Lost in the dark and need help....

Join Our Community

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

Lost in the dark and need help....

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Lost in the dark and need help....

Page: [1]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Lost in the dark and need help.... - 8/24/2008 3:35:23 PM

Posts: 4
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

I am very new to this lifestyle, and trying to settle things in my mind... so, here's my question to all you on this site...

When discussing things with a potential Dom, can you please tell me, or provide examples of things to ask them?

I feel lost...
THanks!

RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... - 8/24/2008 3:47:24 PM

Posts: 1821
Status: offline

Consider it no different than getting to know a guy who isn't a dominant. It is afterall, a relationship.

Talk to each other about your lives, your interests, etc....... not just BDSM related stuff.

You really should take the stuff out of your profile about being new and inexperienced because the sharks will jump on it and you won't know which way is up.

Focus on your basic interests in life, hobbies, etc....

And LuckyAlbatross will likely be along to tell you this, but I'm gonna try and beat her to the punch

.... don't make a committment to someone right away. It's easy to get caught up in the warm fuzzies, and hot steamies when you're suddenly presented with a guy who ~seems~ to know what buttons to push.

Take your time and don't get pressured into doing something you're not ready for.

And check to see if there's a local BDSM group in your area. You can meet folks that way too.

Good luck!

< Message edited by BRNaughtyAngel -- 8/24/2008 3:48:02 PM >

(in reply to gowildsafely)

RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... - 8/24/2008 3:58:18 PM

Posts: 4
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

Thank you :)

(in reply to gowildsafely)

RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... - 8/24/2008 4:05:23 PM

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline

You are 30 years old. If you use the same common sense that allowed you to live this long, you will be ok.

Be who you are and follow your instincts

Jeff

(in reply to gowildsafely)

RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... - 8/24/2008 4:21:54 PM

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

All depends on what your looking for.
If all you want is sensation, then ask questions that reflect that.
If your in search of a long term relationship, then think of practical things first, then the kink.

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to Jeffff)

RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... - 8/24/2008 4:36:38 PM

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline

I agree, it kink comes after milk, eggs and cheese..:)

Jeff

(in reply to Quivver)

RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... - 8/24/2008 5:20:33 PM

Posts: 4
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

Well, I wasn't trying to play the "dumb" card or anything. I realize I need to use my common sense, but I've also learned that there are different beliefs, and styles and so I was hoping for some guidance.

(in reply to Jeffff)

RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... - 8/24/2008 5:31:37 PM

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

Plenty of people act really dumb when it comes to this stuff though, even if they are supposedly smart. Just pretend hawtt kinky sex isn't part of the deal, and ask yourself what you would do in that situation. 99% of the time that's what you should be doing.

People are still people.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to gowildsafely)

RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... - 8/24/2008 5:47:27 PM

Posts: 5159
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gowildsafely

When discussing things with a potential Dom, can you please tell me, or provide examples of things to ask them?

What questions you ask depend on what type of relationship you are both seeking. If you are looking for a play partner then you should discuss limits, whether there will be a safeword, preferred types of play. If you are looking for a LTR then you need to ask about his family, hobbies, work, types of movies enjoyed...all the things you'd want to know about a vanilla partner...with the kinkier stuff being asked if you are a match in the every day type way.

(in reply to gowildsafely)

RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... - 8/24/2008 5:48:57 PM

Posts: 287
Joined: 4/13/2008
Status: offline

If you start to get to know a Dom and there's interest there after you both get to know of each other in a general, every day sense, then discuss limits. Some people have what they call 'no limits' and might want more from you in a kink sense than you are ready, willing, or even interested in giving. Talk about what you enjoy, what you're looking for. It is like any other relationship like others have said already but if you're looking for a match in a setting like CM then there are other aspects that will most likely get brought up in the conversations. I don't think I ever met a guy in a vanilla setting who started off a conversation listing what kind of things they liked sexually or what they expected from me, but I have had plenty of Doms do that! Decide what it is that you want as far as poly household, strictly play, a relationship, what kind of relationship, etc etc, then just talk to the Dom about it. Most will tell you 'yes, I want that too' or 'not what I'm looking for'. I'm sure you wouldn't want to get to know a Dom, arrange to meet, only to find out that He expected you to submit on the first meeting and service Him and join His family of girls when you were looking for a one-on-one relationship with no immediate play.

_____________________________

Never make some one a priority when all you are to them is an option.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... - 8/24/2008 6:04:00 PM

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

I always get to know a Dominant the same way I do anyone else---Just through conversation. In doing so, I find that most of the things I want to know about the person come out pretty easily, and I can see if we have the same ideas about Ds.

