RE: Flash Back????

RE: Flash Back???? (Full Version)

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SimplyMichael -> RE: Flash Back???? (8/1/2008 1:25:04 PM)
Dawn, Frankly, I think we let too many things slide. Face slapping is hot for me, highly erotic and something that I don't do often but do desire. I don't tend to do it with BSB because it can set off migraines. I am taking care of my partner and so I don't miss it. However, what that couple sounds like is two co-dependents locked in a destructive but self justified circle of their own little hell. Intense play is one thing, I do some stuff that would shock people but later that evening and often later that hour, my partner is grinning ear to ear, not huddling in a corner like some wounded animal. That kind of crap is something I would call someone on. Doesn't make you popular but if not you or I, then who?

Lockit -> RE: Flash Back???? (8/1/2008 1:34:52 PM)
I could not have watched that... and yet I wonder if I could have walked away. I don't think that I could. I do however think I would have been anti social for the evening after witnessing a daddy do that. He would have reminded me of mine and I might have wanted to take him down.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Flash Back???? (8/1/2008 1:46:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit There is nothing wrong and a whole lot right about re-visiting something truamatic, but everything wrong in focusing too much on it. It will keep you trapped and in victim mode. Overcome the memory and you are no longer victim to it. You can continue to work on the wound from a place that is not coming from or feeling like a victim. That can be empowering! I liked your whole post but particularly this part. Remembering the trust you have in your dominant may help to realize you are not a victim with him and that this is a shared experience. As one who spent a good deal of my adulthood dwelling on past pains, it took a long time to realize I was spending too much energy on all that and it was keeping me in victim mode. When these landmines were hit upon with my Master, he quickly refocused and continued moving us forward, so as not to get trapped in that moment and to continue the momentum of my focus on him and stay in the present. Afterward I could talk about it to my heart's desire, and he wanted me to so he could understand it all and help work me through it. But in my case, when he would stop the activity long enough to acknowledge a problem and then continue forward, it was a great help and a great lesson in not allowing my past to create roadblocks to my future. As for what Dawn shared, while there are times I actually DO need to be reduced to a sobbing heap, doing so in a prolonged state, and especially publically, would cause me to fear the Man, and be counterproductive to all we have been trying to create. I would imagine it was especially traumatic to witness, also.

Lockit -> RE: Flash Back???? (8/1/2008 2:06:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie When these landmines were hit upon with my Master, he quickly refocused and continued moving us forward, so as not to get trapped in that moment and to continue the momentum of my focus on him and stay in the present. Afterward I could talk about it to my heart's desire, and he wanted me to so he could understand it all and help work me through it. But in my case, when he would stop the activity long enough to acknowledge a problem and then continue forward, it was a great help and a great lesson in not allowing my past to create roadblocks to my future. Acknowledging that there is something going on validates you and your memory or experience and lets you know that it all isn't being ignored. I think that is major in healing too. I have heard to many times, that someone shared something so deep and they got a look or a stare or no comment. Just simply being heard is a big deal. We all need to be seen. Having someone that can see us... know the good as well as the bad, and love us enough to help us get through the bad, is a feeling of love that promotes healing. You have a very smart Master! (smile) You can see the love between the two of you in most of your post! Thank you for that!

ownedgirlie -> RE: Flash Back???? (8/1/2008 2:09:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit You have a very smart Master! (smile) You can see the love between the two of you in most of your post! Thank you for that! Aww, thank you, Lockit, this made me smile. I guess that's why I call him Mr. Wonderful. [:)]

dawntreader -> RE: Flash Back???? (8/1/2008 2:11:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael ... not huddling in a corner like some wounded animal. That kind of crap is something I would call someone on. Doesn't make you popular but if not you or I, then who? i agree and it turns out there were quite a few complaints about this particular presentation and when the couple wanted to present at a following function, they were denied. It was not the same presentation but an equally edgy one~

