Sex and self worth

Sex and self worth (Full Version)

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twistedEuphoria -> Sex and self worth (8/7/2008 12:03:53 PM)
"I've been thinking a great deal about sexuality and how that can tie into a sense of self-worth. For me, the two are very strongly linked. The more I feel that someone wants me, in a sexual way, the more confident I feel, the more secure I am, with myself, in general. I want to be desired. That is not to say I am a tease (I think my career choice is proof enough of that), by any means. I enjoy what I do and take immense pride in the fact that I am able, and quite skilled, at giving other people pleasure. I value myself more because I have this sort of talent.I am very certain that my status as " a good lay" is one of the main reasons most people do as well (the fact being that most of the company I keep is male and in a professional capacity) I've had several friends tell me that this sort of sexual objectification isn't good for me, that it isn't healthy. I suppose in a way this is true. I take rejection hard. If a person does not desire me, even if I do not want them, I drive myself crazy, asking why and pondering how I can make myself more attractive to them. I have to wonder, though, is this such an odd thing for a women? Girls (and boys) you tell me." Kat posted this earlier today on her blog and asked my opinion on it. I thought it was brilliant and wanted to share it with the rest of you. I was interested in seeing people's thoughts and opinions. The one question I have for everyone is, if you look at your self and are honest, is part of your self worth based on people wanting you (in a sexual manner)?

daddysliloneds -> RE: Sex and self worth (8/7/2008 12:09:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: twistedEuphoria The one question I have for everyone is, if you look at your self and are honest, is part of your self worth based on people wanting you (in a sexual manner)? absolutely not!

leadership527 -> RE: Sex and self worth (8/7/2008 12:10:17 PM)
Heh... gosh... Honestly I don't really see how anyone could say anything but "yes". Really, when you get down to it, isn't the mating urge pretty much the MOST fundamental aspect of any organism, us included? How could it be anything other than important? Now insert mandatory disclaimer that really shouldn't need to be said every time... Among a population of 6 billion people, there will always be someone, somewhere who doesn't fit pretty much any such generalization. Insofar as the blog post, I don't see what's "unhealthy" about having "I'm an attractive selection in the mating ritual" as a piece of someone's self worth. Like most such things, this only becomes unhealthy when it overbalances what should be a complicated equation. If that is the predominant or only thing that drives someone's self image, then it's unhealthy.

NeedingMore220 -> RE: Sex and self worth (8/7/2008 12:58:49 PM)
I agree with leadership here ... my sexuality is a huge part of who I am, and I take pride in knowing myself and knowing how to please a partner, (or the very least being willing to learn!) My self worth is tied up in a lot of things, my sexuality, my personality, my strengths and faults, my relationships ...

elleelisa -> RE: Sex and self worth (8/7/2008 12:59:05 PM)
YES. I have issues with it too. If I lived in a world with women (assuming I'd still be "straight") I wouldn't care how I look... it's all to impress men so that I can procreate. Biologically it's normal-- those who are more attractive can be more selective in finding a mate and have more of a chance to find one. With that said, a male friend told me the other day when I was obsessing about my looks, "Listen... you could have pretty much ANY man you wanted... why are you worrying so much about it?" And well, it's true. It doesn't take much to impress a man, and sadly a lot of men will be impressed and then move on, if you know what I mean. In France there is a term "belle laide" meaning literally "ugly beauty" and it refers to women who may not be classically beautiful but who attract all the men. There are tons of movies and literature based on this premise too: Man falls for less-desirable woman because of who she is, the aura she gives off, etc... Finally realize that a lot more goes into the mating/selection process that pure symmetry. There are also chemical things going on (your scent, etc) that you can't control and that can make it or break it. So try focusing on other things (your intellect, character, self-esteem) and people will be more attracted to you than if you changed the externals.

Asmodeus -> RE: Sex and self worth (8/7/2008 1:23:00 PM)
Maybe when I was a very young, but by the time I hit 30 I realized that the operative word in that phrase is "self" and requiring external validation was not only counter productive, it was a waste of time and energy that could better be focused elsewhere. And I do realize that this is more difficult for women due to our cultural imperatives.

Deliena -> RE: Sex and self worth (8/7/2008 2:14:57 PM)
My Master and i were only discussing this the other day, He finds it astounding that my self-worth is tied up in my ability to feel sexually attractive to another. He can't understand how this ability would ever be in doubt (! - bless Him) i on the other hand spend a good half of my day wondering if i look good to x/y/z random person, not because i wish to mate with them <evil grin> but because it makes me feel good to know they might want to and i could say no, Perhaps it's the last bit of power i (as an identified submissive in my relationship) have?

IrishMist -> RE: Sex and self worth (8/7/2008 2:21:08 PM)
Ok; I am going to be the odd ball here. No. I have never linked the two. If someone does not find me desirable; then the first thought that goes through my mind is ' your loss buddy'. I don't and have never relied on my so called sexual desirability to measure my own self worth. My confidence comes from knowing that I have lived my life well; that I have raised my youngin's well; and that my friends are still my friends even after 20 years. None of that can be built on sex or sexual desirability; it's build on character.