There's only one question to which the answer can be an immediate dealbreaker for me, so I get that out on the table right away; I ask if he considers himself a sadist. If he says No, then I'm gone. But that's because it's important to me to be with a sadistic Dominant. If you have certain base criteria that you are looking for, that would be a good place to start with some questions.

_____________________________

marie.

I give good agita.

(in reply to gowildsafely)

RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... - 8/24/2008 6:28:47 PM

Posts: 2179
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline

figure out what you want. be honest with yourself. be honest with others. getting out in your BDSM community is a real eye opener, at least you will be face to face. it is difficult in the beginning to know what style of dominance that you will respond to, but you should know if a poly Dominant would be a good fit for you.

may we all find our bliss.

_____________________________

may we all find our bliss

Resident VWB

We all die.
The goal isn't to live forever.
The goal is to create something that will.

(in reply to gowildsafely)

RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... - 8/25/2008 12:35:22 PM

maat

Posts: 62
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

First of all figur out as much about yourself, your likes, dislikes so you know were your coming from. Get to know the person, talk about everything. Like others have said, not just about the kink or BBSM. Talk about limits, points of views on different things. Do you have deal breakers? Things that you absolutly cant or whont stand for, then ask about those things. Talk about expectations, whants, needs, desiers, fantasys, long term plans. Life plans. work, art. Well, you get the pictur. Get to know yourself first, then the person that your interested in.

If your going to trust him with yourself then make shure its someone that can handel that trust.

(in reply to everhope)

RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... - 8/25/2008 3:05:02 PM

Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline

Ask him the things you want answers about. What do you want to know?

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert

This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi

(in reply to gowildsafely)

RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... - 8/25/2008 3:31:08 PM

Sandyshores29718

Posts: 343
Joined: 4/8/2008
Status: offline

*fast reply*

Ask the Dom anything you want to know. If there are some really important things you feel you need to know, then ask. Treat it as the same as any person you would be entering a relationship with. Only thing now is this person you might be trusting your life with in the future.

(in reply to thishereboi)

RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... - 8/25/2008 8:15:13 PM

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gowildsafely

I've also learned that there are different beliefs, and styles and so I was hoping for some guidance.

Ask him for his take on things that you know about, vanilla things. Does he know about them? If not, does he fake it, tell you what little he knows, or ask you what you think?

Does he seem interested in a connection or focus only on play?

Does he describe a wide variety of exotic play toys?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to gowildsafely)

RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... - 8/25/2008 9:56:08 PM

Posts: 101
Joined: 8/8/2008
Status: offline

Natually, i don't know exactly what you want, but here's what i ask them.
What form of BDSM are you into? Old Guard? Old School? New School? Gorian? Goth? Leather? Are you bi? Are you a sadist or a sensualist? Are you into D/s or M/s or just kinky sex? Do you prefer bedroom bondage or mummification? What are your fetishes? What are your turn-offs? What are your turn-ons? What toys do you always carry? What is your favorite toy? Do you prefer public play in formal dungeons or private play with a few friends or to just meet at a motel? Would you mind if we used velcro cuffs? Do you have your own dungeon? Are you married? What does your spouse think of this? Do you practice safe sex? What health problems do you have? How big is your ... well, never mind that one ;)
The rest of the info i need generally flows from these questions. You see, i could never do a pure Gorian Lifestyle, so that would be an automatic no for me. Hope this helps. Best of luck to you.
sm

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... - 8/26/2008 4:35:18 PM

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

From your profile, it looks like you don't know what you want. What a great place to be! But be careful. Sub frenzy can be strong and powerful (where you just want to have a Dom TAKE you)... That's why the warning about not getting involved too quickly. Spend some time getting to know a lot of people - including women. Meet face to face at group functions. And always ask yourself - what is that person's motivation? What does that person want from me? It will show you a lot.

Welcome, fasten your safety belt, and enjoy the ride,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to sistermargaret)

RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... - 8/28/2008 11:04:30 AM

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gowildsafely

I am very new to this lifestyle, and trying to settle things in my mind... so, here's my question to all you on this site...

When discussing things with a potential Dom, can you please tell me, or provide examples of things to ask them?

I feel lost...
THanks!

gowoild,

asimple but complete answer to the question "what do they expect from thier submissive.

CP

(in reply to gowildsafely)

RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... - 8/30/2008 2:01:22 PM

Posts: 1073
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gowildsafely

but I've also learned that there are different beliefs, and styles and so I was hoping for some guidance.

Don't just adopt another persons beliefs and styles, find your own.
Find several different subs, on CM if you wish, who are willing to share with you, and pick there brains part.
Read some of the great books mentioned on other threads.
Know yourself, develope yourself.

I know many subs go to doms for mentoring, but I also believe subs can and will mentor subs if willing.

(in reply to gowildsafely)

Page: [1]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Lost in the dark and need help....

Page: [1]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2024

Terms of Service

0.105