lovingpet -> RE: Flash Back???? (8/1/2008 8:17:05 PM)
I think you have received quite a bit of good advice and insight into flashbacks. I hope this thread is helping as you get through all this. I would like to point out from my own experience that the ability to flashback is often a sign of stability in your life. Your mind typically will not deal with these things when you are in crisis mode already. It took a few years of loving marriage with hubby before much of my harder stuff came out. I discussed the timing with a few folks, some professional, who all seemed to agree that it was the security and trust I had with him that allowed me to open these corners of my mind and deal with what was there. I have dealt with flashback when not physically with him, but knowing I could call or get back home and he would care for me and listen helped immeasurably. He is a loving constant in my life. Learn from them, learn to work through them when they happen, but consider the positive meaning it has that you are finally able to face these difficult issues. Perhaps, like me, it means you have found a solid place to stand and feel the love and trust so necessary to heal. Warmest Wishes, lovingpet

kyraofMists -> RE: Flash Back???? (8/1/2008 8:33:52 PM)
It happens for me on a somewhat regular basis with him. Most often it happens during sex. I get the feeling of being trapped, then I panic and I start to fight back. He physically overpowers me and brings my focus back to the present. It has happened often enough that I now start to recognize the warning signals and sometimes I am successful at stopping it before I panic. I love having sex and have no desire to stop that particular activitiy, so I accept the risk of dragging up past emotions. There have been a few times that I have just cried afterwards, but the positives by far out weigh the negatives. For me, the issue isn't him and it isn't the activity. It is just that a negative emotional connection was made with sex when I was very young and it is very difficult to break. I am getting better at it though. Knight's Kyra

MaamJay -> RE: Flash Back???? (8/1/2008 10:43:56 PM)
When someone is in a stable and trusting relationship and when that trust is expressed in intense ways, as is the case with a good D/s relationship, odds are that somewhere along the way, someone is going to step on an emotional landmine. The key is in dealing with it well from BOTH sides and it sounds as if the OP and her Sir have done that. There's also been a lot of great advice here about dealing with future ones and it must make you feel less alone knowing others have faced the same things. I think a Dominant has to be prepared to deal with these AND a sub has to be prepared to be honest and open about potential triggers they know of, though there is always the chance of something popping up that they would never have identified. I like the idea of the D and s working out some kind of signal or special safeword that indicates it is something deepseated that's happening, and also liked ownedgirlie's idea that they centre and then move on at the time and come back to it afterwards so it models that it won't hold her back. Very positive! Hugs to all who have dealt with this. Maam Jay aka violet[A]

KnightofMists -> RE: Flash Back???? (8/2/2008 5:37:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19 He handled it very well and just held me and told me it would be okay and he was sorry he hurt me. he said he would take care of me and I could just cry it out. I'm OK. A little thrown off by it. He was definitely concerned. I reassured him that I am OK. He was worried. How many others have had relived trauma due to something that was being done to you and how did you handle it? Dealing with Flash backs is not easy... to often we seem to instinctively take responsibility for the flash back that a person has. As you said.. your sir stated he was sorry for hurting you......... but in truth... did he really hurt you? Seems to me you both where having a very hot time and then this nasty flash back came in a ruined the fun. Suddenly you are crying and the only thing he has to go on is what is occurring now.. but in that moment your in the past. That is the thing with Flash backs... is understanding they are in the past... and what a person is feeling and even thinking is from a a prespective of the past and not about what is actually occuring. One of the things I have done with Kyra and Alandra is bring them to the present. Seperate what happen to then from what is happening now. Usually the connection of the Flashback to the Now is the physical actions.... but the motivations of the two are almost always distinctly different. Our pleasures and pains are not rooted in the actions... but the motivations. It is of course important to understand what specific action or actions triggered the flashback... but I also feel it is important not to let the past action label all similiar actions in the Now and future. It is slow steps at first to beable to redefine an action. Sometimes we need to confront these past actions in some way to leave them in the past. This doesn't mean we have to confront the person that inflicted them... thou that maybe the case for a few. It just might mean we have talk about it... have someone empathize with our past expeience so we can actually leave it in the past. Often times these flashbacks are burdens that the individual is carrying alone and we need to share it to discard it. luscious... I actually think your situation was a golden opportunity for the two of you. A chance that to connect in very intimate way... a chance for both of you to feel. I would caution that he nor you make it bigger than it is. Don't let the past control the present. I hope that the actions of slapping your face is not something that you are shutting door on... but.. don't go recklessly through that door either. I would suggest that you talk about how you felt about what was occuring before the flash back hit. This is all to distance your present from the past. As Kyra mentioned... she gets the flashes fairly often... likely because I am often pushing the button. After hitting the button by accident and learning about it... it has been a steady slow progression of working on it. Slowly, she is learning to distance herself from the past with the present. It has been very rewarding and pleasing to watch her deal with it in her own way... she is stronger because of it... I am proud of her.

