leadership527
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Joined: 6/2/2008
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ORIGINAL: zumala
I know I've been around on CM for a few years, but my husband and I are still probably in the 'newbie' category as far as actual experience goes. We're committed to each other and we discuss ideas a lot, but there is a decided lack of doing in our relationship. It took us a while to figure out that we want him to dominate me rather than for us to submit to someone else as a submissive couple. Now that we know that much, we're not sure how to alter our relationship from 'close marriage as equals' to 'close marriage with hubby being dom'.
Does anyone have any suggestions for how to make this transition?
My wife and I just went through this in November. We'd been married for 11 years, together for 13. It is very definitely still a "work in progress". Here's a few of my stray thoughts along the path.
- I didn't want to replace my wife with a slave. I wanted her to have a new role in our relationship without abandoning the old one. She already had a wide variety of roles in regards me... I saw this is just one more. In that way, if things weren't going well at some point, there was an easy exit strategy (either temporary or permanent as the case may indicate).
- I didn't want to torpedo our [very good] marriage. With a lot on the line, it was important to me to have safety nets and exit strategies. I was therefor quite careful about spelling out the boundaries of obedience with her... notably when she should not obey me.
- Ritual is good. Especially, I think, for a couple in transition. We have some very small rituals in our house. There's a small collaring ritual when she comes home from work. She tends to sit at my foot rather than on the couch. I'll typically have her leashed even if we're both sitting on the couch watching a movie, going nowhere. The ritual helps to remind us of the decision we've made.
- It's a partnership. Look, in the end, an assymetric authority arrangement is as common as dirt. I have yet to see a marriage where the two partners are actually fully equal in authority. There are always personality differences which impact what might've been a theoreticaly even split. So don't get lost in all the "woohoo, aren't I all dark and edgy and kinky" stuff. He can be your master and you his slave and still be full on partners. The only thing defined by a D/s or M/s dynamic is how the actual decisions get made. Everything else is just window dressing and should be adjusted to taste. In corporate terms, the move you are making is changing the decision making process of your marriage from a concensus process to a consultative one. That's it. Anything else you choose to do is not mandated by the D/s relationship, it's driven by something else.
- It's lonely at the top. It's an old cliche and just as true in this situation as any other. While it is true that it is a partnership, it is also true that the buck stops on his desk and sometimes, that means he's going to just cope with something himself rather than share it with you. Obviously, due to the tight nature of the team in question, this doesn't come up nearly as often as it might in a corporate or military environment, but it does happen and he should be prepared for it.
- It can suck hard being the dom. This is advice to you, the sub. Remember that it's not all fun and blowjobs being the dom. Punishing the woman you love is... well... less than pleasant for me at least. So are various other aspects. Don't forget that his job is hard too and it's YOUR job to support him when he is faltering -- the truest kind of service I can think of.
Other than that, it's all about him leading and you following. All the normal elements of good leadership apply... develop a vision... make sure the vision includes all it's constituents (you in this case). Sell the vision to all involved (you in this case), revising as necessary until buy-in occurs. Start moving. I spent quite a bit of time thinking what exactly I wanted to DO with a slave now that I had one. For me, this came down to a few categories: her self-actualization, my self-actualization, our various physical and emotional health issues, her ability to be a good partner for me, my ability to be a good partner for her, small relationship friction things. I built a list of all that (obviously, an ever-evolving work in progress), prioritized, then started out. Something that may help your husband... remember that being a dom is just another word for leader, just in this case, in the marriage as opposed to elsewhere. Any leadership training (corporate management training for instance) that he has had is absolutely apropos. Personally, some of the best dom advice I've read came from Colin Powell. Another point that might help the both of you... There are exactly and only two things required to be a leader:
a) You need to have somewhere to go. You cannot lead other people if you're standing still. That just ends up with a bunch of people milling about aimlessly wondering who's in charge.
b) You need to get other people to follow you. Once the leader has set out towards his goal, then if he can convince others to follow along, by definition, he is a leader. The good news in your case is that (b) is sort of automatically handled because you've agreed to submit. Of course, if his vision and leadership don't continue to inspire you, then predictably you are going to reconsider your decision to submit at some point.
OK, so there's my random barrel full of thougths... I hope something in that whole mess was maybe helpful.
~Jeff
_____________________________
~Jeff
I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael
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