RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. (Full Version)

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WhisperSupremacy -> RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. (8/7/2008 11:40:40 AM)

For me, my childhood was very normal and grew up in a good family with absolutly no family problems.

Whether I have much "damage" or not is undetermined,....but if I had to grasp at straws as to the possible elements:...  in my younger years I definitly didn't have any friends.  Was mostly alone,...I shared no common interests with any of the kids my age when I went to school with and this carried on up to my high school years.  Never really had anyone to talk to or communicate with, because no one had anything in common with me.  It's probably not really a big deal,....but that's how I started becoming an anti-social person.

On top of that, I had the mentality of wanted to be the best, or wanting to be good at something,...but I never was.  I never excelled in anything, I felt pretty damn useless.  To this day, I have a shitty job, no goals, and very little accomplishments.  Yeah, I'm trying to change that,...please don't give me a lecture on that. I know already. 

I feel like my only damage stems from never being successful and being too anti-social.  To be honest, those 2 things really aren't that big a deal to me anymore.  I've come to accept who I am, and I like who I am.  I don't even know if any of this ties into the possibility of why I found myself into kink so much, but if I had to guess, those would be the only possibilities for contributing factors.



daddysliloneds -> RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. (8/7/2008 12:14:18 PM)

life is what made me what i am today, certainly not damage. i could choose to play the professional victim card as an excuse and/or reason for why i am the way i am, or i could choose to be what i want to be; i chose the later.



Prinsexx -> RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. (8/7/2008 4:13:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

Am I damaged? I'm betting some folks would think so. The truth is, though, I am pretty much not damaged. I am just plain twisted, and I'm pretty sure that I was born that way.

[.....}

I've been to doctors. It was part of my required training in pastoral care to spend a year in therapy. My doctor was a hoot. She said I was the most well-adjusted flako perverted freak she'd ever had the pleasure of knowing. Yes... I'm weird and my life has been -really- -really- hard, but damaged? -- nah, just high-mileage.

Calla Firestorm


i so enjoyed reading about you.
prin x



nwcutie102 -> RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. (8/7/2008 4:28:58 PM)

Prinsexx, i am so sorry for your childhood. you are a brave lady. eva



missturbation -> RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. (8/7/2008 5:53:15 PM)

quote:

I still think some people are just plain kinky – I know I am! .. I also know that nature made me kinky, but my damage made me a slave.


I'd tend to agree with this except i would replace the word kinky with submissive. I truly don't believe i'm kinky, i really think i'm normal. I'm just me.
 
quote:

So .. can you find your own “damage” (or if you prefer another word … your own “change”) that has helped to make you what you are today?


I think i can pin point a few things.
I was born to a single young mother who had had an affair with a married man. Back in 1973 this wasn't unheard of but it was frowned upon. My mother was made to give me up for adoption, i know these facts from my adoption papers.
My parents (adoptive) told me about my adoption when i was four years old. I don't remember them doing this, to me it has felt like i have always known. Years later they would show me the papers and i would feel a brief moment of pity for my natural mother.
Part of the damage here would have to be my fear of abandonment, i've never really learnt to deal with that. I'm getting better though, the safety of being 'owned'. The other side of it is that i wasn't wanted by my natural parents. Again being 'owned' makes me feel wanted, needed.
My adoptive parents are fantastic and i had a really good childhood until i was around 13 and i started to go off the rails. I did some really bad stuff, some really thoughtless stuff and the result of that was me being in constant trouble with the folks. It made me feel i wasn't good enough, couldn't measure up to my older brother. My life as a slave makes me feel wanted, needed again. My life as a slave makes me feel i am pleasing and worth something to someone.
Like Soft i will happily lie on the floor a bleeding, snivelling, snotty, come stained mess to hear the words 'good girl'. I preen when he calls me a 'freak' because that is what i am and he accepts and even loves that about me.
Would i have been happy as a submissive without the damage? Yes possibly!
But i know for a fact i am happier with the damage and what i have gained from it. I have a wonderful set of parents, wouldn't have had them without my natural mother giving me up. I have a great career, i may not have striven for that hard if i had not felt i had something to live up to in my parents eyes. I have some wonderful relationships, i may not have got to live to the highs and lows and experiences i have without my damage.
Again like Soft, i am proud of my damage and the person it has made me.
 
 






slaveluci -> RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. (8/7/2008 7:30:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: softness
I embrace my damage, without it I would be some pampered princess of a submissive who wanted kinky things to happen on her terms and on her own agenda.

Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course.  It may not be your bag but for some it works.  Just as you tend to clump "girlfriends" and "wives" together as behaving in ways you don't, I see a common thread in your posts lately about so-called "pampered princesses" who can get their "Daddy's" to do as they please.  Just because you like to think of yourself as a "piece of meat" (your term), doesn't mean that everyone who doesn't have that dynamic is somehow not as intense.