lusciouslips19 -> RE: Flash Back???? (8/2/2008 5:52:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists quote: ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19 He handled it very well and just held me and told me it would be okay and he was sorry he hurt me. he said he would take care of me and I could just cry it out. I'm OK. A little thrown off by it. He was definitely concerned. I reassured him that I am OK. He was worried. How many others have had relived trauma due to something that was being done to you and how did you handle it? Dealing with Flash backs is not easy... to often we seem to instinctively take responsibility for the flash back that a person has. As you said.. your sir stated he was sorry for hurting you......... but in truth... did he really hurt you? Seems to me you both where having a very hot time and then this nasty flash back came in a ruined the fun. Suddenly you are crying and the only thing he has to go on is what is occurring now.. but in that moment your in the past. That is the thing with Flash backs... is understanding they are in the past... and what a person is feeling and even thinking is from a a prespective of the past and not about what is actually occuring. One of the things I have done with Kyra and Alandra is bring them to the present. Seperate what happen to then from what is happening now. Usually the connection of the Flashback to the Now is the physical actions.... but the motivations of the two are almost always distinctly different. Our pleasures and pains are not rooted in the actions... but the motivations. It is of course important to understand what specific action or actions triggered the flashback... but I also feel it is important not to let the past action label all similiar actions in the Now and future. It is slow steps at first to beable to redefine an action. Sometimes we need to confront these past actions in some way to leave them in the past. This doesn't mean we have to confront the person that inflicted them... thou that maybe the case for a few. It just might mean we have talk about it... have someone empathize with our past expeience so we can actually leave it in the past. Often times these flashbacks are burdens that the individual is carrying alone and we need to share it to discard it. luscious... I actually think your situation was a golden opportunity for the two of you. A chance that to connect in very intimate way... a chance for both of you to feel. I would caution that he nor you make it bigger than it is. Don't let the past control the present. I hope that the actions of slapping your face is not something that you are shutting door on... but.. don't go recklessly through that door either. I would suggest that you talk about how you felt about what was occuring before the flash back hit. This is all to distance your present from the past. As Kyra mentioned... she gets the flashes fairly often... likely because I am often pushing the button. After hitting the button by accident and learning about it... it has been a steady slow progression of working on it. Slowly, she is learning to distance herself from the past with the present. It has been very rewarding and pleasing to watch her deal with it in her own way... she is stronger because of it... I am proud of her. It has brought us closer and no I am not walking away from the play of slapping. We have talked about the trigger. The trigger is when it feels like a response to something i say and seems punitive. Also, a series of many in succession. I did suggest that many one after the other might not be such a great thing now. I don not want to give up the play but I would be lying if I said either one of us will be void of any trepidation to the act. I am curious as to what my reaction will be to it in the future. Any suggestion as to how to deal with it in a responsible way going forward would be much appreciated. Perhaps you have a series of things you do step by step to separate the past and the future. I do not want to end up skittish or gun-shy. He is not on the boards or CM. But he has enjoyed reading my posts and finding out what I am saying. He has also been told about this thread and he appreciates everyones support. You guys are the best community a gal can have and I thank all of you for your insight and wisdom.

