emotionally. For me, there isn't much more of a submissive feeling than when she, or consequently other women that I have been with, would let me eat their ass. I mean, I'm eating ass for christs sake, it can't get more humiliating than that (well, i guess it could, but I don't think i'm willing to go there), and that combined feeling of humiliation along with the submission of it made me feel awesome, weather it was with girl A, B, or C.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dari
Start with some self analysis.  What are you really looking for?  From your posting, I don't get the sense of dominance I would in a Dom I'd respect.  I get a sense of desperation.  Of longing for direction.  Of wanting someone to come make things right, and to fix things for you - but I don't get any sense at all that you've taken control of your own life and situation.  If you can't even take control of your situation, how the hell do you expect to control someone else's?


I can and have taken this advice...from you and from a few other people....I know that really this (problem I'm having) is about ME. Granted, there are a few external factors that contribute to it, but mostly its about how I react to it and how I'M going to change / do things. Am I longing for direction? Sure. Do I think my life is a trainwreck right now? Yep. From having an unstable job working for an Automotive Company in Detroit, and being uncertain about a career change. To regretting a few things I did / didn't do over the past few years go better myself, etc. Shit over the last month I've fallen prey to all my old demons. I've been drinking more and occasionally I've picked up the cigarettes again which is totally pathetic. I think that when I compounded all that shit with the fact that I've been feeling hopeless relationship wise I kinda just had a little bit of system overload.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dari
Your masturbatory fantasies have started to control your thoughts, until you're in a place where you think about sex, and the feeling you're missing, more than  you're thinking about the other things. 


I'm trying to curtail my materbation habits. I'm even running after work and not letting myself look at the computer till after that. We'll see how it goes, but i'm gonna try and take it down to twice a day and go from there. (if I could only find a keyholder)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Dari
You see women and think about what you'd like to do with them, and to them - do you think that you're going to find a lot of Dommes who want to be viewed like a piece of meat?  I take very good care of my subs, I do care about making sure their needs are met - but I do that on my own terms, not on theirs.  You seem like you want to do this to live out your fantasies, not whatever your future partner's may be.


This will probably be my biggest hurdle to overcome. I admit that I look at women as pieces of meat. Nice, tasty, 12 oz. Filets! But serioulsy though, its not that I just think they are blow up dolls, but my obsession with the physical is probably a problem, but damn, I just fucking love attractive women.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dari
There's nothing wrong (as I think Michael said earlier) about having needs and being honest about them.  But figure out what works for you on an emotional/mental level - the physical kink can be found in any combination of dominance and submission.


Honesty is where I'm going to start. With myself and with anybody new I may come across.

(in reply to Dari)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/14/2008 7:12:06 PM   
Toren1234


Posts: 13
Joined: 3/18/2008
From: Michigan
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: justLady

Just a few thoughts from a Domme's perspective.

First up, welcome to the boards.  I'm glad you feel a bit better about yourself from the advice you've received; it's a rare individual who doesn't need the company of like-minded souls to reassure themselves from time to time that they're not too different to find fulfillment and happiness.

Its amazing how much better you can feel by just typing out some feelings and having a bunch of total stranges be willing to help you and confirm that I'm not a (total) freak. I can't thank you guys enough for your time and responses.

quote:

ORIGINAL: justLady
From my reading of your posts, I'm still unconvinced about your submissive nature.  I think you may have some issues with women - all of us.  To you, we are completely sexualised in your day to day thoughts, and I don't see much evidence of 'service oriented thought', i.e. I'd love to run her a bath, cook her dinner, hold the door open for her, adore her, look up to her.


After a few days of self analysis that I can again confirm my submissiveness. Although, I do know that it would have been hard to tell from the bulk of my posts because they were very selfish. I wasn't in the best of places just a few short days ago, but I can assure you there is really nothing better for me than looking into a woman's eyes an letting her know that I'd do (just about) anything for her and having that look reciprocated.

quote:

ORIGINAL: justLady
Your criticisms of your girlfriend can be summed up as 'she's a stupid, ambitionless whore who can't drive well'.  Maybe she is all of those things, but they don't exactly speak to her character - was she unkind, insensitive, selfish, argumentative, etc?  You seem to have been with her primarily because she looked good and let you rim her.  That doesn't say a lot for your choices.

Without getting into the whole psychology of our relationship, she wasn't the ideal description of a good, strong woman. She had family issues, looking back she probably had mental health issues. I don't want to get into it all here, but she had plenty of character flaws, but I don't want this to be about me bashing her.

quote:

ORIGINAL: justLady
I love porn.  Read a lot of it, watch it where I can.  But it's also important to recognise that it is fantasy.  I know you do recognise that, but can't help thinking that your obsession with it has led you to objectify women to a large degree.  Jacking off 4/5 times a day to porn and pictures of your ex does sound like a lot to me. 

As stated in my above post, I'm doing my best to curtail this.

quote:

ORIGINAL: justLady
If I was you, for a while at least, I'd cut back on the porn and spend more time getting involved with discussion communities, etc.  Reading and learning about real people who are involved in BDSM relationships.  See where you see yourself fitting in.

You're smart, insightful and self-deprecating, but from what you've said, I do think you need to spend a little bit more time getting to know about the women who are Dominant, rather than watching Bulgarian actresses paid to appear Dominant on camera. (though many of them are very lovely!)


Now I just have to grow the balls to actually go out and get involved in the community! Totally different than posting things (relatively) anonymously on a message board.

Thanks for you feedback.



(in reply to justLady)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/14/2008 11:21:51 PM   
lighthearted


Posts: 1165
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Toren1234

Now I just have to grow the balls to actually go out and get involved in the community! Totally different than posting things (relatively) anonymously on a message board.



the first time we went to a club, I was so scared I asked my Daddy to go in and check it out...because as much as I wanted it, I was terrified of them seeing me.  turns out they were a really great bunch of...people.  just people...like me, like him, like you.

my point is, don't miss out on something that could be really wonderful for you.  if nothing else, you'll meet people that you have a lot in common with and perhaps you won't feel like so much of a "freak".

best of luck.

_____________________________

"Thou art to me a delicious torment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

(in reply to Toren1234)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/15/2008 10:10:23 AM   
subtee


Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline 		ORIGINAL: Toren1234

quote:

Not much of that is sounding very submissive to me, which is where I'm at with my current prediciment. I've become jaded now so to speak and that's totally inappropriate for a submissive, but probably perfect for becoming a dominant, on the surface at a minimum.
What's here? Dominants can be jaded, should be jaded but it's inappropriate for submissives? It seems to me people can become jaded, whether they be Dom or Sub.


quote:

I mean, I don't really think I'd have a problem dominating a woman. I think I'm very well versed in the subject from a physical and psycological standpoint that I'd probably make a hell of a dominant as well. I would be happy to do the things she wanted done to her, especailly if I got to trade that for some ass eating or whatever else my little heart desired. 
This seems to be your submissive truth. It would make you happy to make her happy.... 

It seems to me what is missing for you might be the dynamic rather than the activities themselves. She controlled you in a way that you haven't experienced since then. It's no use trying to change yourself into something you're not. Instead reinforce your submissiveness, explore it and start by trying for the dynamic instead of the physical acts.





_____________________________

Don't believe everything you think...

(in reply to Toren1234)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: I'm confused and its killing me - 7/15/2008 11:56:10 AM   
petpete


Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline 		Relax Toren... If partnership and relationships where that easy then the rest of us who are here wouldn't be here to answer your question and so many others that arise so frequently.

_____________________________

Chief: Max, you realize you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable.
Max: And loving it!


(in reply to subtee)
Profile   Post #: 38
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