I know you didn't specifically say that, esp. in this post, but this above sentence just once again smacked of the same undertone I've read from you alot lately.  I'm not a pampered princess either but for those who are, go for it girls.  We don't all see ourselves as "meat."[8|]  Not that there's anything wrong with that................luci



Maxwell67 -> RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. (8/7/2008 7:50:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

quote:

ORIGINAL: softness
I embrace my damage, without it I would be some pampered princess of a submissive who wanted kinky things to happen on her terms and on her own agenda.

Just because you like to think of yourself as a "piece of meat" (your term), doesn't mean that everyone who doesn't have that dynamic is somehow not as intense.

Yes, yes of course we are all intense hardcore BDSMers but can we please all agree not to whip out our cocks and the measuring tape right now?  Otherwise we will miss the elections.... er.. olympics... er no, elections. 



KnightofMists -> RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. (8/7/2008 8:16:06 PM)

soooooo.. what is damage?  How do you define that a  person is damaged exactly.... or how do you define a person is undamaged?

I personally think we might all have flaws or things of our selves that we wish we didn't have or we are better at doing than we are.... does this make us damaged?

Or is Damaged some negative external influence or effect upon us that has made us less than we once were?  Which i don't thing is always the case... infact.. some excel beyond what they once where because of a negative external influence.




slvemike4u -> RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. (8/7/2008 8:38:56 PM)

Definitely damaged,and in my mind at least ,it has colored my kink but repairs have been made currently involved in making more.I have had to learn to deal with the belief that childhood abuse has contributed to what I as an adult enjoy,and for a while at least I withdrew from my "kinks" but in the end I have decided I will not give my abuser that level of control...



PDXBRAT -> RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. (8/7/2008 11:07:00 PM)

So . . . I've read this whole thread . . . and I almost never post here . . . but I just can't help but wonder why, Softness, you think people in the lifestyle are any more "damaged" than vanilla people.  Or why you think people "on the outside" see us as "damaged".   I can't say that I know a single person intimately who hasn't experienced some kind of emotional trauma.  Isn't that just life?  Doesn't everyone experience things that change them?  As far as the perception from vanilla folks that kinky folks are damaged, my experience just doesn't bear that out.  The vast majority of my friends are non-kinksters, and they mostly know about this side of me, and I've talked to lots of people about BDSM stuff without letting them know it was my particular thing; I haven't found that people generally held any assumptions like you describe.  If anything, the reactions I have seen from vanilla people has been that they were intrigued, and often that they wished they felt comfortable enough with their sexuality to be daring.  I'm just wondering how you are making the connection between emotional trauma, and BDSM?



shanaya -> RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. (8/7/2008 11:35:24 PM)

i have found this thread to be fascinating, i was as young as seven years old, when i remember holding a fascination if i saw a woman being spanked on the TV, lol. my fantasies have always been Ds wise, i married twice and divorced, both were vanilla relationships. It wasn't until i was 40 years old did i discover that Ds existed not only in my head but in the real world. Was i damaged emotionally, well not at 7 yrs old, but by 40 years old i was, having spent my whole ADULT life being pyhsically and emotionally abused.

So for me Ds didn't come about from the abuse, it remained with me in spite of it. To find out it existed as a lifestyle was exciting to say the least. i do however believe for me personally, by looking for what would fulfill me, which was a Ds Relationship i went around it the wrong way, i found myself with men/boys who displayed "Alpha" male characteristics which initially attracted me, only to find they were Domineering not Dominant. i do believe if i had known the lifestyle existed when i was 20 years old, i would have not suffered the abuse i did.

There are many people who are vanilla that have suffered a lot of abuse, i know because i was one of them.  i did not however turn to Ds because of my abuse, i turned to it because i as a submissive and i would have turned to it at a much younger age if i knew it existed in the Real world much sooner. i will however add i feel my submissive nature for me, has at times made me more vunerable to abuse, not the lifestyle , just my thoughts :)

~shanaya~



submisty323 -> RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. (8/7/2008 11:39:03 PM)

Thank you softness for sharing.  I truly enjoyed your honesty and thoughts.  I agree with you that it is damage that makes us who we are, whether it is in the BDSM world or outside of it.  I like my damage, I embrace it and am thankful for it, and I find that only in BDSM can I truly be free of it...can I truly let go of it and be myself with nothing to hide and to me it is empowering...it is like taking back all the energy that all the damage took from me and having the power and will to take it and give it totally to someone else...I am giving up my mind, my body, but I am choosing to do so...I still don't really understand it, but it is a wonderfully liberating feeling....I would almost say almost undoing the damage.



porcelain26 -> RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. (8/7/2008 11:40:50 PM)

I have no childhood trauma; no deep, dark secret that is the 'cause' of me being submissive. I grew up very loved and very supported; I have always been very close to my family. I was born this way. To say that some sort of 'damage' or even some kind of 'change' made me a submissive, is the same as trying to tell someone who's gay that they are gay because they didn't have a father/mother, or because they were molested, etc. It just doesn't work that way for me.