pixidustpet -> RE: Flash Back???? (8/2/2008 6:09:36 AM)
~fast reply~ i've a history of abuse. those landmines are always around, always waiting for me to trip them and suffer the memories slapping me about the brain and emotions. i've been VERY fortunate in Daddy, in TheEngineer, and in wolf, that they listened to me when i told them initially, and also recognised reacting from things past rather than from what is now. its getting me back to now which can be a difficulty. i'm glad for those of you who posted that your dominants have listened to the why and the reaction, and gotten you through it to the other side. [:)] kitten

windchymes -> RE: Flash Back???? (8/2/2008 6:30:39 AM)
There is so much we don't know or understand about the human brain.....this is just my own theory, but perhaps the brain "releases" those flashbacks at a time when it knows that we now feel safe and secure enough to deal with them? Also, I wasn't going to mention it, but since someone brought up past-life experiences.....about 20 years ago, I went to a seminar about past-life experience. They did a hypnosis/regression, and it triggered a memory of some kind that was so upsetting for me that they ended the session quickly to bring me out of it. Basically, I was approximately 6 years old, we were all dressed in late 1800's period clothing (I think....high button shoes, large hats, men in long jackets) and my parents were leaving me with someone while they went on a trip. Somehow I knew they were never going to come back and I became extremely distressed....not the child, though, I knew that was me, but I knew they were not coming back like I seeing the picture as a third party from the outside, but I knew I was about to become an orphan. It was such an extreme emotional and terrified feeling. I haven't persued the past life thing ever since, lol.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Flash Back???? (8/2/2008 6:38:02 AM)
quote: There is so much we don't know or understand about the human brain.....this is just my own theory, but perhaps the brain "releases" those flashbacks at a time when it knows that we now feel safe and secure enough to deal with them? I think there is some truth to that as well as we tend to unconsciously avoid putting ourselves in those situations but in doing BDSM we tend to go to "bad" places on purpose and BAM...we set a hidden emotional landmine off. Which brings me to something I had wanted to add to this thread. SOMETIMES people go through this experience and either the submissive blames the dominant or the dominant gets defensive. Neither reaction is correct nor healthy, it isn't any one's fault, the point is to ensure that you have the situation windchimes spoke of, a loving nurturing place where BOTH of you work through it so that you can move to a better place.

kiwisub12 -> RE: Flash Back???? (8/2/2008 7:05:03 AM)
Several times during our play, i have had overly emotional reactions to what was going on, completely out of proportion to what was happening. My Sir has always stopped the scene and nurtured (and i use the work very deliberately) me past the emotion. For the most part, there isn't anything specific that comes to mind, but the fact that with most of these times, i am restrained and being physically hit makes a strong case that it refers to my childhood. There is usually an element of humiliation involved as well. Interestingly enough, once i have had a reation to a particular activity, it hasn't ever happened again. Its as if it has worked its way out of my system and healed. As for the suggestion that these episodes are because i am mentally healthy enough to process them - i would agree wholeheartedly (even if i have some friends who might disagree! grins). I think it is a tribute to my Sir that we can connect on such a deep level that i am safe enough to let this stuff out into the light of day. No wonder i love the man!

kallisto -> RE: Flash Back???? (8/2/2008 7:12:21 AM)
I've had a few flashbacks as well. I grew up with emotional, mental and physical abuse. I had someone one time ask me if I thought that was I why I was "the way I am" (talking about being a sub, into BDSM, etc.). I answered with a resounding no. As we all know, abuse is abuse, plain and simple. I read Leatherist's thread "Trapped", and know that I could never be put in a place like that. I've been "trapped" before, but at the hands of an abuser, with anger, neglect, malice. But being able to see others' points of views and knowing that done by a caring Dom, it can be highly erotic, satisfying, and just what was wanted and needed. (Not picking on his thread, just something I could relate to). I think sometimes having the "flashbacks" for some allows for healing and understanding and being able to move forward. As luciouslips said, it has allowed her and her Dom to become closer. It allows for you to deal with what's going on. Being afraid of it, not wanting to talk to about it, or closing yourself off from your partner, I think, only allows for disconnect or misunderstandings.

lusciouslips19 -> RE: Flash Back???? (8/2/2008 7:14:40 AM)
In this new relationship of mine there is a level of emotional connectedness that has been absent in other partners. Others were for kink and play and even friendship. here however is real caring, real direction and real nurturing. because of this I do believe that there is a level of vulnerability in me that was not present in the past. Perhaps in the past I was playing at being submissive whereas now i actually am submissive. so yes i am more vulnerable, more trusting and more open and perhaps safer to feel these things and go there.

