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CreativeDominant -> RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. (8/4/2008 11:56:58 AM)
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ORIGINAL: softness
So what’s your damage? … and what has it done for you?
I grew up in a household that, up until I hit the age of 13, was in many ways, a representative household of the late 50s-early 60s. Some things that were different: when I was born (55), my father was working as a bus driver while attending classes to get an associate degree. Then he went into chiropractic college. My mother worked and always did. My father was the head of the household up until 68, when I was 13. On a day in that year, shortly after my birthday, he told my mother that, 20 years into the marriage, he'd had an affair. From then on, my life changed. My brother and I wound up living with two "functioning" alcoholics. There wasn't a day that went by without tension...sometimes escalating into out and out conflict... in the house and a feeling of insecurity within my brother and myself as to what was going to happen. The night of the day my brother graduated from high school, my mother tried to commit suicide for the second time (the first coming right after my father told her about the affair). What changes did this time in my life create in me? Well, I carry a restlessness within myself that I keep under control for the most part by involving myself more heavily in my work, my family, in those I care about. I went through my own little struggle with the bottle, never becoming an alcoholic but surely enjoying myself. Luckily for me, the fact that I got sick every time I got drunk and my own rationality (well, there went 30 bucks down the toilet) and my own ability to look at things harshly if need be (do you want to become what your parents have become?) have made me be a person who enjoys an occasional drink but when I want one, not when I need one. The insecurities about what was going to happen, the feeling of not having any control over it, have created a desire within me for control. My second marriage...the one where I played Alan Alda?...increased that need and brought out the latent dominant within me. The insecurity about whether or not I was loved anymore and whether or not Mom and Dad really loved each other has made me desirous of love, more willing to put up with the bullshit that goes with love sometimes and yet...paradoxically, perhaps...not always believing of that love, though that I continue to work on.
Because my parents set standards for me that they themselves failed to keep...I am big on the idea that what you set for others, you should really make an effort to abide by yourself. And one of those is the idea of being fair...the old Golden Rule, as it were: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. And yet...because of the many angles wrought in my life by my parents, by my experiences with vanilla and submissive women and by my patients, understanding that there are shades of gray and that almost nothing is black and white. This is what led to my rule of Patience and Understanding.
Because of the many arguments that took place...with tortuously circuitous routes of answering questions not asked, making statements without explanations, never resolving anything, I believe in communication that sticks to the topic and does not veer off.
Finally, because of the lack of guidance and nurturing, my brother and I more or less raised ourselves, nurturing and guiding each other as best as we could. That has led me to try to be a patient and nurturing dominant, whether things are right or wrong with a submissive I am interested in and yet still remain in control.
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There is always the assumption that we BDSMers must have something wrong with us to be this way … and I tend to agree … I still think some people are just plain kinky – I know I am! .. I also know that nature made me kinky, but my damage made me a slave. I don't believe this...if my second marriage had been O.K. in certain areas, I would have most likely stayed in it as the assertion of dominance was going O.K. though not without its problems. We still might have broken up but I doubt that it would have been because of the dominance.
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I grew up in an uber successful family environment. My damage never came from my family, it came because of it. Everyone else compared me to my super-intelligent brother, by stunning beautiful elder sister, and my wildly creative artistic middle sister. I was lacking. Not as clever, not as pretty, not as interesting … always “almost”. In my peer group I became the obvious victim, the target … and so years of violent relentless bullying made me into someone who is happiest in her own company, and perfectly able to self sustain. I grew up with a desperate desire to please the people I care about, and to get approval from them without them knowing I wanted it. My damage has made me into the girl who will happily choke on and get covered by her own vomit in order to hear “Good girl” after a blow job. My damage has me prepared to move halfway across the world to find someone who sees who I am and approves of me exactly as I am.
I embrace my damage, without it I would be some pampered princess of a submissive who wanted kinky things to happen on her terms and on her own agenda. That girl would be happy like that, but I wouldn’t have me any other way. I am proud of the woman my damage has made me.
Perhaps it is the cynic in me...another result of my early years, as noted...but I have yet to meet a submissive who, somewhere within themselves, wanted some control over terms and agenda. It varies, I grant you that, but I have not seen...other than here on the boards...one who did not.
I don't know that I embrace the damage or change but I recognize it for what it is. Some of the things that came about...the restlessness, deep-seated anger...have not been all that healthy. One of the reasons I sought out a therapist in the first place was to deal with anger issues. What he has done for me has been extremely beneficial but it took time. There are other things that I see in myself that I don't like and I work on those constantly while again, taking a harsh look at which ones are really all that important and which ones, though annoying, really are not. I don't want to become someone who is constantly striving for the "answer" just as I don't want to constantly seek out the "perfect" submissive. I am not perfect...why should she be? I just ask her to be able to look at herself and recognize her own imperfection and...yeah, I know I have said this before...be fair in her dealings with me and with others.
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