MadameDahlia
Posts: 2021
Joined: 8/11/2004
From: SoCal aka Hell
Status: offline
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FROM: Army of Darkness:
Evil Sheila: You found me beautiful once.
Ashley J. 'Ash' Williams: Honey, you got real ugly.
----
Demon Woman: I'll swallow your soul!
Ashley J. 'Ash' Williams: Come get some.
---
Ashley J. 'Ash' Williams: Alright you primitive screw-heads, listen up. See this? This is my boomstick! It's a 12-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan; retails for about one hundred nine, ninety-five. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right, shop smart, shop S-Mart!
FROM: Spaceballs
Dark Helmet: What the Hell am I looking at?! When does this happen in the movie?!
Col. Sandurz: Now! You're looking at "now," sir. Everything that happens now is happening "now."
Dark Helmet: What happened to "then?"
Col. Sandurz: We passed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Col. Sandurz: Just now. We're at now "now."
Dark Helmet: Go back to "then."
Col. Sandurz: When?
Dark Helmet: Now.
Col. Sandurz: Now?!
Dark Helmet: Now!
Col. Sandurz: I can't.
Dark Helmet: Why?
Col. Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Col. Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: When will "then" be "now?"
Col. Sandurz: Soon.
Dark Helmet: How soon?
Spaceball: Sir!
Dark Helmet: What?
Spaceball: We've identified their location.
Dark Helmet: Where?
Spaceball: It's the moon of Vega.
Col. Sandurz: Good work. Set a course and prepare for our arrival.
Dark Helmet: When?
Spaceball: Nineteen-hundred hours.
Col. Sandurz: By high noon tomorrow they will be our prisoners.
Dark Helmet: Who?!
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Col. Sandurz: Prepare ship for light speed!
Dark Helmet: No, no, no, light speed is too slow!
Col. Sandurz: Light speed, too slow?!
Dark Helmet: Yes, we're gonna have to go right to . . . ludicrous speed!
Col. Sandurz: Ludicrous speed?! Sir, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if the ship can take it.
Dark Helmet: What's the matter Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?
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King Roland: The combination is: one . . .
Dark Helmet: One.
Col. Sandurz: One.
King Roland: Two . . .
Dark Helmet: Two.
Col. Sandurz: Two.
King Roland: Three . . .
Dark Helmet: Three.
Col. Sandurz: Three.
King Roland: Four . . .
Dark Helmet: Four.
Col. Sandurz: Four.
King Roland: Five . . .
Dark Helmet: Five.
Col. Sandurz: Five.
Dark Helmet: So, the combination is: one, two, three, four, five. That's the stupidest combination I ever heard in my life! That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
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Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Maj. Asshole: I did, sir. He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Col. Sandurz: He's an Asshole, sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that. What's his name?
Col. Sandurz: That is his name, sir. Asshole, Major Asshole.
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Col. Sandurz: He's an Asshole too, sir. Gunner's Mate, First Class, Philip Asshole.
Dark Helmet: How many Assholes we got on this ship, any how?
Everyone: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes. Keep firing, Assholes!
----
Col. Sandurz: Lord Helmet!
Dark Helmet: What?!
Col. Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge, sir.
Dark Helmet: Knock on my door! Knock next time!
Col. Sandurz: Yes, sir.
Dark Helmet: Did you see anything?!
Col. Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
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FROM: The Road to Wellville
Will Lightbody: Toast.
A waiter: And, how would you like that, sir?
Will Lightbody: Toasted, dry, on its own, on a plate.
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Dr. John H. Kellogg: I'm convinced that I will live forever because my bowels are immaculate!
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Dr. John H. Kellogg: Your stool, Mr. Lightbody, quite frankly, is pathetic. Formless, mushy, and foul smelling. Take it away nurse.
Will Lightbody: How should they be?
Dr. John H. Kellogg: My own stools, sir, are perfect--they are gigantic! And, have no more odor than a hot biscuit.
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William Lightbody: With friends like you . . .
Charles Ossining: Who needs enemas?
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Poultney Dab: [Y]our son, George, he's throwing projectiles.
Dr. John H. Kellogg: Projectiles?
Poultney Dab: Corn flakes boxes, sir, at the guests.
Dr. John H. Kellogg: Boxes? Our corn flakes?
Poultney Dab: No, sir.
Dr. John H. Kellogg: Not my brother's?
Poultney Dab: No, sir. They're corn flakes boxes, but there's no corn flakes in them. They have Rice Carolina.
Dr. John H. Kellogg: Rice Carolina?
Poultney Dab: Well, in a manor of speaking. Actually, used Rice Carolina to be more precise.
Dr. John H. Kellogg: Used?
Poultney Dab: I think young George has gained access to the latrines.
Dr. John H. Kellogg: Latrines?
Poultney Dab: He's throwing boxes of shit at the guests!
I'll knock it off now. *Grin*
_____________________________
Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
--R. D. Laing
"Oh, but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away."
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