KnightofMists -> RE: Flash Back???? (8/2/2008 10:35:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: windchymes There is so much we don't know or understand about the human brain.....this is just my own theory, but perhaps the brain "releases" those flashbacks at a time when it knows that we now feel safe and secure enough to deal with them? I agree with with Michael.. that there might be some truth in this... for some people anyways.... In a healthy nuturing relationship... when these flashbacks do occur.. they don't have to be destructive reactions tht Michael spoke of. For me.. it really is a mindset approach. Instead of seeing them as negative issues... see them as postive opportunities. Lusciouslips... I can't say that I have any specific steps that can just be applied to anyone. In alot of ways.. you and your Sir need to design your own steps that suit your unique situation. However, In a general sense I can give you some idea of my objectives. First... Mindset... look at the issue from a different perspective. It's an opportunity instead of taboo. Just looking at it differently helps in my view. Consider how this issue has strength the bond between the two of you and not that it is dividing you. Don't put the issue between you. Just his reaction seem to have made you feel better... focus on that positive reality that is in the Now and not the Past. Second... it is difficult not to feel worry concern or to use your word trepidation with taking the steps that will challenge this past issue. But remember.. those concerns are really tied to the past and not the present. Would you have those concernes if you never had the flashback? More likely would be excited and wanting more... very much in present!.. So as you take the steps on testing ... focus on the now... all those doubts trepidation remind yourself they are the past. In alot of ways.. you are rewiring your feeling to a specific behavior. But.. like driving down a rut filled road... you will tend to drive in the ruts that are there and not to is actually rather difficult. But it can be done... it just takes more focus and awareness of what is occuring now. Your Sir can help by help you stay in the present... one of the things I do.. Is as I am pushing the button... I am asking her where she is... who owns her things like that... it is not really important that she answers.. it is more important that she is mentally focusing on the now and not letting the past react for her. Third... some it seems you already understand... get at the root of what is the button... what specific actions start to trigger these emotions. Understanding the button so to speak is critical for both of you to deal with it. But understanding it doesn't mean you both should be afraid of it. Fourth... start to fanatize positively about your Sir doing these things.. build on them little by little. Go back to when you had the flash back.. instead of the flash back... occuring.. what would occur instead. What would your desires and lust lead you to. don't try to go for the big fantasy.. and don't fall into a trap of feeling bad for what didn't occur do to the flash back.......... the guilt etc is not going to fix the issue... if anything it will hinder you. Bottom line........ you have nothing to feel guilty or sorry about...... and neither does your Sir. anyways.... that is just few things off the top of my head.... hope it helps.

lusciouslips19 -> RE: Flash Back???? (8/2/2008 12:22:48 PM)
Thank you Knight. It really does help.

YourhandMyAss -> RE: Flash Back???? (8/3/2008 3:23:14 PM)
It wasn't a flash back and it wasn't what was being done, It was what was being said. because we were layin in bed talking about sports. and somehow his abusive dad got brought up an then he said to his dad his only worth was being a good swimmer, and an athelete. an then he said that if I'd been something very important or worth money to my parents I would of never been molested Because people will never w illingly endanger their meal ticket. I yelled at him. And then I cried and continued yelling that I would of been molested weather or not I was a prize bread winner or liked sports, none of it would of mattered. And that no I will not calm down he hit a very sore button implying that if I was good at sports an worth money as a child I'da never been molested. He said he was sorry I was so well adjusted most times he forgot that I'd been molested most my childhood. quote: ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19 How many others have had relived trauma due to something that was being done to you and how did you handle it?

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