LaTigresse -> RE: Sex and self worth (8/7/2008 2:24:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: daddysliloneds quote: ORIGINAL: twistedEuphoria The one question I have for everyone is, if you look at your self and are honest, is part of your self worth based on people wanting you (in a sexual manner)? absolutely not! Same here. I know lots of people are going to think I am hot looking. There are also lots of people that won't. Neither one is my problem.

faerytattoodgirl -> RE: Sex and self worth (8/7/2008 2:30:00 PM)
quote: The one question I have for everyone is, if you look at your self and are honest, is part of your self worth based on people wanting you (in a sexual manner)? nope...since i cant have actual sex and never had.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Sex and self worth (8/7/2008 2:32:19 PM)
There is a vast difference between linking your self worth to sex and being proud of being a talented lover.

fluffyswitch -> RE: Sex and self worth (8/7/2008 2:35:09 PM)
unfortunately yes. i'm getting better about it, but i had the stereotypical high school experience of being called fat, fugly, and undesirable, and it still bothers me from time to time that He refers to other women as being more attractive (sexually) than me, or that i'll 'be so hot when i loose more weight', though that's more of an issue of what the hell are you still doing around then if you don't find me attractive now? (we've had some interesting conversations around that particular kettle of fish). it's a matter of conditioning that i'm slowly learning how to move out of. though at the same time i do echo the sentiment that it doesn't really matter, because if you think i'm really that unattractive you're not going to be allowed in my presence. at least if i have any say in the matter. if you can't handle me at a size 16 then it's all bets are off, you won't ever have to worry about it, bb. there are plenty of people who would have sex me if i was truly interested in the idea. it's just a matter of surrounding myself with the right people.

windchymes -> RE: Sex and self worth (8/7/2008 2:44:38 PM)
I don't think my self-worth has ever diminished at times in my life when there was no obvious sexual interest from the opposite sex. It's not "based" on that. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't kick up a couple notches when someone, especially one I'm interested in, too, does show interest.

DarkSteven -> RE: Sex and self worth (8/7/2008 6:23:48 PM)
This drives me crazy. When I have a submissive, I expect her to be attractive to me, and the hell with what anyone else thinks. But it never works like that... she will obsess over minute things that I never notice, and I'm never sure whose approval she's worrying about.

soul2share -> RE: Sex and self worth (8/7/2008 6:31:36 PM)
Sex has always been the last thing that I measure my self worth by. I am much more than that.....my personality, my background, my attitude about life.....that's far more important to me. I'm not perfect by today's physical standards, but I have never lacked sexual partners. Almost every one I've ever asked has always said it was my attitude, my self-assuredness, even my cockiness that drew them to me, not my physical self. Sex? Not that important to my self worth.....

Leatherist -> RE: Sex and self worth (8/7/2008 6:32:15 PM)
There's more to life than what comes out of the end of my dick.

cmatrix4761 -> RE: Sex and self worth (8/7/2008 6:39:12 PM)
In all honesty, and at the risk of being flamed, I don't think women are qualified to answer that question. For women, being wanted is a very different proposition than for men -- it's etched integrally into their psyche; if they've been wanted, even with fair frequency, it's been happening since a very young age. Anyone who answers that being wanted [sexually] isn't core to their self-worth has never went wanting for it. To really answer the question, there are only two paths: 1) Apply some form of cosmetic change to make yourself appear very unattractive, and stay that way for a significant period (say 6 months); or, 2) Live alone [away from any contact] for a significant period (say 6 months). Doing either of those two things will reveal something personal to you that you never would have realized. Of course, it could also cause serious psychiatric damage -- but such is usually the case of life-changing epiphanies.

gypsygrl -> RE: Sex and self worth (8/7/2008 6:41:44 PM)
quote: The one question I have for everyone is, if you look at your self and are honest, is part of your self worth based on people wanting you (in a sexual manner)? No. "People wanting me" has always been a difficult thing to deal with. A lot of attention--of any sort--makes me uncomfortable and I tend to dissociate from it. This is exacerbated with sexual attention. For a good part of my life, up until 6 or 7 years ago, I did pretty much everything I could to 'mask' my sexuality. Consequently, I had/have other ways of establishing self-worth.

mztresn0w -> RE: Sex and self worth (8/7/2008 6:50:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Asmodeus Maybe when I was a very young, but by the time I hit 30 I realized that the operative word in that phrase is "self" and requiring external validation was not only counter productive, it was a waste of time and energy that could better be focused elsewhere. I can only agree with you

natasha66 -> RE: Sex and self worth (8/7/2008 6:54:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Asmodeus Maybe when I was a very young, but by the time I hit 30 I realized that the operative word in that phrase is "self" and requiring external validation was not only counter productive, it was a waste of time and energy that could better be focused elsewhere. And I do realize that this is more difficult for women due to our cultural imperatives. Screw "cultural imperatives" lol. My sense of self worth is what it is today because I have done a hell of a lot of work on myself to improve it. I don't need others to make me feel worthy. And sex with any Tom, Dick or Harry is likely to make me feel "less than" so it's not even worth considering..... Just one person's opinion.....

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