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How does all this work? - 7/23/2008 3:34:15 PM

felicean

Posts: 13
Joined: 7/12/2008
Status: offline

I recently joined this site and I am somewhat "unexperienced" with D/s. I have had some emails and conversations with some Dominants. Some have contacted me, and some I have contacted. I have not found Him yet, so I continue to look. I sent out an email today to a Dominant on this site and his reply was that I am "fake" because I have talked to others. It seemed to him (after one email exchange) that I have no follow thru. So I am wondering - is there a protocol I am unaware of regarding contacting others?
My understanding from my readings is that it may take awhile to find someone and to be patient. I am curious if I am doing something unacceptable by talking to people and intiating contact.
Thank you for your time. If this topic has been covered, I apologize but did not see it on older threads.

Post #: 1

RE: How does all this work? - 7/23/2008 3:49:34 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

There are some people who dont think that a sub should be the one to initiate contact, others who think it is the subs responsability to do so. There are some who find any excuse they can to make it look like your ault things aret being pursued.
I woudnt worry too much, consider it a very clear indication that they are NOT the one for you.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to felicean)

Post #: 2

RE: How does all this work? - 7/23/2008 3:50:01 PM

StrongSpirit

Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline

Anyone that says someone else is fake is not worth talking to. Same with claiming to be looking for a 'true' or 'real' dom/sub

Different people have different desires and sexuality. Some people want a slave like sub, others want someone that can stand up to them. Some want a disobedient person they can hit a lot, others want an obedient woman.

When you say someone is fake/true/real/ etc. you are effectively trying to force the ENTIRE rest of the world to conform to what you personally find sexually exciting.

It is similar to insulting a lesbian saying she is not a 'real woman'.

Ignore people that do this. They are not worth talking to.

P.S. You did nothing wrong.

(in reply to felicean)

Post #: 3

RE: How does all this work? - 7/23/2008 3:50:35 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Now that's a person who is showing himself not to be interested in what he claims to want. He's looking for a reason to end it before it begins. Probably still licking his wounds from a previous relationship.

Relationships are relationships are relationships. They all require the same things; mutual regard, respect and an ability to communicate, and a desire to meet each other's needs/

No, there is no protocol saying the first guy you say hi to is the one who gets to collar you. No more that the first guy you had a crush on as a teenybopper is the one you have to marry. Ignore him. Figure out what you want in a partner and what you have to offer, what you can and cannot tolerate, and what you must have and what you can compromise on.

Meet and talk to as many people as you like while you figure it out. And put the guys like that on a blocked list, they have proven themselves to be incompatible.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to felicean)

Post #: 4

RE: How does all this work? - 7/23/2008 3:51:36 PM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
Status: offline

Trying to find someone who is compatible with you in this world is no different than in the "vanilla" world, only harder because we fish from a much smaller pond. Some are lucky enough to find someone quickly and for others, they are still looking years after starting. There's just so many variables that can affect how successful a person will be in finding someone.

There is no universal protocol. Most people just like for you to be yourself and be polite, and that applies to everyone, not just submissive types.

Best of luck to you.

(in reply to felicean)

Post #: 5

RE: How does all this work? - 7/23/2008 3:52:20 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Everything you know about good manners and relationship building skills apply here as well.

Do yourself a favor and make a commitment to NOT making a commitment to anyone for at least six months.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 6

RE: How does all this work? - 7/23/2008 6:53:16 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Would you think that was decent behavior if this were a vanilla site? Just because we're kinky doesn't mean we throw away vanilla dating skills. Be yourself...that way, when someone hits it off with you, it's because of you, not some mask you've taken up.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to felicean)

Post #: 7

RE: How does all this work? - 7/23/2008 8:16:39 PM

felicean

Posts: 13
Joined: 7/12/2008
Status: offline

Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate it...and it helps me to feel a little less alone in this...

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 8

RE: How does all this work? - 7/23/2008 8:48:22 PM

monywildcat

Posts: 452
Joined: 2/26/2008
Status: offline

Sorry I had to perv your profile. What you are looking for is very well-written! It's astonishing that you (or anyone for that matter) would get ugly, violent, negative responses. Why do people in general put so much energy into being mean? They are silly.

Good luck to you, seriously. Sounds like you know what you are looking for, and that's half the battle. I wouldn't put too much thought towards those that are hostile and ugly, their emails are the online equivalent to the gross creepy guy at the bar that says things like "if you weren't taken I would fuck the shit out of you". Or this one "man, I would love to ass-rape you". Yuck!

(in reply to felicean)

Post #: 9

RE: How does all this work? - 7/23/2008 8:55:01 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

It's not astonishing. It's first-month syndrome. I have a lot of respect for any woman who puts a profile on this site. So, felicean, (1) it gets better once you're off the New Users list, and there really are sane people online, especially if you hang around the message boards (no stupid comments please

), but also (2) you're in New York!!!! Go meet some PEOPLE!