Absolutely I've had my ups and downs, my disappointments and heartaches, but the neverending constant in my life that helps keep me grounded and sane, is the fact that I am unflinchingly submissive. It is the most basic foundation of my personality upon which all else has been built. I'm not saying this is true for everyone by any means, it's simply true for me. Have my experiences shaped the person I am today? Of course they have, no one goes through life without it altering you in some way. But my life didn't make me submissive; my submission, however, has without a doubt, altered the way I've experienced life.



TNstepsout -> RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. (8/8/2008 5:34:02 AM)

Embracing the damage? Yes, that's something I try to do because I know that's what makes me who I am.

At a very young age, my mothers brother was murdered by the estranged husband of a friend of his. The gunman entered a dinner party he was attending and killed everyone there except one women who survived. Four years later my mother mother passed away suddenly from a ruptured colon. I and my three cousins had all been spending the summer vacation with my grandmother when she got sick. I was 10 years old. I was also an only child and I spent a lot of time alone.

These losses changed my family a lot. My mother started working to keep her mind on other things and when she was home was distant and depressed. My emotional well being was left to me to deal with. I became obsessed with spiritual matters. I attended church with various friends looking for the answers to why people die and what happens to them when they are gone and why God let's bad things happen and what the meaning of it all is anyway when it hurts so much. I guess this started a lifelong journey to self-discovery and a fascination with figuring out what makes people tick. I wanted to figure it out so I could help. I didn't want people to feel as awful as I did. I wanted to make the people around me feel better, including my Mom. I wanted to fix and rescue them.

I tried a lot of different things and followed a number of interesting paths. Some of them embarrassing to admit to now. But even so, that's part of me too. I had to talk to crystals to figure out that wasn't the path to enlightenment. I also had to fix and rescue to figure out that doesn't work either.



AllietheKitten -> RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. (8/8/2008 11:26:29 AM)

I don't want to embrace my damage. I want to fight against it, move past it, overcome it.

I think that everyone is damaged. Are my experiences as extreme as some here? No (and I really don't want to get into a pissing contest about who was abused more). But I know that they shaped me into who I am and I *love* who I am. I really don't see myself as damaged. As see myself as a fighter, a survivor, a brave warrior.

As far as the kink is concerned- I do suspect that my religiously oppressive childhood may have held back my natural inclination towards BDSM until I was in my mid-20's. But I think it was always there, waiting to come out. The "damage" didn't cause it--I think it just repressed it.



subtee -> RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. (8/8/2008 12:36:23 PM)

~FR

I just looked at my c-section scar and gave it a little hug...



kiwisub12 -> RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. (8/8/2008 4:57:33 PM)

Damage, adversity - what ever you want to call it - occurs to us all.
My life experiences shaped who i am, and pushed me in my life and decisions.

After 3 years of therapy, i embrace who i am, and who i was - and still love my parents. Learning about myself and why i do or make the decisions i make can only strengthen me.  And yes, my damage made me who i am , and comfortable in the life i am living. I look at my Sir and the control he exerts and intellectually know that i am sexualizing the control that my parents had over me as a child. And i love my life.

Actually, my shrink, after i finished therapy, told me that the reason i went through the process so fast was probably because i was a submissive - every time he gave me an assignment, i went out and did it right away - not waiting months or years.  I was a good little subbie[:D] .

before therapy i hooked up with a man who had dominant traits, but was abusive with it. We were very vanilla, and so he had to hide his tendencies from himself. It made for a very miserable life for all concerned.  I thought i had a very happy childhood until therapy where i saw how my parents contributed to my codependency. Its amazing how kids can remake themselves to please a parent. I reenacted my parents marriage with my own - and it so didn't work.

It took therapy to show me what i was doing and why i chose the men i did. Until i acknowledge what i was doing i couldn't change.
This is a somewhat disjointed post - sorry, my bad.[:)]



NumberSix -> RE: Facing your own damage ... and embracing it. (8/8/2008 5:06:08 PM)

So, I was on a court break from slappin' the dogshit outta this bitch, takin'  a wizz at one of them old waist to floor urinals, wearin'  a suit and all, well, you know how it is, there were them drops I dint want running all up and down my leg when I stood up to say 'Nicht Gultig'.  So, I banged the fucking thing on the edge of the urnal to dry it off and it cracked the urinal........

the guy next to me did this shivvery thing and made that sorta hot breath 'hh-hh-aaaaaaah'.

well, I dint do nothing right then and there, 'cause it was the baliff, but I got a glimmer that maybe the freak was sheik and where I should be.

6



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