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to monywildcat)

Post #: 10

RE: How does all this work? - 7/23/2008 10:01:02 PM

Justine45

Posts: 7
Joined: 5/16/2008
Status: offline

Unless someone has specified that he doesn't want initial contacts from potential subs (which makes no sense, imo), I can only assume that the name-caller has a problem. And it's his problem, not yours.

There are plenty of sane, polite Dominants here, so take your time until you feel comfy. They understand what it's like to be testing the kink-waters for the first time.

(in reply to felicean)

Post #: 11

RE: How does all this work? - 7/23/2008 10:05:58 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: felicean

I recently joined this site and I am somewhat "unexperienced" with D/s. I have had some emails and conversations with some Dominants. Some have contacted me, and some I have contacted. I have not found Him yet, so I continue to look. I sent out an email today to a Dominant on this site and his reply was that I am "fake" because I have talked to others. It seemed to him (after one email exchange) that I have no follow thru. So I am wondering - is there a protocol I am unaware of regarding contacting others?
My understanding from my readings is that it may take awhile to find someone and to be patient. I am curious if I am doing something unacceptable by talking to people and intiating contact.
Thank you for your time. If this topic has been covered, I apologize but did not see it on older threads.

Look back at how that person made you feel. Unsure of yourself, seeing him as someone of authority, all in a mode of being that eroticises weakness, power, and authority. He was playing a childish but effective game of "making her defensive so she will suck my cock" and it almost worked but you were too smart for him, not all are.

Many of the most respected dominants here are also the most gracious, the least likely to take offense, and the most accepting of learning and "newness". I am not one of those but I think many would agree with that assessment of others. Anyone who tries to guilt you, threaten you, or otherwise manipulate you at the get go is a nitwit.

(in reply to felicean)

Post #: 12

RE: How does all this work? - 7/23/2008 10:07:37 PM

SurrenderForMe

Posts: 229
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

You are going to get all kinds of mindsets and attitudes from people. If you sent a courteous email to someone and get a response like the one you mentioned, move on. He's a dick and probably an amateur who has read to much fiction.

Common courtesy is the basic requirement for a decent person to respond to with an equally courteous reply.

(in reply to felicean)

Post #: 13

RE: How does all this work? - 7/23/2008 10:44:30 PM

Alumbrado

Posts: 5560
Status: offline

quote:

I sent out an email today to a Dominant on this site and his reply was that I am "fake" because I have talked to others. It seemed to him (after one email exchange)....

Ignore.

Rinse.

Repeat.

(in reply to SurrenderForMe)

Post #: 14

RE: How does all this work? - 7/24/2008 7:43:31 AM

CrazyC

Posts: 949
Joined: 9/28/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Many of the most respected dominants here are also the most gracious, the least likely to take offense, and the most accepting of learning and "newness". I am not one of those but I think many would agree with that assessment of others. Anyone who tries to guilt you, threaten you, or otherwise manipulate you at the get go is a nitwit.

SM, whatever :P. You are far from someone who would try to take advantage of someone new.

OP, welcome to the club. You have finally met a normal jackass. You haven't done anything wrong. So you didn't respond in his time frame, let him scold you with deaf ears. Sounds like he might have some issues, and would be far from what you want in a relationship (be it casual or serious) anyway. And yes, it will take time. But remember, in your search, you will find others to learn from.

_____________________________

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back." Barbara De Angelis

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 15

RE: How does all this work? - 7/24/2008 11:38:39 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

You might want to get offline and get out into the world -- find some meetings, munches and workshops in your area.

Make friends and learn the stuff from there...

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to felicean)

Post #: 16

RE: How does all this work? - 7/24/2008 7:41:36 PM

ApathyRomance

Posts: 106
Joined: 4/2/2008
Status: offline

Not that it should matter, but maybe a picture on your profile would help in your search. It's not a secret that guys like looking at women.

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 17

RE: How does all this work? - 7/24/2008 7:57:39 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

felicean, your profile is well written and your height/weight and age sound really good to me.

Add to that the fact that males outnumber the females here by a fair amount... and you're a subbie in demand.

Spend your time on the Doms (and others for that matter) who are worth chatting with and ignore the rest and your experience will improve.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to ApathyRomance)

Post #: 18

RE: How does all this work? - 7/24/2008 9:42:23 PM

kwind

Posts: 3
Joined: 7/19/2008
Status: offline

the verdict is in! ditto on the well written profile.

< Message edited by kwind -- 7/24/2008 9:43:42 PM >

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 19

RE: How does all this work? - 7/26/2008 1:52:17 PM

cillydom

Posts: 332
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

usually it doesnt work very well

(in reply to felicean)

Post #: 20

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